Assad A Cad And A Rotter, Opines Cameron

Not ruled out

Prime minister David Cameron bravely threw down a forcefully-worded ultimatum to Syria’s Bashar al-Assad today, calling him “a cad and a rotter whose standards of behaviour are quite, quite beyond the pale.”

A statesmanlike Mr Cameron also urged the Syrian president, whose army continues to murder innocent civilians with enthusiasm as it mops up the last vestiges of opposition, to be a good sport and take an early bath, and warned that he was “this close” to wagging Britain’s mighty finger in an admonishing manner.

Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, President Obama also ramped up international pressure on the Syrian regime, throwing the formidable strength of the world’s sole superpower behind his declaration that Assad was “a no-good, dirty rat”.

When the matter of Sunday’s rigged Russian presidential election attracts his attention in several months’ time, sources close to Mr Cameron say he may well call Mr Putin “a sneaky blighter” and point out that “cheats never prosper.”

British Expats Back Sarkozy’s ‘Too Many Foreigners’ Speech

Immigrants warn there are just too many French people in France

Britons who have retired to the south of France have wholeheartedly endorsed embattled French president Nicolas Sarkozy’s desperate attempt to lure voters back from the far right by claiming that there are too many foreigners in France.

“”I moved here in 2007, yet these arrogant frog buggers still won’t have the common courtesy to speak English within range of my hearing,” fumed retired stockbroker Sir Nicholas Stuff as he valiantly continued his five-year battle to purchase a Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie in the local ‘boulangerie’ with a ten pound note. “I’ve shouted myself hoarse, I’ve raised my stick to them on numerous occasions and still they stubbornly cling to their precious ‘culture’. And the police do nothing, because they're all bloody foreigners too.”

“That jumped-up little chimp Sarkozy is talking sense at last, even if he is the son of a bloody immigrant,” acknowledged the doughty British immigrant, as he angrily kicked an onion-seller off his unspeakable bicycle. “And even though he delivered it in jibber-jabber.”

Indigenous Brazilian Tribes Delighted To Find Out They’re Worth More Than Me

Remote tribes in the rainforest-covered uplands of Brazil are celebrating their new-found economic importance today, after learning that they are officially worth more than I am now that Brazil has overtaken Britain as the world’s sixth-largest economy.

A Brazilian tries in vain to provide me with motivation

“Eat this, loser!” smirked Amilcar López, a Xucuru shaman with a private practice halfway up a mountain in Pernambuco state. “I’ve just been approved for 0% finance on a brand new Jeep Wrangler. Enjoy your bus journey to the Jobcentre, Nev, you useless waster.”

José Rodrigues, a self-employed parrot hunter who lives in his own tree, told the Nev Filter that - unlike its writer/editor - he will be sunning himself on a beach in Australia next month, because he has a credit card.

“For god’s sake do something productive with your life,” he advised. “Why don’t you get off your fat arse and make yourself a blowpipe?”

I was unavailable for comment.

Government Buys Good News From Nissan

Japanese car giant Nissan today officially unveiled £9.3m of feelgood publicity for the government, marking a sharp turnaround in the coalition’s fortunes.

Inviting ridicule

“Thanks to a £9.3m investment from Vince Cable, we are pleased to announce that 400 Geordies will be allowed into our plant to watch our robots building our exciting new egg on wheels,” said Trevor Mann, Nissan’s senior vice-president for manufacturing in Europe, at the Geneva Motor Show. “This will also create another 1600 jobs among our suppliers, so China’s happy too.”

“This is great news for the government and well worth every penny I paid for it,” declared Mr Cable brightly.

Not to be outdone, however, managers at Rio Tinto Alcan gave the government some publicity by announcing, at no cost to the taxpayer, that 500 jobs will be lost 30 miles down the road in Lynemouth when it closes its aluminium smelter.

Putin Not Out, Shake It All About

Mr Putin needs to hug something this big to regain credibility

There have been widespread calls from President Vladimir Putin for an investigation into vote-rigging in Russia today, the day after fraudulent election officials criminally failed to alter a shocking 37% of the ballot papers in his favour.

“What kind of message is sent out to the rest of the world when corrupt state employees openly abuse the trust placed in them, by not doing what I pay them for?” demanded Mr Putin as he stamped angrily through a forest clad only in a pair of Speedos and a crown, looking for photogenic wildlife to squeeze. “The people should demand the severest punishment for those who turn Russia into an object of international ridicule.”

