Lords Of The Admiralty, Emma And The Queen Mum Conspired Darkly Against Punk Festival, Claim Anarcho-Organisers

Fans of punk music left disappointed and out-of-pocket by the last-minute cancellation of Bath’s ‘Last Jubilee’ festival this weekend have been told by organisers Bellsonit Non-Events that dark forces of authority – rumoured to be an unholy alliance of the Five Sea Lords, genteel fictional character Emma Woodhouse and the late Queen Mother – secretly conspired to prevent the dog-on-a-string event which undoubtedly threatened to tear down the entire rotten edifice of state authority.

You wanted anarchy - you got anarchy

“Using SO-CALLED health and safety LEGISLATION whose ‘legitimacy’ we, naturally, do not recognise,” Bellsonit posted on their website, “Dark ESTABLISHMENT figures on the COUNCIL made ridiculous claims like ‘well, that’ll be nice’ and pathetic DEMANDS such as ‘if you need any advice, give our helpline a ring’ which were clearly intended to MAKE US forget to sign any contracts, which incidentally are designed solely to reinforce BLIND OBEDIENCE to artificial HIERARCHIES, or pay anyone with evil CRAPitalist tokens of OPPRESSION.”

Bemused officers at Bath & North East Somerset Council, meanwhile, have expressed a keen interest in seeing the Cancellation Notice the organisers insist was served on them by the local authority, as they have never seen one before because there is no such thing.

“To say we are out of pocket is a massive understatement,” Bellsonit told thousands of irate fans, who have handed over up to £125 each for a ticket.

Their website was subsequently updated, replacing the word ‘understatement’ with ‘porky’.

Millions Facing Misery Of Paying For Other People’s Hard Work

Brave dissidents from the repressive dictatorship of Britain are desperately trying to raise global awareness of their terrible suffering today, after a Nazi in a wig ordered cowering internet service providers to deny them the fundamental human right to steal all the music they want.

“Britain’s brutal declaration of war on the innocent plunderers of Pirate Bay is exactly how Hitler kicked off,” tweeted heroic activists, many of whom have vowed to die fighting if they are cruelly forced to exchange money for songs they like. “How can struggling young artists ever receive the rewards and recognition their talents deserve, if I am forced to part with a small amount of cash? This is nothing less than out-and-out fascism. And communism, too.”

The grim reality of Britain today

Music liberators lay the blame for the unjust decision squarely at the feet of bloated, evil record company bosses, whose naked lust for a return on their investments stands in stark contrast to the open-handed philanthropism of organisations like Facebook, Google and every other business in the entire world.

“Why can’t the music industry adopt an up-to-date business plan based on giving everything away for nothing?” commented a tragic thief on Facebook. “I bought a t-shirt last year. There’s enough profit in that to buy a drummer two pairs of hardly-used sticks on eBay. What more do these parasites want from me?”

Salvation is at hand for the persecuted MP3 hoarders, however, as Avaaz.com fearlessly risked punitive reprisals by starting an online petition which is certain to bring down the hated British regime by teatime on Wednesday.

Depp and Portman Sign For Help In McCartney Hostage Video

After studying the latest video footage from supervillian Paul McCartney, sign language experts today confirmed that Hollywood actors Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman, whilst pretending to comply with his sick demands, are heroically issuing cleverly-coded messages of defiance instead.

In his cruel video message, evil mastermind McCartney forces his captives to sign the words of ‘My Valentine’, his latest hysterical threat to world peace. However, the resourceful Depp brilliantly subverts his tormentor’s twisted message by signing ‘enemy’ instead of declaring his love for the aged Scouse maniac - whilst Portman, movingly, begs Western leaders to parachute in a fresh supply of humanitarian jam rags.

Depp: "Kill me. Kill me now"

“Our brave boy and girl have highlighted the sheer hypocrisy of McCartney,” explained an expert in being deaf. “By exploiting the differences between American and British Sign Language, they have fearlessly exposed his cynical ignorance of the very issue he professes to care so deeply about.”

"What gives McCartney the right to inflict his nonsense on deaf people too?" he demanded plaintively. “When will the UN authorise the use of force?”

