The BBC has ended months of speculation by announcing that, after 35 years in the role, the revered Lord Wogan has decided to end his reign as silly-commentator for the Eurovision Song Contest. His place (and sherry) will be taken by Graham Norton, another irritating Irishman well past his sell-by date.
“According to a little-known rule of the European Broadcasting Union, the UK’s commentator must come from Ireland,” said a BBC spokesman. “Sadly, that puts Nick Griffin of the BNP out of the running. Don’t be too upset, though - the same rules mean that eleven other countries must have British commentators moaning about the entries, the hosts, the sets, and the voting system. For example, the considered opinions of art critic Brian Sewell have the Russians crying with laughter, while Germany ponders the uproarious wit of Basil Brush, Serbia respects the brutal authority of glaring slaphead Ross Kemp and Israel is just plain baffled by Mark Lawrenson. Meanwhile, the French get Jeremy Paxman, and serve them right.”
Vulgar camp stereotype Norton had to beat off stiff competition from other Irish funny-men to grab the proud post, however.
“Dylan Moran was ruled out at an early stage, as his brand of nihilistic despair might lead particularly grief-stricken viewers to commit suicide,” explained the spokesman, "And while Dara O’Briain’s whimsical sarcasm might fit well, many of our older viewers tend to confuse him with Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. Conversely, thanks to his starring role in My Hero, Ardal O’Hanlon is a firm favourite with that age group - but millions of Father Ted fans would like to kill him, for the same reason. And anyway, he’s already been hired by Lithuania.”
Easily-pleased, cloth-eared Eurovision addicts are already bouncing up and down with glee in anticipation of next year’s contest, leading to record advance sales of tranquilisers in the residential care sector.
Meanwhile, Lord Wogan issued a statement calling for “a bloody good war“.
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