Healthcare-for-the-rich provider BUPA has attacked soaps for their unrealistic depiction of unhealthy lifestyles, saying that TV companies "miss out health messages".
Top of their list was legendary chain-smoking Dot Cotton from EastEnders. According to BUPA, she ought to be coughing phlegm all over Albert Square's market stalls as she trundles past on her mobility scooter, with stumps where her legs used to be and her shrivelled, tar-dripping lungs dangling uselessly from her lips.
A more realistic portrayal of alcoholics like Emmerdale's Shadrach Dingle and Hollyoaks' Leo Valentine would see them taking ill-aimed swings at each other in the street, before falling arse over tit in the gutter and suffering multiple orifice evacuation, finally expelling their ruined livers and kidneys as their protesting digestive tracts finally shut down.
"As for the disgusting face-stuffers infesting our soaps - like Charlie Slater and pretty much every manky Northern gut-bucket in Coronation Street - they should be waddling around with buttons popping like bullets at every step, farting uncontrollably and spraying their disgusting sweat over everyone they meet, before keeling over with a coronary if they even catch sight of a staircase," said BUPA's assistant medical director, Dr Peter Mace.
"The next time anybody dies of something, their grieving family should sue these irresponsible producers," he continued, with froth foaming from his mouth. "They tell you that soaps are just escapist entertainment. I say they are nothing less than the vile propaganda of death. Switch off your television right now! Drop that rich tea biscuit! Don't do that! Whatever it is, stop it immediately, do you hear me? I hate you all and I want you to live!"
Men in white coats then surrounded him and hauled him away to have anger management forcibly inserted into the appropriate place.
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