Friday, 6 November 2009

Jesus A Bloody Good Bloke, Affirms Cameron

Tory leader David Cameron has spoken out about the influence of the Christian religion in his life, without delving too deeply into any specifics - such as all that funny business with the moneylenders and some old tommy rot about rich men, camels and needles.

"The teachings of Jesus are very important to me, whatever they are," gushed Mr Cameron. "I was a good, sceptical, questioning Christian when I was younger, pissed out of my face and staring at the ceiling after trashing a restaurant or two with my Bullingdon mates, and asking myself what it was really all about."

Mr Cameron stressed that he did not want to give the public the impression that he was some messianic fruit-loop like former PM Tony Blair, explaining that he did not drop to his knees and pray for guidance, go to church, read the Bible, love his neighbour as his brother or indeed recognise the divine authority of God.

"I'm just like the ordinary chaps of Britain, really," said Mr Cameron. "I haven't got a bloody clue about Christianity at all, actually - but sometimes, at three in the morning, the awful suspicion that the world might one day get by just fine without me fills me with vain, self-centred horror. It's vaguely comforting to believe that when I die, Jesus will pop up and tell his dad I'm quite a good egg really, and let me blag a freebie into heaven. Again, I must stress that I haven't actually thought this through as such - but, as far as I'm concerned, heaven is a fluffy sort of dream-world where there are no poor people making the place look shabby and everybody agrees with everything I say. A bit like the shadow cabinet, in fact."

Shortly after Mr Cameron's profession of some sort of meaningless wishy-washy faith, Jesus the Messiah contacted the Nev Filter to express his opinions on the teachings of Mr Cameron.

"I don't have a direct line to Mr Cameron," said the Holy Lamb of God. "Nevertheless, I sincerely believe that he is a slimy little creep who every utterance is cynically calculated to be all things to everyone, and that he will say absolutely anything that will play well with Middle England without actually committing himself to anything."

"Rich men; needles; camels," he added cryptically.

Irritating Facebook App Hailed As Future of Welsh Policing

The head of Dyfed-Powys Police has revealed that his officers regularly rely on Facebook's Horoscopes application to solve crimes, after a local paper reported that detectives followed up several leads supplied by psychic friends of a Lampeter murder victim.

Chief Constable Ian Arundale, who holds a master's degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice, told reporters from the Cambrian News: "Dyfed-Powys Police are proud to be working with the cutting edge of crime-fighting technology. At this very moment, the Geminis of the vice squad are raiding a chapel in Aberaeron, acting on reliable information that today is an opportunity to look for love in the most unexpected places. And I've got my best undercover Taurean staking out the station at Llanwrtyd Wells, acting on a hot tip-off that a new arrival could lead great changes in the life of a friend."

Mr Arundale also issued a frank appeal to the Welsh criminal fraternity to join his Mafia Wars gang, so he could progress to the next level.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Katy Perry: MTV European History Awards To Include Music

MTV's European Music Awards in Berlin will be dominated by a complete analysis of the post-war detente between east and west, together with a careful study of the ramifications of the collapse of the Soviet bloc which have shaped the world in which we live, promised respected historian Katy Perry today.

"I know it's like sooo long ago, before most of us were born even," said the 25-year-old American singer of such memorable socio-political hits as ' OMG! UR So Gay' and 'Yeah OK So I Might Of Kissed A Girl But I'm Like So Not a Lesbian'. "But it's like everso important that my generation and the one after me, who are like eight yeah, understand that some old wall falling down has rilly, rilly affected our lives no seriously I shit you not."

"But of course it has to be like funny too," she added, "Or everyone will just switch over."

Award-show host Perry is to encapsulate the hedonistic atmosphere of the Weimar Republic by wearing a bowler hat and fishnets, just like Liza Minelli out of that film Cabaret. So far, however, she refuses to be drawn on speculation that she may go on to demonstrate the skyrocketing inflation that led to mass unemployment, national bankruptcy and the rise of Hitler by dressing up as a member of the Sturmabteilung, throwing loaves of bread at starving people from the back of a truck and kicking a Jew's teeth out.

Kicking off the inforcational segment of the evening's edutainment, the legendary U2 will re-enact the 1945 advance of the victorious Red Army into the shattered ruins of Berlin with a live performance at the Brandenburg Gate, in which St Bono will attempt to post-ironically rape or murder as many German women as he can get through during the 20-minute set.

Leona Lewis will also be present to deliver her groundbreaking academic paper on the consequences of the Yalta Conference - making particular reference to the diplomatic horse-trading over the post-war alignment of Yugoslavia, Austria and Greece - in which the former X Factor winner will amaze her fans by revealing that it was all a bit of a stitch-up that could well of led directly to all that funny business with Serbia, Croatia and a bunch of Muslims right, and therefore the whole war on terror thing probably.

The Foo Fighters will then dazzle budding history fans by explaining that Western rock and rap and punk and all that shit is quite big in Eastern Europe now, whereas it wasn't allowed at all under the Communists so all in all that's gotta be a good thing yeah?

