NHS Direct To Be Replaced By Party Line

Andrew Lansley: tracking down savings

NHS Direct – the parsimonious alternative to doctors, which puts sick callers through to a severely disillusioned nurse – is not actually making money for the government and must therefore be replaced with something even more tokenistic, health secretary Angela Lansbury confirmed this morning.

“All those nurses expect to be paid from the public purse, which is something we as a government firmly oppose,” said Mr Lansbury. “On the other hand, the general public as a whole suffers from just about every medical ailment known to man, and individuals can be very knowledgeable – especially hypochondriacs, for whom NHS Direct was a gift from heaven.”

“So I had this brilliant idea – why don’t we connect everybody on a big premium-rate party line?” he enthused. “Chances are that, whatever you’ve got, somebody else has already had it and can tell you what to do. And you can probably help somebody else with their complaint, too, while you’re at it. As for the hypochondriacs, being able to use their encyclopaedic knowledge of minor ailments for the common good will do wonders for their self-esteem, which is nice.”

When asked what would happen if a caller was still unable to get helpful advice from other callers, the health secretary thought for a minute, then beamed: “I know - we’ll have an option where people can press a button for expert advice, which will take them directly to a taped message, telling them to lose weight, stop smoking and take a couple of aspirin. After all, that’s pretty much all your GP would say nowadays, isn’t it?”

BBC Director-General Warns Cuts May Prevent Future Legal Battles To Protect Identity Of Car Driver

Protecting this man's identity: priceless

The director-general of the BBC, Mark Thompson, has warned that the upcoming talks on the future of the TV licence fee may jeopardise the aura of mystique surrounding the identity of a man who drives cars around in circles for Jeremy Clarkson’s pleasure.

“Right now the BBC is running up eye-watering legal fees in fighting Rupert Murdoch’s HarperCollins in the high court to prevent them from publishing the real name of a man in a crash helmet,” he told dozing reporters in his MacTaggart lecture in Edinburgh. “We can only perform this essential public service because Rupert Murdoch’s BSkyB was singularly unsuccessful in persuading the previous government that the BBC should be shut down immediately for the heinous crime of charging people £145.50 a year for nine TV channels of mostly British content, eight national and 46 regional radio stations plus the World Service, five bloody orchestras and a comprehensive website, and chucking the news in at no extra cost.”

“Sorry if we don’t offer any channels of wall-to-wall football from Kazakhstan, or insultingly patronising documentary channels aimed squarely at people who would rather gnaw their own arms off than read a book,” he added. “But if viewers really want to lop a few bob off the licence fee, I’m sure we can sack David Attenborough and replace him with Vernon Kay.”

Kick Evil Cat Woman’s Cunt Off, Says Clegg

Yes, that's the sort of thing, says Liberal leader

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg demonstrated his mastery of current affairs this afternoon, by reacting to video footage of a cat being placed in a wheelie bin only 24 hours after a previously-undiscovered tribe of headhunters living deep within the Amazonian rainforest had offered their services to various Facebook death-threat groups.

“My first reaction on hearing about the cat in a bin was to raise an eyebrow at what passes for news these days,” admitted Mr Clegg. “But when the cleaning lady told me that tens of thousands of hate-filled voters had joined Facebook groups, calling for all manner of mediaeval tortures to be inflicted on the perpetrator, I swiftly realised that this was nothing less than a national tragedy of Shakespearean magnitude. I therefore call on the British people to rise up, go round to Mary Bale’s house – the address is all over the net, thanks to the public-spirited activities of numerous eminently-sane posters – and kick her murdering Nazi cunt clean off, before stringing her up by her own evil innards.”

“And pulling on her legs,” he added. “For this is the liberal, democratic way.”

West Midlands police, who have had to provide round-the-clock protection for Mrs Bale, thanked the deputy PM for his input.