Tesco Boss Defends ’20,000 Jobs For The Price Of 8’ Promotion

This is what 100 jobs look like to Mr Brasher

Retail megalomaniac Tesco is being uncharacteristically defensive today, in the light of widespread scepticism which greeted its boastful prediction that 20,000 glorious jobs would somehow be magically created by the opening of two wardrobe-sized Tesco Express convenience stores in Peebles and Renfrewshire.

“No, really, these are 100% genuine jobs on offer,” insisted a sweating CEO Richard Brasher. “We’ll need two till operatives, an assistant manager and a shelf-stacking apprentice in each shop. That’s four jobs across two stores, making a total of 8 - and they’re full-time-equivalent, so that’s actually 400 part-time jobs. Across two stores, remember, so that’s 800. Factor in the turnover as students come and go in September, and you’ve got 1600, i.e. 3200 beteween the two. Then there’s replacing all the staff who retire, die in harness or get the sack for not licking the floor clean enough - that’s easily another 3200 per store, which I’m sure you’ll agree makes a subtotal of 6400. Obviously, these in-store jobs also require support staff at head office – another 6400 – not forgetting, of course, the same number of warehouse employees.”

“So, er, I make that 19,200,” coughed Mr Brasher, as he hailed a passing taxi and jumped in through a window before it stopped moving. “That’s near as dammit, surely? The other 800 posts probably involve existing staff going on some noddy training course for an afternoon or something, which I’m sure you all agree is a job in itself.”

“Every little lie helps,” he called shamelessly, as he sped off to steal forty-seven fucking pence off you for a loaf of medium-sliced chipboard and call that ‘Value’.

Cardinal Proclaims Ineffable Divinity Of Holy Matrimony With Numerous Explicit References To Bum Sex

Christian Britain today has its eyebrows raised higher than at any previous time in its 2000-year history, after the God-fearing nation’s top Catholic prelate put it straight on the ghastly things gay people get up to as soon as they think nobody is looking.

The Cardinal's wrongometer just exploded

“Whenever two or more gays find themselves alone together, I tell you, before you can say Hail Mary they’ve all got their winkies stuck in each other’s bottoms and then you have to prise them apart with a stick,” explained a solemn-faced Cardinal Keith O’Blimey. “And, would you believe, they get all their ribs taken out by Satanic gay surgeons just so they can cram their freakishly-swollen toilet parts into their slobbering mouths for the gratification of their insane, depraved lusts. I simply can’t bear to think about it, which is unfortunate, because I do little else.”

“Marriage – proper marriage, I mean, between man who is made in God’s perfect image and a properly obedient lady virgin - is the single most holy act a man will ever undertake,” explained the Cardinal sternly. “Except for the clergy, obviously, as we would rightly be hurled into the burning fires of eternal damnation for polluting our temple-like bodies with vile, corrupted sluts whose wicked disobedience brought sin into the world and their perky, succulent breasts which jiggle up and down in ecst… I’m sorry, will you excuse me? My Little Lord Jesus is telling me I need to go and lie down for a few minutes.”

When he returned, the flushed cardinal was asked what words of comfort he had for lesbians. On being shown some explanatory diagrams of the sins they commit, Cardinal O’Blimey fainted dead away in a prominent state of divine rapture.

Britain Diagnosed With Hollywood-Induced Quixotism

Psychologists say Britain’s unhealthy obsession with blockbuster movies has tragically developed into full-blown quixotism, the mental illness in which the commonplace seems fantastic, after the entire population decided that a meteor burning up in the atmosphere could not possibly be anything but a crashing - and probably snake-infested - airliner, full of screaming victims desperately texting their heart-rending final words to their loved ones.

No

“Millions of meteors fall into our atmosphere every day,” sighed Dr Maria Strangelove as she prepared the papers for Britain to be committed, “Whereas, in a typical year, about 150 commercial aircraft fall out of it. Now, which do you think you’re more likely to witness?”

With therapy, say experts, Britain may one day recover some sense of proportion – although they warn that this will take some time as, even once it accepts that what it saw was just a rock, the nation will then have to overcome the tragic delusion that only the heroic intervention of Bruce Willis narrowly saved the human race from total extinction.