Nigeria Suspended From Commonwealth For Blatant Attempt To Hijack News

The disloyal African state of Nigeria has had its membership of the Commonwealth suspended, after shamelessly trying to elbow its way into news coverage of the Jubilee with not one, but two fatal air accidents in a single day.

Just ignore them

The first shocking gatecrash – in which an ancient Boeing 727 freighter arriving from Nigeria overshot the runway in the Ghanaian capital, Accra, crushing ten bus passengers who were as black as the ace of spades – disgracefully stole a full thirty seconds of Her Majesty’s rightful airtime.

But worse was to follow.

Not satisfied with their first attempt to ruin the Queen’s day, at least 150 egocentric Nigerians chose to die selfishly when a passenger flight from Abuja to Lagos terminated in a flagrant attention-seeking explosion on top of a printing works .

“This was not the scheduled point of arrival,” observed a disdainful Foreign Office spokesman. “The inescapable conclusion is that these insignificant coloured persons felt an entirely unjustified sense of entitlement to five minutes of fame.”

“Thankfully, the media saw fit to grant them just two,” he added, “But how is that supposed to make the Queen feel?”

Armchair Anarchists Strangely Reluctant To Challenge Cameron On Somalia

Welcome to the anarchist paradise

As David Cameron threatens to destabilise Somalia - the world’s foremost anarchist state – with an invasion of evil capitalist money, thousands of freethinking Somali pirates and starving villagers have been left mystified and demoralised by the total absence of messages of support in the social media from their crusty allies in the developed world.

“First-world anarchists have been sitting on their backsides for well over a century, telling their friends how all of the world’s problems could be solved at a stroke by the abolition of all bureaucratic structures,” pointed out Looshan Yusuf, a member of a non-hierarchic pirate collective operating out of the free commune of Hafun, as he selflessly redistributed a consignment of grain liberated from the oppressive ownership of Western aid agencies among his gun-toting friends. “Well, only here in Somalia will you find an entire nation functioning in a state of perfect anarchy.”

“I am thinking your idle Western anarchists should eat their dogs on strings and sail over here immediately to demonstrate the strength of their solidarity,” agreed his friend Timiro Asad eagerly, as he oiled the recycled RPG-7 rocket launcher which the collective has deemed appropriate to his needs. “Then we could ransom them in exchange for heavier firepower and plenty of ammunition, which we desperately need to keep our heroic social experiment going.”

“Peace,” he added.

‘We Absolutely Did Not Capture Gbagbo, Massa,’ Insists Blacked-Up French Commando

France's elite forces were all picking cotton at the time

French special forces played no part whatsoever in the surprise seizure of Ivorian president Laurent Gbagbo, according to a shoeshine-covered French officer in top hat and tails, as he twirled a cane and danced with leggy showgirls to the tune of ‘Camptown Races’ inside the UN headquarters in Abidjan.

“Yassum boss, ah’s a-tellin’ yuh, us Frenchies wun’t nowheres near dat t’ing, no suh!” he explained to sceptical reporters, theatrically rolling his eyes and strutting up and down in his gaily-striped trousers as a platoon of similarly-attired French commandos pushed a confused-looking Mr Gbagbo onstage, flexing their elbows and knees comically as they doffed their toppers.

“Dey native nigga-boys, dey’s a-doin’ it aal bah deyselfs, yes sirree, ain’ dat de troof?” he implored, picking up a strategically-placed banjo and strumming away contentedly.

“Hallelujah!” chorused his troops, waving their pink-palmed hands furiously.

“’Cos if de UN done asked dey Frenchies to take out de bad ole sambo heah, dat be lookin’ like doin’ mo’ dan just de peacekeepin’ work o’ de Lawd, hush mah mouth!” he added solemnly.

“Why, dat be lookin’ mighty like de bad ole days o’ colonialism,” he continued, as he booted Mr Gbagbo offstage into the midst of an appreciative audience of Alassane Ouattara supporters. “Ain’t nobody doin’ dat racist ol’ routine no mo’, praise de Lawd.”

Gbagbo Offers Leadership Experience To Libyan Rebels

Mr Gbagbo is sure his knot-tying badge will be an inspiration

As troops loyal to elected president Alassane Outtara tighten the net surrounding his embattled rival, Laurent Gbagbo has suggested to the UN that the struggling Libyan rebels might benefit from his strong leadership style.