“If the man at the top thinks that way, then I’m sure he won’t mind if I reassign my lads to some proper police work, and leave this daft old biddy to her fate,” said Chief Constable Chris Sims. “Now, when she’s savagely slaughtered in her bed by some deranged nutter who thinks their cat told them to do it, I won’t have to answer for it on national telly – Mr Clegg will. If this is what being liberal is all about, I’m all for it.”

France ‘Helping Roma Deportees To Integrate’ By Sending Them To Country Full Of Backward Pikey Scum, Counters Sarkozy

A new life awaits France's Roma minority

The French government reacted today with hurt surprise to accusations that its policy of deporting entire Roma communities to Romania was both discriminatory and in breach of international law.

“Bot zese stinking, ‘ow you say, pikey bâtards ‘ave no place in a civilised society such as France, where we wash our ‘airy armpits scrupulously once a month,” argued President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Zey are nuzzing but a squaleed bonch of ignorant but well-organised thieves wiz no respect for life or property, and our farmers – who ought to know about soch things – say zey are seeck of ze sight of zem.”

When a UN spokesman put it to him that the Roma were recognised as a distinct racial group with a rich cultural history, Mr Sarkozy laughingly replied. “So are ze mafiosi of Marseille. Would you be ‘appier eef I locked zem all op, sen, ees zat what you are saying?”

“Look, we are ‘elping ze Roma scom to integrate by sending zem to a backward, impoverished country full of gyppo thieves jos’ like zem, where zey will feel right at ‘ome ze moment zey step out of ze cattle truck,” he jeered. “Besides, eet ees all being done on a voluntary basis. By buying ze locky ‘eathair, we are, in effect, giving zem all ze necessary fonds to bribe zair way into what passes for ze professional lifestyle in Romania. Zey took ze money, didn’t zey? Well, zen, zey agreed to zis. Eet ees, ‘ow you say, an accomplished fact.”

“Now pees off, world, and leave me to get on wiz ze important job of looking after ze well-respected fascist minorities of France,” he added.

Putin Wrestles Whale Into Submission With Headlock

The Russian superman's latest triumph

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin’s strange macho compulsion to dominate wildlife has emerged again, this time in the form of a bizarre stunt in which he dived into the sea off Russia’s Pacific coast to engage in life-or-death hand-to-fluke combat with a whale.

The 57-year-old KGB veteran donned a brightly-coloured leotard - complete with a fearsome-looking squid mask - to enrage the whale, and had himself fired at it by a deck-mounted catapult as it leapt out of the water.

Mr Putin firmly slapped the whale on the jaw as he flashed past its ten-foot long face, before splashing down yards away. As the whale crashed back into the water, he took a huge gulp of air and dived in search of his krill-munching quarry.

Observers reported a mighty churning of the waters as the two evenly-matched protagonists wrestled for dominance of the seas. Several minutes passed before the whale burst out of the sea again, with the Russian leader’s brawny arm clamped firmly round its neck. Mr Putin gasped for breath, before disappearing in a wall of spray. However, after a few more minutes the beaten, headlocked whale floated gently to the surface, flapping the surface of the ocean three times with its fluke to signify submission.

An exhausted but triumphant Mr Putin clambered from the water, announcing: “I win great victory today for Russian peoples. Now I king of the whale, in addition to master of the polar bear and lord of the tiger. What mighty creatures bow to puny pencil-necked President Obama? Gopher? Skunk? He not even bring down docile bison.”

Fugitive Tycoon Not Likely To Be Charged With Stealing Millions of Votes

The fugitive millionaire Arsehole Blair, who returned briefly to Britain today after several years abroad, is unlikely to be charged with stealing millions of votes from the now-collapsed Labour Party, admitted Serious Fraud Office officials.

Mr Blair began his blatant theft of Labour votes almost seventeen years ago, when he was elected as leader of the once-prominent party. Under his leadership, the party was systematically stripped of its core policies and beliefs, leaving nothing but an empty shell. Just before the game was up, he cynically fled the country, leaving others to face the music while he enjoyed all of the benefits of a millionaire lifestyle.

