The tabloid press was today diagnosed as suffering from acute schizophrenia, in the wake of the savage torture and murder of a convicted child sex offender by a vicious mob of moral paragons.
Readers were left stunned and confused, as odd-numbered pages condemned the brutal lynching, whilst pages on the left continued to whip up their raging paedo-frenzy.
"I don't understand," said one slack-jawed Sun reader. "For years I've been led to believe that we need to bring back the death sentence to deal with these sick perverts, and they want to have their goolies cut off. Some bunch of decent, public-spirited vigilantes have done the coppers' jobs for them - i.e. cut this bugger's goolies off and topped him - and now the papers are calling them a baying mob of murdering thugs. I don't get it. My moral compass is all over the place. Somebody, please, tell me what to think."
More blindly self-righteous members of the public were unmoved, however.
"The law in this country's a sick joke these days, innit?" snarled one concerned parent. "If they get nicked, these heroes - these saints what's walkin' among us! - are looking at twelve years minimum. Twelve bleedin' years! They ought to give 'em all bloody knighthoods! I hope they all went straight back home after, all covered in perv blood, and told their little angels what they done on their behalf! They done 'em proud, if you ask me. Gawd bless 'em! Makes me proud to be British."
"Know what I think?" she went on. "We ought to abolish the police and the courts - cos they're a joke, right - and take the law into our own hands. There's single mums on benefits just down the road, living the life of Riley and laughing at the likes of decent, hard-working folk like you and me, and it really pisses me off. I'd sew their fannies up, I would straight. That'd stop their little game. Same with the unemployed, the lazy buggers. I'd round them all up, hand them a shovel each, force them to dig a bloody great hole, then shoot them all. Except for me dad of course, it's not his fault he's got stress and a bad back, is it?"
"As for them Muslims," she added, "Don't get me started."
"We're currently at an early stage in our enquiries, and are keeping an open mind about the circumstances of this man's death," commented DCI Nick Gent of the Metropolitan Police. "It could be a particularly vigorous form of suicide, for example, or maybe Mr Cunningham could have tripped over and fallen into a large box of knives - possibly twenty or thirty times."
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