Wednesday, 30 December 2009

'3,000mph Trains? Sure, Why Not?' Shrugs Transport Secretary

Speaking from the top of his shiny head, Lord Adonis today announced an exciting futuristic vision in which everybody was whizzing round Britain at 3,000mph on special anti-gravity trains.

"In the future - either next week on in the year one billion - all trains will be ten miles long, carry a million passengers and draw their power from a star in a carbon-neutral pocket universe," declared the transport secretary brightly. "Here, hand me my crayons and I'll draw it for you."

As he scrawled, the visionary minister went on to explain that the rail network of the future could easily be financed by minting really big coins worth a hundred million thousand pounds each.

"As people travel longer and longer distances to work, they will think nothing of a daily commute from the Outer Hebrides," he gushed excitedly. "Because they will only just have settled into their hover-chair and downloaded the Daily Telepath directly into their second brains, and they'll be at the City of London Spaceport - where a teleport taxi will instantaneously whisk their molecules directly to their desk-podules."

"It's completely brilliant," he added. "Aren't I a clever boy? I need to go to the bathroom."

The Association of Train Operating Companies are said to be carefully studying Lord Adonis' mainly-orange plans on the walls of his play area, but have already issued a press statement declaring that they welcome any improvements to the infrastructure of the rail network, as long as they don't have to pay a penny towards them.

Brown Watching 'With Interest' As Canada Ends Democratic Experiment

Canada's Conservative prime minister, Stephen Hitler, has suspended parliamentary democracy in the vast North American country until March, by which time he will have stuffed its Senate with his loyal henchmen.

"We want to make sure not only that the economy stays on track, but also that we are preparing for future growth, prosperity and the return to balanced budgets," screamed Mr Hitler's spokesman. "And it goes without saying that none of this can ever come about within the constraints of a multi-party democratic framework."

Political observers were quick to note that planned ending of the prorogation of the nation's parliament will coincide neatly with the closing of the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

"Between now and March, every Canadian's mind is focused on one thing, and one thing only - namely, whether their plank-wearing skid merchants are better than everyone else's plank-wearing skid merchants," said one seasoned hack. "Mr Hitler could sit stark naked in a corner of their log cabin molesting their pet wolf, and they wouldn't care."

Mysteriously, Gordon Brown has so far refrained from issuing an outraged condemnation of the Canadian leader's undemocratic suspension of representative government.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Three Cheers For China's Enlightened Wog-Murdering Policy, Says Daily Mail

The entire British media was united today in condemning China's refusal to grant a stay of execution to Akmal Shaikh on the grounds of mental incapacity and translation problems during his trial. Apart, of course, from the Daily Mail, which gave a rousing three cheers to the Chinese authorities for ridding the world of one more evil drug-trafficking wog with bipolar personality disorder.

"You trendy metropolitan liberal junkies make me want to puke," wrote professional ranter Leo McKinstry, in an article which even the Mail's unpleasant editor Paul Dacre might have thought slightly at variance with public sentiment. "This pathetic excuse for a man was carrying four kilos of HEROIN - which, in case you hadn't noticed, stoners, is an illegal drug. Oh, but I forgot - everyone in Britain except moral, upstanding me is probably snorting the vile poison up their hideously-perforated nostrils at this very moment. I hope you all die! Er... where was I?"

Once he had calmed down enough to continue, Mr McKinstry went on to point out that, as if his horrible wog name wasn't a big enough clue, anybody could tell from the colour of Shaikh's skin that he was clearly about as British as a camel's hump, no matter what rubbish might be written in his toytown European passport.

"If the Chinese government - who, slitty-eyed commies though they may be, are apparently not nearly as blind as our druggie-loving government - were to foolishly allow themselves to be swayed by a global wave of misguided, muddle-headed protests, this sinister Paki monster would have been free to join al Qaeda tomorrow and blow up the world by Friday," he continued, warming to his theme. "As for mental illness, don't make me laugh. It's just another hand-wringing liberal excuse for sheer, unmitigated malice on the part of the so-called sufferer. Bipolar disorder? There's no such thing. Are you listening to me, Stephen Fry, you pseudo-intellectual Jew-boy shirtlifter?"

Mr McKinstry finished his zeitgeist-free essay by calling on cannabis-addled ministers to take a leaf out of China's book.

"There is nothing barbaric about the death penalty," he concluded. "The real barbarism lies in refusing to punish criminals."

In response, a spokesman for the government told the Nev Filter: "State-sanctioned murder is deeply repugnant to all civilised people, especially when applied to the incurably deranged. Therefore we suppress our baser instincts and tolerate Mr McKinstry and his toxic poison - abhorrent though it may be to our sensibilities - even if it means that feeble-minded addicts are free to purchase the Daily Mail without prescription on the streets of Britain."

Mandelson Urges Parents Not To Let Boomerangs Come Back

Parents whose children return home after graduating should show 'tough love' and slam the door in their faces, according to none-of-my-business secretary Peter Mandelson.

"Admit it, mums and dads - after eighteen years of enforced celibacy, you've spent the last three years fucking like rabbits all over again, haven't you?" Lord Mandelson tells parents in the 'Parent Motivators' guide, published today by the Department For Business, Innovation and Skills. "Do you really want to go back to how it was before, with the little shits reclaiming their bedrooms for another decade or two? Of course you don't. Tell them there's plenty of jobs at Tesco, and show them the door."

