Saturday, 24 April 2010

Greater Manchester Police Deny Links To United After Fining Five City Players

Manchester City fans have angrily demanded a full public inquiry into alleged links between the local police force and rivals Manchester United FC, after five City players were each fined £30 for having tinted windows on their cars in a targeted 'sting' operation.

In a meticulously-planned operation, police officers and representatives of the Vehicle Operator Services Agency lay in wait in Carrington Lane, leaping out as the players arrived for training and slapping fixed penalty notices on the darkened windows of cars belonging to Shay Given, Tolo Coure, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Patrick Vieira and Stephen Ireland.

"Unlike the police, I can't help noticing there's two football teams in Manchester," said one disgruntled City fan, who is trying to organise a whip-round on Facebook to pay the players' fines. "Funny, that."

"This is a very serious allegation," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police, "And the knife-owning thugs, car thieves and drug dealers making it would do well to remember that we know where they live."

Meanwhile, City's press officer refused to confirm that the windows were in fact tinted on the inside, in order to spare the wealthy team-mates from having to look at the appalling poverty and shanty-town hovels of their loyal supporters.

Extreme Nationalist Party Launches Sick, Twisted Manifesto

Claiming that its policies in favour of self-government, the abolition of quangos and sending outsiders to the bottom of the housing list demonstrate that it has moved beyond petty nationalism, Mebyon Kernow today launched its manifesto in the full glare of the media spotlight, according to a stringer hoping to sell his exclusive scoop to the West Briton newspaper.

The notorious nationalist party says that its ten candidates, if elected, will create a regional assembly for Cornwall - unilaterally declaring the remote county's independence from the hated South West Regional Development Agency, which they say is totally dominated by foreigners from Bristol.

"Mebyon Kernow stands for more than just hating the rest of the world," emphasised the party's much-ridiculed leader, Cllr Dick Cole, as he launched its nine-page manifesto in the car park of County Hall in Truro. "Look, on page 6 there's a bit about manufacturing stuff locally. I, for one, look forward to the day when I can surf the Cornish web with my 100% Cornish rPhone."

Mr Cole was joined in the car park by a supporter dressed as St Piran, i.e. wearing a huge millstone round his neck.

Cynics - of which Cornwall is not lacking - suggest, however, that the nationalists' manifesto lacks depth.

"'Tis all very well, inum, prom'sin' ay increase in that thurr pursonal tax 'lowance to £10,000, me 'ansum," said a man who was walking his dog nearby. "'Im'll boost the income of everyone in Cornwall, 'cos none of us buggers do earn that much. Only problem's I can see's that this 'ere local income tax he'm also slipped in's goin' 'aff t'be bleddy 'normous t'pay orl they infrastructure costs o' runnin' 'is regional 'sembly."

"Inum?" he added.

Friday, 23 April 2010

Viewers Disappointed By Second TV Appearance of Clegg Who

TV viewers have expressed disappointment after last night's screening of 'Leadership Debate 2: The Gloves Are Off', the sequel to last week's ratings hit.

The second episode in the series sees rejuvenated young hero Clegg Who (played by Matt Smith) pitted once more against his old foes - the soulless machine-like KMR-1 and the malevolent Brown Zero. However, fans say Clegg displayed a disappointing lack of character development in his second screen outing, while many of the best one-liners were delivered by KMR-1 and Brown Zero.

Brown Zero spent much of the adventure snarling viciously, often appearing to side with the emotionless KMR-1 in a combined effort to neutralize the young hero's efforts.

"I was willing to give the new Clegg Who a chance," said one disillusioned voter. "His first appearance seemed quite promising, but I'm starting to think he's lost without his hot babe assistant Vince."

The gripping climax of the leadership franchise will be aired next week. Is the future of the world at stake? Probably. Will anyone remember it in a couple of months' time? No.

Talented Musicians Commit Mass Suicide As Orange Chavs Top Young Music Millionaires List

Musicians who have spent years perfecting their musical skills topped themselves across the nation today, after the publication of the Sunday Times Music Millionaires List confirmed that the only talent required for success in today's music industry is the ability to totter out of a nightclub looking like a tramp's fluffer.

