Smokers Now Officially Worse Than Paedos

Evil smokers have replaced paedophiles as the nation’s most hated monsters in human form, says the Department of Health, as it launches a hard-hitting advertising campaign urging all right-thinking people to bludgeon to death anyone they spot lurking within a mile of an ickle pretty child and looks as if they could be about to whip out a cigarette.

“I urge you with all the PR at my disposal to report any neighbours you might suspect of smoking to the police immediately,” bellowed Professor Terence Stephenson, president of the Royal College of Ickle Pretty Children. “These repugnant creatures dream of fucking a child’s ickle pretty lungs up. If you want my informed medical opinion, I’d burn the sick bastards’ genitals off with their own lighters.”

Let's find out where she lives, and burn it down

On the BBC Breakfast this morning, a spokesman for shady smokophile apologists FOREST - who dared to suggest that the generation who grew up breathing factory-chimney levels of deadly household toxins seemed to have become the longest-lived people in history - was thrashed senseless with a fire extinguisher by enraged presenter Susanna Reid, prompting a flood of complaints to BBC switchboards that she had let him live.

“When a doctor pointed out what everybody knows, i.e. those lung-molesters at FOREST are in cahoots with the murdering profiteers who run the tobacco industry, that twisted pervert had the bloody nerve to wonder if the pharmaceutical companies were making anything out of their holy patches of good nicotine,” screamed a typical caller. “Right now I can see the bloke over the road loitering outside his front door, furtively ramming his disgusting smoke down my unsuspecting kids’ throats while they’re out playing innocently in my ex’s back garden on the other side of town, the dirty fucker!”

“Where did I put my carving knife?” she added thoughtfully.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the government urged the public to forget about fuel and pasties and concentrate on the vitally important task of living in a permanent state of blind, terrified rage.

Gorgeous George Galloway Brings Down Establishment

George Galloway - the respected moral authority, dictator enthusiast, oil collector and pussy fancier - is to meet the queen later today, ask her if she fancies a quick one round the back of the throne and accept her invitation to form a government, following his sensational overthrow of the entire discredited Tory-Labour-Lib Dem axis of evil.

A creep not sucking up to a tyrant, in a meeting which never happened

Mr Galloway’s anti-imperialist idol, President Assad of Syria, was the first to send his congratulations on the Great Respecter’s routing of the Zionist forces of reaction, saying: “What a breath of fresh air. The free people of Syria believe that your reforming zeal and your vision of Britain as a genuinely independent European country is one that is widely appreciated across the Middle East. I am very impressed by your knowledge, by your sharpness, by your flexible mind, by your selective amnesia. I am very, very impressed. Britain is lucky to have you as her prime minister.”

Speaking through a ouija board from the innermost circle of Hell, where he is currently being skewered by red-hot pokers for the next thousand centuries, the blood-soaked soul of Saddam Hussein also offered warm congratulations to the Respect Party’s humanitarian founder: “Sir, I salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability and I want you to know that we are with you, until victory, until Jerusalem is a Jew-free zone yes no hello goodbye.”

Mr Galloway’s first respectful act as PM-for-life will be to thank his heroes for their kind words of wisdom, deny ever meeting them and call anyone who suggests otherwise a drink-soaked former Trotskyite popinjay. He will then stop all of the bad things in the world forever, starting with the iniquitous and unjust pasty tax.

Fears That iPhone May Become New Must-Have Chav Accessory Sends Apple Share Price Plummeting

Your iPhone is about to explode, and this time it's not the battery

As struggling Blackberry makers RIM belatedly wise up to their woefully-mismatched user base of corporate suits and ASBO collectors and pull out of the chav market, Apple shares tumbled in value as gloomy investors trembled at the prospect of their favourite toys falling into the hands of ghastly common people.

“The Blackberry brand has become disastrously tainted by its association with scum, i.e. louts and their lawyers,” sneered financial advisor Rob Blind, as he urged his clients to dump their Apple shares and restock their portfolios with Android-based gadget suppliers instead. “The Android platform is widely promoted by many firms in the technology sector, which will confuse the hell out of the stunted chav hive-mind. They’re bound to go for Apple, the other big name they keep hearing about.”