UN peacekeepers in the Ivory Coast have previously said that Mr Gbagbo’s peaceful departure would prevent further destabilisation in the strife-torn republic.

Speaking from the coal cellar of his encircled presidential residence in Abidjan, Mr Gbagbo told UN observers: “You wantin’ me alive? OK, give me de job I can do. Dis Gaddafi character up dere in Libya, he crazy as de bag full o’ de monkeys - but he bloddy good at runnin’ de bits he got left o' de army.”

“Jus' look at dese so-called rebels,” he went on. “Dey takin’ over de ice cream van an’ de couple o’ beach huts, dey so damn’ chuffed wid demselves dey emptyin’ de ol' Lee-an'-de-Enfields into de sky like dey winnin' de whole dam’ war - den five minutes later, when de Gaddafi goons rollin’ up in de ol’ Toyota wid de Lewis gun on de back, dey buggerin’ off back into de hills like de shit off de proverbial shovel an’ hollerin’ ‘bout de lack o’ de ammunitions. Dey needin’ somebody wid de proper motivational skills an’ de gift fo’ de organisin'. Let me fax you de amazin’ Gbagbo CV. I go 50/50 wid you on de oil, dat makin’ it worth my while.”

“Bot you better be makin’ de minds up dam’ quick,” he warned. “Udderwise dese uppity nordern bastards, dey givin’ me de halal funeral wid all de trimmin’s, if you know wot I am sayin’.”

Crate In Kampala Warehouse Asks To Speak To British Consul

A packing crate surprised workers in a Kampala warehouse yesterday by claiming it was Britain’s former prime minister Gordon Brown and requesting consular assistance.

“This crate arrived from the UK several weeks ago, with fifty years’ storage fees paid in advance by the Labour Party,” said local DHL manager Musake Gwandoya. “It just sat there quietly until yesterday, when it told a passing porter it was called Gordon and asked if he would be so kind as to pass a note to the British embassy.”

It is believed that Mr Brown subsists on a spartan diet of such rats and snakes as fall through the ventilation holes of his 2m x 2m x 3m box.

An embassy spokesman confirmed that the crate contained Gordon Brown, adding that the ex-PM had asked for a consul to drop by to empty his chemical toilet, as it was getting a bit full.

“Mr Brown assures the people of Britain that he seeks no honours or titles, but asks if they wouldn’t mind lending him a small Travel Scrabble set,” he added. “He’s been quite happy so far playing clock patience, but he says a change is as good as a rest.”

Reporters have been politely but firmly refused access to the crate, although Mr Brown has issued a statement suggesting that if he ever got bored he may climb out to play a major part in transforming the fortunes of Africa.

The continent’s leaders politely thanked Mr Brown for his concern, and said they will be sure to post him a book or two every week.

Get Your Sorry Black Ass Over Here, FIFA Tells Mandela

A grieving Nelson Mandela has been told by Sepp Blatter to stop his pathetic sobbing over the death of his great granddaughter - who died in a car crash on the way home from a pre-tournament concert - and drag his sorry black ass over to tonight’s World Cup final match between Spain and the Netherlands, or else.

“Now look here, kaffer, you’ve already used that feeble excuse to bunk off the opening ceremony,” said the FIFA president. “In case you hadn’t noticed, we own your toytown country for the duration of the championship – and that includes you, fuzzy. If this stiff is so goddamned important to you, you can bloody well drag it along with you tonight, do you hear me?”

“I’ll just tell you this once, you good-for-nothing layabout,” he raged. “If you’re not on that pitch, dancing your little rainbow socks off with tonight’s winners, we’ll be demanding full payment of the $600m your piss-ant little tribe’s had from the sweat of our labours, in addition to the tax-free $1bn we’ve made ourselves. Do I make myself clear?”

“And bloody get there on time, too, boy,” added the white football master. “I’m not going to be fobbed off with some old crap about the dog eating you, or white boys shoving you around on the way to the stadium. If that happens, I shall have to beat you, you understand? I want to see you wearing one of those multicoloured ethnic shirts, by the way, not dressed up in black. I hate black.”

The beautiful game kicks off at 7.30pm.

Madonna's Adopted Child Developing Suitable Disdain For Lowly Father

Madonna took a day out from buying a new Malawian child for her growing collection yesterday, arranging a heartrending meeting between her previous purchase and his natural father.

