MoD Unveils Reassuringly Expensive McLaren-Designed Alternative To Buying Back 55-Year-Old Humber Pig

Proud defence chiefs smiled indulgently today as they proudly revealed the brand-new £500,000 Sex Potto, the long-awaited replacement for the much-criticised Snatch Land Rover.

For a measly three grand you deffo won't get an iPod dock

“The McLaren-engineered Sex Potto fought off stiff competition from the Jaguar Fanny Magnet, the Massey-Ferguson Quim Tractor and Ferrari’s Sucky-Fucky Gibbon,” beamed Captain James May of the Royal Off-Road Corps. “You see, old boy, the clever trick was to make the underbody V-shaped - blast goes sideways, not straight up your arse. Dashed clever, these boy-racer johnnies, what?”

“Of course, every crank came out of the woodwork as usual when we were scouting for new toys,” he snorted derisively. “We even got a letter from a batty old retired sergeant-major, suggesting that if the old Humber Pig’s armoured floor was IRA pipebomb-proof, it just might be towel-head improvised explosive device-proof too. Pshaw!”

“I ask you,” he slurred, spilling a triple G&T down his combat fatigues, “Would the great British Sun-reading public be satisfied to see their beloved soldier boys rattling around in a cranky old grid we flogged to Idi Amin donkey’s years ago, that we bagged on eBay for three grand including postage and packing? I rather think not! Only the best, what?”

“We did think about taking out a licence to put the trusty old Sd.Kfz.222 back into production, actually,” he added. “But then Buffy fforbes-Hamilton pointed out that pootling round the Middle East in Nazi armoured cars might not quite match the media profile we’re striving to promote.”

This Sex Potto is halfway to becoming a god knows what

Captain May also stressed that the Sex Potto was especially easy to take apart and put back together again in a variety of imaginative configurations, vitally giving bored British troops something to do whilst twiddling their thumbs, stuck inside a dismal compound in the dusty Afghan hinterland. Royal Engineers have already drawn instructions for a speedboat, a tipper truck and an Andrew Lloyd Webber bionicle.

Finally, to round off the launch party, Formula 1 maestro Lewis Hamilton took the wheel to demonstrate the Sex Potto’s agile handling to the press - who luckily scuttled out of the way in time when it fell over reversing out of the garage.

Lotus Unveils Wanker-Slaughtering Machine

Follow in the footsteps of motorsport legends - top yourself in a Lotus

Insufferable corporate wankers with money coming out of their ears will soon be able to cull themselves by pretending to be Lewis Hamilton, with the aid of Lotus’ new £650,000 toy car, it was revealed today.

The Lotus T125, which comes with a 651bhp Cosworth V8 engine and the customary Lotus disregard for safety features, looks enough like a Formula One car to trick horrible City pricks into thinking that they will be able to hammer round a racetrack at 200mph just like one of the best two dozen drivers in the world - notwithstanding their utter lack of training or experience, other than sitting in a Bugatti Veyron in traffic on the M25 and cursing the government for allowing poor people to drive around in ghastly mass-produced boxes.

The T125 cannot be driven legally on public highways, as any fool can see that is bloody lethal. However, Lotus has kindly set up a unique ‘Lotus Exit club’, whose members will be able to weld tow bars to their Bugattis and haul their shiny new deathtraps to circuits throughout Europe - where they will be able to skewer and dismember their frail bodies at tremendous speed by losing all control of the flimsy vehicle on the first corner, if they somehow manage to dodge the massive fatal pile-up at the start of the race.

Formula One cars normally cost millions of pounds, principally because they are built using state-of-the-art lightweight materials which can withstand the tremendous forces generated when a projectile on wheels suddenly comes into contact with an immovable solid object. Lotus, however, have a long pedigree of killing their drivers by building their cars out of sharp fibreglass, papier maché and cocktail sticks instead.

Costs have also been kept down by eschewing the use of elaborate computer-controlled braking and engine management systems to help the driver to maintain control of the car under high-G conditions, whereas Lotus engineers sensibly pointed out that all that gubbins would be a bit of a waste on a car which is obviously going to be permanently reduced to a wide scattering of components within 30 seconds of some insufferable futures-trading prick starting the engine.

Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson briefly soiled his denims in delight, before nominating Richard Hammond to be the first man ever to disassemble himself at high speed in front of a camera.