MTV To Screen Belfast’s ‘Troubles Festival’

No doubt there'll be a tasteful CD, too

MTV will be commemorating the needless slaughter of thousands with a huge rock concert in Belfast later this year, a spokesman for the music channel confirmed today. The gig is to be the centrepiece of the Ulster capital’s eagerly-anticipated Troubles Festival, which is being organised by city authorities to celebrate the unnecessary deaths of over 3000 innocent victims of Ireland’s once world-beating hatebuilding industry.

“Thanks to heart-warming blockbuster movies like Michael Collins and In The Name Of The Father, all the world knows the moving tale of a city divided by barriers of religion and bricks but finally united in death,” said the excited MTV spokesman. “We hope the whole world will not just watch, but join the forward-looking people of Belfast in dancing on these historic graves.”

Other events planned to boost Belfast’s global image include a play commissioned to celebrate the dedication and hard work of the people of the city where the Troubles were built, and an iPad app which will showcase rare footage of doomed bystanders being poignantly maimed by a bomb in a litter bin.

Britain On Brink Of Civil War Between Fans Of Adele And Blur

War is declared

Battle lines are being rapidly drawn throughout Britain today, after Adele’s planned Brit Awards rant against the music-industry “suits” who plucked her from obscurity was sensationally cut short last night to allow fellow millionaires Blur to plod through their grandad-pleasing set, with families being rent asunder by sharply-divided loyalties which threaten to pit fathers against daughters and sons against mothers.

“I applaud Adele’s brave and principled stance against the penis-waving music moguls who cynically showered her with awards just to shift units and make her a household name,” said Berkshire mum Jen Hayes, who has annexed all the cutlery in preparation for a long and bloody conflict. “And if that stupid husband of mine utters another word about Damon bloody All-Bran he’ll be spending his nights on the living-room sofa from now on, trying to cuddle up to the dog.”

Her 14-year-old son Josh has already suffered the tragic loss of both testicles on the way to school, after suicidally telling elder sister Chelsea that the only similarity between Adele and R&B legend Aretha Franklin is their dress size.

Noel Gallagher Validates Nation’s Grandfathers

Music was better under Margaret Thatcher, according to Britpop granddad Noel Gallagher, and what’s more, everybody had proper haircuts.

Noel Gallagher - still banging out top tunes

“A’ tell thee this for nowt, there wor a proper woork ethic back in ‘em days,” observed the former Oasis guitarist, as he took a break from watching documentaries on Yesterday to light his favourite pipe. “’Ef tha wor oonemployed lak, ‘appen t’ obsession wor to find woork - man’s woork, y’know, lak down t’ coal mine she wor shuttin’ down, not poncin’ about sum fancy call centre lak a big girl’s blouse.”

“An’ t’lasses, ‘em knawed them’s place wor in t’ hoom, bringin’ oop t’ babby an’ scrubbin’ t’ khazi out back yard an’ all,” he reminisced fondly over a pint of foaming ale.

“Back when a’ wor a nipper, y’d see bloomin’ great steam locomotives go thunderin’ over t’ viaduct, driver on t’ footplate wi’ ‘is Hofner electrical guitar gizmo - as e’d purchased on t’ never-never from Kays catalogue - plugged int’ firebox for practicin’ riffs from ‘Smoke On t’ Water’ lak for t’ annual dinner an’ dance down t’ ASLEF Social Club,” explained the 90s legend, adjusting his flat cap. “Young ‘uns nowadays, tappin’ them’s jungle-drum loops into Ataris an’ Megadrives an’ what-‘ave-you – ‘appen ‘em en’t got a bloody clue as to what a proper middle eight is.”

Dads and granddads are now explaining to their sceptical children that Noel Gallagher is a national treasure, and Britain will be a poorer place when he dies.

Record Label In Search For Lowest Publicity Stunt

Classical music label Decca has launched a global search for the deepest human voice ever heard, after composer and idiot Paul Mealor squeezed out a piece which is physically impossible to sing.

“Mr Mealor was famous for five minutes when a tribe of squaddies’ cockwarmers wailed their way to the top of the Christmas charts with his profound meditation on separation and loss, ‘Whoever You Are’ , so obviously we need to cash in fast before his name drops out of the back of your head forever,” said a Decca spokesman. “Unfortunately, the only thing this fucktard’s managed to bang out since Christmas demands the services of a vocalist with a throat the size of a hatchback. And, unless we can teach a whale to sing in Latin, there’s nothing in the natural world which can hit three octaves below middle E.”

