You May Not Actually Be Worth It, Claim Scientists

In a shocking report that spells certain death to the cosmetics industry, a team of scientists from University College London has suggested that women who frantically trowel gallons of cream onto their creased, pock-marked faces may not look 17 forever after all.

The researchers manipulated the genes of nematode worms into eliminating so-called super-oxides, or free radicals, from their bodies - but found that the test subjects still aged at the same rate as unmodified worms.

“Look out, girls, here comes the science bit,” said Dr David Gems, a bespectacled man in a white lab coat with an aluminium clipboard. “That bollocks you keep hearing about anti-oxidants means absolutely sod all, since all available evidence indicates that women are not in fact susceptible to rusting.

“It may also come as a surprise to many of you, but even those eye-wateringly expensive ones in tiny jars that you buy in wanky boutiques are as predictably useless as the glorified wallpaper paste your gran buys by the bucket in the pound shop.

“Anti-oxidant diets? They’re a load of absolute arse, too,” he went on mercilessly, pointing to an impressive computer animation of a kidney bean morphing itself into a pair of saggy bum-cheeks. “You can eat beans till they’re coming out of your ears, ladies. Just because you’re farting like a herd of cows that’s overdosed on Rennie, it doesn’t mean you’ve magically reacquired the wrinkle-free skin of your childhood.”

Tragically for middle-class women who read the Guardian, this is just as true of macrobiotic fair-trade beans grown by happy, indigenous hill-farmers in Africa as it is of a tin of GM crap from the Tesco Value range.

The UCL scientists say they are planning to move on to researching whether painting your hair matt black makes you look like anything other than a wizened old crone who still thinks in guineas and believes that buying lottery scratchcards in bulk is in some way a valid use of the little time remaining to her while she waits for her long-overdue appointment with the Grim Reaper.

“You are getting older. We all are. Get used to the idea,” urged Dr Gems from under a tropical waterfall, before hurrying off to explain to a cute, wide-eyed toddler that there was no such person as Father Christmas.