Friday, 4 May 2012

King David In Hiding As Pengelly of Plymouth Rides On Paddington

Self-confessed liability King David Cameron is reported to have soiled his garments and fled after hearing reports that Plymouth’s ousted princess, Viv Pengelly, is marching on London on a self-righteous crusade to blame him for yesterday’s peasant revolt which saw her unjustly deposed from the throne which is her birthright.

“By owr swete Mercie did We caws an grete yncyneratour to be sette yn ye Serfes midst, rownde ye wych myte hem hudel for ye hete & protectioun from ye wolves,” sobbed the ancient pantomime dame. “Ye smityinge of ye Ær-port, We didst alowe; so hem hight never ygen lief yn Terrour of ye evill Dragounes cercling over hir hoveles. Highe-way brigandrie did We tackoul, by yeving countroul of ye rutted stretes to ye townes ox cart drivour; nowe, ye fell rorynge of yron stedes scarce nemour ys heer’d aftere Doske. An We did spend eche, & ev’ry, laste Groat of ye taxes; yea, verily, an muche mor; on ye glorious newe palace of tourneys.”

The lady of Plymouth still awaits her great western carriage
“Mark yet mor, gentil scribe; for We did caws ye Herolde to issewe, eache daye, fresshe proclamatioun to ye pesauntry; of whomso hem han to thanke for suche bowneties withal,” she added, “Thus, ye onlie posible explanacioun for hir base ingratenesse nedes moste be ye sore incompetaunce of King David. An pece of Oure mynd shal We verily yeve unto ye wretch.”

And thus it was that, throughout King David’s troubled realm, dispossessed robber barons were singing the same old song. But for them, there were no more suppers to be had.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

‘I Have Breasts And Am Therefore Beyond Criticism’ Declares Guardian’s New Columnist

A fuming Louise Schmuck emerged today from the Guardian offices on Farringdon Road, where she has just been signed up to pen daily blasts against the monstruous regiment of men, to declare herself off limits to any form of criticism on the unarguable grounds that “abuse directed at women is always sexual or violent.”

Producing an onion from her sensible corduroy handbag, a sobbing Ms Schmuck revealed that, tragically, not quite everyone in the country had showered her with gratitude for her stirring defence of her sister’s publisher, the legendary feminist Rupert Murdoch - whose Sun newspaper has, for forty years, bravely run an outspoken campaign against the sexual objectification of womyn by allowing them to air their considered opinions on topics of national importance, along with their breasts.

Oh no! It's Millie Tant!
Ms Schmuck also railed against the book trade which, she insists, has brutally gang-raped the literary studies which she writes under the name of Louise Bogbrush - collectively, a throbbing social critique of devastatingly attractive, successful career womyn’s doomed efforts to acquire a tame penis that lives up to their expectations - by deliberately marginalizing them as ‘chick-lit’.

“Anybody who has a difference of opinion about anything I do or say is a serial murderer,” she asserted furiously, bearing down on a surprised traffic warden. “You there! Yes, you - police flunky! Arrest everyone in Britain immediately.”

Bank Of England Governor Found Colouring In ‘Textbook’

Arriving early for a meeting in governor Sir Mervyn King’s office after he publicly praised government economic policies - which have caused misery to millions, damaged Britain’s credit rating and plunged the country back into recession - as a “textbook response”, unsuspecting officials at the Bank of England inadvertently surprised him in the act of colouring in a picture of a fire engine with a red crayon.

George Osborne has gone through five copies
“In the light of the discovery that Sir Mervyn’s bookshelves contain nothing but children's activity books, the Bank of England would like to clarify the statement he made earlier,” admitted an embarrassed spokesman, Rob Blind. “Any book which contains words is, technically, a textbook, and a hasty check appears to indicate that every item in Mr King’s extensive reference library does in fact contain not just line drawings, but an accompanying word or two saying what each one depicts. With that proviso in mind, the Bank of England board fully endorses his comments.”

"There's plenty of educational content, too," he insisted. "You'd be surprised how many farmyard animals the governor can name. He's very bright for a 64-year-old."

