Saturday, 12 November 2011

Daily Mail Designs New Royal Yacht For Queen's Jubilee

Surely the Queen is worth £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to the nation?

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Conspiracy Theorists Horrified As Seb Coe Accidentally Repeats The Philadelphia Experiment

Outraged conspiracy theorists solemnly warned Lord Coe today that his ill-advised attempt to make HMS Belfast - the historic WWII cruiser moored on the Thames – vanish into thin air may well have torn a rift in the fabric of space which will ultimately suck London, and ultimately all the matter in the universe, into a terrible inter-dimensional void where time and the laws of physics have no meaning.
HMS Belfast (probably)
“In 1943 the US Navy secretly embarked upon Project Rainbow, hoping to make their ships invisible to radar by applying Einstein’s mysteriously incomplete unified field theory,” explained an earnest man in a tinfoil hat. “The unintended result was that the USS Eldridge disappeared completely for several minutes, leaving a hull-shaped impression in the waters of the Philadelphia Naval Shipyard, before reappearing with half of its crew horribly merged into the very fabric of the ship and the rest stark raving bonkers. The entire population of Philadelphia saw this happen, but obviously they were all sworn to secrecy by Naval Intelligence. It’s not just on the internet, there’s a book about it so it must be true. Lord Coe must be insane to even contemplate repeating this foolhardy attempt to tamper with the space/time continuum.”

He added that it was surely no coincidence that the disappearance of HMS Belfast coincided exactly with asteroid 2005 YU55’s sudden lunge towards the earth.

So far today, however, visitors to HMS Belfast have reported no signs of any sailors sticking out of the deck or running around screaming - although several claim to have been approached by furtive tinfoil-clad men with cricket bats skulking behind hatches, asking whether they happened to have noticed a secret compartment full of valves.

A spokesman for London 2012 commented: “Er…whoops… there’s this thing called Photoshop …”

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

War With FIFA!

At 11 o’clock this morning prime minister David Cameron solemnly told the people of Britain that he had issued a warning to FIFA’s president, Sepp Blatter, demanding that he withdraw his ban on England players wearing poppies, but that the deadline had now expired and a state of war now existed between Britain and football’s governing body.

Massed ranks of football fans are being mobilised, he added, to seize and occupy key strategic football pitches which have been identified as vital to FIFA’s ability to wage football.

Remember the fallen
“FIFA’s unprovoked attack on the defenceless poppy demonstrates a callous contempt for the loss of millions of lives,” Mr Cameron told a cheering parliament. “We shall fight on the coaches, we shall fight on the playing fields, we shall fight in the streets. We shall never surrender.”

“Let us therefore brace ourselves to our foreigner-kicking duties,” he continued, to a standing ovation and rousing cheers from MPs of all parties, “And so bear ourselves that if British football and its players’ wealth last for a thousand years, fans will still say: this was their finest hour.”

“Here we go, here we go, here we go again,” reflected sombre battle-scarred veterans of the Moan To End All Moans, which their generation fought over Britain’s historic right to host the World Cup.

'Off You Go, Then,' Britain Tells HSBC

After HSBC warned that tougher regulations may force it to leave Britain, the bank’s branches up and down the country have been besieged by people offering to help it pack its bags.

Need a hand with that?
“You get to a $2.5 billion cost for being UK headquartered. This is a non-trivial decision, you don't move your head office on a regular basis,” complained Stuart Gulliver, chief executive of the bank whose selling of sub-prime mortgages to Americans who were unable to afford them did so much to cement London’s reputation as a global banking centre. “We’re already cutting back our operations in America, Canada, Russia, Poland, Georgia and Chile - and if any more governments want to interfere with our right to all the money in the world, we will leave Earth altogether and ruin you from the moon, which has the sort of regulations we like.”

Recession-hit customers, meanwhile, are visiting the other high-street banks, asking them if they have any plans to push off too, and offering to hold the door open for them on the way out.

Horrified MPs, however, warned the public that the banking sector provides essential support to Britain’s prosperity by offering vital non-executive directorships to humble politicians who would otherwise be reduced to losing all but one of their homes and begging in the streets.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

75% Of City Financiers Say: ‘Yes I Do Get Paid Far Too Much, Thanks’

A banker's idea of what the struggling poor look like
Three quarters of London’s finance professionals happily agreed that they get paid a stupid amount of money, according to a report published by the St Paul’s Institute, a think tank linked to the Square Mile’s cathedral.

“Why, the gap between me and the poor is simply disgraceful, old boy,” commented James Spreadsheet, a senior bean counter of one of the ‘big three’ accountancy firms. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to advise some clients to sack hundreds more little people and freeze the pay of the ones who are left. Then I’ve got to charge the silly buggers the usual couple of hundred grand. No rest for the virtuous, you know.”

“The bonus culture definitely needs reforming,” pointed out Rob Blind, a guilt-stricken futures trader. “The bloody markets are so stagnant I’ll be lucky if this year’s bonus even covers the road tax on the Porsche, let alone buys me a new one. Tell you what, my friend, why don’t we abolish these rotten bonuses altogether and replace them with a much fairer system of huge salary increases?”

All of the 515 City professionals questioned in the survey insisted that their firm was a ship of probity in a sea of ravenous sharks and begged the public to appreciate their efforts more, as they staggered out of Coq d’Argent and other City dining establishments after selflessly redistributing some of their vast wealth to the poor restauranteurs of the Square Mile.