Yohane Magwitch needed an interpreter to speak to his son David, who has completely forgotten his native language. In impeccable English tones reminiscent of Sir Alec Guinness, young David asked his father, "Who are you?" and "Why are you poor?"

"I would like to thank Miss Madonna for removing my son from his natural home, allowing him to play in her cobweb-strewn mansion and working so hard to turn him into a horribly spoilt brat," a red-eyed Mr Magwitch told reporters afterwards. "And I wish her every success in buying as many of our children as it takes to show the world what a sincere, caring person she is."

Not to be outdone at saving the world one child at a time, Angelina Jolie announced today that she is shopping around in India for another cute ethnic kid to add to her multi-racial petting zoo, which already includes well cared-for specimens from Cambodia, Vietnam and Ethiopia.

Can You Spare A Guinea At Christmas?

The African Union has held an emergency meeting to discuss the republic of Guinea, following a military coup by junior officers shortly after the death of President Lansana Conte on Monday.

Many African leaders have been swift to condemn the junta's seizure of power from the poverty-stricken country's corrupt government.

"General Conte was a great man," said Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe, "And he had a great bank balance to prove it. He was also a great democratic innovator, generously allowing only a complete nobody to stand against him in a mockery of a presidential election. I wish I'd thought of that, instead of letting that irritating bastard Tsvangirai run."

The National Council for Democracy and Development has named Captain Moussa Dadis Camara as its president, declared a curfew and warned generals loyal to the government not to use mercenaries to regain power. Captain Camara has stated that "free, credible and transparent elections" would be held in December 2009.

"That is something else that worries us," said an African Union spokesman. "It could set a bad precedent for the entire continent. Nevertheless, we are hopeful that a couple of months in power will work its usual magic on these idealistic young hotheads. Once they realise how easy it is to divert investment and tax income into their own pockets, no doubt things will settle down into the usual pattern."

Few ordinary Guineans appear to be unduly discomfited by the curfew - which has led to the closure of shops and petrol stations in the capital, Conakry - as most of them are too poor to shop much anyway, let alone own a car.

Meanwhile, the European Union and the United States have joined the AU in condemnation of the coup.

"It's all very well banging on about the democracy thing like it's some worthwhile goal in itself, or something," said President George W Bush. "General Conte may have been a thieving, dictatorial thug, but a few judicious bungs to him and his minsterial henchmen made Guinea a great place for corporate America to do business - and that's the bottom line, my friends."

"You wouldn't believe how little it costs to bribe a corrupt government," confirmed Gordon Brown. "A second-hand Jag with a built-in DVD player and a box set of old Arnold Schwarzenegger movies will keep a greedy cabinet minister on-message for a year or more."

And it's no different in Guinea, either," he added.

Africans Sympathise With Britons Forced to Go Without Mineral Water

As Oxfam warns that Britain is struggling to meet the cost of necessities like bottled mineral water, 15 million consumers in East Africa are reported to be reining in their lifestyles by opting to forego luxuries such as food.

“I really don’t know how I’m going to survive the journey into the office without Highland Spring,” said local government officer Gillian Perrier, 30. “How will I replace the sandstone and basalt my body loses through my daily cycle through the traffic? And think of the kids, facing a gruelling 15-minute walk to school - it’s only flavoured Volvic that keeps them from dropping into the newsagents for sweets. I may as well give up altogether and go back to driving the Espace.”

Meanwhile, up to 7.2 million people in Somalia and Ethiopia alone are reassessing their priorities in the face of rocketing prices, drought and violent conflict.

“Property prices are plummeting round here”, complained one Somali villager we spoke to. “My home lost 95% of its value overnight, when the local militia roared into town and fired an anti-tank rocket at it. And my small eco-business has been struggling to survive ever since the rains stopped last year. If this goes on, I may have to let some of my hard-working family go. Still, my heart goes out to those people in Britain who can’t afford mineral water. I’ll have a rummage round and see if I can donate something I can manage without, like a kidney or a daughter maybe.”

Mandela To Spend Rest of Life Reading 90th Birthday Cards

Nelson Mandela, South Africa’s first black president, is today celebrating his 90th birthday quietly in his home village of Qunu. The prisoner-turned-president’s birthday celebration will be a low-key family affair, apart from the football festival, the concert, the 500-guest dinner and the 5-mile queue of post office vans laden with birthday cards.

