Friday, 30 December 2011

Detectives Rule Out Love As Motive For Shooting Man In Head At Point Blank Range

Anuj Bidve, the Indian student gunned down in Salford on Boxing Day, was definitely not murdered for love, according to the Greater Manchester Police after three days of inspired detective work.

“Evenin’ all. I gather some folks round here are suggesting that the shooting of this gentleman might possibly be some sort of hate crime,” explained Detective Chief Inspector Savage, who is leaving no stone unturned in his dogged quest to uncover the truth, or at least something which might bear a passing resemblance to it in court. “Although, I have to say, the five chaps we’ve arrested all seem like perfectly decent young lads to me.”

Greater Manchester Police detectives gathering evidence
In another twist, it has lately been brought to the attention of the police by concerned members of the local community that Mr Bidve was other than white.

“I honestly hadn’t noticed because naturally, like all police officers, I wouldn’t dream of jumping to any conclusions based on someone’s colour,” explained DCI Savage with a grin. “But this new information suggests an obvious explanation - the chap who fired the gun simply didn’t see him standing in the way, what with him being so dusky and everything. However, I suppose it could conceivably be that race might be some sort of factor in this crime. I mean he was asking for trouble really, wasn’t he, walking down a respectable British street with skin like that.”

“I think it’s called ‘contributory negligence’ nowadays,” he ventured. “Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t end up charging this openly foreign ne’er-do-well with his own murder.”

Rest Of Britain Supposed To Thank Thatcher For Not Shooting Everyone In Liverpool

Thatcher could have prevented this. But she didn't
Following the release of cabinet papers under the 30-year rule, that part of Britain which is not Scouse is wondering today if it is really expected to thank Mrs Thatcher for not sending tooled-up police and the army into Liverpool at the height of the 1981 riots with orders to execute the entire population, starting with its iconic comedy tax fiddler, Ken Dodd.

Meanwhile, the people of Liverpool itself are wondering what it was that happened to their beloved city during the subsequent nine years, given that Mrs Thatcher apparently rejected the advice of then-chancellor Sir Geoffrey Howe and other cabinet ministers to abandon the city to a “managed decline”.

“Ey! Ey! P’raps she juss didden laik th’ ‘managed’ paaht. Ey!” squeaked some objectionable professional Scouser, possibly John Bishop.

Thursday, 29 December 2011

Where’s Wallies?

The only wally anyone's seen for a week is fourth from the right
Yes, it’s the picture-book craze that’s sweeping Britain! Will you be the first player to spot the hidden wallies - including David Cameron, George Osborne, William Hague, Theresa May and all the other Conservative cabinet members, who have been completely absent from public view since Christmas Eve?

Features dozens of elaborately- drawn crowd scenes, including:

- Klosters, the posh people’s skiing resort!
- Ladyboy lapdancing club in downtown Bangkok!
- Royal family’s festive bird-slaughtering jamboree at Sandringham!
- Weeping and wailing at Kim Jong-il's funeral!
- Falkland Islands penguin colony!

Stay At Home, NHS Trusts Tell Non-Private Patients

There is no clinical need for many poor people to ever set foot inside an NHS hospital again, according to NHS Confederation chief Mike Farrar, now that the government has allowed 49% of hospital beds to be allocated to paying customers who want a new pair of tits.

Think of the convenience
“Hospitals play a vital role but we do rely on them for some services which could be provided elsewhere, i.e. all the unprofitable stuff,” explained Mr Farrar. “For example, most people own a perfectly good bed which, if it was put up on blocks, could easily double as a damned comfortable operating table.”

The organisation, which represents the nation’s NHS service providers and commissioners, says that its members' staff are perfectly capable of carrying out much of their work in patients’ homes, possibly for up to ten minutes a day.

“Especially converting your TV, radio, computer and phone to pay-to-use,” smiled Mr Farrar. “After we’ve put you under for your in-house triple bypass op with Strictly Come Dancing or The Apprentice, the use of your consumer electronics will cost you a very reasonable fiver a day until you’re up and about again.”

“Unless, of course, you’re happy to starve to death whilst trying to order up a pizza by semaphore from your bedroom window,” he added.

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Human Resources Managers Still No Closer To Understanding That Resource They Manage

A typical HR manager
HR managers have given a seasonal demonstration of the legendary empathy and motivational skills which got them where they are today, by telling you that 2012 will be the worst year of your entire life.

The Chartered Institute Of Personnel And Development today forecast that you are definitely getting dumped on the scrapheap next year if you work in the public sector, and even if you don’t you will be hammered with intolerable performance targets as private-sector bosses blithely expect you to add the duties of everyone who retires to your unmanageable workload.

“Happy new year, scum,” said the CIPD’s John Philboots, as he booked himself onto another people-hating skills development beano in Antigua.

