Saturday, 15 May 2010

Labour Leadership Contest Overrun By Miliband Clones

The battle is on to see which soulless machine politician will take the helm of the Labour Party, with a flood of Miliband clones throwing their identical hats into the ring.

After Miliband Two threw down the gauntlet to his brother Miliband One, Miliband after Miliband stepped from a throbbing metal casket operated by former prime minister Tony Blair to offer party members a tantalising array of choices.

“Brotherly love will survive, because brotherly love is stronger than politics,” chorused the army of Miliband candidates, staring blankly ahead.

Miliband One is expected to focus his campaign on economic and social issues, while Miliband Two is likely to make social and economic issues a priority. The agendas of Milibands Three to n are not yet known, and seasoned observers say it would be rash at this stage to make any guesses.

The few members of the Labour Party who are not also members of the Miliband family are waiting to find out if Ed Balls seriously believes that anyone likes him, whilst backbench MP Jon Cruddas – thought to be the last remaining socialist on Earth – is locked in talks with Mrs Miliband over the possibility of adoption, fuelling rumours that he has already booked an appointment with a leading Harley Street plastic surgeon.

Friday, 14 May 2010

Doubts Raised Over Government’s Unnatural Plan To Create World’s First Deliberately-Conjoined Twins

There is growing unease in parliament over the new coalition government’s monstrous plan to permanently conjoin the mad Dr David Frankameron and his slow-witted assistant Igor Clegg for five years, creating the world’s first artificial Siamese twins.

“What will happen if one half of the hideous thing decides it wants to do something its twin doesn’t like?” demanded a horrified Lord Polidonis, addressing a shouting rabble of terrified bumpkins in the Westminster village inn. “The stronger half will always be able to impose his will upon the weaker - and no matter how hard Igor struggles, he won’t be able to break free. Even if he died, his lifeless corpse would still be dragged around by Dr Frankameron until this ghastly, unnatural experiment is over.”

The evil government is nevertheless determined to go ahead with its insane plan to force the scrawny Lib Dem body to remain attached to the stronger Conservatives for the entire test period, unless 55% of the horrified villagers rise up and besiege the castle with a vote of no confidence.

“I really don’t see what all the fuss is about,” raged the crazed Dr Frankameron, desperately preparing himself for surgery as the storm clouds gathered overhead. “Fusing myself to my shambling idiot assistant is the most pressing issue facing Britain today. How can we ever hope to lead Britain into a new golden age, if we are constantly toiling under the ever-present threat of being forced by these uncomprehending yokels to flee whenever we do anything that Igor’s big toe doesn’t happen to agree with?”

“Oh! You are so evil, master,” cackled an admiring Igor, as his master strapped him to a bloodstained table.

'We Fuck You Longtime,' Thai Government Promises Protesters

The Foreign Office is advising sweaty, balding men to postpone their sex holidays to Bangkok until Thailand stops exploding.

The advice came as the British Embassy in the strife-hit capital closed its doors in the face of widespread civil disorder, turning away a frantic crowd of middle-aged losers desperately seeking visas for their teenaged brides.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva appears to be running out of patience with the red-shirted backers of corrupt former leader Thaksin Shinawatra. Last night, rebel general ‘Commander Red’ gave New York Times journalist Thomas Fuller the scoop of a lifetime by living up to his name and spraying the delighted reporter with blood as a sniper shot him in the head in the middle of an interview – and today an explosion was heard in Bangkok’s business district, where the army is trying to seal off the protesters.

Three journalists are said to have been shot as they tried to cover the excitingly telegenic spread of violence whilst heroically trying to play down the inconvenient moral quagmire of the heavy-handed prime minister having previously been reported in the west as a moderate, Oxford-educated underdog who enjoyed massive popular support – in stark contrast to his predecessor, who had until recently been depicted as a dictatorial kleptomaniac loathed by the entire population of Thailand.