This does not exist, and neither do computers

“Fortunately for us, voice-transforming gadgets have been available cheaply since 1996 so, from a technical point of view, it’s not really a problem,” he added. “And they work in real-time, too, so that covers the quick cash-in tour - which is how we usually try to recoup the cost of recording a CD nobody is ever going to buy. But then we came up with this brilliant idea for a publicity stunt. Here goes.”

“Ahem. Dis shout going out to anybody what gots a throat the size of a fanny magnet,” he warned the public. “Bluds! Bluds! All you gots to do is convince yourself your bath-time grunts is like waaay better than the perfectly-modulated tonality of a trained world-class professional, then tell all your chav mates with wicked sound systems in their wheelz that you is be shouting out to all your homeys on the long-playing Decca release of da hipster Paul Mealor’s subwoofa-pumpin’ ‘De Profundis’ innit.”

“Standard,” he added shiftily.

Cliff Alive And Available For Weddings, Funerals, Bar Mitzvahs

Sir Cliff Richard today reminded the public that he is still very much alive, and would very much welcome the opportunity to sing at your special occasion.

Sir Cliff can bring his own backcloth, too, for added glitz

“I can bring my own amp and backing tape and everything,” promised the lizard-throated God botherer. “Very reasonable rates. Just sit me next to a mains socket and I can set up in a jiffy. Perhaps you’re organising the office Christmas party this evening, and Lady Gaga has cancelled at the last minute. Give me a call. Please. I can definitely fit you in.”

For an extra fiver, Sir Cliff says he will also chuck in Una Stubbs.

“And I promise not to bang on about Jesus,” he added earnestly. “Not while the mic’s plugged in, anyway.”

Coldplay Fans Try Hypnosis

Coldplay fans say their appreciation of the band’s latest album, Mylo Xoloto Casho, has improved greatly under hypnosis, with many falling blissfully into a deep trance during the very first bars and awakening the next morning with no memory of a single distinctive song.

Producer and towering genius Brian Eno suggested hypnosis for the band during recording - enabling them to bang out another 14 turgid fan-pleasing dirges without any conscious effort whatsoever, which was a great relief to them. Fans who also heeded Professor Eno’s inspired advice say it is a great relief to them, too.

The legendary Prof Eno, heroically manipulating the gloom envelope

“Brian Eno is, of course, the world’s first ever certified genius of music, and even his farts are tonally perfect down to the tiniest detail,” explained morose frontman Chris Martin. “His latest idea is that we shouldn’t turn up at all to the sessions for our next album. He’s just going to dial our personalities into his old VCS3 synthesizer, wander off for a fag and a ploughman’s, and send the tape of its burbling drones off to EMI with an invoice for the usual amount. We can spend the time hugging more trees. Brilliant.”

“Whatever. We’ll buy it,” enthused the band’s easily-pleased fanbase.

Loyal Fans Vow To Ruin Jackson Children’s Lives With Adulation

Dance! Sing! My pretties

Fans of kiddy-bedding plastic corpse Wackson Jackson vowed yesterday to ruin the lives of his children with the same sort of uncritical, psychologically-damaging adulation they showered upon their deeply flawed hero when he was young and impressionable.

50,000 Jackson addicts cheered wildly as poor King Wacko (14), Plaster (11) and Pillow a/k/a King Wacko Mk.II (9) were pushed onstage at the Cardiff tribute performance, creepily dressed in the stage clothes their late father was made to wear whilst being ruthlessly exploited.

“I am utterly impervious to any criticism of the great Wackson Jackson, and if he were to rise from the dead to invite my grandchildren into his bed I’d instruct them not to come back without his autograph - ow!” enthused outwardly-sensible fan Mark Peters, 49, pathetically clutching his shrunken testicles in some kind of tribute.

His wife Shelley agreed vigorously: “Wackson was just a tragic, innocent victim of cynical child exploitation by his own family. And I’d like to thank his family for sharing his children with us.”

