Dr Clegg Diagnoses OCD In Lib Dem Party

Lib Dems think they can never wash the stains off

Dr Nick Clegg today confirmed that his patient, the Liberal Democrats party, was clearly suffering from a textbook case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

“It’s a tragic but sadly typical case, in which party members obsess constantly about every passing opinion poll and headline,” explained the mental specialist. “Now, a normal person like me also reads every day about cuts, kicking the poor and the sick and letting the bankers carry on rewarding themselves – but, unlike these unfortunate lunatics, I don’t let it dominate my life. I just fill my mind with page 3 girls, celebrity gossip and the football results, and remind myself what really matters in the real world – namely, that cabinet members like me are now being paid more than any other Liberal MP in history – and get on with enjoying life to the full.”

Twitching, nervous members of the Lib Dems have been put in straitjackets and bussed to a mental health arena in Liverpool, where Dr Clegg will begin addressing their affliction by telling them there is no need to keep themselves squeaky clean, and to stop worrying about whether any of their policies are still in place.

RAF Toys In Safety Recall

The RAF was left screaming and shouting in a massive sulk today, after its Typhoon Jet toys were taken away for an urgent safety recall.

The 60 toy planes were recalled by manufacturers British Airfix after the realistic ejector seat accidentally sprang out and lodged itself up the left nostril of the Spanish boy down the road.

“The Typhoon Jet Plane is a quality toy, as befits its £69 million price tag,” said a British Airfix spokesman. “Unfortunately, it appears that stupid foreign children who don’t read the instructions can cause accidents, so we’re gluing the ejector seat in to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

The RAF, however, refuses to be consoled.

If we don't say hello to it, this will blow up the whole world and everything

“I buyed my Typhoon Jets out of my own pocket money, I did really,” shouted the spoilt child. “Actually I didn’t really. I screamed and screamed and screamed at mummy and daddy and then they buyed them for me. But the Russian boy in the next street has a really really REALLY big model plane that his granddad maked for him out of sticks and paper and stuff and things, and it really flies and it's got propellyers and everything, and it flies right over our back garden and I wanted a lot of Typhoon Jets so I could throw them all up in the air every time so they could say HELLO! to the great big airyplane every time it flied over. And there it goes now look and I haven’t got any Typhoon Jets or anything else except Prince Willy and his rubbish helicopter which I didn’t even want cos they’re USELESS but mummy said they looked nice in the shop and now I’m REALLY REALLY CROSS!”

“WAH,” it added.

Vigilant Police Pull Five Terrorabbits Out Of Hat

The forces of law and order acted swiftly to counter claims of “draconian” security measures covering the British tour of Pope Benedict’s Mumbo-Jumbo Magic Show, by conjuring up five sleepy non-white terrorabbits from a hat at 5:45 this morning.

The long arm of the Metropolitan Police descended swiftly on the terrorabbits as they arrived for their duty shifts at Veolia Cleaning Product Testing Services’ depot in London. They were held on suspicion of committing, preparing, instigating or reading something about acts of terrorism, and of being wilfully foreign in a public place.

Police magicians are also reported to be inspecting several empty hutches in north and east London, which they promise will soon be chock-full of incriminating evidence.

“I am aware that some cynical killjoys have criticised the £1m fee the police are charging for their role in the Pope’s magic circus,” said Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson, whose previous spectacular stunts include piercing a Brazilian man with bullets in front of an amazed audience and putting him inside a box, lifting his gorgeous assistant Cressida out of the dock and turning a murder into a breach of health and safety regulations. “Well, I defy anybody to challenge this amazing stunt, which will surely generate a healthy income for us for the next few years.”

Meanwhile, the Pope, whose Party trick involves hiding a string of swastika-covered flags up his sleeve and making ten years of Nazi indoctrination magically disappear, hopes to amaze a specially-invited audience later on with a stunning array of implausible illusions - such as surprising even the most sceptical reporters by pulling fawning press coverage out of their open mouths, and of course his trademark trick of throwing a blanket over a filthy priest and making him appear spotless in another diocese many miles away.

This evil bastard was going to kill you

Heroic Prince Already Rescuing Himself

The royals - big on 'Captain Jack' retro chic isn't it. Standard

Prince William has begun his search-and-rescue career immediately after passing his RAF training course, by heroically pulling his own reputation out of the mire.

The royal heir was being dragged down into London’s most exclusive nightclubs, hopelessly entangled in a chain of stories involving himself and several large drinks, when his brand-new 23 Squadron SAR badge miraculously appeared out of nowhere and fastened itself securely onto his chest.

Although, as second-in-line to the throne, the dashing prince is barred from risking his precious neck on frontline duties, he will be allowed to sit next to a real pilot in a rescue helicopter - as long as it doesn’t involve flying anywhere near mountainous terrain or ships’ masts in Force 12 storms – and take full control of the GPS and the thermos of coffee.

The Prince is expected to receive a posting to RAF Bougis, where he will spend the next three years, with possible short-term deployments to military bases like the Falklands for photogenic reconnaissance missions.