World's Best Driver In World's Best Car Will Inject Much-Needed Element of Unpredicability Into F1, Say Incurable Optimists

Formula One legend Michael Schumacher has sensationally signed to the new Mercedes team - formerly champion constructors Braun F1 - three years after retiring because there were no more records left to break, in a move which desperate motor-racing publicists are frantically trying to portray as exciting in some way or other.

"Look, Michael Schumacher is really very, very old and decrepit," said a spokesman for Mercedes. "It's touch-and-go whether he'll be able to remember where the starter is, it's been so long since he drove a cutting-edge F1 car."

"Well, not in a proper Formula One race, as such, anyway," he admitted when it was pointed out that Schumacher has spent the intervening years as a consultant and test driver for Ferrari.

Many of the championship's current drivers are young enough to be Schumacher's children, leading the more delusional pundits to claim that the venerable old man of high-speed racing will probably crawl along at a resolute 30mph and not a mite faster, stop at every corner to examine a dog-eared AA map and eventually exit the pits from the entry lane and drive the wrong way around the track until the chase car pulls him over.

But it is the completely unpredictable pairing of Formula One's most successful driver with a world-beating chassis/engine combination which expert PR liars say will add tension and excitement to the flagging championship series.

"It would be a brave man indeed who rushed off down to the bookies and slapped a couple of grand on Schumacher running away with the 2010 title," said motorsport fan and owner Bernie Ecclestone. "Believe me, I've just tried and the odds are bloody atrocious. Even I'd soon bankrupt myself at 500-1 on."

Snickering Floppy-Eared Hound Buttley Hailed Winner of Wacky Races

Britain was one huge street party yesterday evening, as the nation united in joy to celebrate Jenson Buttley's historic achievement in attaining the coveted Wacky Races Passenger Championship.

Ecstatic crowds poured onto the streets after Buttley's Mean Machine GP001 trundled into fifth place at Brazil's Interlagos track, clinching his status as the fastest car passenger of 2009 and earning him a medal.

"This is the culmination of ten hard years of sitting in a Formula One car," snickered the floppy-eared hound after the race, as he clutched his long-awaited medal to his chest and floated in ecstatic glee. "I'd like to thank Ross Klunk for snapping up the old Hondastardly team for a fiver, and giving me my old job back because he was too tight to pay for a new seat to be made for somebody else."

Buttley's long road to success has been a difficult one, with long drought years in which the plucky British passenger struggled unsuccessfully to fight a natural urge to drive the car himself, despite fervent radio messages from his masters to "Please just sit there, Buttley - do nothing!"

F1 insiders say the key to Buttley's triumph was former Ferrari technical supremo Klunk's inspired decision to wire the steering wheel up to a Taser battery, putting 50,000 volts through the passenger if he touched any of the re-engined Hondastardly's controls while sitting in the cockpit.

Critics, however, say that while electrocuting the passenger may not technically breach the ever-shifting rules of the sport, it is typical of Klunk's style to win races off the track by relying mainly on legal experts instead of engineers to design his cars.

Industrial spies say that Klunk GP's first indigenous design for next season is still cloaked in secrecy. However, several Goldfinger DVDs arrived at the factory by courier last week, prompting rival teams to examine the rule book to see if it specifically outlaws tyre-slashing hubcaps, oil-slick nozzles and smokescreen generators.

Absence, Honda - Sorry, Can’t Think Of A Headline For This One

The world of Formula One was left reeling today by Honda’s announcement that it would be withdrawing from the competition and putting its team up for sale.

“Credit crunch definitely to blame, not three years of crappy results,” explained Honda’s unfortunately-named president, Takeo Fukui. “You want Jenson Button? He real cheap. He boring drip, but possibly make good tea. How about Barrichello? He nice guy, he do washing up. He washed up at Honda for years.”

FIA President Max Mosley said there was a “serious danger” that other teams might follow Honda, although traditionally that was a position only taken by Force India and Super Aguri.

“Unless we can get costs down, the Formula One community is going to feel a lot of pain in 2009,” he said. “Personally, I can’t wait.”

Power-crazed midget Bernie Ecclestone was sanguine about the news, however, pointing out that there were plenty of motor manufacturers in the developing world, eager to raise worldwide awareness of their products.