“Unfortunately it was all a very long time ago and nobody here can remember much about it,” admitted an SFO spokesman. “The file on Arsehole Blair appears to have unaccountably placed in a cardboard box and filed in the hot water tank.”

“The chances of getting any kind of firm conviction out of this flamboyant crook are approximately zero,” he added apologetically, “As disgruntled former members of his collapsed party know only too well.”

Iraq Cities Celebrate US Withdrawal With Fireworks Displays

Barack Obama today thanked the Iraqi people for the somewhat over-enthusiastic fireworks put on in numerous Iraqi cities to express their gratitude for the peacekeeping work done over the years by withdrawing US forces.

“These spontaneous firework displays are a touching demonstration of the love and respect the ordinary people of Iraq feel for their departing American friends,” said the president, as news networks showed bright, colourful explosions taking place in Kut, Tikrit, Falluja, Basra, Mosul, Kirkuk, Ramadi and Karbala. “Our forces can leave with their heads held high, after successfully completing their mission of transforming Iraq from a nation living in fear to a bastion of freedom, peace and security.”

Thank you, America

Unlike traditional Western fireworks, in the Middle East they tend to be mounted inside cars or worn around the waist, and set off in crowded areas where the maximum number of people can share the experience,” he told American reporters. “Well, that’s their culture, and we celebrate it.”

At least 50 delighted Iraqis are thought to have enjoyed the displays so much that they came apart.

“This, too, is a cultural phenomenon common throughout the Middle East,” explained a sweating Mr Obama. “We show our appreciation by clapping - they show theirs by shedding limbs, heads and internal organs. It’s just a different way of doing things, which our soldiers have learned to recognise as just a regular everyday occurrence.”

“It’s just a shame those Iraqis can’t show their appreciation further by voting Democrat in our forthcoming mid-term elections,” he added.

James Bond Killed In Tragic Cost-Cutting Mishap

Britain’s foremost secret agent, James Bond, was found today dead in a holdall in his London apartment, in what MI6 chiefs are claiming was a tragic consequence of Whitehall budget-paring.

Right idea - wrong spy

“Clearly, Mr Bond was simply hoping to save the department a small fortune in travel expenses by travelling as freight to his next top-secret assignment,” explained M this afternoon. “Unfortunately, having successfully zipped himself into an item of luggage, he realised too late that he was unable to deliver himself to the post office, and tragically starved to death after struggling unsuccessfully to get out of the bag.”

M denied categorically that there was anything remotely sinister about the super-spy’s unfortunate demise, although she did add that Q had been dispatched to the nearest branch of TJ Hughes to procure baggage which would permit easier egress for secret agents in future.

“On behalf of the whole department, I’d like to thank Mr Bond’s considerate neighbour, Mr Jaws,” she added. “If he hadn’t become concerned about James’ inactivity and chewed through the door, we might never have discovered his fate. As a token of our gratitude, I shall be giving him a personal guided tour of the MI6 offices and introducing him to the team.”

“If only the minister hadn’t ordered us to cut Mr Bond’s entertainment budget,” she reflected. “If he had been sharing his apartment with an attractive Russian cellist or wealthy expatriate circus owner, this tragedy would never have happened.”

Wicked Animal Cruelty Woman Faces Vigilante Justice

Let's kill him, too

Baying crowds gathered today outside the home of an inexplicably cruel old lady who was captured on CCTV yesterday, wantonly swallowing fauna of increasing sizes.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw that sick, twisted woman pick up a poor little cat by the scruff of its neck, calmly place it in her mouth, swallow and walk on as if nothing had happened,” said a horrified people-hating animal lover after the footage was aired on national television in lieu of news. “But worse was to follow. A few minutes later she brazenly scooped up a Labrador and, ignoring the tearful protests of its distraught owner, she proceeded to consume the poor yelping doggie, lead and all.”

The woman – who is thought to have previously consumed a fly, a spider and a bird before progressing to mammalian victims – was chased back to her home by irate animal lovers.