Vatican Presented With Cut Out ’n’ Keep Identification Guide To The Third World

Catholic spin doctors as still trying to come up with some kind of plausible explanation for Cardinal Hitler Kasper’s views on Britain, which are threatening to overshadow the Pope’s state visit.

After the 77-year-old German prepared to fly into the UK, he told reporters that "when you land at Heathrow you think at times you have landed in a Third World country." He was promptly pushed back into his taxi by red-faced Vatican officials, who explained that the Cardinal was clearly suffering from advanced gout of the head.

“Cardinal Kasper was obviously referring to the militant state atheism which makes Britain indistinguishable from North Korea, especially after you’ve finished off the communion wine,” said a sweating PR priest. “No? OK, try this – he was merely making a jocular reference to all the jungle bunnies… er… degenerate melting pot of inferior races… er… can I get back to you on this?”

Britain’s ambassador to the postage stamp-sized religious city-state – which, having a birth rate of zero, is composed entirely of immigrants - later presented the Vatican with a helpful guide to spotting Third World countries, which includes the following helpful tips on a handy cut-out cribsheet:

1. Is governed solely according to whim of charismatic leader appointed by self-perpetuating oligarchy;

2. Stages frequent highly-orchestrated public spectacles full of spurious pageantry;

3. Places petty minor officials in every neighbourhood, interfering with every aspect of private life;

4. Cultivates blind obedience and widespread ignorance in poverty-stricken subjects;

5. Blithely ignores world opinion;

6. Badly-equipped army maintains order by hiring foreign mercenaries.

A typical third world army

‘Yes, We Are Utter Shits – What Of It?’ Bank Governor Lets It Slip

Are any of these people wearing a cloth cap? Don't be silly

Bank of England Governor Mervyn King today confessed to the TUC annual congress that yes, bankers are reckless thieving shits and no, there isn’t bugger all that the unions can do about it.

“You may be thinking that the banking profession is rammed to the rafters with evil, grasping weasels who care absolutely nothing for the widespread misery they have caused by their cynical trashing of the global economy,” he told fuming delegates. “Well, you’re absolutely right. Yes we are. And your point is…?”

“Well, boo hoo. Here’s how it works,” he explained. “We spend every day in a great big casino, being paid silly amounts to slap your pension fund down on a big roulette table – except, instead of numbers, it has loads of made-up names that nobody pretends to understand, like ‘Structured Investment Vehicle’. If it comes up, we get a huge bonus, we slap down your winnings, and we carry on betting. If it doesn’t, we get a huge bonus, we tell the government of the day to give us the rest of your money, and we carry on betting. Then, when we lose that, we give ourselves another huge bonus, tell the government to give us an IOU for all the money you’ll make for the rest of your miserable lives, and we carry on betting.”

“Now, the more astute among you may possibly have spotted that you have absolutely no input whatsoever at any point in the proceedings,” he continued with a smile. “Well, that’s absolutely correct – because, if you did, you might well decide that the best plan was to turn around and walk out of the casino with all your money. And then we bankers would have nothing to do except order some drinks, which we’d even have to pay for out of our own pockets. Whoops – I let it slip.”

“So that leaves me with one question, which is why I’ve come here today,” he concluded. “How exactly do you think a national strike is going to affect this process? Help me out here, because we’ve been laughing and scratching our heads over it all week.”

Washed-Up Snackhead Like Totally Freaked Out By Prison Sentence

Zoinks indeed

Shaggy, the half-forgotten snack addict who used to be on TV all the time in the 70s and 80s, was reported to still be “totally freaking” as he started an eight-week custodial sentence in Pentonville for being zonked out whilst in charge of a motor vehicle.

The notorious stoner was clearly nervous as he stood in the dock, with huge droplets of sweat leaping from his head as the prosecution described how he was found by the Hampstead sheriff slumped at the wheel of the Mystery Machine and covered in tell-tale Scooby Snack crumbs, after crashing it into old Mr Peters’ photography shop in the hick town’s main street.

Summing up, district judge John Perkins said that, although he had taken Shaggy’s charitable work into account – namely, the unmasking of several devious villains, who had been scaring the townsfolk away by rather implausibly dressing up as monsters and spooks – he could not ignore the defendant’s previous record of driving away from ghostly projections in a reckless manner, nor his string of previous snack-abuse convictions.

When the sentence was delivered, Shaggy leapt to his feet, gasped “Zoinks!” and began revving his legs on the spot like flywheels, causing some damage to the floor of the courtroom as two burly ushers seized his arms and dragged him back to the cells, his legs still flailing helplessly.

In a statement on the courtroom steps after the trial, Fred, his long-term partner, told the press that Shaggy “would have got clean away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those pesky plods.”

Britain Bravely Sets Sail For Pacific Rim

Third-Rate Officer George Lightosborne today took the wheel of Britain and set a course in the general direction of the Pacific Rim, which will be the country’s new home.

