God is once again basking in headline glory, after single-handedly saving all 155 passengers and crew aboard the US Airways Airbus that came down in the Hudson River yesterday.
"It's nothing less than a miracle," said damp-but-intact passenger José Credialos. "If our merciful Lord and Saviour hadn't taught emergency procedures to the pilot, designed flotation chambers into the wings, and given us the gift of boats, I'd surely be in bloody chunks at the bottom of the river right now. Yes sir, I sure would like to shake Almighty God by the hand."
Reporters were swift to praise the pilot, Chesley B Sullenberger III, for having the humility to sit back and allow our Blessed Redeemer to fly the stricken A320 airliner safely down to a perfect ditching.
"I had nothing whatever to do with this," New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg told a press conference. "But I'd like to thank God for this heaven-sent opportunity to bask in the media spotlight as if I did."
God-fearing air accident investigators say their investigation will focus on the possibility that the airliner's engines suffered catastrophic failure after ingesting a flock of geese shortly after take-off.
"It's too early to say anything for definite at this stage," said chief investigator Pastor Faith Gottlieb. "But it's quite likely that our list of recommendations to the civil aviation authorities will highlight the need for kneelers behind every seat, the singing of hymns during take-off, cruise and landing and the presence of an ordained minister of the Lord on every flight deck."
Meanwhile, outgoing President George W Bush told the nation that he had awarded the Lord a nice shiny medal for His miraculous intervention, and promised that America would leave no stone unturned in its search for the twisted minds behind the cowardly suicide-goose attack.
"Even as I speak, experts from the Office of Homeland Security are combing world maps for Goosistan," he warned. "One last big invasion before I go sure would send me off in style."