Grammy-winning political ethnologist Bouncy Knowles will also be wowing the largely pre-teen audience, delivering a complex, yet soulful song cycle outlining the background of ethnic cleansing which has led to the war crimes trial of that former Bosnian president Caravan Whatsisface, you know, off the news and shit.

Finally, Ms Perry's fuckbuddy, Russell Brand, will then stagger in - ripped to the tits on Christ only knows what - to round off the whole lesson by hilariously dropping some indefensibly outrageous comment about the Russians that may well usher in another 45 years of mutual distrust and with a bit of luck get him back on the BBC.

"Some old fart like your dad might say that if you really want to know about the fall of Communism, you could just go to the library and read a book," said executive producer Richard Godfrey. "But then, of course, all your mates would laugh at you."

"Loser," he added.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

One Man In Britain Actually Surprised By £1000 Train Ticket

A Scottish hermit emerged blinking from a disused tin mine in Cornwall today, for the first time since British Rail was split up into over a hundred companies and given away to thieves, and was somewhat surprised to learn that a first-class return from the arse end of England to its Scottish equivalent now costs over a thousand pounds.

"Ma puir old nan's deid, an' the funeral's Friday," whimpered Wee Jimmy Bampot, as he sold himself to a Bulgarian pimp to raise the necessary funds.

Until today, nobody had ever bought the £1,002 ticket from scenic, vomit-stained Pewquay to picturesque, deserted Kyle of Locharse, according to a laughing spokesman for Cross Country Trains.

"If Mr Bampot's grandmother had taken the trouble to give a couple of weeks' advance warning of her imminent demise so he could book ahead, he would only have had to pay a very reasonable £561," he giggled. "That's less than a sixth of the cost of chartering yourself a twin-engined plane and pilot, you know."

Gordon Brown Put Outside Number Ten In Charity Collection Bag

Britain's shy, introverted prime minister was left on the doorstep of 10 Downing Street in an Oxfam bag this morning, after expressing a desire to do something useful for the charity sector when his services are no longer required by the nation.

On hearing Gordon Brown's plans, a quick-thinking Alan Johnson attracted his attention with a cup of water and a dog biscuit. Meanwhile, Alistair Darling unearthed the charity donations sack, sneaked round behind the PM's chair and swiftly slipped it over Mr Brown's upper torso. Harriet Harman then grabbed the surprised Labour leader's legs and upended him into the bag, which was promptly tied up, dragged downstairs and hurled out of the front door in less than a minute.

However, before Oxfam's lorry could collect the unwanted junk, an unmarked white van pulled up, several shifty-looking Eastern Europeans leapt out, hurriedly bundled the bag into the back and drove off.

"This is a growing problem for us," said a spokesman for Oxfam later. "These callous criminals find out our collection times, and steal our donations before we get there. By now, the prime minister is probably lying in a heap on some dodgy market stall in Poland or Lithuania, where he will be sold at a profit to a poor, unsuspecting family."

"This despicable theft deprives desperately needy people of much-needed relief," he added. "We'd already received several enquiries from devastated communities all over Britain, who were hoping to raise the necessary funds to acquire Mr Brown, a set of stocks and a couple of hundredweight of rotting vegetables."

Monday, 2 November 2009

Britain Sinks

In a tragedy without parallel in the annals of civilisation - if you discount an old Greek fairy story - the British Isles slipped forever under the waves of the Atlantic this morning.

The only survivors to have escaped with their lives appear to have been directors of Britain's corporate property developers and privatised water companies, who realised the reckoning had finally arrived after years of building on flood plains and underinvestment in drainage.

"We've been watching the rainfall charts for years, waiting for the inevitable to happen," said one executive, ruefully pouring muddy water from his shoe. "Even so, the speed with which the UK's overloaded drainage systems finally gave up the ghost almost took us by surprise. We only just managed to get to our yachts and helicopters in time."

The last of the UK's hapless 61m residents to succumb to a watery grave were council chiefs - who were last heard of holding emergency meetings to discuss possible increases in budget allocations for unblocking drains, in the final moments before the shining battlements of their ivory towers sank beneath the rising flood waters.

Worldwide reaction to the disappearance of Great Britain has been mixed. Spaniards are said to be highly amused at the prospect of hundreds of thousands of right-wing ex-pats having to apply for refugee status as stateless persons, while beach resorts all over the world are looking forward to being able to reduce their policing budgets thanks to a huge reduction in alcohol-fuelled public disorder.

Meanwhile, the US Army has kindly offered to hire the UK's forces in Afghanistan as mercenaries, in a continuation of its existing policy.

The Netherlands government is less delighted, however, as the Atlantic swell begins to overflow the dykes on its seaboard, eating away at Holland at an estimated rate of seven kilometres a day.

"Shit, man, there goes our breakwater," said Dutch Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende, as he paddled into a press conference.