In a particularly tragic twist, with an estimated worth of £11m the richest under-30 on the list is Charlotte Church, who used to be genuinely talented until the day she turned 18 and began relentlessly pissing her talent up against the walls of Cardiff's most glamorous venues, pubs and off-licences. Close on her wobbly heels comes tone-deaf Autotune user Cheryl Cole - followed by Katherine Jenkins, a former model who has gained plaudits in the moribund classical sector by yowling her way through the easy bits from operas that footy fans are familiar with.

Meanwhile, by far the richest person on the list, at £1.6bn, is the utterly talent-free head of Warner Music Group, Edgar Bronfman, whose unwelcome arrival in the UK toppled the equally untalented previous chart-topper, former Zomba label boss Clive Calder. Meanwhile, the music-hating Simon Cowell climbed steadily, increasing his personal wealth to £165m.

Britain today resounded to the sound of musical instruments being smashed against the wall by their tearful owners, who then hanged themselves from the nearest tree - leaving tender, bittersweet suicide notes which were eagerly collected by Simon Cowell to be fed into a computer and belted out without a shred of feeling by horrible tarty moppets.

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Web Satirist Extradited For Insulting Wanky French Flag In This Headline

Following calls for a Frog artist to be prosecuted after he wiped his hairy frog arse with the Tricolore, the writer of the Nev Filter has been detained by Devon and Cornwall Police under a European Arrest Warrant for writing the above headline, bundled onto a ferry to Roscoff and is currently being shouted at by a completely biased Frog magistrate who is waving his arms around like they do.
Under a silly legal system in which all things Frog are automatically considered above suspicion (for example, the mid-Atlantic crash of a Frog-built, Frog-operated, Frog-piloted Airbus last year), it is illegal to publicly insult one particular vertical arrangement of red, white and blue stripes, although all other arrangements are apparently considered fair game.

The photograph - reproduced here just to piss off Johnny Frog some more - was originally published in free newspaper Metro, where it won a special mention in the 'politically incorrect' category. In a typically Frog surrender, the photograph has since been withdrawn from exhibition.

"Chouette!" cried a excitable onion-festooned Frog on a bicycle, who may or may not have been president Nicolas Sarkozy, or possibly Antoine Des Caunes. "Zees unpardonable eensult, eet make os - 'ow you say - ze laugheeng steuck een ze eyes of ze weurld. Zut alors!"

If found guilty - which, under France's medieval justice system, he already is - the unrepentant Nev will be forced to stand in a saluting posture in front of the wanky Tricolore until he cries like a soppy Frog.

War With Ryanair Looms After Humiliating Climbdown

Screaming mad Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has escalated the war of words with Europe after he was forced to pay reparations to his wretched passengers, overturning his earlier pledge to treat them like cattle as usual.

O'Leary had earlier vowed to repay his stranded victims nothing more than their original airfare, instead of the full reparations demanded by European airline regulations. He is now paying the expenses they incurred while stranded by the Icelandic ash plume, claiming that his earlier statement was "a mistake".

The crazed executive - who is known for his bizarre, ranting outbursts and his irrational desire to make his much-maligned passengers pay for everything he possibly can think of - also vowed to fight what he called the "absurd and discriminatory EU 261 regulations".

O'Leary's vaunted air force consists of 202 Boeing 737-800 aircraft, each with sufficient range to threaten many of Europe's leading cities.

A spokesman for Boeing pointed out that the 737 is a passenger aircraft, and is designed purely for peaceful purposes. However, aviation industry experts pointed out that Hitler said exactly the same about the Heinkel He111, but that didn't stop it from bombing London in 1940.

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Moaning Passengers Glad To Be Reunited With Moaning Families

The same emotional scenes were being played out at airports all over the UK today, as the first flights began to disgorge their grumpy cargo of moaning British passengers into the folded arms of their moaning families.

"Typical bloody government," moaned typical returnee Rob Blind. "There was never any bloody danger from a little bit of bloody ash. I'm a bloody expert at risk assessment - all this time I could have been back at my desk at the bank trading futures. I offered the girl at the check-in the benefit of my expert opinion, but did she bloody put me in touch with her bloody bosses?"