Alcohol A Factor In 44% Of Ulster Arrests, Claims Pissed Justice Minister

Mind how you go now, y'bastud
Northern Ireland’s justice minister, David Ford, gravely warned the Stormont Assembly today that drink was a factor in 44% of arrests in the province before slumping, insensible, to the floor and soiling himself.

“Ash I undershtand it, the proposhalsh for minimum unit prishing conshentrate on the health conshy… cuntsy… stuff. Hic,” he slurred to worried MLAs. “In my reshponsh to the reshent public conshtipation on thish issue I did, however, recognishe that there are pretentioush criminal jushtish benefitsh to removing cheap alcoholic drinksh, as the poleesh admit that the Guinnesh wash a contribatory fuctor in 44% of their arreshts. What the fuck are yoush looking at?”

A spokesman for the Police Service of Northern Ireland later insisted that the Nev Filter was his best friend in the whole world, several times, before trying to arrest it over the telephone.

Monday, 7 November 2011

Crapfone Whyhouse To Sell Chinese Phones To China

Even as it shuts down its UK joint venture with US retail giant Bad Buy to sell electrical stuff they don’t need to consumers who can’t afford it, resulting in 1,100 job losses, essential lifestyle toy retailer Crapfone Whyhouse is already making plans with its US partner to sell mobile phones made in China to the people of China.

That thing you make will make your lives complete
“Finally, the Chinese drones who are driven by economic necessity to slave away in latter-day concentration camps like Foxconn will be able to enjoy the fruits of their efforts, neatly completing the circle,” enthused Crapfone Whyhouse CEO and legendary Queen drummer Roger Taylor.

“Imagine how complete their ant-like lives will be once they are compulsorily permitted to spend the tiny portion remaining in their pay packets - after deductions for food, lodging and bus fare from the dormitory part of the compound to the factory area - on the small objects of desire they are banging out for pennies," he explained. "Under China’s wisely restrictive regulations on personal communications, they will be permitted to revel in the daily toilet-break luxury of tweeting to each other just how inordinately happy they feel to be contributing to our profit margins.”

It is also hoped that the labour camps will be eventually spared the expense of playing inspiring Communist marching songs over their factory-wide PA systems, as workers enthusiastically download their personal choice of Communist marching songs at a marginally reasonable price once they have worked enough compulsory overtime to pay for their little pocket friends.

Metropolitan Police Looking Forward To Pot-A-Trot Week

Police will be inviting students to give them an excuse
London’s finest are said to be eagerly anticipating the long-awaited return of Pot-a-Trot Week, following the announcement that they will be issued with baton rounds for Wednesday’s student jamboree against tuition fees, cuts, inequality and other things that don’t concern them.

“We haven’t been able to give the public what for like this since the General Strike of 1926, so called because police officers were generally free to strike anyone who looked at them in a socialist manner,” commented a gleeful Commander Simon Pounding, in charge of the operation. “Happy days.”

“Pot-a-Trot week is about charity, looking out for people, being smartly dressed and giving a sporting something back to the community,” he added. “And when my lads see anyone sporting a silly haircut or dressed like an explosion in a charity shop, they’re all looking forward to giving them what for. And that’s going to smart.”

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Northern Motorists Pledge Further Attempts To Outdo Soft Southern Shites

And he's into the chicane!
Disappointed at their failure to notch a single fatality in their M6-based effort, northerners today vowed to keep hurtling blindly into fog until they reassert their natural superiority over the soft southerners who piled into each other on the M5 near Taunton on Friday evening, killing seven and injuring 51 in a collision involving 34 vehicles.

“A’ve reet got me fog lights on aye, so a’ can drive at any speed a’ fookin’ please,” professional northerner Mark Whippet shouted into his mobile phone as he enthusiastically flung his white Transit van through a contraflow system on the M1 north of Leeds at 70mph.

Meanwhile, rather than upsetting victims’ relatives by suggesting that even mild-mannered old ladies are instantly transformed into reckless banzai-screaming lunatics the moment they start an engine, Avon and Somerset police are now investigating a theory that impenetrable walls of dense black smoke from rockets may have drifted onto the M5 from a nearby fireworks display - possibly involving V2 missiles left over from the war.

Yawning Miliband Emerges From Giant Teapot, Reads Headlines For First Time In Weeks

Do not disturb until April
Labour leader Miliband Two has woken up from a three-week nap inside his favourite teapot and noticed some sort of protest going on, he announced sleepily this morning.

“I don’t know quite what all this fuss is about,” he yawned, rubbing his eyes with his little paws, “Are they upset about the noise from church bells? They wake me up sometimes.”

When informed that the St Paul’s protest had something to do with rising popular anti-capitalism sentiments, Mr Miliband declared that he was sure he was probably on their side before disappearing back inside his teapot to hibernate for the next six months.

Meanwhile, former Lazards Investment Bank chairman Ken Costa, who now promotes the evangelical Alpha Course brainwashing programme, told the Sunday Telegraph that the finance industry had somehow lost sight of the need to do good – which, he insisted, used to be the sole factor motivating investors back in the day when he was running things according to God’s plan.

“I urge everyone in the City to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour,” he suggested. “Go on, give each other a big, loving hug and tell your clients the good news that Jesus will sort it all out.”