Saturday, 29 May 2010

Dunkirk Remembered - By The BNP

Today we remember those fateful far-off days, now 70 years ago, when the tattered remnants of the British National Expeditionary Force were completely surrounded by ghastly foreign bastards on a small beach on the wrong side of the White English Channel, and how their miraculous rescue by a flotilla of little shits has become the stuff of legend.

The precise reasons for the British National Expeditionary Force being in the land of wine-guzzling Johnny Frog need not concern us too deeply. Suffice it to say that Hitler had the right idea, but his fatal flaw was that he was a bloody foreigner. Thousands of patriotic white Englishmen – and let’s not forget that, despite what the revisionist mainstream parties would have you believe, our inclusive forces also featured many loyal Jocks, Micks and Taffies in minor non-combatant roles – had faithfully answered their country’s call to arms in its hour of need, to crush Hitler’s jackbooted Paki hordes which threatened to wipe out thousands of years of white civilisation. Predictably, after being let down by our so-called European ‘partners’, faithful Billy Atkins and his white comrades-in-arms were trapped with their backs to the sea, facing the most ignominious defeat in white history.

Fortunately, however, salvation was at hand. Back in dear old Blighty, BNP founder-member Winston Churchill – at that time sidelined by the homosexual Establishment and vilified in the communist-dominated press just for standing up and being proud to be British – realised that something had to be done to save the British National Expeditionary Force from a massacre. So he got on the blower and selflessly set about doing something for others - a trait unique, of course, to the morally-superior white race.

One of the many establishment-spread lies that still endures about Dunkirk is that there was no air cover. The long-suppressed truth is that, although the beleaguered heroes on the beach-head swore that the UK Air Party were giving them no support whatsoever, in fact the doughty moustachioed warriors of the skies were just out of sight, fighting a brave battle over Brussels. For example, heroic Brylcreem boy Nigel Farage fearlessly towed his wing commander’s pennant into the air against overwhelming odds, only to prang his iconic and 100% British-made Stuka on the shoreline - to cruelly misplaced jeers from the very lads he was trying to help!

Meanwhile, as our white boys took ineffectual pot-shots at the circling darky bombers threatening their traditional way of life, Winston’s plucky little shits were steaming valiantly to the rescue. Our brave lads scrambled furiously over the mole who leaked the membership list and clambered aboard the flimsy rescuing shits, which often came close to sinking. And it was with heavy heart that the last of the shits finally sailed over the horizon – tragically abandoning plucky young Lt. Nick Griffin, who was left behind after fighting a hopeless rearguard action, only to be completely overrun at the last minute.

And so our dauntless fighting boys returned empty-handed but unbowed to dear old Blighty, where they bravely kept up the unequal fight against the Paki menace with whatever they could improvise - such as hastily-manufactured shit-throwers made, with typical white ingenuity, entirely out of old t-shirts.

And so the British National Expeditionary Force passed into history. Let all patriotic white Englishmen stand together and say with pride that, at the going-down-the-pan of the Daily Mail, we will remember them.

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Friday, 28 May 2010

Tories Complete Unlikely Beatification of Alastair Campbell

The hitherto-inconcievable beatification of Alastair Campbell only awaits the approval of the Pope, after the government wailed petulantly and threw its toys at the BBC for having the cheek to book the Labour Party’s liar-in-chief for tonight’s Question Time instead of some dolt from the shadow cabinet who isn't too busy running around trying to collect nominations for the party's leadership contest.

“How dare the BBC field somebody who is skilled at answering back?” intoned creepy backbench android John Redwood, the last-minute stand-in in for David Laws, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, who pulled out in protest and is making repeated efforts to hold his breath until he turns blue. “The government expects to be given an easy target - Liam Byrne, maybe, or Bob Ainsworth - to hold up to public ridicule.”

The transformation of Mr Campbell from hated spinmeister to revered icon has been one of the most remarkable political journeys ever taken by a partisan civil servant. After years of being reviled by the nation for his blatant lies about the circumstances leading up to the invasion of Iraq, Mr Campbell began to elicit sympathy from TV viewers when he appeared to suffer a complete nervous breakdown during a relentless interrogation by the BBC’s dreaded Andrew Marr, bursting into tears shortly after inserting a shallot into his right nostril.

