Friday, 24 December 2010

Peasants Keen To Hear Rich Woman’s Cake Speech

Shivering peasants jumped for joy in their icebound hovels today on hearing the proclamation that, at the end of a dreadful year of unrelenting poverty, redundancies, towering debt, political deceit, swingeing cutbacks, mounting racism, increasing troop casualties, rioting in the streets, police brutality and the return of class warfare, Her Majesty the Queen will use her Christmas Day speech to address the critical importance of cakes.

Let them play sport
The Queen, who this year has selected Hampton Court from among her many palaces as the fabulous backdrop for her thoughtful insights, is to celebrate the central role played by cakes in the lives of her lowly serfs – from the dainty fairy cakes served up by sweet old ladies in the tea tents of picture-postcard cricket matches on England's village greens to what she fondly believes to be hash browns sold by blissed-out hippies during the idyllic summer’s popular beat-music festivals.

“Countless thousands of peasants every week give up their time to participate in mixing and baking cakes of all sorts, or simply encourage others to do so,” opines the much-loved Queen, in a sneak preview which includes heartwarming footage of her grandsons in Lesotho fervently cramming their distended cheeks with Battenburg slices, laughing indulgently as picturesque little black orphans fight under their feet for loose crumbs.

"Cakes are common throughout the world and - mmm - play a part in providing a different perspective on life," she will add between mouthfuls, as she repeatedly pushes her jam-smeared royal visage into a Swiss roll the size of a railway carriage. “Yum.”

“It’s good to know that my plight is shared by the Queen, who has slumped to 12th position in the Forbes list of the world’s wealthiest monarchs,” acknowledged newly-redundant council care worker Michelle Hoskins, wiping a loyal tear from her eye. “I’m only sorry that, as I’ll probably be on benefits from now until the government abolishes them completely, I won’t be able to contribute any more income tax to prop her up.”

“It must be terrible being down to her last £349m,” she added mournfully. “God bless you, ma’am, for thinking of us at Christmas.”

Jeremy Clarkson Do Bad Thing

Frizzy man on telly do bad thing, wailed millions of viewers who have reverted to a state of childish innocence for the duration of festive season, after being left deeply traumatised by a mock drive-by shooting of the Stig by the presenters of the first of two Tiny Penis Specials.

BBC switchboards have been jammed with the outraged sobs of wives and girlfriends, who claim their child-like enjoyment of Christmas has been ruined by the stupid prank as their tiny-cocked partners forced them to watch Jeremy Clarkson, James May and their hamster take pot-shots at a cardboard cut-out of the mystery racing driver who won a court battle to reveal his identity in a book earlier in the year.

“The frizzy man drived up in his car and he pointed his nasty gun at the helmet man and he went bang with it and there was a big hole in the helmet man’s head and I was scared and did a poo,” cried little Sue Hart, 34.

“my daughter samijoe says its alrigth cos its not like a reel man reely its just pretend,” emailed Michelle Hoskins, 25. “but i scremed and hid in my room my spechal frend dave just sat on the sofer and lafed and did a big smelly bottom noys hes not my freind any more im not hideing the sosige with him any moor this crismas so he can go away and play with himself until janiury”.

The BBC’s Head of Entertainment And Events, Katie Taylor, later issued a statement saying she had just about had enough of that nonsense and if viewers didn’t calm down RIGHT NOW then Father Christmas would take their bloody presents straight back to the North bloody Pole, then stamped off to the kitchen to have a fag.

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Wills And Kate Coin Designed To Confuse Terrorists

Can't quite place them, but I'd swear the other one's my mum
The Royal Mint has sprung to the defence of the newly-unveiled Alderney £5 commemorative coin, which bears the legend ‘Celebrating The Engagement of William and Catherine’ around the poorly Photoshop-embossed faces of God only knows.

“Any fundamentalist numismatic Muslim terrorists collecting this splendid coin with a view to blowing the royal couple to smithereens will be left none the wiser regarding their identities,” explained Dave Peasant, director of commemorative coins at the Royal Mint, who firmly maintained that the anonymous image on the reverse of the coin was based on a genuine snap somebody took on their Nokia at a polo match, or possibly in a nightclub under adverse lighting conditions.

“Our artist’s 14-year-old son strove to achieve an informal look, emphasising that the royals are ordinary folks just like you and me, only unimaginably rich,” he said, adding, “Look, we’ve done the same with Her Maj on the obverse face. That could be your dotty nan, who smells of wee, couldn’t it?”

Public opinion on the Wills-and-Kate effort has been mixed, however, with 45% thinking the image depicts former Doctor Who David Tennant and Catherine Tate, 27% identifying them as Jade Goody and Robbie Williams and other 28% saying they could swear it was that bird down the pub last night and her bloke, who had a bit of a barney and left separately.

The Queen, meanwhile, is reported to have given her approval to the design. However, since she has given her approval to every unpleasant scheme dreamed up by successive governments for the last 58 years, Buckingham Palace officials have advised the public not to read too much into that.