After three or four years of learning how to drink at university, the so-called 'boomerang' children are swarming back to their parental nests, where bed, board and laundry services are freely provided - allowing them to spend their entire JSA on console games and taking part in all-night drug-fuelled orgies at the local Oceana.

"Increase their motivation by bricking up their bedrooms, toys and all, and moving them into the garden shed," advised parenting expert Mandelson. "Then you can carry on romping around the house, indulging your middle-aged role-playing sex fantasies to your heart's content."

Scratching his head, shadow skills secretary David Willetts, asked: "Excuse me, but what in the name of crikey has this got to do with sorting out the economy?"

Monday, 28 December 2009

Truancy Highest On Scum-Infested Sink Estates: Shock Report

Shadow Children's Secretary Michael Gove today called for the entire government to resign in shame, after the shocking publication of official figures showing that school absenteeism was at its highest in areas teeming with scumkind.

"This is entirely the fault of the Labour Party," accused Mr Gove. "Scum children have been terribly neglected by Ed Balls and his failed policies. For example, in some Northern shithole called Manchester - which I must admit I'd never heard of before - on any given day there are more teachers in its schools than there are children. Whatever must their parents think?"

Schools secretary Vernon Coaker, however, refuted the Tory interpretation of the data. He pointed out that the government had prioritised turning schools in deprived areas into frothy palaces of entertainment, rather than stuffy seats of learning.

"Any scumchild who mitches off school nowadays is really missing out on all the fun, daddio," he retorted. "We've got really wicked PCs with all the latest interactive edutainment tools, like Mr Paperclip. He's well wacky, bloods! He really creases me up with his wicked productivity tips."

Mr Gove promised that, under a Conservative Government, the children of families earning less than £50,000 a year would be rounded up in lorries and driven to a new generation of boarding schools surrounded by high walls, from which they would not be let out until they attained a sufficient degree of literacy to fill in a JSA claim form unaided.

The Nev Filter office temp who is covering the Christmas holiday break went out into the surrounding deprived area to canvas the opinions of the local scum. He is now three hours overdue, and it's coming out of his pay.

Faceless, Policy-Free Party Denies Similarities To Faceless, Policy-Free Party

The Liberal Democrats have been quick to pour scorn on David Cameron's claim that there are now fewer policy differences between them and the Conservatives.

"Don't make me laugh," said Lib Dem chief of staff Membership No. 30624474. "The Tories have a smiling, insincere vacuum of a man at the helm, and the voters haven't the faintest idea of their beliefs and core values, or indeed whether they even have any."

"Er... can I get back to you later?" he added.

Sunday, 27 December 2009

Obama Acts On Deadly Underpants Man Threat To National Security

US President Barack Obama has ordered an urgent review of airline security after a wealthy Nigerian deliberately set fire to his underpants on a transatlantic flight, subjecting fellow-passengers to the harrowing smell of singed pubes.

23-year-old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was carried off the plane on a stretcher, screaming and clutching his smouldering knackers, after the bomb he had sewn into his trolleys failed to explode to his satisfaction. Embarrassed US homeland security officials must now explain why they allowed the former engineering student to obtain a visa after his father, a rich Nigerian banker, had warned them that his son was a dangerous fundamentalist loony.

"We're currently sifting through the contents of our spam folders, which might take a while," said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "At this stage of the investigation, we're focused on the possibility that the words 'wealthy', 'Nigerian' and 'banker' were identified by spam filters as just another invitation to divulge our bank account details to fraudsters."

If the US government turns its spam filter off, say IT experts, tens of thousands of extra staff will have to be employed to read all incoming emails - possibly creating a backlog that will cripple entire departments.

Meanwhile, long-suffering passengers at major airports all over the world face the additional inconvenience of having their underwear forcibly removed and shot by trained security staff.

General Election Must Not Descend Into Hideous Class War - Crikey No, Warns Privately-Educated Tessa Jowell

Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell today told the Sunday Telegraph that Labour's election campaign must not be fought by attacking candidates' social backgrounds, in an implicit criticism of the prime minister's recent scathing comments about David Cameron's privileged Eton background.

"You know, there really is nothing much to be gained from close scrutiny of the social class of Britain's parliamentarians," insisted the old girl of the exclusive St Margaret's School for Girls, Aberdeen. "Frankly, I think it's just jealousy. This sort of thing really only matters in the impoverished imaginations of silly little proletarian oiks with massive chips on their shoulders who have nothing to offer the British public."

"No offence, Gordon," she added. "It's not your fault you didn't have the advantage of a good, rounded education."

Justice Secretary Jack Straw, an alumnus of fee-paying Brentwood School, has already played down the idea that the privately-educated may somehow have little in common with the majority of British voters.

"Believe me, I know better than anybody what it's like to struggle to keep up in the rat-race," he insisted. "In a competitive streaming system, getting a 'Must try harder' for Latin was a clear shot across the bows which left me in no doubt that I could all too easily wind up as one of life's losers in class IIIC, at the very bottom of the heap."

58 other Labour MPs whose comfortable-perhaps-but-hardly-rich parents kindly saved the taxpayer a few bob by sending them to public schools were quick to echo Ms Jowell's egalitarian sentiments, in a joint statement sent to the Nev Filter (Old Plymothian & Mannameadian '74-'81).