“Perhaps, in hindsight, we might have sought confirmation that the Mont Blanc pen cap Sir Mervyn proudly displays in his breast pocket when he chairs Monetary Policy Committee meetings was actually attached to a Mont Blanc pen,” observed Mr Blind ruefully. “On the other hand, this does explain a lot of the modern art hanging in our junior executives’ offices.”

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Traditional Chinese Medicine Helps Blind Man To Be Seen

Leading US spin doctors are today marvelling at the mysterious workings of traditional Chinese medicine, which has miraculously helped them to see a blind man sheltering in their embassy in Beijing.

A few pricks, and the pain has vanished
“There’s no rational explanation for it but hell, it works,” admitted an apologetic Dr Marilyn Strangelove, washing her hands after a complicated operation to save Hillary Clinton’s face tragically failed. “The Chinese swiftly applied a threat to the blind man’s family and suddenly, for the first time, we could see him quite clearly. And we didn’t feel a bit of pain during the extraction. We sure could learn a trick or two from these guys.”

Sceptics remain unconvinced, however, about the ethics of dishing out Chinese medicine, claiming that its unabashed practitioners cynically exploit the desire of the credulous to believe that the problem has magically gone away whilst beautiful, endangered creatures like the Lesser Spotted Human Rights Activist are cruelly ground into paste.

We May Never Know How Justice Locked Itself In A Bag And Died

Coroner Fiona Coxup today delivered her considered verdict to a hushed inquest, saying she was entirely satisfied that top MI6 paperclip operator James Bond lawfully killed himself after lawfully planting women’s clothing worth £20,000 in his apartment, lawfully squeezing into an airtight bag, lawfully zipping it shut from the inside, lawfully padlocking the external zippers together before lawfully retrieving the key and lawfully leaping into the bath to suffocate in complete accordance with the law.

“It is entirely fit and proper that Mr Bond’s worried case officer, ‘M’, notified police the moment Mr Bond was a week late for work,” smiled Dr Coxup, “Just as it was entirely wrong for the police to pursue a questionable agenda of treating Mr Bond’s death as some sort of mystery to be solved.”

If you can tuck your scrotum into a pair of Victoria's Secret scanties, this is a doddle
“That these dull-witted flatfoots stubbornly refused to draw the obvious conclusion – namely, that any man with a small branch of Dorothy Perkins in his wardrobe would surely come to realise that he was nothing but a monstrous pervert with no more right to exist than a snivelling woodlouse – shall go down in forensic history as a dark stain of treasonous disloyalty on the otherwise impeccable record of Britain’s security services,” she thundered, adding: “Will this do?”

“The coroner’s ruling proves that British justice is still governed by common sense of self-preservation,” commented MI6 spokesman ‘Q’, handing Dr Coxup a ticking MBE. “From day one, we have always maintained that this was just an everyday open and shut and locked and left to die pathetically in a bath case.”

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Extra Personnel To Reduce Queues At Heathrow

Man Unfit To Run Media Empire Defended By Woman Unfit To Be MP

Spot the hideous parasitic sucker
Top Tory masturbation fantasy and Lady Thatcher impersonator Louise Schmuck today appeared on all channels simultaneously to explain to her intellectual inferiors why – contrary to received wisdom, common sense and the evidence of her own two eyes - Rupert Murdoch is nothing less than the acme of business morality.

“I and my less glamorous Tory colleagues on the Culture Committee disagree strongly with its conclusion that any rational human being would rather wear radioactive knickers than trust the saintly Mr Murdoch any further than they could throw him,” she simpered, speaking from the elderly press baron’s trousers.

When reminded that, coincidentally, Mr Murdoch happens to be the publisher of her sister’s books, Ms Schmuck’s permanent smile cracked and fell off, revealing a hideous parasitic sucker which literary experts say could be a some kind of metaphor.

Monday, 30 April 2012

Cameron Sees ‘No Evidence’ Of Hague Eating Baby

The PM didn't see it, therefore it didn't happen
A defiant David Cameron told an angry House of Commons today that he had seen “no evidence” of foreign secretary William Hague devouring a baby alive as he arrived five minutes early for this morning’s cabinet meeting.