"And I missed the bloody national lottery on Saturday," he moaned. "Don't bloody tell me I saved ten quid, that's ten good chances of winning bloody millions that I'll never get back."

Meanwhile, Britain's airlines have been moaning about the Europe-wide travel ban which has only now been lifted.

"We bloody said all along there was no bloody danger at all," moaned a spokesman for British Airways. "Have you seen the size of a bloody turbofan? How can something that bloody huge be affected by a little bit of bloody fag ash? It's bloody ridiculous. We'd gladly have chanced it, I bloody swear. Bloody EU, bloody governments, bloody Gordon Brown for following the bloody silly advice from the bloody International Civil Aviation Organisation. Remember that before you bloody start on us about compensation."

"I'm just bloody glad my husband's back in one bloody piece," moaned Mrs Penelope Blind. "Now perhaps he can bloody explain why he was on telly yesterday with his arm round his bloody secretary in the Canaries, when he told me he was going to a bloody banking conference in bloody Dusseldorf."

Meanwhile, holiday resorts are still waving goodbye to thousands of moaning Britons who are ill-temperedly queueing to get into departure lounges.

"Of course, we love our dear British friends and the hilarious jokes they told about overcharging while they were drinking the bar dry," said a haggard Spanish barman, carefully removing his earplugs. "And we sincerely hope they come again. One day."

Unemployment Down And Up

Government statistics revealed a massive drop or huge rise in unemployment today, according to which paper you read.

Guardian and Mirror readers were glad to hear that the number of joblesses claiming JSA fell by 32,900 in March, while other papers told their target demographics that the total number without work had risen by a staggering 8% to two and a half million.

"What is going on here is very simple," explained a man with a calculator from the Office of National Socialist Statistics. It is possible - indeed increasingly possible, thanks to recent legislation - to be jobless but not technically unemployed.

"For example, anyone who lost their job a year ago isn't unemployed any more if they live in one of the seventeen worst hellholes in the country - or Employment Action Zones, as we like to call them. Anyone who is sick or disabled isn't unemployed - and once they've been squeezed through the Work Fitness mangle they probably aren't getting any benefits either. If they live with a working partner, they're unemployed but not receiving benefits. On the other hand, if they spend a few hours a week at a disused TA centre being shown how to start up a software package they can't afford, they're not unemployed but they're still signing on at the nearest Jobcentredoubleplusgood and still receiving benefits."

"What could possibly be clearer?" he said with a smile, as his calculator exploded. "Vote Labour."

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Tesco Somehow Manages To Profit During Recession: Could Selling Food and Booze Be The Key?

Britain's shop, Tesco, today lifted the gloom of the recession-hit nation by reporting that its profits had risen by over 10% compared to last year, reaching £3.4bn.

"Hooray for Tesco innit!" cheered impoverished shopper Sammi-Jo Potts, as she added a loaf of Value Range Medium Sliced Chipboard to her trolley-load of Specially Selected Premium Quality Apple-Free Italian Cider. "Wotjer mean, 'ave I got like proof uv age? I got a two-year-old nipa, inniy?"

The world's leading economists are eagerly studying the food and booze retailer's published figures, in a desperate attempt to unlock the holy grail of business: the secret formula for making money in a bankrupt country.

Tesco boss Sir Terry Leahy, meanwhile, smiled enigmatically as he prepared to charge you 50p for a pint of sodding milk.

Habitual Non-Voters Shamed Into Breaking Lifetime Habit By Inspirational Video Clip

Millions of anarcho-folkist soap dodgers with a dog on a string today queued up outside their local council offices, hoping to beat the 5pm deadline for registering to vote, after being convinced of the merits of democracy by a video of political nobodies miming to some old shit from Eurovision.