Record Company Bosses Instruct Public To Like Squawking Lesbian Folkie From Taunton Again

Music industry executives strongly suggest that you log onto iPlayer immediately and buy all the MP3s by Taunton folk lesbian PJ Harvey - including all her old stuff which you dutifully bought on CD ten years ago, when she was last given the Mercury Sales Boost - unless, perhaps, you want to give your dinner-party guests the impression that you must be some sort of war-crazed homophobic misogynist.

“Polly Harvey’s seminal new album, ‘Gosh, War Is Really Bad Isn’t It’, offers a unique lesbian insight into the war thing,” explained her proud owner Barry Weiss, CEO of Island Records. “You will be humbled and elated to hear her fearlessly stripping bare your narrow, heterosexual misconceptions about war with the aid of her trusty Les Paul and some sort of tin-plated polygon with strings, opening your complacent eyes to the shocking revelation that, for many people, war is actually quite bad. Now give me your cash, suckers.”

Polly and her special anti-war plunky thing

“Anybody who doesn’t worhsip PJ is obviously a frustrated would-be rapist, what with her heroically ticking the lezzer box and that,” said longtime fan Starchild Moonflower. “I’ve been so like into her since way back, when she sang that one about menstruating Celtic statues – essential subject matter that testosterone-fuelled cock wavers like Justin Bieber wouldn’t dare touch with a bargepole.”

Once her record company has recovered the huge investment it made in hiring a soundproofed warehouse, a Macbook Pro and a couple of microphones for a day or two, the re-crowned queen of the battlefield said she was eagerly looking forward to putting her royalties towards a six pack of Strongbow and a fresh pair of leather pants.

Chris de Burgh Invited To Smash Water Boatman’s Loud Penis-Rubbing World Record

Stop that at once

(This article has been removed due to the number of gratuitous and tasteless appearances of the offensive term ‘Chris de Burgh’.)

Albarn, Björk Unveil Exciting Alternatives To Songs You Can Hum

The world of popular music aimed at people with a mental age of more than five continues to disappear up its own arse, as 90s has-beens Damon Albarn and Björk launched their latest vanity projects in Manchester.

Albarn has fallen victim to the urge - tragically common to ageing egotists from the pop industry - to insist that he is a serious modern composer, rather than the bloke who taught your dad to shout “You should cut down on your pork life mate, get some exercise”, by staging what he insists is a proper opera. In an innovative twist which never occurred to pedestrian dullards like Wagner and Rossini, however, Albarn’s ‘Dr Diddly Dee’ masterpiece features the composer spanking his plank on a godlike perch above the stage.

Everybody sing along now: Plunk, bzzz, parp

Meanwhile, puffin-botherer Björk launched the Manchester International Festival by filling a stage with various plunking, fizzing, wheezing and farting mechanical toys, after David Attenborough’s disembodied voice solemnly warned the audience of the horrors awaiting them. Stamping around Doc Brown’s laboratory from ‘Back To The Future’ and dressed as an orange lollipop, Iceland’s most irritating pixie terrified her long-suffering fans with detailed descriptions of parasites eating snails’ brains and exhorted them to download iPhone apps expressly designed to randomly mangle her back catalogue.

“Is this what Rihanna will be doing in 20 years’ time?” said a five-year-old from Salford. “Mummy, I’m scared. I don’t want to grow up.”

That U2 Glastonbury Set List In Full

The Revenue Still Haven’t Found What They’re Looking For;
Tax Year’s Day Off;
Hide (In The Caymans, Love);
If God Will Send His Accountants;
Get Filling Your Boots;
Two Hearts Count As One For Tax Purposes;
Who’s Gonna Find Your Wild Investments;
Tax Window In The Skies;
Beautiful Don’t Pay;
A Non-Declaration;
Where The Streets Have No Tax;
Sometimes You Can’t Hide It On Your Own;
In God’s Tax Haven;
UK Bloody Uncut;
Tax Me To The Clouds Above (omitted due to overrunning).