Channel 4 Keen To Prove Its Existence With Footage Of Frankie Boyle Crapping Satirically Into Ethnic Child’s Wheelchair

And tonight he's going to fuck your mum in the name of comedy

The long-forgotten Channel 4 is mounting an increasingly desperate campaign to remind viewers that it still exists, by threatening to air live footage of unwanted ginger child Frankie Boyle stamping around the streets of London in an attempt to outrage everybody he meets.

“Believe it or not, Channel 4 is still here, still broadcasting away merrily to itself and still hacking away at the cutting edge of television,” ranted some cokehead nobody with a very expensive pair of glasses, who insisted he was its Head of Comedy. “But you probably fucking missed last night’s fantastic airing of Frankie’s satire masterpiece, ‘Rohypnol Nights’ - in which he hilariously told a little piccaninny with leukaemia to fuck off and kicked some blind wog bint under a passing bus – because you were watching some boring old toss like the Goodies, you provincial brain-dead cunts.”

“If you have the rudimentary intelligence to find us on your digital boxes, don’t miss Jimmy Carr pissing into a quadraplegic ex-serviceman’s eyes on Christmas Day,” he added. “It’s funny in an incredibly sophisticated way, even if you’re all too bloody repressed to appreciate it. And please, please help to spread the word that we’re still here by visiting our website, typing your name into the Outraged Viewer letter and clicking the ‘email to every Tory MP’ link. We need the publicity.”

“Shitty Christmas, everybody, and we wish you all AIDS in the New Year!” he added waggishly.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

F1 Car Design To Return To A Simpler, Happier Time

The 2013 Ferrari prototype got to 390mph before exploding
From 2013, sweeping new rules will force Formula One car designers to abandon huge aerodynamic wings and seek other ways of generating downforce - taking the much-criticised race series back to an earlier era of mechanical simplicity in the vain hope that drivers might actually have a go at overtaking the car in front, instead of sitting comfortably on its tail for 64 sleep-inducing laps and hoping that its wheels fall off or something.

“I – whoops, slip of the tongue – the FIA committee asked Patrick Head and Rory Byrne to apply their years of experience to the problem of audiences all over the world falling into deep comas,” said Formula One owner Bernie Ecclestone. “And they have decided that it’s all the fault of these aerodynamic aids, whose ability to keep the cars going where they’re pointed falls off dramatically in the turbulent air of another car’s slipstream.”

“An F1 car really only needs two things: power and traction,” explained Williams engineer Patrick Head, “Although Bernie is adamant that a passenger of some kind is necessary for the TV ratings. So we’ve stripped the design back to basics. All cars will have to use a 56-litre turbocharged Allison V-3420 engine, which can bang out 2600hp on war emergency power - although teams will have to bear in mind that only 150 of these monsters were ever made, and at the end of the season the world’s aviation museums will want their exhibits back in reasonably good nick. This 24-cylinder dinosaur will also eliminate the advantages gained from clever pit stop strategy, as every car will have to come in on each lap to refuel.”

“With no fancy aero packages, we hope designers will use their imaginations to come up with exciting new ways to keep their cars on the tarmac,” suggested Ferrari’s Byrne. “For example, in a throwback to the reverse ground-effect techniques of yesteryear, the 2013 Ferrari will use the extraordinary suction of James Dyson’s revolutionary vacuum cleaner to cling to the road like glue.”

“I understand that McLaren and Renault are already fighting to get Hoover on board,” he added, “And there are indications that Force India have just put in quite a big order for Pritt Sticks.”

Cameron And Clegg Sew New ‘Property Of R. Murdoch’ Label To Vince Cable’s Tongue

After 24 hours of Kay Burley, Mr Cable will be like this for the rest of his life
The leaders of the coalition have reacted quickly to Lib Dem rebel Vince Cable’s astonishing attack on media tycoon Rupert Murdoch, by stitching a new label to the business secretary’s tongue and reminding him to look at it every morning when he brushes his teeth.

“I bought this bastard government fair and square,” exploded the owner of News International, “Just like I bought the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that. If I want to fulfil my manifest destiny by gaining complete control of information across the entire globe, it’s no bloody business of jumped-up little nobodies like the British government to interfere with my plans for world domination.”

“Some little shit will be expecting me to pay tax next,” he added, as his faithful editors hastily fabricated front pages about the loathsome business secretary’s newly-invented predilection for little boys and farmyard animals.

Grovelling abjectly as they backed out on their knees from their lord and master’s presence, David Cameron and Nick Clegg swiftly caught the maverick business secretary in a trap - cunningly baited with a pair of dancing shoes - and examined him for defects before noticing that Mr Murdoch’s label had somehow come loose, possibly during a paso doble.