Horrified RSPCA inspectors arrived on the scene just in time to hear the desperate mooing of a cow emanating from inside the house, which was abruptly cut off by a loud belch. Protesters said they had previously heard a pitiful high-pitched bleating.

When the RSPCA team’s knocks on the door were answered, they were greeted by the stomach-churning sight of the back end of a horse sticking out from the woman’s horribly-distended mouth. Goaded beyond restraint, the crowd surged forward, seized the wicked old lady and strung her up from the nearest lamp post.

“Tragically, this is a story which is repeated almost daily somewhere in this country of supposed animal lovers,” said a spokesman for the RSPCA later.

Camerons Torn Between Hideously Off-Message Cornish Baby Names

A welcome addition to Cornwall's tiny gene pool

Following the early arrival of David and Samantha Cameron’s fourth child in the middle of their Cornish holiday – proving to a delighted nation that the prime minister has passed one of the key requirements of a modern party leader, namely that his cock works – the happy couple are said to be rapidly regretting Mr Cameron’s ill-advised comment that the as yet unnamed baby girl would “have to have something Cornish in the middle”.

Hastily-dispatched spin doctors from Conservative Central Office flew down to Cornwall, where they swiftly embarked upon a damage limitation exercise.

“When people think of Cornwall – if, and it’s a very big if, they ever think of it at all – words like ‘bloody rip-off’, ‘chronic unemployment’ and ‘economic disaster area’ tend to be foremost in their minds,” admitted a smarmy prick called Damien. “About the only Cornwall-related word that immediately stands out as anything less than utterly inappropriate for the grand-daughter of a baronet and a viscountess on one side and a descendent of William IV on the other is ‘inbred’. But the tooth growing out of her forehead makes that rather superfluous.”

“We’ll probably surf YouTube for any fuzzy old clips of Poldark, and see if anything jumps out,” he added without enthusiasm. “But not Demelza - wasn’t she a bit of a tinker who married several miles above herself and never could quite figure out where to place the fish knives?”

X Factor Bosses Admit Using AutoTune To Disguise Droning Monotone Of Simon Cowell

X Factor producers admitted today that they used pitch-altering software AutoTune to add a simulation of human inflection to the soulless, dead noise that comes out of Simon Cowell’s robot head.

Suspicious fans jammed ITV switchboards to point out that they actually heard Cowell’s hollow voice vary in pitch by a whole semitone as its faceplate droned out its standard selection of repetitive stock phrases during Saturday’s broadcast.

Another X-Factor contestant comes off the production line

“Regrettably, producers do occasionally make use of superior Dalek technology in post-production,” admitted a spokesbot this morning from the X Factor’s orbital mothership. “It’s for technical reasons that inferior humanoid life forms would not understand, like inexplicably combining the inputs from several microphones even though every celebrity judge’s head unit is wired directly into the mixing desk.”

Simon Cowell itself was unavailable for comment, as it was in its recharging cubicle downloading routine software updates.

Meanwhile, performing cyborg Gamu Cyberman confessed to being a little off-key during its inanimate rendition of Katrina And The Waves hit ‘Walking On Sunshine’ during the audition.

“Self-diagnostic scan indicates possible intermittent malfunction in vocalisation subroutine,” it intoned. “Delete error and reboot.”

Labour Outsider Burnham Calls For ‘Pretend Socialism’

Mr Burnham's campaign team are full of fresh ideas

Labour leadership no-hoper Andy Burnham has promised that the Labour Party will implement a return to what he calls ‘Pretend Socialism’ from its commanding position on the opposition benches, in the supremely unlikely event that the other contenders are all run over by a bus.

“If by some capricious act of God I find myself leading the Labour Party, I will somehow bring about free transport for teenagers in education, some sort of graduate tax, the details of which I haven’t really thought through yet, apprenticeships paying the minimum wage and jam tomorrow,” he promised a stray dog that paused to cock its leg against his ankle.