Next, Mr Campbell unexpectedly lifted the hearts of the nation in the dark days of the interregnum following the election, remaining calm and unruffled when Sky News’ political editor on behalf of the Conservative Party, Adam Boulton, unexpectedly went berserk live on air and physically attacked him by repeatedly jabbing a potentially lethal finger at himself.

Now he finds himself the unwitting victim of a clumsy, failed attempt by Downing Street to interfere with the editorial independence of the BBC.

“I’m expecting to receive my halo from His Holiness any day now,” admitted Mr Campbell. “He understands very well the value of a first-rate propagandist - in fact, he tells me he had it drummed into him in childhood.”

Meanwhile, BBC bosses say they are surprised that nobody has yet objected to the inclusion of Piers Morgan in tonight’s broadcast.

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Stephen Fry Makes Impassioned Plea For 64Gb

Past-its-sell-by-date panel game host Stephen Fry today threw his last remaining shreds of credibility to the wind as he fearlessly led a demonstration in support of inhuman conditions for Chinese workers outside the flagship Apple Store in London.

“Gooooooooooooooooooooood morning, good morning, good morning! I’m Stephen Fry,” oozed Britain’s leading polymath to an unaccountably self-important till operative, “Have you got a shimmery-shiny new 64Gb iPad with 3G, piping hot and freshly furnished straight from the mysterious land of Cathay, where its unfathomably sumptuous workings were amassed and assembled by inscrutably suicidal drones whose wretched lives are nowhere near as fabulously replete with exquisite loveliness as my own humble existence?”

“And I won’t take 32Gb for an answer!” chortled the mellifluous star of Kingdom, ITV1’s ground-breaking drama about a fat solicitor.

Moments later, the jowly intellectual giant of BBC1 emerged to rousing cheers, waving his prized toy computer above his head and promising to put it to immediate use by taunting his pet idiot Alan Davies, who is still desperately struggling to fathom the correct usage of the % button on the calculator he bought in secondary school – although, unlike his effusive owner, he does seem to have a faint idea that there may be something not quite right about a factory where almost half a million people regularly work 12-hour shifts before being taken back to the dormitory compound to either collapse in a state of despondent exhaustion or hurl themselves off the roof to a welcome death.

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Thursday, 27 May 2010

Apple Now World’s Leading Evil Corporate Monstrosity

Apple - the bullying corporate exploiters it’s cool to like - today became the largest technology company, beating the hated Microsoft into second place.

Apple shares soared on Nasdaq, as traders toasted the eagerly-awaited launch of a US Department of Justice anti-trust investigation into the groovy exploding-gadget giant’s attempt to bully music companies into boycotting an Amazon promotion.

The latest must-have inquiry will complement Apple’s expanding range of regulatory breaches which are generating ardent reviews, including the iconic Federal Trade Commission investigation into the rewriting of the iPhone’s SDK developer agreement to effectively forbid the use of rival Adobe’s software.

The news that 419,990 inmates of the voluntary concentration camp in China where iPhones and iPads are assembled have still not yet chosen to dash their brains out by leaping off their seven-storey dormitory blocks, rather than endure one more soul-consuming 12-hour shift, also helped to consolidate Apple’s commanding $222bn position at the end of the day as the world’s leading electronics exploiter.

“Apple’s absolute contempt for law and life is the stuff of dreams,” said one ecstatic Wall Street trader. “How could I not buy shares in a vampiric entity which is the very embodiment of the values I hold so dear?”

“Perhaps one day they’ll even pay a dividend on their shares,” he added. “But oh, how deliciously evil it would be if they didn’t! Steve Jobs - my master - you are truly the Lord of All That Is Unholy.”

“Yeah, I saw some story about some dead Chinaman and I felt like rilly sad for a minute, but then I saw this fantastic new app which displays a picture of a Zippo so I can wave it around at Sting concerts,” said a punch-inviting twat who tells his awful, vapid friends he’s a graphic designer, although he just types up small ads for a property freesheet. “No contest.”

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Iain Duncan Smith Beheaded After Failing To Deliver On Death Promise For Unemployed

In an attempt to forestall damning headlines in tomorrow’s press after failing to act on an apparent promise to kill the long-term sick, Work & Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith’s head has been placed on a platter and couriered on a swift tour of the editorial offices of the Daily Mail, the Daily Express, the Sun, the Daily Star, the Daily Telegraph and the Times.