The great and the good have lined up to pay tribute to the man credited with ending the injustice of apartheid - and so have many leading politicians.

“Nelson Mandela successfully led a peaceful regime change, turning an international pariah state into a successful democracy without shedding a single drop of blood,” said US President George W Bush. “What a loser.”

“People all over the world love Nelson Mandela,” said Gordon Brown. “I am in awe of him. Not even my own mother could love me.”

“He is an inspiration to me,” agreed Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe. “Like me, he just seems to go on forever. I think I’m a bit like Nelson Mandela myself - but a Nelson Mandela with the added advantage of a homicidal army of merciless thugs wielding machetes and AK47s.”

“Mr Mandela used his personal charm to promote reconciliation and to mould our widely diverse communities into an emerging multicultural nation,” said South Africa’s last bigoted racist president, FW de Klerk, through gritted teeth. “But let’s not forget that he also married Winnie. Hey, no offence.”

Finally, Nelson Mandela emerged from his home to greet the assembled reporters with a message of hope for the world.

“I hope I can blow out all these damned candles,” he said.

Political commentators say that Mr Mandela’s unique brand of quiet dignity and determination was forged during the 26 long years he endured in South Africa’s notorious Robbens Island prison, and it has been suggested that many of the current world leaders might benefit from a couple of decades in solitary confinement.

Zimbabwe Celebrates Future With Optimism

In a surprise move, Robert Mugabe has graciously accepted defeat in the Zimbabwean elections and stepped down as President, effective immediately.

“I am happy to congratulate my honourable opponent, Morgan Tsvangirai, and the Movement for Democratic Change on winning the election on Sunday fair and square,” beamed Mr Mugabe. “The Zimbabwean people have spoken, and I respect their democratic will. I have been President for 28 years, and in that period our country has toppled from prosperity to penury, and is now an economic basket case. Clearly I am not the man for the job, and it is high time I stepped aside and let someone competent take charge. I have nothing but respect for Mr Tsvangirai, and wish him every success in restoring the fortunes of our blighted nation.”

“I have instructed the security forces to co-operate fully with the MDC in order to facilitate a smooth transfer of power in the coming days,” he continued, “And I urge all my supporters to welcome a new dawn of peace and reconciliation.”

When asked about the numerous reports of vote-rigging and ballot-stuffing said to have taken place around the country, Mr Mugabe smiled and said, “Well, of course - I have a reputation to live up to, it’s expected of me. You can’t blame me for trying – but, really, my heart just isn’t in it any more. I am looking forward to a quiet retirement, well away from affairs of state. However, if my successor wishes to investigate the various crimes, abuses and outrages I committed during three decades of blind, dogmatic rule, then I will just have to stand trial and take whatever richly-deserved punishment is coming to me.”

“I really have been a disaster for this country,” added Mr Mugabe, with tears in his eyes, “And I just want to say I’m very, very sorry.”

All over the country, members of Mr Mugabe’s ZANU-PF party were reported to be enthusiastically hugging their successful MDC rivals in the dancing, cheering crowds thronging every city and village in Zimbabwe.

Mr Tsvangirai, meanwhile, was reported to be peering around cautiously from under a manhole cover.

Mugabe's Doctor Joke Mystifies African Tragicomedy Fans

Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe, facing the toughest election in his 28-year presidency – i.e. one with opponents daring to stand – has come up with the novel campaign tactic of giving out free cars to 450 doctors at government hospitals.

“Our health sector operated in a regional and international context that was free of the illegal sanctions which weigh us down today,” said the veteran international pariah. “But then I came along. Now look at the state of it.”

Zimbabwe’s doctors and nurses – at least, those who have not already fled the country in exasperation – have been on strike demanding more pay; although, with inflation running at 100,000%, any pay award would almost certainly be worthless before the ink was dry.

Mr Mugabe further promised that the doctors would receive houses within two years, and petrol for their new cars in fifteen. His electoral largesse has also extended to handing out farm machinery to his ex-guerilla army, whose mismanagement of the lands he seized from white Zimbabwean farmers has largely contributed to the collapse of the country’s economy and food supply; and donating fleets of buses, in which his heavily-armed thugs can travel with ease from polling station to polling station on March 29th, encouraging floating voters to support Mr Mugabe - or end up floating down the nearest river.