Thursday, 21 April 2011

Conservationists ‘Not Particularly Horrified’ By Plans To Introduce Polecats Up Beardy Tycoon’s Private Trouser Habitat

Meet the new Sid Vicious, you cardigan-bothering creep
Leading naturalists have given an enthusiastic thumbs-up to plans by long-suffering victims of Virgin Trains to introduce angry polecats into the luxuriant trouser paradise owned by Sir Richard Bastard, it emerged today.

The polecat scheme follows hard on the heels of the grinning billionaire’s unwelcome announcement that he intends to transplant non-native lemurs to Moskito, the Caribbean island he bought in 2007 for £10m. Animal protection charities and environmentalists united in dismay, warning that the intelligent, aggressive omnivores would swiftly become the dominant species on the island, devastating its fragile ecosystem and threatening extinction for the rare dwarf gecko.

Bastard responded to the worldwide outcry by pointing smarmily to the wholehearted approval he had bought from the government of the British Virgin Islands.

“Like me, lemurs are endearingly fuzzy and everybody wants to hug them,” he oozed. “But geckos are just ugly, sucker-employing reptiles, unloved even by their own mothers - like Lord Sugar, in fact.”

Sir David Attenborough is just one of many leading conservationists to endorse West Coast mainline passengers’ plans to introduce up to 30 ferocious, starving polecats into the accounts-shuffling businessman’s private trouser hideaway.

“Reports indicate that the humid interior of Richard Bastard’s trousers hosts an abundance of large, succulent plums and other fleshy delights for these particularly vicious members of the weasel family to sink their needle-sharp teeth into,” he observed. “Sir Richard can hardly object, as he is clearly a close relative.”

That Fat Bastard On The Sick Who Lives Three Doors Down Is Undoubtedly A Junkie, Warns Government, And He’s Pissing Your Money Up Against The Wall

That's him, officer
The government told you today that the shut-in gutbucket on sickness benefits who lives a couple of doors down from you is laughing his fat arse off at you as he swills down gallons of prescription cider and pumps free heroin into his veins, all paid for out of your bloody taxes.

You turned a nasty shade of purple, according to eyewitnesses, and shouted, “I’ll fix his little game, the lazy fucking thief!” before grabbing the phone and grassing him up to the DWP, insisting under condition of strict anonymity that you saw him kicking a football about in the park last Sunday with his mates and he looked fit as a bloody fiddle to you.

The government later expressed gratitude for public-spirited paragons like you, adding that the only reason people were in wheelchairs was that their legs were so riddled with puncture marks that it would be like trying to walk on two leaking balloons.

Later, you hooted with glee as you photographed your neighbour being squeezed into in a police car, before enthusiastically uploading the images to Facebook to start a hate campaign against him.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Finding A Space In House Of Lords Car Park Now Damnably Hard

Lord Adonis can't bear to rub shoulders with people like himself
A cross-party group of senior peers of the realm has rebuked prime minister David Cameron, warning him to stop creating any new peers as they are finding it “damnably difficult” to get a parking space since he added 117 “grubby little parvenus in their ghastly polyester suits” to the upper house.

Curiously, all 13 peers who endorsed University College London’s report into recent pressures on the House happen to be grubby parvenus themselves, including such jumped-up photocopier-seller johnnies as Lord Mackay of Number 23, Railway Cuttings, Lord Woolf of This Site Available For Redevelopment, Baroness Showgirl, Baroness Sousaphone, wee Lord Steel’s Spitting Image puppet and Lord Narcissus of that ego.

The group, which consists mostly of former MPs, added that the rapid influx of so many new ex-MPs has had a negative effect on the convivial, non-partisan atmosphere in the House of Lords Bar and Peers’ Dining Room.

“We’re all right so far, but what is desperately needed is for some commoner called Jack to pull a ladder up after us,” cautioned Lord Narcissus, as he admired his ermine-draped reflection in a full-length mirror.

President Kennedy Sends Advisors Into Vietnam To Help With Paperwork

Part 1 of a new series of occasional visits to the vaults of the Nev Filter

President Kennedy today promised Congress that the insertion of a small team of US Army logistical advisors - whose sole task will be to help South Vietnamese quartermasters to reduce an ever-growing mountain of unfiled paperwork - will undoubtedly bring about a swift end to the conflict in SE Asia and hasten the speedy fall of Communism.

“Have you any idea how many requisition forms must be filled out before a Vietnamese soldier can replace his water bottle?” he warned. “All in triplicate, and there’s a chronic shortage of carbon paper.”

President Kennedy reassured concerned Congressmen that the handful of US Army officers who would go in on the ground would absolutely avoid taking an active role in anything remotely resembling a conflict situation.

“Today I make this solemn pledge to the American people,” he vowed. “The moment some Saigon storesman raises his voice to disagree with one of our peace-loving trained killers, we will send in a Huey under heavily-armed escort to airlift him out of that hostile environment, napalming everything in a two-mile radius to ensure that peace is maintained at all costs.”