“I’m sure the grid would be shaken up by exciting new cars like the Hindustan Ambassador and the Mahindra Jeep,” he said. “And the introduction of a little electric runabout like the G-Wiz would certainly break the deadlock over engine restrictions.”

Formula One Heading For Messy Divorce

Speculation continues to surround Formula One’s dictator-for-life Bernie Ecclestone, after he claimed to be surprised by his wife’s announcement that she was seeking a divorce. Ecclestone and his wife Slavica have reportedly been working from separate offices at the beginning of November.

Divorce experts - or, as they are sometimes known, solicitors - are predicting that a divorce settlement could break records, although only if the laws governing divorce are repeatedly altered throughout the course of the proceedings in order to penalise anyone who looks like they might be winning.

Mrs Ecclestone, a former frost giant from Croatia, is expected to file for divorce on the grounds of her gnome-sized husband’s unreasonable behaviour. McLaren, Williams and a host of other teams not beginning with F are said to be queuing up to support her claim.

It is widely expected that she will walk away from her 23-year marriage with Britain, France, Germany, Belgium, Australia, Brazil and Monaco, leaving her husband with nothing but Singapore, Bahrain, China and Malaysia.

Motorsport’s legendary Murray Walker, however, predicts that years of happy fairytale romance lie ahead for the Ecclestones.

Mosley vs Jews of the World

The women with whom Formula One boss Max Mosley was filmed in a sado-masochistic orgy have denied in court that their activities had any Nazi connotations.

“Max is just an extremely charming, mild-mannered and interesting man who expresses his romantic and sensitive nature in the universal language of love,” said Woman A, “i.e. German.”

Woman B admitted that she wore a Luftwaffe jacket during the sex romp, but denied any Nazi overtones. “It is well-known all over the world that the Luftwaffe were all ardent anti-fascists whose grudging participation in Nazi atrocities has been conclusively shown to have stemmed from a misguided desire to speed up urban redevelopment schemes in other people’s countries," said the German woman. “My grandparents were certainly not Nazis, and the bloodline is a reliable indicator in these cases.”

She had not, at the time, thought anything of Woman A’s comment that “We are the Aryan race, blondes”, she added.

Woman C, who played the role of a prisoner in the fantasy romp, said that Mr Mosley and Woman B only spoke German “to add to the surprise factor and excitement” of the scenario.

Mr Mosley himself suggested that lice-checking and head-shaving were simply normal, everyday activities, and was shocked to think that anyone could possibly see a link with concentration camps. “All right, so my dear old dad was a bit of a Nazi,” he admitted, “But the bloodline is not a reliable indicator in these cases.”

“Before the News of the World published its vile, groundless lies,” he continued, “I was only known as a domineering bully in the F1 community. Now, however, I have been brought low by these criminal subversives working for the Jews – sorry, News - of the World. They must be crushed without mercy so that, in a thousand years, the name of Mosley should be synonymous with strutting about in uniforms and torturing people - but only in a nice way.”

Mosley: "How Dare They Link My Name With Fascism"

Motorsport chief Max Mosley is to sue the News of the World over its claims that he indulged in a Nazi-themed orgy with prostitutes, after the newspaper won the legal right to post video footage of the alleged encounter on its website.

The 67-year-old president of the FIA is claiming defamation and breach of privacy against the paper, admitting that he visited the prostitutes but denying the Nazi connotations.

“I freely admit to being a depraved, disgusting old pervert,” said a naked and proud Mosley. “But how dare they link my name with Nazism? It’s a disgrace that people should be reminded that I am in fact the son of Sir Oswald Mosley - the UK’s leading proponent of fascism, apologist for Hitler and Mussolini and would-be dictator of Britain.”

And They're Off - To A Standing Start

Motor Racing news: Lewis Perfect has been celebrating in style after winning the first of the 2008 Wacky Races season in Melbourne.

The race was full of excitement – no, really – with strong performances from the Red Bull Mob and Penelope Button, while the greatly-improved converticar from Professor Frank Pending showed potential.

Fernando Dastardly got up to his usual dirty tricks, attaching an anvil to the rear of Lewis Perfect’s Turbo Terrific - but he was subsequently disqualified by the stewards for carrying a non-regulation floppy-eared, snickering hound.