The Truth? You Can't Handle The Truth

A wicked teacher, who left a group of Year 3 pupils shocked and upset after gratuitously telling them a fact, has been sacked by Oldham Council.

Parents were beside themselves with anger when their children stumbled home in tears after the evil, twisted supply teacher at Blackshaw Lane Primary School told them that Father Christmas wasn't real, and their presents were just bought for them in a shop by their parents.

"It is not for teachers to contradict any child's fondly-held beliefs with inconvenient facts," said a spokesman for the council, adding that the head of the school had been ordered to write out 'My staff must not tell the truth' 500 times.

"I'm bloody fuming, like," said one local parent. "Next thing, some bastard might be telling my precious little darling that the world doesn't actually revolve around him, or he might need to work a tiny bit harder if he doesn't want to look forward to a life of stacking shelves. That would just break his little heart. The next teacher I run into is going to get a right lamping, so help me God."

Other concerned parents agreed, saying that if this sort of thing wasn't stamped out, their little men and princesses might even get the impression that, far from mummy loving daddy and dearly wanting to start a family, the harsh truth was that they were no more than the unwanted result of a furtive, fumbling shag behind the pub after an ill-considered night of pissing it up on the Bacardi Breezers.

The Nev Filter asked some typical seven-year-olds what cherished beliefs they held to be true - but, unfortunately, all we gleaned from our research was that they were all a bunch of hopelessly self-deluded little gits.