Sunday, 14 September 2008

The Unsinkable Gordon Brown

Dozens of rats have called for a leadership contest to replace the captain of the Labour Party, which is continuing to settle alarmingly at the head after colliding at full speed with a huge floating recession.

Passengers first became aware of the disaster when an almighty grinding crunch reverberated throughout the vessel, but were personally reassured that everything was all right by Captain Brown. However, things quickly began to run downhill and soon there was pandemonium on deck, with officers running round trying desperately to restore order.

Finally, First Officer Darling blurted out the extent of the catastrophe. In the ensuing panic, Captain Brown’s calls for calm went unheeded as first- and second-class passengers began clambering into lifeboats and abandoning the ship. Those in steerage, meanwhile, are reported to have been left to fend for themselves in the ice-cold, rising waters.

The Labour Party is currently awash, with waves breaking over the fo’c’sle as it begins its inevitable descent into the murky depths. The ship’s rats are now on deck, demanding nomination papers to choose a new captain.

“Everything will be all right if we just get rid of the useless twerp on the bridge,” said Fiona Mactaggrat, who claimed that she had received numerous squeaks of support from other rats. “Look at all those poor people in the water - soon they’ll be freezing to death. The captain could have thrown them a lifeline - but instead he just said they’d have to freeze for seven consecutive days, and wandered off to check the boilers.”

Other rats - including Joan Ryat, Barry Gardinrat and Siobhan McDonrat - have already cast doubt on Captain Brown’s leadership. Meanwhile, none of the doomed party’s officers appeared willing to challenge the captain’s authority.

“I firmly believe that Captain Brown is fully capable of leading this party safely into harbour at the next election,” said Fourth Officer Miliband loyally, as he broke open the gun locker and seized a heavy revolver. “If, however, Captain Brown goes down with the ship – as any good captain would – then of course I will do my best to restore order.”

Meanwhile, Captain Cameron of the SS Conservative maintained a comfortable distance from the unfolding tragedy and said he was enjoying the firework display - while Lieutenant Clegg of the Liberal was reported to be racing to the scene as quickly as possible to pick up any surviving votes.

Let's Teach Kids Mumbo-Jumbo Horseshit, Says Dog-Collared Academic

The education director of the Royal Society, the Rev. Professor Michael Reiss, has called for creationism to be discussed in Britain’s school science lessons, claiming that it was better for science teachers not to see the biblical fairy-story as a “misconception” but as a “world view”.

“An increasing number of children in the UK come from families that do not accept the scientific version of the history of the universe and the evolution of species,” he told the British Association Festival of Science. “Perhaps they think the world is flat, and that the sun and all the stars in the sky revolve around it. Fine, that’s a perfectly valid point of view. And if these families also say we should drown an old woman in a pond because their milk has curdled in the fridge - well, who are we to argue?”

“School should not be a place of learning and enlightenment,” explained the Professor, “It should reinforce all the twaddle you learn from your parents. For instance, my mum - bless her - told me that babies are delivered by a stork. But the wonderful picture which that conjured up was cruelly destroyed by my unimaginative biology teacher, Mr Tweedie, and his horrid drawings of people’s toilet parts, with scant consideration for my sincerely-held beliefs. Surely both points of view are equally worthy of consideration?”

“The God-botherers can start pushing their addle-headed mumbo-jumbo in science lessons on the day they start using my book ‘The God Delusion’ as an RE textbook,” commented leading Darwinist Richard Dawkins.

Palin Rejects Accusations of Inexperience, Calls For Massive Global War

US Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah the Impalin has rejected claims that she lacks experience, in her first TV interview since being selected as John McCain’s running mate.

“Ah may not know jack ‘bout nuthin’,” she breezed. “But ah kin yell ‘America!!!’ real loud and punch tha air till tha cows come home, and that’s what this nation’s cryin’ out fer. Hey, ah’ve had me one doozy of a idea – let’s go ta war with tha Russkies!! Woo-hoo!!! Way ta go!!!”

Half of America responded by throwing their beer cans in the air and shouting, “Hell, yeah!”, while the other half covered their eyes with a hand and turned away from their TV screens in embarrassment.