Thursday, 6 November 2008

Nev Filter Responsible For All of Society’s Problems

The Communities Secretary, Hazel Blears, today launched a scathing attack on the Nev Filter, squarely blaming the political blog for every single thing that was wrong with the country today.

“Before that fat Janner bastard started poisoning the internet with his corrosive, right-wing cynicism,” she fumed, “Britain was a happy-go-lucky country where everyone chatted to their neighbours over the garden fence, city gents politely raised their bowlers and gave up their seats for ladies, and friendly local bobbies chuckled, ‘On your way now, you little scamps,’ to laughing young tearaways who did nothing more annoying than ask them for the time in a slightly cheeky manner.

“Since Nev fuelled political disengagement by focusing his disdain for the political system and politicians on scandals, conspiracies and perceived hypocrisy, wild-eyed crack-jackals terrorise quiet suburbs by racing around in speed tanks and firing their drug guns at frightened grandmothers. This pessimistic net terrorist will not rest until every single British child has become a jackbooted degenerate zombie, mindlessly repeating his twisted mantras of despair.”

The Nev Filter tracked down the elusive Nev, crouching in a smoke-filled room typing this very sentence into his hate-computer, and confronted him with a photograph of the Communities Secretary and her unfeasibly red hair.

“I’m so very sorry for all the suffering I’ve caused,” he sobbed. “Please forgive me, Hazel Blears. I was led astray by my ill-considered belief in the importance of standards in public life and the accountability of our elected representatives. I now understand that I am nothing but a sick poster-boy for the malevolent forces of neo-Fascism. Hanging is too good for verminous scum like me. I shall try to devise a more suitable demise for myself, perhaps involving a red-hot poker and a power-drill.”

“You rabid, hypocritical bitch,” he added.

Banks Strangely Slow To Pass On Interest Rate Cut to Customers

Most of the UK banking sector has so far been unaccountably slow to allow its long-suffering customers to share in the savings made possible by the Bank of England’s shock 1.5% cut in the rate of interest.

“The complex nature of international finance in a globalised economy means that ordinary people sometimes fail to grasp the essential principle that banks exist for the sole purpose of giving vast sums of money to their shareholders and senior management. Got that? Good. Now fuck off,” explained one mega-rich bank director, as he sped off in his new Bugatti.

Home Secretary: ‘I Am Constantly Mobbed By Pixies Begging For ID Cards’

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, revealed today that she is followed everywhere by mischievous, tiny pixies asking her to give them ID cards.

“Everywhere I go, I am followed by lovable little faerie folk who are visible only to me,” she explained in the middle of announcing the latest revised - i.e. delayed - government timetable for rolling out the deeply-unpopular population-monitoring system. “They jump up and sit on my shoulder, whispering in my ear: ‘Please, Jacqui Smith, won’t you give us nice shiny biometric ID cards? See, we have money.’ They are so disappointed at having to wait until 2012 for the government to force them to pay to prove they exist.”

Ms Smith refused, however, to confirm that she is also plagued by wicked imps on the other shoulder, whispering that even Hitler didn’t have the cheek to charge everyone in the Third Reich for the dubious privilege of having their personal lives constantly monitored and interfered with by overbearing, unaccountable state officials.

“Do you really want to live in a state of constant fear?” she retorted. “Vote Labour.”

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Army of Cleti Declares Open Season on Obama

Following Barack Obama’s decisive and historic win over John McCain in the US presidential election yesterday, a spokesman for Southerners called Cletus formally announced that he, together with his estimated 3,000,000 brothers, sisters and cousins of the same name, would be a-polishing their shotguns and setting out to bag thesselves a president-elect for the trophy room.

“Ah’ll be danged if it ain’t the dawn of a new era for America and the entire world,” said Cletus, his six fingers caressing the cold blue barrel of his trusty Remington. “But me’n mah kin, we jes’ cain’t beah th’ idea o’ some jumped-up middle-class Yankee attorney feller settin’ there in Washington tellin’ me ah cain’t drive mah big ol’ Chevy pickup no more. He black, y’say? Cain’t say as ah’ve noticed.”

Rumours of a second American Civil War continued to spread among the former Confederacy states, all of which voted Republican. Mr Obama, meanwhile, will spend the next two months in conditions of unprecedented security on the International Space Station before he is sworn in by President Bush, who will hopefully have been told by then that Obama’s election means his term of office is coming to an end.

Senator McCain was gently woken at 4am yesterday morning to be told that California’s votes meant a victory for his Democrat opponent. He smiled vaguely before settling back inside his teapot for another lengthy snooze.