Media commentators were left slavering with delight after Mr Duncan Smith issued a statement about Incapacity Benefit, claiming: “If you have been on this benefit for more than two years, you are likely to die on it.” Their bloodlust rose further when he appeared on the BBC and quoted the sign above the gates to the Auschwitz concentration camp, saying: “Work actually makes you free.”

However, the hungry howls of right-wing expectation turned to yelps of rage when he stood up in the House of Commons and lamely announced nothing more punitive than the same sticks for the beating of the unemployed that had already been introduced by Labour.

“I had a fucking erection the size of Nelson’s column when I heard the quiet man of Tory politics whispering veiled death threats and making what I took to be pretty clear references to gas chambers and ovens,” snarled a furious Paul Dacre, angrily pacing the roof of the Daily Mail headquarters where he bays at the full moon. “Now all he’s come up with is even more fucking CV-writing courses, the useless baldy cunt.”

“I hope Cameron at least had the decency to make that wet fart Clegg take the axe to Duncan Smith’s yellow neck,” he added. “If this is the way it’s going to be, let me just say our support for the coalition isn’t fucking written in stone. I know this much - Nick Griffin wouldn’t have let the dossers lounge around some wanky office suite, swilling free fucking taxpayer’s coffee on tap.”

Over at the Express offices, proprietor Richard Desmond was unavailable for comment as he was busy knocking enough shit out of his staff to fill tomorrow’s front page and an in-depth feature about an imaginary family of seventy chuckling dole cheats swanning around Cheshire in a gold-plated Zeppelin.

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Wednesday, 26 May 2010

All Pupils To Be Invited To Set Own Exams

In what is being hailed as the most radical education reform since Plato’s Academy opted out of Athenian state control in 385BC, Education Secretary Michael Gove is writing to every pupil in the state sector, inviting them to write their own GCSE questions and answer them.

“This is all about handing responsibility back to school users,” explained Mr Gove. “It’s about saying to pupils, ‘It’s up to you to decide how incredibly bright and gifted you are.’”

Labour’s Ed Balls denounced the plans as inevitably leading to a two-tier education system that would leave children in deprived inner-city areas at a severe disadvantage.

“It’s all very well saying that students have the freedom to write whatever questions they know the answers to,” he said, “But the fatal flaw in the government’s scheme is that it is predicated upon the ability to write, which simply takes no account of the situation on the ground.”

“Only the other day I was walking through a pedestrian subway on a sink estate, looking for someone to sign my nomination papers, and I was appalled by the low standards I saw in the graffiti,” he explained. “How can somebody whose idea of crushing invective is ‘codey barns = homesexule’ hope to set themselves a range of insultingly simple questions?”

Mr Gove, however, insisted that the youngster responsible had already submitted two questions for her Biology and History GCSEs.

“I fully expect young Whitney Bunce will apply her considerable intellect to fully and articulately answering ‘codey barns = ?’ and ‘who rools?’, and come out with top grades,” he smiled.

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Jamaica’s Bob Marley Enactment Festival Continues

Jamaica continues to re-enact several of Bob Marley’s greatest hits today, with police, gangs and bystanders united in song before the eyes of the world.

Dozens of gang members loyal to wanted gang leader Christopher ‘Dudus’ Coke were enthusiastically shooting at the sheriff, whose men continue to stir it up. Many of the shacks around Coke’s stronghold in Tivoli Gardens have caught a fire, and an exodus of residents is jammin’ the burnin’ and lootin’ streets as they try to ensure their survival.

Mr Coke issued a statement saying that if the government seriously believed they could extradite him to the United States, they were lively up themselves.

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Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Jewel-Encrusted Queen Mounts Gold Throne To Announce Huge Cuts

With all the pomp of state, the Queen travelled in her gold-coated landau to the Palace of Westminster this morning, where she put on her most jewel-laden crown before sitting on a golden throne to inform her subjects of an appalling catalogue of swingeing cuts that are a matter of supreme indifference to her.

Her Majesty then returned to Buckingham Palace, where she and her husband are said to be looking forward immensely to next month’s jolly to Canada followed by a pleasant jaunt to New York.

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British Idiots Predictably Upset By Nasty Hurty Sun

As police community support officers patrolling Brighton’s seafront called for an ambulance to take a five-month-old baby with 20% burns to hospital, health officials urgently wasted their breath in delivering the traditionally-ignored annual warning about the effects of direct UV radiation on pasty white skin to a nation of vacant fucktards.

