Saturday, 17 April 2010

New Daleks Recalled By Toyota For Safety Checks

Already reeling from a new wave of product-recall scandals, Japanese car giant Toyota tonight announced that it was suspending production of its brand new range of Daleks amid concerns that the lumbering, oversized monstrosities may topple over and hurt somebody.

The new Toyota Dalek had only just been revealed to the world, following months of secrecy, when a white-faced man with a clipboard rushed in and announced the latest tragic design defect.

Toyota's newly-appointed head of production Stephen Moffat, 9, told reporters: "This is a terrible embarrassment for Toyota. The Dalek is a much-loved script vehicle which has, up until now, remained largely unaltered since the sixties. When our new team took control of Toyota production, we adhered to the age-old maxim of 'If In Doubt - Fuck About' and set out to create a boldly modern - yet at the same time reassuringly traditional - reinterpretation of a classic design icon. The new Dalek offers 50% more interior space than the previous model, yet achieves improved gas mileage through the innovative replacement of metal bodywork by lightweight plastic mouldings."

"Unfortunately, however, our researchers have just uncovered an alarming tendency for the new Dalek to fall flat with a resounding thud," he concluded sheepishly.

Toyota executives say they are trying to recall the few production Daleks in existence, with a team of scientists working round the clock to develop a galaxy-wide recall notice which can travel throughout the entire fabric of the space-time continuum.

Daily Express Offers 'Free' Coffin For Every Reader

With millions of decent, middle-class English people already lying dead in the streets, their corpses covered by a fine layer of deadly toxic ash, the Daily Express is today offering a free coffin to every reader who would rather not be known to future generations simply as a misshapen, Pompeii-style cast.

"Make no fucking mistake. Every living British thing in Britain will be dead by Monday - with the exception of all the bloody immigrants, who are used to this sort of climate," warned Richard Desmond, the philanthropic, saintly proprietor of Express Newspapers and Television X. "Yes, even I will die an agonised, lingering death, my lungs choked with red-hot volcano spew - because my sodding private jet has been grounded by self-serving health-and-safety jobsworth bastards. That quango-loving cunt Gordon Brown will get a bollocking over this in my papers all next week - and that's a fucking promise, sunshine."

Mr Desmond was then led away to Boujis by two gorgeous, pouting models, to contemplate the remaining hours of his life with atypically hedonistic abandon.

Some Express readers, however, expressed their anger when they discovered that the so-called 'free offer' required them to travel to their nearest participating cemetery and purchase a £25 shovel before they could take possession of their coffin.

"I'm not impressed," moaned Express reader Sid Goebbels, 75. "Although, to be fair, I did get a bonus wedding ring from the coffin's previous occupant. But I bet those EU Hitlers have already ordered our quisling government to give free burials to every illegal immigrant in Britain."

"With a complimentary 21-gun salute, too, I shouldn't wonder," he added. "Is this what I fought a war for? Even if I was only 10 when it ended."

Meanwhile, 250,000 Icelanders are reported to be casually strolling around their exploding country without a care in the world, no doubt chuckling to each other about the imminent cancellation of their enormous debt to the UK - which is now destined, tragically, never to be collected.

Friday, 16 April 2010

Bruno Ganz Declares War On Internet

The world has today found itself plunged into bloody conflict, as the wrath of Bruno Ganz was brutally unleashed upon a defenceless internet.

Screaming his message of hate in German, the Swiss actor-turned-warmonger declared that he was "no longer prepared to endure this humiliation at the hands of every pissy little wankstain who's figured out how to add captions to video clips."

With the launch of yet another tiresome and predictable YouTube posting - in which, predictably, the tiresome actor appears to be ranting about the predictable shortcomings of the tiresome Apple iPad via a tiresome sequence of predictable subtitles - it is now estimated that there are now more mashups featuring Ganz than the total audience numbers for Downfall, the film about Hitler's final days in his Berlin bunker, from which the predictable scene has been tiresomely ripped.

All over the world, shocked fans of the clips are reeling before the actor's lightning assault.

"That Hitler guy just cracks me up every time," whimpered netfugee Dave Ork, a freelance website designer from Hoboken, N.J., pathetically clutching his only remaining possession, a hastily-ripped DVD+R of his favourite non-amusing bunker rants. "I so agree with everything he says. Like, why would anyone want to exterminate me?"