“I promise you, America, it will all be over by Christmas,” insisted Mr Kennedy.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Ethical Consumers’ Travel Plans Now Totally Screwed

With the RAF taking delivery of its first Airbus A330 Voyager tanker and troop transport, ethical purchasers are now totally fucked as far as their holidays are concerned.

Yeah, dream on, flyboy - it's just a big tube with wings
“OMG there must be an airliner somewhere that isn’t made by an arms manufacturer,” sighed an aghast Starchild Moonflower - whose real name is Sue - to her Facebook commune. “Airbus, Boeing, British Aerospace, Bombardier – well, that goes without saying – fuck it, even the bloody Brazilian one’s part and parcel of the murdering military-industrial complex!”

“What about Aeroflot? Tupolev… Antonov… I might have known,” she continued. “Sorry, kids, looks like it’s a sodding Margate caravan park for the rest of your childhood.”

Meanwhile, aviation experts are placing bets on what the RAF will call the long-delayed A400M troop transport, if Airbus can ever get the damned thing to work. The bookies’ choice is currently ‘Tardis’ at 3-2, with ‘Millennium Falcon’ the second favourite at 3-1, ‘Eagle Transporter’ at 6-1 and ‘Noddy Car’ a long shot at 33-1.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Scientist Proves Imaginary Character Ate Fictional Meal A Day Earlier

Professor Colin Humphreys - an expert on gallium nitrides, electron microscopy and high-temperature aerospace materials at Imperial College, Cambridge – has brought all of his specialist knowledge of electrons and stuff to bear on determining precisely when a carpenter’s son for whom no historical evidence exists might have invited some friends round for dinner.

Science proves this happened on a Wednesday
“I was mapping some dopants in silicon and other semiconductor devices the other day,” explained Prof. Humphreys, “And what I saw led me to the startling conclusion that, for no readily apparent reason, my imaginary friend Jesus had obviously scheduled his dinner party on a Wednesday, according to the old Jewish calendar, rather than the Thursday of the lunar calendar which everyone else was using. Obviously, all his pals realised his mistake when they received their invitations - otherwise he’d have looked a right charlie on the night, wouldn’t he, sitting in front of a huge spread with no guests?”

“It’s all in my stunning book, ‘The Mystery of The Last Supper, and Other Whodathunkit Applications of Electron Energy-Loss Spectroscopy,’ published today by the Cambridge University Press,” said the respected metallurgist proudly.

A spokesman for Cambridge University told eager reporters to watch out for other exciting believe-it-or-not moneyspinners to be published soon, including Professor Stephen Hawking’s incredible-but-true discovery of Narnia in his wardrobe.

Berlusconi Fails To Run Trains To France On Time

Italy’s trains are experiencing some unfortunate timetable issues, admitted comedy dictator Silvio Berlusconi, after France delayed ten trains at the border because North African migrants - granted temporary residence permits by his government - assumed for some reason that, as legal EU residents, they had the right to travel within the EU.

France's railways have dealt with undesirables before
Italy’s ambassador in Paris lodged a voluble protest at France’s unilateral hold-ups - only to come up against a brick wall of Gallic shrugs from Nicolas Sarkozy.

“It may be that this is not covered by the Schengen border code rules,” commented EU home affairs commissioner Cecilia Maelstrom. “But it would seem that they had the right to do this. Excuse me, is this fence occupied?”

French officials insisted that they had no problem with any destitute North African refugees entering the country, as long as they brought along several thousand euros to live on.

“Although if zey air wearing ze burqa, zey are needing also a couple of hundred euros a day to pay ze fines, isn’t it?” laughed one border guard, as he hectored another hapless refugee. “Your papers, pliss?”

Sunday, 17 April 2011

This Particular Aspect Of Monarchy Is An Anachronism, Declares Clegg

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg is to ask the rest of the Commonwealth whether the part of Britain’s thousand-year-old monarchy which gives priority to male heirs is merely atavistic baggage from a primitive bygone age which has no place in our modern democratic society, he revealed today.

If only she was a bit older
“In this day and age, it’s frankly ludicrous that a member of our hereditary dynasty of imported Protestant inbreds could reign - not just over Britain, but also the international community of its former colonies - simply because they have a cock and their older sister doesn’t,” pointed out Mr Clegg. “Why on Earth shouldn’t a woman have an equal chance of becoming the acknowledged leader of 30% of the world’s population, as long as she’s the first child of whoever happens to be king or queen at the time?”

“And, of course, it goes without saying that she’d have to give a pretty wide berth to all that Papist mumbo-jumbo about beads and whatnot,” he added.

Mr Clegg says that PM David Cameron is “sympathetic” to his argument, although Mr Cameron was seen in the background pointing to his own genitals with a smirk, then shaking his head and frowning as he pointed at Mr Clegg.

Liberal Democrat backbenchers were quick to agree, saying Mr Clegg had conclusively demonstrated that, these days, it is perfectly possible for a leader to have no balls.