Labour Has Lost Touch With The Papers, Admits Miliband

Whatever they say, that's public opinion

In a frank acknowledgement of defeat at the polls last year, Labour leader Ed Miliband told activists at a policy forum that his party became sadly out of touch with the very people whose opinions matter most - namely press barons Rupert Murdoch, Lord Rothermere, Richard Desmond and the Barclay brothers.

“We went from six people making decisions in a smoke-filled committee room to six people making the decisions from a sofa in Whitehall, which proves that a) the cabinet doesn’t really matter very much, b) we were observing the smoking ban and c) Whitehall has some pretty impressive sofas,” droned Mr Miliband. "But the papers were trying to tell us what their owners wanted us to say. They were telling us that each and every one of the country’s woes can be firmly laid at the door of bastard immigrants and filthy rich dolescum. We didn’t listen to their deafening silence on corporate tax evasion and the insatiable demands of capitalism.”

Mr Miliband is keen to remove the tiresome clause in Labour’s constitution that allows unreformed socialists like Dennis Skinner any say in the composition of the shadow cabinet.

"I want us to be an alternative government," he said. "Exactly like the current government, in fact, only with a different logo. And the only way to achieve that is to have all the shadow cabinet dutifully chanting whatever the Sun says.”

“Immigrants out! Kick the sick! Bring back the workhouse!” he added, in the hope that one of his speeches might finally make front-page headlines. “Labour makes you free!”

Gaddafi Surrenders To Heroic Rebel Footballers

The Libyan conflict came to a spectacular end today, as Colonel Gaddafi surrendered unconditionally to the invincible might of 17 football heroes who added their strength to the rebel forces.

Juma Gtat (possibly)

“What good is a rocket barrage against the missile-deflecting agility of legendary goalkeeper Juma Gtat?” he moaned as he signed the instrument of surrender. “How can lumbering tanks possibly crush nimble-footed rebels trained by the nation’s top coach, Adel bin Issa?”

“I have seen Escape To Victory, so I know that even Adolf Hitler had no answer to good midfield play and a solid defence,” wailed the defeated dictator as he was led away to relegation.

That U2 Glastonbury Set List In Full

The Revenue Still Haven’t Found What They’re Looking For;
Tax Year’s Day Off;
Hide (In The Caymans, Love);
If God Will Send His Accountants;
Get Filling Your Boots;
Two Hearts Count As One For Tax Purposes;
Who’s Gonna Find Your Wild Investments;
Tax Window In The Skies;
Beautiful Don’t Pay;
A Non-Declaration;
Where The Streets Have No Tax;
Sometimes You Can’t Hide It On Your Own;
In God’s Tax Haven;
UK Bloody Uncut;
Tax Me To The Clouds Above (omitted due to overrunning).

Cameron’s Circus Cruel To Wild MPs, Claim Animals

Britain’s lions, tigers and elephants today blasted David Cameron’s Circus for its “barbaric” handling of wild politicians, saying that it was cruel and outdated to threaten dumb parliamentarians with whips.

This endangered MP has won a 'best of breed' award

“Only yesterday, I saw a magnificent Mark Pritchard MP suffering the sort of abuse I wouldn’t have believed possible in an enlightened society,” trumpeted famous elephant Brian Blessed indignantly. “The ringmaster and head clown, David Cameron, tried to lure him into a pathetically small office - and when the defiant Pritchard refused to cower and grovel, Cameron threatened him with a selection of brutal whips. This shames us all.”

A spokesman for Cameron’s Circus, however, claimed there was a huge public demand to see endangered MPs jumping through various hoops - including the crowd-pleasing Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority trick, in which the snarling politicians are humiliatingly made to submit their expenses claims.

“It’s not as if we could just release these creatures back into the environment,” he added. “They simply don’t have the skills to survive. This circus is the only sanctuary they have.”

“Grr,” commented an angry tiger.