In the meantime, thousands of British tourists face a long wait before they can once more bring their economic aid to the sloe-eyed ladyboys of whatever remains of Bangkok’s famous red-light district.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Home Secretary Orders Arrest of Westminster Same-Sex Partners

Theresa May’s first act as Home Secretary has been to issue a warrant for the arrest of a notorious same-sex couple whose cruising activities in Westminster have been exposed on the front pages of several national newspapers.

Mrs May – who has a long history of voting against gay-friendly legislation – has also been made Minister For Equality, in a move which has been hailed as the most imaginative appointment to parliamentary office since Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman gave the health portfolio to Count Dracula in 1905.

“If these two mincing nancies want to romp together in the same bed, what they do behind closed doors – no matter how offensive it may be to decent people - is their own sordid business,” she shuddered at a press conference today. “But surely, in the run-up to a general election, there were more important things to occupy our media than two raging poofters flagrantly sitting in a bed together.”

“This morning I picked up my morning paper, only to drop it right into my bowl of bran flakes in horrified disgust,” she went on and on. “There they were - bold as brass - all over the front page, acting out their stomach-churning travesty of a proper marriage. Now I like to think of myself as open-minded, but I just can’t bear to think what they’ll be getting up to with each other’s parties. They’re probably ‘touching base’ with each other, or whatever it’s called nowadays, even as I speak. It makes me physically sick. No, I really don’t want to think about it. Ugh.”

The flushed home secretary then went back to her office to think about it some more.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to announce some policies what he wrote, after which his shoulders and cheeks will be slapped by Deputy PM Nick Clegg.

Alcoholism Hailed As Miracle Cure For Combat Stress

British soldiers who have served in the front lines of Iraq and Afghanistan have developed an immunity to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by drinking themselves into a stupor for the rest of their lives, according to exciting new research for the MoD carried out by researchers at King’s College London.

The survey of 10,000 personnel - published in the Lancet - found that, despite almost a decade of armed conflict, only 4% of UK personnel suffered from horrifying flashbacks, recurrent nightmares and crippling depression, compared to US rates as high as 15%.

“It looks like our troops have stumbled upon a natural antidote to stress previously overlooked by psychiatry,” commented research team leader Dr Nicola Fear. “Ten or twelve cans of Carlsberg a day seems to do the trick.”

“Hic,” added co-leader Professor Simon Wobbely.

“Post Stramotic Dress Distemper is for girly boys, like the US Marines,” said expert army limb-chopper Brigadier Mark Dee-Tremens of the RAMC. “I preshcribe my lucky lads a six-pack of cooking lager every morning, - chin chin, old boy - and another in the evening to be taken before lightsh out.”

“And a litre or two of wine for the ladies,” he continued as he slid down behind his desk.

Military mental health experts say they are confident that becoming mumbling, glassy-eyed alcoholics will present no hindrance to soldiers seeking to integrate themselves back into civilian life once they leave the services, as the general population has been drinking itself stupid for years to cope with the mind-blasting awfulness of trudging through the tragic futility of their insignificant existence in the 21st century.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Thatcher Returns

Within minutes of returning to Downing Street after meeting the Queen and admiring the curtains, David Cameron stepped outside, unzipped his face and tore it off to reveal the loathsome features of a Margaret Thatcher horribly rejuvenated by evil scientists.

Mrs Thatcher immediately vowed to kill and eat each and every one of you with less than £500,000 in capital, prompting a rush for the ports and airports as the terrified population tried to flee the country.

Other government policies likely to be implemented by the evil Thatcher thing are likely to include selling the BBC to News Corporation for a token £1, a share flotation of the NHS promoted by an irritating cartoon badger and the conversion of the Royal Navy’s surface fleet to oar power, pending the enslavement of the unemployed, the disabled and pensioners.

Meanwhile, the purple-faced electorate continues to wail in anguish at being given the sort of consensus-based government it wanted so desperately before the election, taking just six days to complete a political round trip it took Germans ten years to cover in the twenties.

That Historic Coalition Government In Full

With the formation of Britain’s first coalition government since 1945, just what are the key political assignations ceded to the Liberal Democrats?