As the Band of the Institute for Public Policy Research led the nation’s second-class passengers in a sentimental lament about the working poor, Mr Lightosborne successfully navigated the majestic behemoth away from the rest of Europe and the developed world, before handing the wheel to cabin boy Clegg and taking the microphone to address the passengers and crew.

“Ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you, this is your new Third-Rate Officer speaking. Perhaps you’d like to wave one last farewell to your old hopes and dreams,” he announced. “I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to tell you the destination of this mystery cruise yet - but rest assured, there will be plenty of sunshine where we’re going. Now, I have some general announcements to make:

“Captain Cameron regrets that, due to pressing family matters which he is discussing with the Purser, he will not be joining first-class passengers at the captain’s table tonight. However, he assures them that he has put on a lavish spread for them all, and cordially invites them to tuck in with gusto.”

“Second-class passengers are advised to deposit any valuables and cash they might be carrying into the care of the ship’s purser for safe keeping during the voyage and after. A list of excursions will be posted later for those wishing to sample the hospitality of other countries.

I would remind all steerage passengers that they must strictly observe the notices showing them which areas of the nation are off-limits - specifically the dining lounge, the infirmary, the library, the crèche and the promenade decks. Now, it saddens me to say this, but it has been brought to my attention that some of you claim to be dissatisfied with the conditions deep in the bowels of the nation, and that a malcontent element is muttering about making your grievances known to the better class of passengers. Let me assure you that your welfare is receiving my closest attention, and meanwhile perhaps I should point out that the locker has been opened and the stewards issued with the necessary means to keep order.

“Now some brighter news. Nervous passengers will no doubt be relieved to hear that all those worrying lifeboat drills have been cancelled. I would just remind you all that, in case of emergency, the lifeboats are reserved on a strictly first-class, first-served basis. Any spaces remaining will be allocated fairly by - and for - officers.

"Finally, some housekeeping matters. The crew are formally notified that, following a company review of staffing levels, all lower ranks - apart from the chefs and valets serving the upper deck, and the stewards - have been deemed surplus to requirements. Redundant crew members are asked to collect their papers from the Purser at the end of their shifts, when they will be allocated hot-bunking space in the steerage section. Thank you for listening, and bon voyage.”

Mr Lightosborne then retired to the navigator’s office, to pore over his charts of South East Asia for the most suitable permanent mooring for Britain in order to provide service-sector support to the growing middle classes of the developing world.

There was then an almighty, shuddering crash as Britain was struck amidships by a vast floating debt, which officers breezily assured the frightened passengers was well within the unsinkable nation’s capacity to withstand.

The last known photograph of Britain, steaming gloriously over the horizon

Big-Hearted Iain Duncan Smith Leaps To Defence Of Territory

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith angrily defended his patch today, following the publication of a leaked letter from chancellor George Osborne which targets the sick and disabled for a £2.5bn cut.

This idle scrounger could easily tow a bus or something

In the letter, Mr Osborne tells his fellow Tory: “Given the pressure on overall public spending in the coming period, we – meaning I - will need to continue developing further options to reform the benefits as part of the spending review process in order to deliver further savings, greater simplicity and stronger work incentives. Reform to the employment support allowance is a particular priority and I am pleased to inform you that you, the prime minister and I have agreed to press ahead with reforms to the Employment Support Allowance as part of the spending review that will deliver net savings of at least £2.5bn by 2014-15."

A visibly seething Mr Duncan Smith immediately called a press conference, in which he whispered furiously that kicking people when they were down was his job and his alone.

"I am looking at a range of options for welfare reform,” he raged quietly, “And any decisions I make will be made in the context of my spending review. My reforms will ensure that the most vulnerable in our society are protected from the chancellor’s arbitrary cuts and subjected to mine instead, thank you very much."

As usual, a spokesman for the sick and the disabled was not available for comment, as the lazy bastards apparently can’t even be bothered to appoint a lobbying company to handle their PR, the amateurs.

However, the tabloid press promised faithfully that they would spare no effort to find plenty of typical bloody ESA fiddlers over the coming week.

Government Faces Tough Call - A Compassionate Society Or Two Brand Spanking New Aircraft Carriers

Admit it, this is so much sexier than a welfare state

Parliament will be facing a difficult decision in the next few weeks, according to figures released by the Treasury today – whether to maintain the pretence of a welfare state, or go ahead with a couple of unnecessary aircraft carriers which have no suitable aircraft and insufficient personnel to operate them.

Out of the £5bn optimistically earmarked to build the white elephants, admitted a Treasury official, £1.25bn has already been irrevocably signed over to the builders, BAe, and their subcontractors - even if their keels were to be scrapped on the stocks tomorrow.

“Look, it’s very simple,” said an MoD spokesman. “If the people of Britain really want a society in which poor people are free to be persecuted, vilified and hopefully rendered homeless simply for the crime of being poor, then they will jolly well have to fork out a few billion to defend that way of life. And that means two undermanned floating football pitches. Now pay the man.”