MoD Guilty Of Nuclear Safety Breaches In Plymouth Too, If Anybody At The Guardian Gives A Shit

An article not published in today's Guardian has not caused widespread concern about repeated radioactive leaks at Devonport Dockyard, a nuclear submarine base which is not in a sparsely-populated part of Scotland but right on the doorstep of a quarter of a million people.

Environmental protection bodies with responsibility for Plymouth have not said that the facility has such a bad record that they would close it if they had the legal power to do so, and the local MP, Alison Seabeck, has not asked questions about nuclear safety in the wake of the shocking non-revelations.

Not responding to the undisturbing non-story, the Ministry of Defence did not say that it takes its safety duties very seriously.

"As far as Plymouth is concerned, the MoD is not a responsible nuclear operator and immediately kept the regulatory authorities in the dark for three days," said no spokesman. "We did not commission an independent study into the facilities and practice at HM Naval Base Devonport, and an improvement plan is currently non-existent to ensure modern standards and best practice at the base."

Unmutated Child Found In Plymouth

In the culmination of months of quality journalism, Plymouth's local parish magazine has finally announced the winner of its Non-Mutant Baby of the Year Competition.

The winning baby, Sammy-Leeanne, was praised by judges for having two eyes, one nose, one mouth and a pair of ears, and all in the right place.

"Of course, the photographs only show the baby's face," said the Herald's editor, "For all we know, little Sammy-Leeanne could have fins and a prehensile tail. Still, at least she has a humanoid head, which is an improvement on most of the population round here."

The rare, human-faced baby and its low-radiation mother are to receive tickets out of Plymouth.

280-Litre Tritium Leak Nothing to Worry About, Says 50ft Flying Lobster

The spilling of 280 litres of irradiated reactor coolant into the river Tamar is completely harmless, said a gigantic winged lobster today as it plucked unconcerned Plymothians from the streets and crushed them in its fearsome mandibles.

The lobster-creature, which emerged from the murky waters of Plymouth Sound late this afternoon, is thought to have mutated over a period of many years, thanks to a catalogue of radioactive leaks from Devonport Dockyard’s nuclear submarine complex since it was privatised.

The latest hazard was caused by a hose bursting as irradiated cooling water - likely to be contaminated with tritium - was being pumped from HMS Trafalgar. The accident occurred in spite of improved safety measures supposedly put in place after previous incidents.

A spokesman for the Royal Navy, Lt. Cmdr. Strangelove, speaking from a lead-lined concrete bunker half a mile beneath the city, was quick to reassure concerned citizens, if there were any.

“Initial sampling has not detected any radioactive contamination in the local environment,” he smiled through his NBC suit’s thick visor. “Of course, tritium - which enters the food chain in contaminated water, is carcinogenic and mutagenic, and is especially hazardous to growing cells - is difficult to detect without sophisticated equipment, so our Cold War-era radiation badges may not really be up to the job. Fortunately, though, tritium is odourless and tasteless, and it’s well known that what you can’t see can’t hurt you.”

The 250,000 easily-reassured inhabitants of Plymouth immediately relaxed, and returned to their normal occupations of unprotected sex, vandalism, abusing strangers, racing uninsured old Astras and chanting ‘Arguy-oe’.

The gigantic flying lobster paused from its rampage to say: “I’m not too worried about ingesting contaminated Janners. I’ve been eating their sewage for years, and it’s done me no harm whatsoever. In fact, I’ve positively thrived on it.”