“I’m happy to pay well over the odds every time Apple launch their latest attempt to get it right, then demonstrate my social and aesthetic superiority by constantly bragging that it’s made my life exquisite,” confirmed colleague Nick Stuff. “That doesn’t work quite so well though, does it, if all my friends get the idea that I pass my evenings staggering about town centres in a Primark hoody, off my tits on cider and ketamine, spraying cocks on subway walls.”

“I should have known Apple were making a horrible mistake launching that tawdry little iPod Nano all those years ago,” he moaned. “Is there an app for transferring all my funds into LG?”

It’s OK to Offend People, Mumbles String-Haired Seppo Airhead

Singer, actor, vajazzle installation pioneer

Ribena - a blaring mouth on legs who genuinely believes her ‘Straw Man goes to Belsen’ look is not only morally acceptable, but also in some way desirable – today informed millions of mystified BBC viewers that it is perfectly OK to offend people, but only if you have a silly name and make a comfortable living by prancing about in front of young children in your knickers.

“For a minute there, I thought this incoherent stick person was blurting out some sort of impassioned defence of free speech,” said a spokesman for freedom-of-expression campaign group The Manifesto Club. “But no, apparently not. When expert sound engineers edited out all the grunting noises, the few words that remained claim that thrusting her fadge in your kids’ faces whilst wearing a pair of fishnets and nothing else is at the cutting edge of Art, and anyone who's worried that their pre-teen daughter might do likewise is Stalin on steroids.”

“Oh, and it seems Ribena would very much like an Oscar for dressing up in a $200m game of snakes and ladders, or some such rubbish,” he added. “On the plus side, I gather she’ll be keeping her Aunt Jemima covered up for a full hour and a quarter. So that’s a first.”

Wah, Say Motorists

Your local garage, now

Car addicts are tearing around today with their heads out of the window, screaming uncontrollably as they desperately track down all the remaining petrol in the country and pour it into every available container on the off-chance that a few tanker drivers might conceivably go on strike for a couple of days in a week or two.

“The kitchen sink, the bath, the bins and all the saucepans are brim-full, so I poured concrete down the toilet, just like Francis Maude told me, so now it’ll hold about 20 litres mmph glug,” blurted a haggard BMW lover on a garage forecourt in Hendon, as he sucked the last few drops out of a nozzle and stored them in his cheeks for future use.

Meanwhile, an embarrassed government hastily dispatched roads minister and former fireman Mike Penning to allay the fears of Britain’s panic-stricken motorists by grasping their shoulders, headbutting them in the face and telling them to “Get a fucking grip, shithead” – starting, live on national television, with his cabinet colleague, Francis ‘Firestarter’ Maude.

Big Boys Stole My Budget, Claims Naughty Little Schoolboy

Little George Osporge has told a sceptical Treasury Committee that last week’s budget was the most comprehensively leaked in living memory because big boys threatened to give him a Chinese burn unless he handed it over.

“Then the horrid bullies threw my budget into the papers and ran away laughing, miss,” insisted the crimson-faced chancellor of the exchequer, adding that he had been working so hard to get all the answers right that he completely missed Sport Relief Does Glee Club on CBBC. “I swear, miss, that’s what happened. No, I can’t remember any of their faces, miss.”

The chancellor's Treasury Committee performance

The chancellor went on to suggest that he should nevertheless be given full marks for his budget, as he was absolutely sure that he was 100% correct.

When committee members failed to reward his diligence, Osporge Minor went on to offer other perfectly plausible excuses, including “the dog leaked my budget”, “I left my budget on top of the telly, and horrible old Mr Murdoch grabbed it and pulled it through the screen” and “it’s my time of the month”.

The little liar was then given a jolly good thrashing.

Riot Panel Should Be Fined For Illogicality, Say Schools

Schools have suggested that the Riots, Communities and Victims Panel should be fined for failing to achieve minimum levels of logicality, after years of pent-up rage and anger suddenly exploded today into full-scale disturbances in teachers’ common rooms all over Britain.