Shock As Abdullah Twins Pull Out of The X Ballot

President Hamid Khazi has been declared the winner of Afghanistan's popular talent-for-cheating show, The X Ballot, after twins Abdullah & Abdullah shocked the UN elections panel by pulling out of the contest in floods of tears.

"Obviously it's not quite the result we were hoping for," said UN observer Simon Cowell. "But I'm glad those bloody obnoxious Abdullahs are out of the picture at last, after all the troublesome allegations they made about voting fraud in the first round. Let me just say I personally checked all of President Khazi's votes, and I can assure you that his signature appears on every single one."

US President Barack Obama was the first foreign leader to congratulate Mr Khazi on his victory, although he later told reporters: "It is far from ideal for such a deeply-divided land, blighted as it is by impoverishment and disorder, to be governed by a somewhat discredited leader who lacks the legitimacy of a proper democratic mandate."

Britain's Gordon Brown has so far declined to comment.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Brave Army Hero Blames Nobody But Himself

A former squaddie who served in Afghanistan has today sensationally pointed the finger of responsibility squarely at himself, for joining the army in the first place.

Former trooper Chalky White took time out from his civvy street job of patrolling a shopping centre in Sheffield to tell reporters: "There was me at 16, wi' nowt but a GCSE in kickboxing, an' years of pissin' about in school left me wi' two choices - signin' on in the 'ope of findin' a minimum-wage McJob one day, or gettin' silly money for joinin' up an' gettin' me own gun an' that."

"Perhaps I should of stopped to ask meself why the money was so good," reflected Trooper White. "But the adverts said I'd be pissin' about on a tropical beach all day, surrounded by fanny. I takes one look at the manky trolls on the estate an' I'm straight down the recruitin' office shoutin' 'Where do I sign, mate?' Next thing I know, I'm marchin' round Helmand wi' towelheads all around tryin' to blow me cobblers off, like."

"Reckon I must of bin a reet twat not to see that comin'," he admitted ruefully.

"I 'ad some daft notion that I'd come out o' the service set up for life, too, wi' a cushy job, page 3 models queuein' up to drop their knickers for me an' everyone treatin' me like a celebrity," he continued. "Instead I get a couple 'undred nicker, a stroppy bird what shouts at me for gettin' under 'er feet all the time I'm 'ome, an' cheeky nippers tryin' to nick me cap when I'm at work. All a bit predictable, really."

"I s'pose if I'd o' thunk about it, there in't a lot of civvy jobs where the ability to strip an SA80 wi' a blindfold on is a must," he mused.

Controversially, Trooper White refused to lash out at the MoD for failing to supply adequate equipment, politicians for sending troops out to fight pointless foreign wars, or protesters for demonstrating against the occupation of Afghanistan.

"Since when 'as the British soldier ever 'ad an abundance of the best kit?" he asked. "Us already spends more on defence than any other country in Europe, there in't a bottomless pit y'know. As for the rest - well, in't that the democracy we was out there fightin' to protect? It's never been no different, like."

"I seen some good mates killed out there," he added with a shrug. "Well, that's what we got paid for. Can't say I'm 'appy 'bout it, but shit 'appens."

Juju Priest Urges Cultists Not To Listen To Mumbo-Jumbo

Stern appeals from mumbo-jumbo Catholic witch doctors not to listen to mumbo-jumbo from a man who is not a witch doctor have fallen on deaf ears, with 10,000 deluded Irish cultists descending on the tiny village of Knock in the hope of catching a glimpse of their mythical fetish-figure's mother.

"If you screw your eyes up and look at the sun for long enough, I promise you that you will receive a holy vision of the great juju-virgin herself," chanted goatherd and self-proclaimed 'heap big sky magician' Paddy McGinty. "She will appear to you in her pure spiritual form, i.e. a sort of big purple spot, and grant you three wishes. Straight up, no shit."

"Hear me, silly wives of the mighty warrior sons of Ireland," pleaded local obeah-man, Archmage Michael Neary to the gathering womenfolk. "Do not listen to rambling nonsense spouted by a humble goat-herder who makes a comfortable living off your gullibility. I tell you now, the wrath of the great sky spirit can only be kept at bay by listening to rambling nonsense spouted by a robed child-fumbler who makes a comfortable living off your gullibility."

Some of the mighty warriors' silly wives claim they saw the great purple juju-virgin yesterday; but a few ouspoken heretics have risked being stricken with a plague of boils to claim that the so-called 'visions' are not all that either Mr McGinty or the Archmage say they are.

"I saw the sun spinning," a wise woman from a rival tribe told the world's smoke-signallers this morning. "Who is to know it isn't climate change or some shit like that causing that? Gaia the mighty earth mother is angry, and it is altogether more probable that she has finally risen up to smite the sun god a tremendous clout - sending him reeling through his kingdom, the starry firmament, in a bit of a daze."

"I skimmed through a book once that wasn't the Bible," she explained. "Now I believe in the superior magic of rational scientific observation. So I'm going to be looking at the sun through a telescope later, to see if I can spot the bruise."