47% Of UK Hoping To Emigrate To Deep-Sea Vents

If you're not working with him, you'll be working for him
Almost half of the population of the United Kingdom is thinking about leaving the country for good and relocating to a smoking volcanic ridge at the bottom of the one of the deepest oceans, after researchers released dramatic new footage proving beyond all doubt that these challenging environments are the only places left on earth where life is positively thriving.

“Britain’s screwed. Europe’s screwed. America’s screwed. All of Western civilisation is screwed. Japan’s screwed, and now it looks like the wheels are even coming off China,” observed market analyst Rob Blind. “Let’s face it, if Brazil is now the sixth strongest economy in the world - and remember, quite a lot of Brazilians are running round the jungle bollock naked with blowpipes – things don’t exactly augur well for the rest of us.”

Meanwhile, it seems that many Britons are of the opinion that if sea cucumbers, scaly-footed snails and yeti crabs are the only culture on the planet which is actually prospering, then perhaps it might be better to be with them than against them.

“Oh well, I always hoped that one day I’d be able to retire somewhere nice and warm all year round,” reflected Jim Gage, a recently-redundant buildings inspector as he packed his swimming trunks and a snorkel.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Nixon Was Black Vietcong Lesbian Jewish Draft Dodger, Claims Man With Book To Sell

An author who very much wants you to give him $25.99 insists that disgraced US president Richard Milhous Nixon may well have secretly been an actively black, Jewish, lesbian member of the Vietcong who for years ran the United States from across the Canadian border, it emerged today in newspapers in lieu of actual news.
Goddammit, Nixon

“The evidence is all there if you look for it,” explained Don Fulshit, “In a 6-point footnote on page 193 of my soon-to-be-bestseller, ‘Nixon’s Darkest Secrets’ (Thomas Dunne Books, $25.99), out next month.”

Fulshit also claims that, as a young US naval officer in World War II, the fanatical Shinto-worshipping Nixon personally guided kamikaze pilots onto the decks of every warship on which he served. After the war, he adds, a disillusioned but now radically-suntanned Nixon turned to communism and was recruited by the KGB, who ordered him to become the first black vice-president of the United States and help Senator ‘Red Joe’ McCarthy to plant communist sympathisers throughout Washington and Hollywood.

Goddammit, Nixon
It was during this period, says Fulshit, that the sexually-ambivalent Nixon was surgically transformed into a buxom woman and had a string of hushed-up lesbian affairs with Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Doris Day.

1960, however, was a turning point in Nixon’s career of treachery. Disgusted by her arch-enemy John F Kennedy’s election victory, Nixon fled to Vietnam - where her communist fervour soon saw her leading Viet Cong assaults first against the French, and later her own countrymen.
Goddammit, Nixon

Returning as president to the United States after rigging the 1968 election with hundreds of forged megavotes, Nixon’s first supreme act of wanton treachery was to shamefully transfer the White House to Thunder Bay, Ontario to avoid military service. From then on, she dedicated her time in office to sabotaging the US military campaign in Vietnam – ordering USAF B-52s to airdrop bicycles on the Ho Chi Minh trail, for example - before her career of ignominy was finally brought to a close after she was discovered in the boiler room of Winnipeg’s exclusive Watergate Hotel, circumcising babies in Yiddish with a potato peeler.

“I am often asked, ‘Didn’t Nixon have any redeeming features?’” reflected Fulshit. “Well, I’ll say one thing for the old rogue: according to my meticulous research, she was absolutely incapable of lying.”

Monday, 26 December 2011

Tube Drivers Helping Londoners Not To Spend Last Few Pounds

Don't do it
London Underground’s train drivers are desperately trying to persuade the capital’s population to keep that last pound or two of their overdraft facilities for a rainy day, by selflessly refusing to transport them to the sales.

“If you add up all the odd pounds that Londoners could be spending today, it adds up to millions,” explained ASLEF general secretary Mick Notwhelan. “These days, that’s a tidy sum. Our members reckon it would be prudent for London to hang onto it in case it's needed for something really important, such as paying them even more for the terrible chore of doing their jobs during the Olympics.”

Members of the public are not entirely convinced by the drivers’ cautionary plan, though.

“Want… bargain…” grunted optimistic consumers as they tried to push their Central Line tube train from Epping to Tottenham Court Road, driven by the unlikely conviction that iPads might be reduced to three for £1.99.

Prince Philip Still Not Dead

The Duke of Edinburgh's spiritual mentor
A grateful Britain is receiving half-hourly updates on the continuing earthly existence of Prince Philip, as he gains inspiration from Holiday On The Buses whilst recovering from routine keyhole surgery at the world’s leading heart hospital.

Meanwhile, at Sandringham, according to the Duke’s wishes the rest of the royal family are dutifully blasting every bird they clap their eyes on to kingdom come, hoping to convince God to spare the ailing patriarch by offering up the largest one-day avian sacrifice in history.

“Have you come far?” the Queen asked a rare pectoral sandpiper blown across the Atlantic by hurricane-force winds, as she rammed her gold-plated 12-bore into its beak and let fly with both barrels.