The government today announced life-saving plans to pretend that cigarettes don’t exist.
The lethal death-sticks will be hidden from sight at counters up and down the country, a move which health campaigners say will prevent the exceptionally stupid - whom they define as young people - from purchasing them.
“If cigarettes are removed from public display, people will just walk past the supermarket’s fag counter, assuming that it only sells lottery tickets,” said the BMA’s Dr Benito Hitler. “Of course, the counter will have to be six feet high to contain all the fag packets, but that will be an extra disincentive to buy these deadly hell-tubes. Especially for the short, who are particularly at risk as there is less of them to be eaten away by cancer.”
Ministers are also minded to replace counter staff with uniformed police. Furthermore, smokers will be banned from mentioning any brand names, forcing them to request the tar-and-nicotine cocktail of their choice in code. Examples include:
20 B&H: “I have a huge wart on my private parts”;
A multipack of Marlboro: “I touch small children”;
A packet of Rizlas: “I am wearing a bomb belt.”
Smokers will also have their photographs and fingerprints taken, with the details being added to the police database under the heading ‘sociopathic recidivists and probable criminal masterminds'.
The ghost of record-breaking multi-instrumentalist Roy Castle, speaking through a British Medical Association-approved medium, endorsed the new measures, saying: “I speak for all non-smokers when I say my death was entirely caused by breathing other people’s second-hand smoke, despite an annoying-but-irrelevant lack of evidence for this belief. Anyone who dares to question me is a dangerous subversive and should be reported to the authorities immediately. Buy Niquitin, kids - it’s a record habit-breaker!”
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