Deputy Dawg: Nick Clegg. Mr Clegg will use this key position to radically influence the new government’s policies, in much the same way that John Prescott influenced Tony Blair.
Stationery Cupboard: Vince Cable. Armed with his trusty Casio fx-85, the redoubtable Lib Dem financial wizard will bring his formidable calculator to bear on Whitehall’s stocks of pastel-shaded A4.
Flowerpot Man: Chris Huhne. The other Liberal Democrat the public have heard of will be responsible for telling the public we’re all going to die at regular intervals. The messages, that is. Not the dying.
Head Prefect: possibly David Laws. Mr Laws is expected to receive a shiny badge.
Pict-Goader: possibly Danny Alexander. The incumbent will have the key role of being moaned at rather a lot by the SNP.

Meanwhile, the Green Party has opened its hairy arms to any Lib Dem MPs terrified at the prospect of having some responsibility for the first time in their lives.

Hung Parliament Special

Wah, Says Public

The British public started crying petulantly last night when the Liberal Democrats did what they said they were going to do, and is still wailing today.

Special emergency teams are being flown in from Britain’s grown-up neighbours to pick up all the rattles, which are knee-deep in many areas.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

UK Now A Dictatorship, Says Global Media Organisation Answerable to One Man

In less than a week the United Kingdom has lurched from democracy to dictatorship, according to secretive media overlord Rupert Murdoch’s propaganda tool, the Sun.

Those 10 Tell-Tale Signs Of A Dictator

1. Unelected
2. Secretive
3. Repressive
4. Control Freak
5. Tells People What To Think
6. Hates Ordinary Citizens
7. Will Do Deals With Anybody To Consolidate Power
8. Supports Unwinnable Wars
9. Marries Younger Woman
10. Steps Down For The Public Good

Later editions of the Sun carry nine tell-tale signs of a dictator, whilst leaked reports from paper’s headquarters say the corridors are filled with speculation about who will put themselves forward for the soon-to-be-vacated post of junior features writer.

NHS: ‘Say What You Like About Hitler But Boy, Could He Motivate People’

West Midlands Ambulance Service has defended asking staff to rate Hitler’s coolness in a survey, pointing out that the most evil man in history “galvanised a nation into doing something quite unusual.”

The survey, entitled “Making Mass Murder of the Sick Cool: How Emerging Leaders Wish To Be Managed And Supported”, was distributed to 4,000 members of staff, along with a cyanide gas cylinder for each ambulance.

A spokesman for the service later screamed at reporters: “The staff involved were not trying to cause offence to anybody. If they had, they wouldn’t have issued a questionnaire – they would simply have annexed A&E and overrun Birmingham City Hospital.”

"In discussing different styles of leadership, a survey which is one small part of the project sought to include an analysis of the dictatorial style,” he added. “With hindsight, it would have been better to have used a different example to illustrate this. Maybe Gordon Brown – whoops, sorry, he was in the survey too."

Monday, 10 May 2010

Australian Director Under Fire For Having No Elderly Chinese Relatives To Cast

The director of an Australian TV series about the Gallipoli campaign has been accused of “whiting out” history, after rewriting the script to make a Chinese-Australian hero Caucasian.

Billy Sing, the son of a Chinese father and white mother, was known as ‘the Gallipoli assassin’ for his bravery in battle, which earned him the Distinguished Conduct Medal. However, director Geoff Bigot says that, after unsuccessfully scouring his entire family tree for a male Chinese actor aged about 60, he was left with no option but to rewrite the character as a white man.

“Then I fossicked the whole of Oz for a whitefella to play the part of a whitefella,” he added. “But strewth, I drew a total blank there too. But tinny me, then I remembered that my son Nepot happens to be just the right colour, or the whole production would have carked it for sure.”

“Now all these chows are giving me a curry,” he added. “Yeah, that’d be right.”

EU To Spend Money It Doesn’t Have To Prevent Damage Caused By Country That Spent Money It Didn’t Have

European finance ministers have agreed on a brilliant economic plan to save the eurozone from being dragged into the yawning fiscal vacuum created by Greece, which involves throwing 750bn euros they don’t have into the hole after it.