“Don’t worry, though,” he added hastily, as the dog resumed its wandering. “None of that will mean lowly menials calling you ‘comrade’, or any such nonsense. It’s not real socialism, God forbid. It’s only make-believe stuff that looks good in the Guardian.”

Mr Burnham hastily explained that he was only talking about aspirational socialism, meaning that he cherished, deep within his heart, a wildly-optimistic hope to be somebody important in the Labour Party one day.

Britain Invades Cyberspace

Dr Fox looking out for deadly Taleban pixels

A swivel-eyed Dr Liam Fox today announced that Britain was sending troops into virtual reality, on a mission to eradicate the murderous Taleban terrorists lurking within the evil video game Medal of Honor.

“This disgusting game is utterly un-British,” the outraged Dr Fox told reporters as he emerged from a top-level COBRA meeting held in a broom cupboard at the Ministry of Defence. “As of this morning, combat-hardened British soldiers are entering cyberspace through a special light pipe constructed by the Royal Engineers, where they will hunt down and destroy any virtual Taleban units they encounter.”

“We will not flinch from our mission,” he insisted, as he ducked an imaginary flying shoe, “Until the only player-character options remaining to players are either humanitarian American or British peace-keeping forces, who will then be free to blast away merrily at each other in the customary blue-on-blue way.”

The BBC, he fervently claimed, has already sent teams of eager reporters to a special MoD Xbox, from which they will receive daily briefings on the progress of the cyber war from a highly-trained Tier 1 Media Operator.

As yet, there are no casualty reports other than Dr Fox, who was caught in a large butterfly net and led away from the press briefing, foaming at the mouth, by men in white coats.

People Of Pakistan Deeply Moved By British Flood Danger

This harrowing sight brings tears to the eyes of millions in Pakistan

Big-hearted Pakistanis are delving deep into their waterlogged pockets to donate funds to alleviate the terrible flash floods which are expected to devastate Britain tonight, according to charity relief workers.

“When an impoverished, backward nation like Great Britain is hit by a natural disaster of such awful magnitude, my heart goes out to the poor, simple people who invariably lose what little they have,” said tribal elder Muhammed Fadil Jarwar, treading water above his submerged house. “I’m sure my wife Husna would be the first to agree, if she wasn’t floating face-down somewhere downstream at the moment.”

“Sadly, most people dismiss Britain as nothing more than a fertile breeding ground for terrorists, run by an autocratic government which happily spends billions on nuclear weapons yet cares nothing for the terrible plight of ordinary people,” commented a missing farmer’s wife, Salwa Badini, from the top of a tree. “But I always think of the suffering peasants who scrape out a meagre living in remote rural villages which nobody has ever heard of, like Harbertonford, watching helplessly as their livelihoods are swept away by a raging torrent of muddy floodwater.”

“I shall be taking a deep breath and diving down to my home, to look for a rupee or two to send to the needy people of Britain in their time of need,” she promised. “While I’m there, I’ll see if I can find my children.”

Berliners Strangely Not Calling American Building Insensitive

Berliners not particularly upset by this symbol of foreign culture

As hundreds of angry Americans massed on the streets of New York to protest against the building of a mosque near the site of the World Trade Centre, no Germans were reported to be protesting about the presence of the US Embassy in Berlin, where over 20,000 civilians tragically lost their lives in three years of terror bombing.

“I’m really not that bothered, actually,” said passer-by Katrina Eberhart, 20. “I can appreciate that although a number of Americans planned to kill as many Germans as they could with large aircraft, such extreme acts of violence do not necessarily represent the hopes and aims of every single American on the planet.”

“Although, at the time, we Germans had a pretty high opinion of ourselves, I realise it was not necessarily a view endorsed by the rest of the world,” added her friend Romy Maurer. “In fact you could say that the way we treated other nations and races made Germans, to some degree, the engineers of our own misfortunes. Anyway, it’s in the past and the important thing is for people to understand and appreciate each other, isn’t it?”