The hard-hitting spoof clip, "Make Your Mind Up", features major political figures such as Cryin' Aly Campbell, outgoing Aunt Widdicombe, shameless Nadine Dorries, camp entertainer Peter Tatchell and somebody called Anne Diamond that your grandad used to fancy. The political heavyweights are seen trying to move their lips to a home-keyboard version of the 1981 Buck's Fizz Eurovision hit, "Making Your Mind Up".

"Faw years right I juss bin like above the ole pointless charade of votin," said Professor Spider Tolpuddle of the University of Life, as he waited patiently in line to register himself and his dog Starchild. "I fort like no matter oo yer vote faw right politicians always gets in an the only buga wot eva entud the owzes uv parlamunt wiv onniss intenshuns wuz Guy Forks an anyway they woodent let us vote right if like if it reely like mattud yeh?"

"But I seen this like brilyant video uv em all makin tits uv emselfs an I fort Spida yer fukin twat yerv got it all rong incha?" he added as he swigged from a two-litre bottle of Strongbow. "My vote cood be like crooshul right?"

Political bloggers Guido Fawkes, Tory Bear and Labour List's Alex Smith can also be seen in the groundbreaking video, performing a cutting-edge webdance which hits a demographic group entirely missed by the mainstream media. Sadly, political blogger Nev of Nev Filter fame failed to make the final edit with his sensual satirical striptease.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Labour, Tories, BNP Unite To Denounce Lib Dem Threat To Britain

Gordon Brown and David Cameron today stood shoulder-to-shoulder with BNP leader Nick Angriff to warn voters of the grave threat to the British way of life if they voted Liberal Democrat.

"Make no mistake," urged PM Gordon Brown. "The Lib Dems want nothing more than to disrupt our cherished tradition of democratic dictatorships, trampling the apathy that is the birthright of every British man, woman and child with their wicked plans for a hung parliament."

"Think about it," agreed Tory hopeful David Cameron. "Do you really want complicated and very, very boring issues to be debated daily in the public arena, i.e. on GMTV while you're eating your cornflakes or whatever it is that ordinary people do? No, apparently you want flimsy promotional interviews with actors and Britain's Got Talent hopefuls, or so my valet assures me."

"Obviously I oppose anything that threatens dictatorship, democratic or otherwise," added wonky-faced Nazi leader Nick Angriff. "No, let me finish. Oh - you did."

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg remains unabashed, however, as an opinion poll dreamed up today by the Sun put his evil party ahead at 33% of the imaginary votes people might cast if they existed.

"Bwah ha ha ha," he explained.

Send Royal Navy To Pick Us Up Now, Demand Wildly Optimistic Travellers

150,000 stranded British holidaymakers with quaint notions about the size of the Royal Navy today called on the government to send an imaginary fleet of warships to pick them up and bring them home, preferably with ensuite showers in every cabin.

"My girlfriend and I will be on the quayside at one o'clock sharp, bags packed and ready," snapped irate futures trader Rob Blind, who has been forced to soak up more sun and drink more cocktails in Goa by the evil Icelandic volcano plume. "Cabin for two with a balcony, please. Sort it."

Following a meeting of the COBRA emergency committee, in which it was pointed out that many of the stranded travellers are nice middle-class people who tend to vote in elections, the government later announced that it was sending its three largest warships - assault boat HMS Waterfeature and the pocket carriers HMS Dinghy Royal and HMS Little Britain - on a big circular tour of the world's top holiday destinations to collect all 150,000 ash victims, stack them eight-deep on the hangar decks and return them to their polling districts by 6 May at the latest.

"Travellers may experience a certain amount of discomfort," admitted navy spokesman Admiral Insurance, "Especially the ones who have to stand all the way on the flight deck."

Meanwhile, airlines are beginning to question the actual danger posed by the plume, after a British Airways 747 landed safely following a test flight through the ash cloud with chief executive Willie Walsh lashed to the tail fin, roaring defiance at the elements.

"If anybody was going to be hurled to earth and smashed to bloody chunks, whether you believe in God, karma or Mother Nature, then that person would surely be me," snarled the unharmed executive as flight attendants unstrapped him and gave him oxygen. "But behold, minions and trade unionists - I live!"

"Bloody hell," he added. "Give me some more of that oxygen, love."