Months of tense waiting have finally ended, as the BBC revealed who has been cast in the most challenging role that the world of acting has to offer - the part of the eleventh Doctor Who.
"We were looking for a towering colossus of an actor," said Russell T Grant, the dramatic genius who brought the Doctor back to the screens of a grateful world. "A man, woman or small furry mammal who could not only remember their lines, but wear a costume."
"Doctor Who was first played by the brilliant William Hartnell, a man whose costume-wearing abilities were overshadowed only by his ability to look very old," explained the series' head writer, Little Miss Moffatt. "Then the brilliant Patrick Troughton overcame a slight difficulty with remembering his lines by wearing his costume with unsurpassed panache. The brilliant Jon Pertwee established the Doctor as a man of both well-remembered lines and superbly-worn costume. Only the brilliant Tom Baker could have stepped into his shoes, which he did brilliantly by a brilliant combination of costume-wearing and remembering lines.
"Next came the brilliant Peter Davison, who not only wore a costume while simulataneously remembering his lines but added an unique ability to wear a vegetable, Miss Moffatt droned on. "Then the brilliant Colin Baker slid brilliantly into the role, remembered his lines and wore a costume as only he can. Sylvester 'Mr Brilliant' McCoy experimented with wearing his lines and remembering his costume, but that was too much for the BBC under the evil Michael Grade, who caused mass suicides by cruelly cancelling the show. Fortunately, millions of lives were saved when one of the brilliant McGann brothers remembered his lines and wore a costume for over an hour."
"When I brilliantly revived the show," reminisced Russell T Harty, "It was a stroke of genius to cast the brilliant Christopher Ecclestone. He remembered so many lines while wearing his costume that he set a new benchmark - which made the brilliant David Tennent so much more brilliant for not only matching Christopher's brilliance in the costume-wearing department, but also remembering his lines in a foreign language, i.e. English."
"The actor hasn't been born who can fill David's brilliant shoes," added Miss Moffatt, over a plate of curds and whey. "That's why we've taken the daring risk of casting an unborn foetus as the eleventh Doctor. He will take the show in exciting new directions, and we hope that when he is finally born - some time around the end of his first season, possibly - he will deliver his lines and wear a costume in a completely different way whilst remaining essentially true to the spirit of the show, which is to fill an hour in the Saturday evening schedules."
In newspaper offices around the world, all other stories were cleared from the pages of Sunday's editions to break the momentous news to a waiting world. In the Middle East, the Israeli Air Force temporarily suspended its blitzing of the Gaza Strip in order to allow the Palestinians to celebrate the casting announcement. Meanwhile, Gordon Brown, Barack Obama and a tear-stained Robert Mugabe were among the first world leaders to offer their congratulations to the lucky foetus.
The embryonic young actor signalled his delight at being cast in the most demanding, yet coveted role in the history of the world by kicking inside his mummy's tummy and sticking his thumb in a partially-developed eye.
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