Nick Clegg: The Idiot’s Guide To Share Ownership

1. The value of shares can go up as well as down. Yes, even shares in basket cases like Lloyds TSB and the Royal Bank of Scotland!

2. No, really - it could well happen, if they keep stinging their dozy customers hard enough!

3. In the theoretically possible event of either or both of your free bank shares (worth 51p in the case of RBS, and a whopping 74p for Lloyds!) ever paying an annual dividend, you might conceivably be the lucky recipient of a windfall bonanza worth over one gleaming penny!

Nick’s top tip: if you put it in the name of a family member who is domiciled overseas – like my lovely wife, for example – you won’t even have to pay tax on your bounty!

4. Your share will empower you to take an active role in running your bank. Just obtain the signed agreement of six million other shareholders, and you can call an Emergency General Meeting of the bank and amuse the board of directors with your bright ideas about how to run a banking corporation!

5. And if all this heady Wall Street wheeler-dealing still doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, what could be simpler than selling your share for a cash lump sum to spend as you please? Just pay the broker’s fee (typically £20, but shop around and you could save a few pounds!) and reimburse the treasury for its investment in you, and you’re back to being one of the little people again!

[Editorial note: a stray colon appears to have slipped into this article’s headline. Whoops!]

Taxpayers Invited To Save Themselves A Few Bob By Declaring Open Season On Libyans

Look, we could replace those bloody great fuel tanks with bombs

As the cost of British involvement in Libyan operations soars to £120m, with the cost of replacing expensive laser-guided munitions estimated at another £140m, swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox tempted hard-pressed taxpayers with the attractive offer of saving a few quid by simply carpet-bombing the population of Tripoli with cheap ordnance.

“Unfortunately, avoiding civilian casualties who aren’t related to Libyan ministers drives up costs - but the spending shows the UK holds the higher moral ground, whatever that’s worth,” he announced brightly. “I know when this little exercise kicked off we told you it would only cost tens of millions, and indeed it is – twenty-six of them, to be precise.”

“But farting around trying to pinpoint genuine military targets is a terrific waste of fuel,” he added. “We could save a small fortune if our brave Tornado flyboys were to simply hang dumb ironmongery off the wings until they creak, then dump the lot in the general vicinity of downtown Tripoli and bugger off straight back to Italy for fresh bombs.”

“Your choice, taxpayers,” he smiled. “How many dead wog kids is the NHS worth?”

Legal Aid To Be Available To Tramps Only

How to qualify for legal aid in future

Injustice secretary Ken Clarke vowed today to press ahead with slashing cuts to Britain’s legal aid system, which will mean that only homeless vagabonds will qualify for free legal assistance in future.

Under Mr Clarke’s axe, legal aid will no longer be available for employment disputes, housing issues, clinical negligence claims or divorce and custody battles – and, in the few cases where it may still be offered, anyone with disposable assets worth more than £1,000 will not qualify.

“The message is this: if you own more than the clothes you stand up in, you will have to bankrupt yourself if you want to stand up for yourself,” scoffed Mr Clarke. “If you don’t, you will be shafted out of a job and out of your home, and your health will be ruined.”

“But look on the bright side,” he smiled. “You’ll be driven barmy and destitute - and once you’re reduced to living out of a shopping trolley and shouting at passing cars, you’ll finally have reached the point where you qualify for legal aid.”

Cameron Tells Forces: ‘You Do The Dying, I’ll Do The Bullshit’

No morale problem here

After Air Chief Marshal Sir James Bigglesworth’s plaintive warning that he felt somewhat peevish about navigating by starlight to Libya and back every night and his trusty but overworked Sopwith Camel was only held together with string, an irritated prime minister David Cameron today advised the forces: “I tell you what, chaps - you do the dying, and I’ll do the talking.”