A sickening and inexcusable display of violence

“If you can’t produce a reasoned conclusion from a basic premise, what hope is there for you?” yelled a furious deputy head in Croydon, as he filled his breast pocket with board markers from a threadbare stationary cupboard. “Their specious argument that teaching will somehow improve with less funding available just goes to show what little chance these children have of ever making a valuable contribution to society.”

“I blame low expectations,” shouted a masked deputy head in Tottenham. “These slackers know the public expect all of society’s woes to be our fault and nobody else’s. It’s sheer cynical opportunism.”

“That’s two Ps,” he shouted as he grabbed a TV and ran off to show Shakespeare In Love to Year 10. “Look it up.”

New Planning Guidelines All Things To Everyone, Beams Pickles

Mr Pickles says everyone's behind him, which is believable

Property developers, tree-huggers, NIMBYs, farmers, bankers, decent working families, Labour, young people, the disabled, the security forces, terrorists, penguins, seals, whales, plankton, generations as yet unborn and John Carter of Mars should unite in praising the government’s new one-page guide to planning, communities secretary Eric Pickles declared today.

“Replacing 1300 pages of really tedious crap that was only of interest to nerdy planners and other interfering busybodies with a simple tick-box ready reckoner is the only way to safeguard the beautiful vistas of England’s grey and pleasant land, both now and for future generations to come,” he insisted with a big shit-eating grin.

Those Planning Guidelines In Full

1. Will the developer trouser a tidy sum from this proposal?
Yes - APPROVED
Of course not, I’m only doing it for the good of my health – go to QUESTION 2
2. Are local (herein defined as <10m) residents likely to suffer significant loss of amenity, health or life?
No - APPROVED
Only poor people – go to QUESTION 3
3. Is the developer prepared to offer a token Section 106 bung to the council in used fivers, thereby keeping a library in another ward from closure for another day?
Yes – APPROVED
There aren’t any libraries left – go to QUESTION 4
4. Is the development in a Tory marginal ward?
Yes – REFUSED
No - APPROVED

Cameron Refuses To Confirm Or Deny That Satan Feasted On His Soul

No evidence whatsoever of dodgy dining

David Cameron today refused to disclose whether Satan, the unholy Prince of Darkness, dropped by for dinner at 10 Downing Street to gorge himself on the prime minister’s immortal soul in return for a £250,000 donation to Conservative Party funds.

“That would be a private matter between me and my Lord and Master,” insisted Mr Cameron, his shifty eyes burning like red-hot coals as gas-masked cleaners struggled to scrub the reek of sulphur from his private apartments.

The Labour Party, meanwhile, is consulting top contract lawyers – claiming that any shady deal with the Tories would place the Devil in clear breach of an existing contract signed in John Smith’s blood by Tony Blair in 1994.

Children Are Evil, Admits Charity

Want! It! NOW!

New research has conclusively proved that children are utterly and irredeemably evil, a leading children’s charity confirmed today.

“What parents have long suspected is true,” acknowledged a quaking Anne Longfield, chief executive of 4Children. “They have spawned an unstoppable legion of brutal monsters.”

“God help us,” she moaned in terror. “They’ll kill us all.”

Meanwhile, the rampaging child horde issued its latest ultimatum to Britain, threatening that one supermarket will be wrecked every day until they all get PS Vitas.

That Government Access Price List In Full

Dinner with prime minister David Cameron:
£250,000
Dinner of chancellor George Osborne:
£200,000
Deputy PM Nick Clegg’s breakfast bowl of Rice Krispies:
35p (milk not included)
Baroness Thatcher’s milk - ‘Fresh From The Cow!' - for above:
£20 (self service)
Playing ‘Operation’ with health secretary Andrew Lansley:
£10,000 (at your own risk; insurance is strongly recommended)
Transport secretary Justine Greening’s railway tunnel of love:
CANCELLED
Ride on Boris Johnson’s crazy bus:
£11.37m (free rides for the ladies!)
Disabled pass for Iain Duncan Smith’s benefit performance:
save up to £156.35 - reduced to £67.50!