Modern mothers are turning their backs on traditional lullabies, according to a poll by the Baby Website, preferring instead to frighten their babies to sleep with tuneless renditions of unspeakable chart pap.
Spokesman Kathryn Crawford said the results suggested that “most mums put the radio on when at home with the baby and the banal, tedious lyrics make it impossible to sing anything else at bedtime.”
She also stressed that the results were limited to those mothers who had enough basic intelligence to browse the internet. “Christ knows what some of the fuckwits out there are singing to their unwanted brats,” she added. “Perhaps they’re delivering some twisted rap about offing cops, dealing drugs and beating up hoes. God help us all.”
A senior paediaphile said that babies needed rhythmic, ambient sounds that reminded them of being in the womb, and recommended Simian Mobile Disco’s ‘Sleep Deprivation’. “Not only will its repetitive analogue bleeps and squeals calm the baby to sleep, but the fact that it is entirely instrumental means that no child need be disturbed by its tone-deaf mother’s tortuous caterwauling.”
“Rammstein are good, too,” he added. “German is such a soothing language. Try ‘Herzeleid’ on your child tonight.”
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