Monday, 18 January 2010

Top General Urges Defence Spending On Computer Security, Not Things That Go Bang

The head of the British Army, General Sir David Richards, today launched a sensational attack on the government's defence spending on traditional weapons the country cannot afford, claiming that the MoD should concentrate on cyber-threats instead and pop down to PC World to pick up Norton 360 for fifty quid.

"I am not proposing that we get rid of all our more traditional military capability," said Sir David. For example, we can keep our fleet of sixties-designed Harriers flying until they fall apart. As for our aircraft carrier program, why not just plonk a Harrier or two on every cross-channel ferry instead?"

Citing the estimated £110m unit cost of the delayed next-generation Nimrod MRA4 aircraft, Sir David pointed out that, in a crisis, the government would spend less if it simply requisitioned every restored Spitfire and Hurricane in the country.

"They were good enough to win the Battle of Britain," he pointed out confidently.

Urging the use of unpiloted reconnaissance drones, Britain's top soldier pointed out that radio-controlled replicas of the legendary Lockheed SR-71 'Blackbird' spy-plane were available on the internet for a bargain $279.99.

He also called for Britain's front-line troops to be phased out and replaced with the country's leading Call of Duty 2 players.

"Anyone who can complete that game is clearly a top-notch machine killer with the lightning reactions needed for the electronic battlefields of tomorrow," he said. "And as long as they get a regular supply of Doritos and Red Bull, they'll work for nothing."

Date Set For Blair's Record Bullshitting Attempt

Former PM Tony Blair will begin his attempt to smash the world record for bullshitting on January 29th, said a spokesman for the Chilcot Inquiry into events leading up to the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

Mr Blair already holds the record for Longest Sustained Bullshitting after 10 years and 57 days in office. However, he is hoping that, at some point during the 2-4 weeks he is expected to spend before the committee, he will also be able to snatch the crown for sheer quantity of bullshit delivered in one 24-hour period.

"Our test-run questioning of Alastair Campbell last week revealed defects in our bullshit-removal apparatus, after the wheelbarrow collapsed under the sheer weight of crap pouring out of Mr Blair's top advisor," said Mr Chilcot. "So we are installing a conveyor belt to deliver Mr Blair's crap straight into a fleet of waiting skips, which will deliver his reeking ordure straight to the front page of your daily paper every morning."

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Obscenely Overvalued Pigs Snap Up Obscenely Overvalued Pigs

As the cash-strapped British public digs deep into its pockets to raise millions of pounds for Haitian earthquake relief, top London grocer Selfridges has come up with an innovative new way to help the City's banking community to flaunt its utter contempt for basic human decency by tempting them to squander £1,800 on a pig's leg.

The world's most expensive ham comes complete with its own DNA certificate proving that it was hacked off the back end of a pig. 50 limited-edition pigs picked out by Spanish bleeder Manuel Malbastardo were humanely spared from spending their brief lives trying not to drown in their own shit, then lovingly slaughtered by sloe-eyed virgins. After being left to ripen for three years, the pig legs were put in made-to-measure boxes made of wood from the one true cross and blessed by three popes, which were then wrapped in aprons handmade from the skin of a peasant by Spain's most unscrupulous tailor.

"Uncaring fat cat bankers will appreciate the melt-in-the-mouth price tag of this truly amazing Spanish pig leg," explained Selfishes' Obscene Food Buyer. "When you think about how much pseudo-gourmet bollocks you'll yammer as you greedily spray gobbets of dead pig all over the impoverished clients to whose accounts you're charging it, it's actually amazing value for money."

Nev Filter Not A Fan Of i bileve NEthing im told on facebok

Unpopular satire blog The Nev Filter today failed in its duty to join several Facebook groups and fan pages, after making the fatal mistake of thinking 'hang on a minute' before clicking the Join button and gleefully following whatever stupid or harmful instructions followed.

A spokesman for Facebook Brain Control Inc said that the company had received numerous complaints from spammers, hackers, con-artists and paranoid delusionists stating that the Nev Filter was selfishly blocking the development of the human race by pointedly refusing to participate in the evolutionary leap from Homo sapiens to Homo credens.

"After receiving numerous reports, we have set up a group called I BET I CAN GET 1,000,000 PPL 2 COMPLAN ABOUT THE NEV FILTER," he said. "I urge all obedient Facebook slaves to join this group immediately."

"I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that, filthy rich as we are from our lucrative advertising revenues, Facebook has no plans to force users to pay £14.99 or £3.99, or indeed to receive a sharp stick up the arse," he added. "Since that's just what we would say, isn't it, that should keep those fucktard-magnet groups ticking along nicely."

So far the Nev Filter has blatantly refused to honour its obligation to spread the viral wares of the legitimate spammers of the world, by stubbornly refusing to cut and paste a segment of incomprehensible Javascript.

"I appreciate that I am completely out of touch with the laid-back, trusting youth of today," admitted Neville Shite, the blogger who is now Facebook Enemy Number 1. "But when somebody promises me a free Dell laptop or a desperately-needed Dislike button in return for simply spamming 20 of my friends or hacking my own account, a little alarm bell goes off in the back of my devious, suspicion-riddled mind."

"I even started a group called 'u no i think ther may b bad ppl out ther'," he added. "Needless to say, within minutes a million hollow-eyed robots promptly joined it, and just as promptly forgot all about it. Go figure."