After strapping Mr Cable into a dentist’s chair and bombarding him non-stop with Sky News for 24 hours, the PM then forced the reprogrammed Mr Cable’s jaws open while Mr Clegg carefully stitched a new strip of fabric printed with ‘Property of R. Murdoch’ in place.

Meanwhile, opposition leader Ed Miliband faithfully promised the disgruntled billionaire that, if Labour were in power, he would assuredly have strung any such cabinet traitors up with piano wire, dragged their bodies through the streets in chains and sent the bloody chunks of their dismembered corpses to every MP’s constituency office.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Nation Praying For Snow To Keep Osborne Away

No, please, take your time
Britons stopped complaining about the sub-Arctic weather today and began praying for more snow to fall, as long as it keeps chancellor George Osborne stranded in the United States indefinitely.

“I will gladly kip down on the floor of Terminal 2 for months to come, if it keeps that smarmy, bum-faced shit three thousand miles away,” grinned haggard would-be winter holidaymaker Sue Hart, who has spent two days stranded at Heathrow while airport workers wait patiently for God to show them how to spray antifreeze and bulldoze snow off runways. “There’s only so much harm the irritating little tit can get up to in a teleconference.”

Mr Osborne has already missed a vital meeting with top bankers in London today, in which they would have told him that enormous bonuses were vital to keeping their inestimable skill and expertise in the country, and he would have agreed with them completely but asked them to keep jolly quiet about it until he could sneak a low-key press release under the radar on a suitably busy news day.

String Research Escapes Funding Axe

Announcing cuts of 41% in scientific research funding – in addition to the 10% cut already announced in October’s Budget speech – science minister David Willetts confidently predicted that the UK would still maintain its position as a world leader in discovering new uses and applications for string.

Brunel would be proud
“String is now found in leading research laboratories all over the country,” he boasted. “These massive cutbacks in funding for buildings, maintenance and equipment will ensure that string will be used in ways never imagined in its inventors’ wildest dreams.”

“There’s a particle accelerator in Cheshire which is entirely held together with garden twine, and this is completely unique in the world,” he claimed. “And nuclear physicists at Imperial College’s Ascot site are making steady progress in their efforts to fish spent fuel rods out of their CONSORT reactor using parcel string and a piece of Blu-tack.”

“Meanwhile, Cambridge University is conducting important genetic research by trying to encode the human genome onto a length of baling twine,” he went on. “Over at Brunel, teams of PhD Engineering students are endeavouring to exploit the inherent structural integrity of string on behalf of the construction industry, while British Telecom’s IT labs are confidently predicting the nationwide roll-out of string-optic broadband technology by 2020.”

“We have moved far beyond mere String Theory,” added Mr Willetts proudly. “All over the world, Britain will become a byword for String Application.”

In Memoriam: Brian Hanrahan, BBC Correspondent

“I counted them all out, and I counted them all back,” he famously reported, during the Falklands campaign, to get around MoD reporting restrictions.

In the space of a week, both he and the Harriers were counted out for the last time; sadly, they will never be counted back again.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Napoleon And The Pope Shall Not Replace Queen On Privatised Stamps

May God be praised
The efteemed poftal affairs Minifter, the Rt. Hon. Mr. Edward DAVEY, hath told diftrefsed readers of the Mail On Sunday journal that he is “greatly Confident” that our beloved Queen fhall not dis-appear from Britain’s ftamps when the Royal Mail is sold off to any Johnny Foreigner willing to fill the coffers of the government with Gold.

Fevered Mail fcribes had fpotted a Loophole in the draft privatisation Bill, which meant that the new owners would be under no Obligation to put the Monarch’s head on poftage ftamps.

“Were the glorious profile of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to vanish from her loyal fubjects’ humble envelopes; Why, Sir, that needs muft certainly Threaten the very Empire itself!” thundered editor Mr. Peter WRONG. “The government must leave no ftone unturned to root out the vile Republicans, Communards and Anarch-ifts in the Civil-fervice who drafted this daftardly legislation.”

“Had it not been for the unfashionably BRITISH diligence of This Patriotic News-paper,” he frothed, “What man could tell what ugly foreign Tyrants might not have glowered malevolently up at us from our door-mats? Surely no true-blue Englifh-man could bear to ftick the hateful features of the POPE - or BONEY’s greasy fmirk - onto their dear old grand-dame’s Christ-mafs card?”

“And it beggars Belief to think that the ftrutting traitor WASHINGTON could, even in Death, finally extend his Calumnious Treachery to ufurping his Monarch’s lineal defcendant from her rightful place on the Nation’s poftal packages,” foamed the incensed Editor, as his Attendants diligently rushed forward with his special jacket.

When The Hon. Mr. DAVEY tried to placate him with an afsurance that not only Her Royal Highnefs; but also, in due time, her son and heir; would furely continue to grace the Kingdom’s ftamps for Generations to come, however, Mr. WRONG fuffered an Attack of Apoplexy, requiring the painful application of many Leeches and Suppositories.