“After an unfortunate encounter with the door frame, I stepped into the cabinet room to be met by a respectful silence from my colleagues,” declared the prime minister, waving his white stick at what he thought to be the opposition benches.

“My radiantly attractive home secretary, young Mrs May, told me not to worry if I thought I could smell blood, as Mr Osborne was having one of his nosebleeds again," he added. "Then Mr Hague belched in his typically forthright, northern way, which rather broke the ice, and we got down to discussing the issues facing mauve people in Britain today.”

Mr Cameron also denied that Britain was in recession, saying that he had never seen so many busy shops in Britain’s high streets, before walking out of the chamber with his head held high and into the broom cupboard.

Millions Facing Misery Of Paying For Other People’s Hard Work

Brave dissidents from the repressive dictatorship of Britain are desperately trying to raise global awareness of their terrible suffering today, after a Nazi in a wig ordered cowering internet service providers to deny them the fundamental human right to steal all the music they want.

“Britain’s brutal declaration of war on the innocent plunderers of Pirate Bay is exactly how Hitler kicked off,” tweeted heroic activists, many of whom have vowed to die fighting if they are cruelly forced to exchange money for songs they like. “How can struggling young artists ever receive the rewards and recognition their talents deserve, if I am forced to part with a small amount of cash? This is nothing less than out-and-out fascism. And communism, too.”

The grim reality of Britain today
Music liberators lay the blame for the unjust decision squarely at the feet of bloated, evil record company bosses, whose naked lust for a return on their investments stands in stark contrast to the open-handed philanthropism of organisations like Facebook, Google and every other business in the entire world.

“Why can’t the music industry adopt an up-to-date business plan based on giving everything away for nothing?” commented a tragic thief on Facebook. “I bought a t-shirt last year. There’s enough profit in that to buy a drummer two pairs of hardly-used sticks on eBay. What more do these parasites want from me?”

Salvation is at hand for the persecuted MP3 hoarders, however, as fearlessly risked punitive reprisals by starting an online petition which is certain to bring down the hated British regime by teatime on Wednesday.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Catholic Leader Suddenly Discovers Keen Interest In Something Other Than Sex

Just as education secretary Michael Gove orders an investigation into whether Catholic schools acted illegally in urging pupils to sign a petition against gay marriage, Cardinal Keith O’Brien - the head of the Catholic church in Scotland - has suddenly found that he is vitally concerned with the welfare of the poor.

How is it fair that some people live like me? demands the Cardinal
“Imagine my surprise when I heard that, in the rare moments when Jesus wasn’t ranting about the evils of bum sex, our Lord and Saviour expressed a passing interest in the less well off,” said the Cardinal. “’My word,’ I thought to myself, ‘That seemed to go down rather well with people. Perhaps I should try going down with people myself.’"

Cardinal O’Brien admitted that, engrossed as he was in saving the world from the awful plight of gay weddings, he had somehow failed to notice that the rich get richer and the poor get - children, and that this had apparently been considered “fun” for quite some time.

“This is, of course, entirely the fault of governments,” he maintained, speaking from his lavish mansion in Edinburgh’s Morningside district. “As a leader of the Catholic church, I positively welcome any measures which encourage people not to breed.”

MoD Fails To Take Into Account Servicability Of Lifts In Council Tower Blocks

Put it in the park instead
Angry residents in Tower Hamlets have warned the Ministry of Defence that any surface-to-air missiles they try to install on the roofs of council apartment blocks for the duration of the Olympics will have to be carried up the stairs as the lifts aren’t working, and will almost certainly be nicked by those toerags on the fifth floor and sold for drugs.

“I don’t have any idea what the current street value of a Starstreak missile is,” said local resident Bob Wilcox, 81, “But I bet the local gangs would be delighted to point a couple at anyone else who tries dealing on their turf.”

An MoD spokesman assured residents that any High Velocity Missiles stationed on Tower Hamlets rooftops would be lowered into place by nice, quiet Chinook helicopters.

“Besides, the piss-laden stench of the stairwells would corrode the electronics something chronic,” he added. “Nobody wants our tracking systems to identify a sprinter as a rapid incoming threat, lock on and blow them sky high. Why, if they weren’t members of Team GB, we could be accused of cheating.”