The world’s money casino wobbled precariously on Friday, when the EU announced plans to throw a notional 110bn euros directly at Greece, with gamblers casting nervous glances at large cracks appearing in the walls of the vast capitalist edifice.

“Today’s EU decision makes me feel slightly less frightened that the roof is about to fall in,” said investment banker Nick Stuff as he pushed another pension fund into a slot machine. “But the scaffolding has already gone up, and workmen are papering banknotes over the cracks. My confidence is returning. Come on baby - three lemons, three lemons! Give it up for daddy.”

Futures trader Rob Blind summed up the mood of the market when he told the Nev Filter: “Thanks to the EU’s finance ministers, I now have a huge reserve supply of chips to play with. OK, so they don’t actually exist, but as long as we all pretend they do we can carry on betting. That’s got to be better than closing the casino, right? Right.”

Britain fought a rearguard action over pouring billions it doesn’t have into a fund that saves the faces of eurozone members whilst leaving the British economy even further exposed. However, a shirtless Alistair Darling later explained his about-face decision to reporters by likening Britain’s relationship with the other economies of the EU to a third-class carriage tacked onto the end of an express train with a sobbing suicidal driver, hurtling through the night at frightening speed along a mountainside track towards a bridge whose central span had collapsed.

“Of course, we could always jump out of our compartment,” admitted the shivering chancellor of the exchequer, “but we’d just bounce thousands of feet down the mountainside to the same grisly death. So we might as well turn up the steam heating and savour these last few minutes of existence in some comfort.”

Meanwhile, the world’s money markets are peering into the darkness and eagerly placing bets on how many minutes will pass before the EU train reaches the bridge.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Judgment of Solomon Offers Way Out Of Political Deadlock

A royally-appointed surgical team is today preparing to divide Nick Clegg down the middle, giving half of the Liberal Democrat leader to the Labour Party and half to David Cameron.

“Both parties want Nick Clegg, but they can’t both have him,” pointed out consultant buzz-saw operator Yon Yonson, who comes from Wisconsin (he works in a lumber mill there). “The people I meet as I walk down the street say, ‘Hey, what’s your position on the importance of electoral reform?’ Since Mr Clegg seems to be the stumbling block which has paralysed the government of Britain at a crucial time when hard decisions need to be made, I have been asked by the Queen to remove the obstacle. She has been up since Thursday night, pumped up on Pro Plus and Red Bull, and she says she can’t stay awake forever waiting for these dozy sods to stop playing silly buggers and come to her with a viable government.”

“Well, that’s what Prince Philip told me, anyway,” he added.

Mr Clegg was ceremonially seized at dawn by parliamentary officials led by Black Rod, who expertly bundled him into the Woolsack and solemnly processed back to Westminster Hall, the time-hallowed venue for the traditional ceremony of dismemberment.

Tory leader David Cameron has also been dragged to Westminster, where his left side is being planed down in preparation for his forthcoming Clegg-graft. The limpet-like prime minister is still holed up in his Downing Street fortress - although unmistakeable sounds of subterranean excavation can be heard emanating from number 11, where Chancellor Alistair Darling is said to be co-operating fully with a crack SAS prime ministerial extraction squad.

“We will have to trim the left of Mr Brown’s body once he becomes available for a Clegg transplant,” said Mr Yonson. “This may seem bizarre, but I have been assured that Britain’s quaint unwritten constitution is quite clear on the matter. Party leaders must be spliced together according to their political beliefs. To do otherwise would be deeply undemocratic.”

Impatient European leaders desperate to come to some kind of working solution to the imminent meltdown of the entire continent’s economic structure say they are ready to be confronted by a bleeding horrific two-faced monstrosity from Britain, as they have plenty of previous experience in this area.

“It’ll be just like the 80s all over again,” said EU President Hermann van Rumpuy. “We managed then and we’ll manage now. Happy days.”