Saturday, 23 June 2012

Perhaps Turkey Should Have Read NATO Treaty Before Signing, Suggests Assad: Rest Of NATO Nods Furiously

After blasting a one of their RF-4 Phantom jets from the skies, Syria has pre-empted any Turkish appeals for NATO intervention on the basis of mutual defence by suggesting that their neighbour takes a closer look at the Treaty of Washington.

The Russians swore they were tractor parts
“We looked it up on Wikipedia back in April, when Mr Erdoğan raised the matter after we’d told some of our people off for leaving Syria without permission by bombing the shit out of them,” commented President Assad. “He is, up to a point, correct in stating that an attack on one NATO member is an attack on all. However, if he reads Article 5 properly he might notice that this bit only applies in Europe and North America. Now, is Turkey actually in the EU? Not the last time I looked.”

“Tough luck, sucker,” he added.

Other members of NATO were remarkably quick to verify Mr Assad’s explanation of the treaty - reminding Turkey that modern combat aircraft are really, really expensive, and unfortunately Syria is bristling with brand new and extremely effective anti-aircraft systems which the Russians kindly donated.

“Yes, we know,” replied Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, as he reached for his reading glasses.

Friday, 22 June 2012

NatWest Death Toll Rises

Warning: contains scenes of heartbreaking inconvenience

Experts warn there is no cure in sight for the ongoing tragedy of NatWest customers dying needlessly in droves from the minor nuisance of having to use their credit card instead of their debit card.

Cash machines weren't built to handle this much customer dissatisfaction
The disaster began to unfold this morning, when a software glitch caused fatal bother and terminal vexation to 12 million innocent NatWest victims by freezing their current accounts.

By 10am, customer aid workers at NatWest branches were already overwhelmed by queues of pathetic refugees pouring out of clothes shops - many of them pitifully reduced to begging for compensation for the unbearable pain of being told “Your payment was not authorised. Please contact your card supplier” by a numeric keypad.

“My salary didn’t go through, which means that NatWest have effectively reduced me to slavery,” whined one haggard casualty, who had to drag her injured pride all the way up the high street from H&M. “My Visa card had already been thrashed black and blue. Without the essential new dress I need to go out in tonight, I know I will just die.”

“God in heaven help me, I don’t have any money to get pissed with either,” she moaned, before fainting through lack of ready funds.

“I was so moved by radio reports of the NatWest victims’ terrible plight, I ran ten miles to the nearest town in order to transfer a week’s wages (16,000 shillings, or £6.21) to Britain. I hope this will help to relieve their unimaginable suffering,” said Hassan, a subsistence farmer in Somaliland. Tragically, however, his potentially face-saving donation has also not gone through yet.

Rest Of World Eagerly Anticipating Mass Suicide By Outraged iPhone Fanatics

Significant reductions in global smugness will result if, as expected, legions of insufferable iPhone addicts top themselves in despair at Apple’s decision to change the design of the connector which plugs the damned thing into the hideously overpriced but tinny speakers they bought instead of plugging a deeply unfashionable cable into the headphone output.

For the same reason, the global surplus of intolerable pricks refuses to countenance spending $1.99 on the inelegantly simple adaptors which will appear on eBay within approximately three seconds of the iPhone 5’s launch.

Designer bollocks like this became worthless overnight
“My Bentley has the old 30-pin connector,” wailed furious technology guru Josh Geake. “Now I’m supposed to just throw it away and buy one with 19 pins instead, am I? This would never have happened when Steve Jobs was alive.”

Apple proudly unveiled the revolutionary new socket today, explaining that it was necessary to make their next-generation gadget thinner - and therefore even more breakable - than any other overpriced shiny toy on the market.

“Our magnificent new connection will be magnetic, because in the 21st century nobody should have to risk tearing a ligament because slitty-eyed Koreans make them pull a little plug out of a little socket," said Apple CEO TIm Cock.“And we’ve launched pre-emptive lawsuits against Samsung, LG and every other IT company on earth, to prevent them from stealing our patented ‘magnet’ invention,."

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Gove To Send Red-Covered Wall Map Of British Empire To Every School

Britain’s schools are to be reset to 1951, education secretary Michael Gove announced today in assembly.

Showing off the black gown and leather-elbowed tweed jacket uniform which all teachers will be required to wear, Mr Gove outlined the reintroduction of O-levels, sums, daily beatings, copying out entire chapters from textbooks and a big wallmap in every classroom showing the glorious extent of the British Empire in red.

Wrong. Guess again
In addition, no pupil will be allowed to leave school until they have displayed full mastery of copperplate script – written with a dip pen held, as God intended, in their right hand.

Builders have already appeared in every school playground this morning, cementing newly-redundant computers together to form walls in the middle of playgrounds which will keep boys and girls segregated. The computers are being replaced by manual typewriters, which are to be reserved for the sole use of the brightest girls in the sixth form, and pupils will be expected to spend their brief lunch breaks smoking furtively in the toilets.

Mr Gove also revealed plans to reintroduce bullying, which he described as a “character-building” preparation for the rest of their lives.

Cats Must Be Free To Make Britain Wildlife-Free By 2025, Say Self-Proclaimed Animal Lovers

Britain’s legions of insane cat addicts today demanded the immediate execution of Springwatch presenter Chris Peckham, who dared to suggest that their beloved pet overlords may in some way be connected to the ongoing extinction of the nation’s fauna.

One day I shall be big enough to kill you LOL
“How bloody dare he?” screeched willing ginger tom slave Emily Lovejoy, 40. “My beautiful Mr Kissy wub me with every fibre of his widdle kitty heart, yes don’t you cherub? If the sadistic glee of slaughtering a nestful of young blackbirds every night puts him in the right frame of mind for climbing all over my breakfast, waving his anus in my face or sitting on my fanny and rumbling – any of which fills me with delight – then, as an animal lover, I don’t have a problem with that. And any bastard who does must be cut into chunks, dried and put into a box of tasty treats.”

Mr Kissy, meanwhile, acknowledged his worshipper’s adulation by fixing her with his cold, soulless eyes and wishing he was big enough to snap her neck and chew her face off, which she unhesitatingly proclaimed as proof of his unconditional love.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Does The Daily Mail Really Sum Up Everything That’s Wrong With Modern Society?

Exhibit A
By Kim Kardashian

The Daily Mail is the poster girl for 'almost everything that is wrong with Western society', according to a leading celebrity.

The paper is part of a culture that glorifies women's physical appearances over their character, claims Dr Kim Kardashian, in a story the Mail will run under a picture of her in her underwear.

“It is not too strong a statement, I venture to suggest, to say that almost everything that is wrong with Western society today can be summed up in about 200 symbolic photos every day of celebrity tits, legs and arses plastered all over the Mail Online website,” Dr Kardashian will say. “The descent of Western civilisation can practically be read into every curve, of which, you will note, there are indeed many. Is this what we want our young people to aim for? Is this what success should mean to them?”

“What is the Mail telling our young people about life? As a society, we have clearly attached a value to it,” she will say. “There may be some lies about the unemployed, cancer or house prices buried in there somewhere – I expect Paul Dacre has to shout ‘Cunt!’ at Peter Hitchens, Jan Moir, Richard Littlejohn, Stephen Glover and Melanie Phillips every day to keep his arses in shape – but these are very hidden lies, buried under the other lies surrounded by glitz and sparkle.”

Jimmy Carr's Post-Ironic Humour Masterclass