Prime Minister Gordon Brown has told readers of the Daily Mirror of his plans to spend even more money he hasn't got on pointless job creation schemes, saying that it isn't a proper recession if unemployment figures can be fiddled below the two million mark.
"We have already delayed the building of two aircraft carriers - which are essential to Britain, if we wish to keep pretending to ourselves that we are still a major world power - for two years, by telling shipyard workers to take a tea break every ten minutes instead of the usual half an hour," he wrote. "Now I propose to force these useless mouths out of the Jobcentres and into exciting New Labour camps, where they will perform worthless, futile tasks such as digging holes and filling them in again, painting lumps of coal white, and peeling vast tubs of potatoes and then glueing the skins back on."
"And then painting them white," he added.
Mr Brown explained that his scheme offered Britain a final solution to its ongoing financial collapse. He added that the workforce would not actually receive any money, as he was afraid that if he gave money to poor people the sky would fall down. Instead, he proposed to offer his good friends in the business community large sums of borrowed money to run the camps as they saw fit. The power industry is already reported to be interested in the possibility of incinerating the jobless to generate electricity.
"We see the unemployed chiefly as a major renewable fuel," said a PowerGen spokesman. "They are a resource which is unlikely to run out for the foreseeable future."
"The reason I am in politics is because I saw unemployment in the 1970s and 1980s," said the PM. "I am determined we are not going to treat people the way the Conservatives treated them. In fact, we're not going to treat them as people at all. The Archbishop of Canterbury warns us that Britain must learn the lessons of Nazi Germany in dealing with the effects of the recession. Well, don't worry - I have."
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