Tonight’s Eurovision Contestants In Full

FINLAND

 JULIET BRAVO (real name: Axel Griis)
Blib Blib Blob






  

BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA

DINO MARTIN (deceased)
We Still Use Cassettes





DENMARK

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
Please Give Us 12 Points






LITHUANIA

BRANGELINA SAŠENKO
C’est Ma Vie (©1984 Parle Parle)






  

HUNGARY

KATI BITCH
It’s All About Me








IRELAND

JEDWARD THE CONFESSOR
Dipstick




 

SWEDEN

ERIK SAD
Unpopular











ESTONIA

GETOUT JANNER
Union Street








GREECE

LUKE YORK feat. KYTV’s MIKE FLEX
Never Mind The Song, Watch My Dance









RUSSIA

VLADIMIR PUTIN
Smell You








FRANCE

 AMOUR VASELINE
Signu Sognu











ITALY

SILVIO BERLUSCONI
Madness Of Loving An Underage Prostitute








SWITZERLAND

ANNA TOSSAROONI
In Charts For A While (1 week - Switzerland only)











UNITED KINGDOM

 BLOB THE BUILDER
Can We Win It? No We Can’t











MOLDIVER

ZXCVBNM
No Lucky











GERMANY

LENA
99 Luftballons








ROMANIA

HOTEL 198KHz
Change To Long Wave For More Cricket








AUSTRIA

NADINE BELLOWER
The Secret Is [REDACTED]








AZERBAIJAN (property of Aliyev family)

 KINELL
Running Scared Of Going Home Unless We Win







SLOVENIA

MAJA KEUCKUP
No Points








ICELAND

NORMANNI NO-FRIENDS
Coming Home Empty-Handed






SPAIN

LUCÍA PARROT
Que Me Quiten Lo Pis (They Can Take The Piss Out Of Me)






UKRAINE

 MIKA EINSTEIN
 Charlie’s Angel











SERBIA

NINA
99 Luftballons (You’ve done this one already - Ed.)











GEORGIA

 ANDREW ELDRITCH (ret’d.)
You Could Be The One More Day

Aguilera Sent To Guantanamo Bay For Treason

The murderous act a numbed America is already calling 2/6

Christina Aguilera has been flown, hooded and wearing an orange jumpsuit, to the notorious Guantanamo Bay detention centre after committing an unpardonable act of high treason against the United States of America, by murdering its defenceless national anthem at the nation’s most sacred ceremony, the Superb Owl.

Miss Aguilera seemed harmless at first, pitching the first four words correctly, but then millions of horrified viewers heard her turn the word ‘see’ into a hideous polysyllabic warble. But worse was to follow.

“Aguilera’s task was to sing 85 notes,” growled America’s foremost musicologist, Professor Ignatius Pop, 91. “Yet she unashamedly yodelled no less than 857 of the bastards before being wrestled to the ground by shocked officials, dragged off the pitch and handed over to federal marshals.”

“She further insulted this great nation by altering the lyrics, deliberately keeping her eyes on the twilight when she should have been watching our glorious flag,” snarled the venerable professor’s puppet twin. “And the goddam traitor didn’t even have the humility to atone for her heinous crimes by flopping her hooters out. I’m tearing up her insurance policy right now, the bitch.”

In the muted silence that followed, the Green Bay Packers scored a hollow and meaningless victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers in a softies’ version of rugby where all the players look like extras from ‘Deliverance’ at a Michelin man-themed fancy dress party.

Mick Hucknall Apologises To Millions Of Imaginary Women He Slept With

Who wouldn't?

Ginger potato man Mick Hucknall today issued a heartfelt apology to the millions of imaginary women he insists he pleasured in the 80s.

“Between 1985 and 1987, I would - you know - do it with about three ladies a day, every day,” the Simply Red singer told a heroically straight-faced Guardian reporter. “Not at the same time, obviously, because that’s a bit naughty.”

“A red-headed man is not generally considered to be a sexual icon,” he admitted, “But the sight of my carroty pubes and little pink willy drove them wild, I tell you. They’d show me their lady parts and everything, and after I cried and and told them I was an unwanted ginger child they’d eventually take pity on me and let me put it up them.”

“They know who they are,” he replied defensively, when his struggling interviewer finally let out a snigger and asked if he could maybe recall the name of one of his mystery legion of blind, philanthropic nymphomaniacs.