All across Britain, millions of people with no sense or memory are wailing to each other as they writhe about in pain from their raw red skin.

“I love shiny bright sun up in the sky,” yowled a typically red-faced idiot who spent most of Sunday arsing about on a beach with nothing but a paper-thin t-shirt for protection. “Why sun hurt me? Sun not my friend. Sun nasty.”

“I’ll be back next Saturday, if the weather holds,” added the idiot. “This red skin should have peeled off by then.”

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Monday, 24 May 2010

Ventriloquist Who Created Tory Leadership Dies

The ventriloquist Ray Alan - whose upper-class puppet, Lord Charles, became the role model for a new generation of Tories, died today at the age of 79.

Tributes flowed in from a generation of twit politicians who grew up adoring a drunken monocled dummy with a monocle.

Those Tributes In Full:

David Cameron: “Am I being a silly arse?”
George Osborne: “Eh? What?”
Michael Gove: “Hic.”
Boris Johnson: “I say, there’s a fine young filly at the back there!”
Nick Clegg: “Don’t put me back in that bloody suitcase again, damn it.”

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Unborn Foetus Not Entirely Happy At Being Tapped For £500

First-time voters who backed the Conservatives had the insufferable grins wiped off their faces today, when Chancellor George Osborne announced that 10,000 fewer of their younger siblings would be going to university this year, thanks to a £670m cut in the education budget.

Their smug faces fell further when Mr Osborne went on to declare that they could wave goodbye to the Child Trust Fund payments they were looking forward to when they reproduce.

“Well, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this to happen,” said a two-month-old foetus whom we interviewed by ramming a voice recorder up a lady’s baby-funnel. “In the short time since my cells began dividing, I’ve noticed that the people who fuck things up seem to get off scot-free and leave the innocent to pick up the tab – and they certainly don’t come any more innocent than me.”

Those Other Cuts Explained:

£1.15bn in ‘discretionary’ consultancy fees – we’ll have to dream up some other name for our generous contributions to the profits of KPMG and Accenture;

£95m saved on IT projects – perhaps we won’t bother with the extended warranty;

£1.7bn on delaying or cancelling contracts – the next Labour government can pick up the tab for the resulting backlog;

£170m in property costs – let’s shut a few more cottage hospitals in Cornwall, and forget about fixing all that crappy MoD family accommodation;

£120m civil service recruitment freeze – we can always borrow more staff from KPMG and Accenture;

£600m by cutting quangos – bollocks to regional development, and it jolly well serves those bloody Northerners for right for voting Labour;

£520m saved in low-value spending – let’s stop wasting money on things that don’t show much return on the investment. Like the poor.

“Right, well, that’s over five billion saved,” smiled Mr Osborne. “Hooray! This time next year, we’ll only be six billion short. Job done! And well done me, if I say so myself.”

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Sunday, 23 May 2010

Duchess Of York To Help Raise Funds For Hard-Up Pope

The Roman Catholic Church has announced the recruitment of Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, to raise a few quid to help out with the cost of September’s Papal visit.

“Wiv ahnly a billion or so Catholic pockets to dip ‘is ‘and into, the ‘oly Farva’s a bit strapped for cash right now, wot wiv the soarin’ cost of air conditioning for fahsands of priceless works of art in ‘is cellar like,” Vince Nichols, ‘the Archbishop’ of Westminster, explained to his flock this morning. “An’ all them kiddy-fiddler payouts flyin’ aht in orl dreckshuns dunt zackly ‘elp matters, noworramean?”

“Cam on - pony ap, ya tight buggaz,” he added beatifically. “Or Gawd’s ‘oly vicka on Urf’s gonna be dossin’ dahn in sam Sally Anny ‘ostel. An’ ‘e won’t like that – ‘e won’t like that at all. Am I makin’ meself cleah?”

The Archbishop’s minder, Bishop ‘Big Al’ Hopes, went on to say that within minutes of hearing about her successful blag of a cool $40,000 for promising an undercover News Of The World hack five minutes of vacuous chit-chat about golf clubs and skis with her ex-husband, the notorious Royal fixer Prince Andrew, the Holy See had made the Duchess an offer to exert her God-given gift for money-grubbing on behalf of the Pontiff.

Papal snitches say the offer is likely to include a rare, collectable Get Into Heaven Free card and a first option on the third vertebra of Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Connor, whom bookies favour as odds-on to become a saint within a year of popping his clogs.

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