Millions Arrested Under Terror Laws

Most of the population of the UK is currently being detained in huge, open-air holding pens tonight awaiting trial, after being arrested under the government’s anti-terror legislation for openly expressing the opinion that Guy Fawkes may have had the right idea.

Monday, 3 November 2008

‘Three Months’ Holiday? I’ll Have Some Of That’ Says Clarkson

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is the latest gobby, overpaid BBC money-pit to request an imposed career break, following a flippant comment implying that all lorry drivers murder prostitutes, rather than just the Ipswich serial killer Steve Wright and a few others who haven’t been caught yet, probably.

The opinionated, car-molesting host made his remarks on Sunday’s show, whilst completing a lorry-driving task.

“It’s a hard job,” he blathered to camera. “Change gear, change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That’s a lot of effort in a day.”

No sooner had the words tumbled from Clarkson’s vile lips than 188 irate lorry drivers, or possibly prostitutes, were reaching for their telephones to register complaints with the BBC’s “What the Fuck Have We Done Now?” Hotline.

Clarkson, however, was unrepentant about the shame he has brought upon his embattled employers.

“With the kind of workload that would make a rented Tranny-van turn white - if it wasn’t white already - I’d say that I’m in serious need of a three-month rest,” he sneered as he sat back on James May, while resting his feet on Richard Hammond. “So come on, Mr Director-General of the BBC: do your worst.”

“Channel Four have made me a very nice offer for a series in which I mow down the disabled with a variety of the world’s most desirable motors,” he added, “And I’m sure I can probably squeeze a tediously-repetitive book or three out of it as well.”

Director-general Mark Thompson is reported to be considering an alternative punishment for Clarkson - one that involves chaining the fox-hating, environment-loathing, self-confessed petrolhead to creepy wildlife-botherer Bill Oddie for a year.

‘I Haven’t Got A Regular Slot, But Can I Be Banned Too?’ Asks Duchess of York

The Duchess of York has shamelessly jumped aboard TV’s ban-me bandwagon by presenting an ITV documentary in which she tries to incite a war with Turkey by revealing that disabled children are left to rot in its hellish institutions.

“How dare Sarah Ferguson show the world what a load of bastards we are?” fumed Nimet Cubukcu, the Turkish minister for women and family in a phone call to Ofcom’s ‘Grass Up A Presenter’ complaints line. “The Turkish government demands that she atone for her crimes by presenting a shallow, gushing travelogue praising our glorious, sunny beaches. If this is not done within the week, a state of war will exist between our two countries.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown waded into the row, saying that his very good friends the Americans wanted Turkey in the EU where it could keep an eye on them, rather than seeing it drawn into some hypothetical pan-Islamic superstate, and that the various ways in which the Turks mistreated their children were their own business and nobody else‘s.

“The last thing the British and American governments would dream of would be to impose our own cultural standards on a Middle Eastern country,” he told reporters.

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Catholic Church to Test Would-Be Priests With Tempting Images of Tender, Fresh Young Bottoms

Candidates for Catholic priesthood should be screened for homosexual tendencies, according to the latest guidelines from the Vatican.

The Catholic Church has been rocked in recent years by a series of embarrassing scandals in which it was found that most Catholic boys spend their entire childhood being rogered senseless every week by their local priest.

In the document, published on Thursday, the Vatican’s Congregation for Catholic Education suggests that the early detection of what it calls “sometimes pathological” defects before candidates enter the priesthood would help to avoid tragic experiences.

“The screening process is both simple and infallible,” said the Pope. “Each candidate will be stripped naked and thrust into a small cubicle, where he will be relentlessly bombarded with hundreds of lewd photographs of naked boys which we have confiscated from our clergy. A video camera will be trained on his shameful area, and the slightest twitch of arousal will result in the naked, engorged candidate being immediately hurled from the seminary into the streets, where irate tabloid readers will know exactly what to do with him.”

Gay rights groups have questioned the church’s apparent equation of disgusting child-molesting perverts with homosexuality, while non-Catholics who are destined to burn in hell forever have even suggested that the church’s policy of ordering perfectly normal men to spend their entire adult lives tormented by the strictly-enforced denial of every natural sexual urge could perhaps have something to do with so many of them turning out to be revolting sexual deviants who abuse their privileged position of trust by preying mercilessly on innocent children and then threatening them with sulphurous damnation for all eternity if they tell their parents.

“Our Blessed Lord Jesus Christ seems to have managed OK,” snapped the Pope, reaching for a thumbscrew. “I mean, if a supernatural earthly manifestation of the Lord God Almighty could keep His john thomas out of little boys‘ arses, how difficult can it possibly be?”

“Excuse me,” he added. “I have to go to the lavatory.”

Jesus, meanwhile, is reported to have wept.