W. Ankr Rose Declares ‘War’ On Festivals

It's past your bedtime, grandad

Guns N’Roses singer W. Ankr Rose today declared war on Leeds and Reading, after organisers dared to ask his band to shut the fuck up, or there might never be another Leeds Festival.

After killing the festival mood stone dead by leaving fans waiting for half an hour while Ankr’s ego was pumped up to the size of a zeppelin, the has-been band eventually plodded noisily through their tired back catalogue, droning on for twenty tedious minutes past the already-extended curfew before coming back on stage to piss all over the festival some more.

The incident followed similar behaviour the day before at the Reading Festival, where Guns N’Roses sauntered onstage an hour late after Ankr’s head became stuck in a door.

A toy thrown from Ankr’s stretch pram later contained a scathing message to the festival’s organisers, informing them that if people were so concerned over a little bit of noise late at night, “they shoulda evacuated their shitty little towns and villages for the weekend.”

Festival boss Melvin Benn responded by pointing out that Mr Rose’s inability to read a watch had jeopardised the entire future of both events by flouting the agreed curfew, as other acts half his age shook their heads sadly and commented that 48 was a bit old to still be acting like a spotty teenager.

A purple-faced Mr Ankr replied by deploying his guns along the A1(M) close to the Leeds festival site, from where they began firing at crews who were dismantling the main stage. Meanwhile, his bomber fleet dropped deadly clusters of roses between Hare Hatch and Kiln Green, littering the site of the Reading Festival with petals.

X Factor Bosses Admit Using AutoTune To Disguise Droning Monotone Of Simon Cowell

X Factor producers admitted today that they used pitch-altering software AutoTune to add a simulation of human inflection to the soulless, dead noise that comes out of Simon Cowell’s robot head.

Suspicious fans jammed ITV switchboards to point out that they actually heard Cowell’s hollow voice vary in pitch by a whole semitone as its faceplate droned out its standard selection of repetitive stock phrases during Saturday’s broadcast.

Another X-Factor contestant comes off the production line

“Regrettably, producers do occasionally make use of superior Dalek technology in post-production,” admitted a spokesbot this morning from the X Factor’s orbital mothership. “It’s for technical reasons that inferior humanoid life forms would not understand, like inexplicably combining the inputs from several microphones even though every celebrity judge’s head unit is wired directly into the mixing desk.”

Simon Cowell itself was unavailable for comment, as it was in its recharging cubicle downloading routine software updates.

Meanwhile, performing cyborg Gamu Cyberman confessed to being a little off-key during its inanimate rendition of Katrina And The Waves hit ‘Walking On Sunshine’ during the audition.

“Self-diagnostic scan indicates possible intermittent malfunction in vocalisation subroutine,” it intoned. “Delete error and reboot.”

Plymouth Pavilions Takes A Chance On 'Hot' New Band Fronted By A Mr Suggs

Mr Suggs and His 'Madness' Orchestra

Once again, the city of Plymouth lives up to its reputation as Britain’s foremost showcase of exciting new talent, with the announcement that a zany young beat combo cheekily calling themselves ‘Madness’(!) will be performing in its big shed in December.

“I believe the sprightly Mr Suggs and his young orchestra are trying to introduce their patrons to a form of singing known as ‘the ska’, which I gather is already gaining some popularity in far-flung corners of the empire. And I’m informed that they shall bring their own instruments, too,” said Ebenezer Bumble, manager of Plymouth’s enterprising ‘Pavilions’ shed. “Tea dances are all the rage, of course, but I believe the city’s music-lovers will indulgently lend an ear to a bit of experimental music now and then.”

Mr Bumble then chuckled to himself, as he suddenly remembered that he had in fact allowed Mr Suggs’ self-styled ‘naughty boys’ to swing their hips in his emporium only last year.

“Silly me!” he chortled. “Yes,I seem to recall that there was something of a last-minute kerfuffle when they asked if they could plug their guitars into the electricity. Well, I’m glad to say we have some now, as long as one of them is prepared to keep pedalling the dynamo.”

“I do hope they‘ve learned to play God Save The King this time,” he added. “There was a bit of an unfortunate to-do last time, you know, when a retired admiral threatened to horsewhip them for their damned impertinence.”