“Now Biggles is a top-hole sort, don’t get me wrong,” Mr Cameron elaborated later. “But strictly between you, me and the media, although he’s jolly good at giving Johnny Arab a biffing, well, let’s just say he’s not exactly all things bright and beautiful, is he? There are gentlemen and there are players; he’s merely a player, naturally, whereas I am clearly a gentleman.”

“I must say, whenever I speak to his wingman Algy, his doughty mechanic Flight Sergeant Smyth and young air cadet Hebblethwaite, I find them positively oozing with enthusiasm,” he exclaimed. “So jump back in your crate, Biggles, there’s a good chap, heave a few more Mills bombs over the side at the mad mullah and let’s have no more backchat from the ranks, what?”

“’Ours is not to question why’, remember,” he added. “Play up, play up and play the game now, like a good little boy.”

PM Reminds Critics He Didn’t Say Absent Fathers Should Be Stigmatised Like The Sick And Disabled

Prime minister David Cameron has reacted to fury over his comment that absent fathers should be stigmatised like drink-drivers by saying that if he wanted to be really vindictive he would have called for them to be harangued in the press every day and routinely mistreated by statutory bodies, like the sick and the disabled are.

Lower your trousers please, Mr Tomkins

“In my dreams, all that will happen to absentee dads is a TV ad campaign every Christmas warning them to mind how they go,” explained a conciliatory Mr Cameron. “I did not say they should all be assumed to be pretending to have absent children when in fact they have none, and neither did I say they should be completely ignored by the police, get paid less than the minimum wage or receive frequent slaps and boots up the arse from the people who care for them.”

“Having said that, I would rather like to see their privates put in an industrial crusher,” he added. “Purely in the public interest, of course.”

Heads Exploding All Over Britain As Tabloid Readers Try To Process Bereaved Mother’s Opinion Of Army

Emergency services all over Britain are struggling to cope today, as the brains of millions of hero-worshipping readers of the mass media explode whilst thinking about grieving mother Suzanne Ashe’s hatred of the army.

Ms Ashe might benefit from a toy bear, say papers

“Brave boys and girls… fine job… hate… heroes… does not compute… error,” muttered a glassy-eyed Sun reader, with smoke pouring from her ears moments before her head burst apart.

MoD officials are trying to understand how the bereaved mother of Private Gareth Bellingham, 22, who was shot whilst on patrol in Afghanistan, could have deviated from the officially-approved script.

“In these circumstances, relatives are supposed to say that their loved one died doing an important job of protecting us all, helping to make the world a better place, and so on and so forth,” said an MoD spokesman, “Not some bitter emotional guff about him missing out on having a relationship and raising a family. Most of all, they are supposed to thank the army for allowing him to live his dreams, not hate it for ending them. That’s bloody close to treason.”

Defence secretary Liam Fox is expected to announce an urgent review into the catastrophic failure of Ms Ashe’s stiff upper lip.

Just Carry On Working, They Won’t Be Expecting That - Balls

Balls, the shadow chancellor, has solemnly warned the unions not to strike over swingeing attacks on employment rights it took generations to win, as they would be falling into the trap of doing exactly what the Tories would expect.

Balls

“We in the Labour Party know exactly how the Tories think, because we spent 13 years practicing,” Balls pointed out. “George Osborne’s tactic is a classic Tory ploy – mount an all-out assault on workers’ rights until they strike, then blame the strikers for everything bad that has ever happened.”

“The only way the unions can avoid this self-defeating outcome is to roll over and passively submit to every government attack,” he advised. “That’s the very last thing the Tories would expect, and they simply have no effective answer to that. They’ll just keep blindly cutting pay, stealing pensions and removing workplace rights willy-nilly - and all the time the unions will be smiling serenely, which will really give them something to worry about.”

“I would say the best course of action the unions could take to throw the Tories into disarray would be to abolish themselves completely,” added Balls, “But I’ve just seen some of the printers’ bills for the leaflets we stuffed into letterboxes for the local elections, and they’re not going to pay themselves.”