Sun readers across Britain breathed a collective grunt of relief as it transpired that the complex, introspective crisis of national morality sparked by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross was really all about some bird with a stonking pair of charlies.
As the contrite Brand flew out of Britain on a cloud of hashish smoke to begin his self-imposed exile on the remote, barren island of continental America - and a shamed Ross prepared to atone for his crimes against taste and decency by disembowelling himself with a sharpened Akira DVD - the Sun helped its struggling, disturbed readers to deal with the strange, uncomfortable feelings in their heads known to the medical establishment as ‘thoughts’ by filling its pages with a series of pictures of Andrew Sachs’ grand-daughter, Georgina Baillie, in her undercrackers.
The national debate on the corporate responsibilities of the BBC was also brought into sharp focus as the Sun explained to its confused readers that Brand had shouted ‘Que?’ at Ms Baillie in mid-poke.
“I’ve spent the last week stunned by frightening, unfamiliar concepts like taste, decency and responsibility,” said Sun reader Ryan Chav. “Now, thanks to the Sun, I think I’ve grasped the fundamental concept behind this nationwide outbreak of moral angst, namely that Manuel’s little princess is a tasty little fuck-bunny.”
Mr Chav revealed that he would be logging onto the Sun’s website to view Ms Baillie’s ‘sizzling video’ in the hope of seeing her showing pink in some red-hot lesbo filth, in order to clarify a few unresolved issues brought to the fore by the media furore.
“But she’ll probably only be poncing round in a basque and stockings,” he added mournfully. “I expect I’ll have to trawl through the usual dodgy Eastern European schoolgirl-action sites for the moral guidance I seek.”
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Friday, 31 October 2008
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Dr Who Announces He Will No Longer Play David Tennant
The much-loved Time Lord, Doctor Who, has shocked millions of loyal, uncritical fans by announcing that he will be quitting the role of well-known actor David Tennant.
“I’ve had the most brilliant, bewildering and life-changing time playing David Tennant. I have loved every day of it,“ said the fictitious traveller in time and space, adding: “I fear that if I don’t take a deep breath and make the decision to move on now, then I simply never will.”
The entertainment media immediately opened their filing cabinets and reprinted the usual run of speculative articles about who would be the next fictional character to become David Tennant, including the one asking whether it was time for him to be played by a woman.
“I’ve had the most brilliant, bewildering and life-changing time playing David Tennant. I have loved every day of it,“ said the fictitious traveller in time and space, adding: “I fear that if I don’t take a deep breath and make the decision to move on now, then I simply never will.”
The entertainment media immediately opened their filing cabinets and reprinted the usual run of speculative articles about who would be the next fictional character to become David Tennant, including the one asking whether it was time for him to be played by a woman.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
Public Warned Not to Give Money to Iceland
People living in England’s coastal resort towns were alarmed today to find themselves being accosted for money by the small North Atlantic nation of Iceland.
After its central bank raised the domestic interest rate to 18% as a condition of its recent $2bn loan from the International Monetary Fund, the financially-embarrassed country’s prime minister Geir Haarde said it needed to raise another $4bn to remain solvent.
Early morning walkers taking the bracing air in Skegness were surprised to be accosted by Iceland, looking dishevelled and dragging a whale on a string, begging for a pound which it claimed it needed for bus fare.
Later, the itinerant lava outcrop turned up in Great Yarmouth, where it disturbed passers-by with requests for loose change for a cup of tea. Police warned it that it was committing an offence under the Vagrancy Act and told it to move along.
After squeezing itself through the English Channel, Iceland then reappeared in Torbay later this afternoon, asking people for money to phone its mum, and was beaten up by irate scousers for nicking their prime pitch. The RSPCA were then called to take the whale into protective custody.
After its central bank raised the domestic interest rate to 18% as a condition of its recent $2bn loan from the International Monetary Fund, the financially-embarrassed country’s prime minister Geir Haarde said it needed to raise another $4bn to remain solvent.
Early morning walkers taking the bracing air in Skegness were surprised to be accosted by Iceland, looking dishevelled and dragging a whale on a string, begging for a pound which it claimed it needed for bus fare.
Later, the itinerant lava outcrop turned up in Great Yarmouth, where it disturbed passers-by with requests for loose change for a cup of tea. Police warned it that it was committing an offence under the Vagrancy Act and told it to move along.
After squeezing itself through the English Channel, Iceland then reappeared in Torbay later this afternoon, asking people for money to phone its mum, and was beaten up by irate scousers for nicking their prime pitch. The RSPCA were then called to take the whale into protective custody.
This Is Not My Beautiful Home
Millions of Britons came home from work today to find all of their treasured posessions on the lawn under a huge ‘Property Sold’ sign, as the banks repossessed every mortgaged house in the land.
“We’re just saving you the trouble of worrying about the future,” explained a spokesman for the nation’s major lenders. “Let’s face it, none of you have a hope in hell of keeping up with your skyrocketing monthly payments. Repossessions were already up 71% last quarter, so all we’ve done is to spare you from months of stress and uncertainty. You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve sold the lot to BP for a tidy sum, as they seem to be awash with money at the moment. What they paid us for your houses ensures the survival of Britain’s banks and, more importantly, secures our annual bonuses.”
“Don’t worry about looking after your families,” added the spokesman, before speeding off to Quaglino’s in his Bentley. “We got a few quid for them, too.”
“We’re just saving you the trouble of worrying about the future,” explained a spokesman for the nation’s major lenders. “Let’s face it, none of you have a hope in hell of keeping up with your skyrocketing monthly payments. Repossessions were already up 71% last quarter, so all we’ve done is to spare you from months of stress and uncertainty. You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve sold the lot to BP for a tidy sum, as they seem to be awash with money at the moment. What they paid us for your houses ensures the survival of Britain’s banks and, more importantly, secures our annual bonuses.”
“Don’t worry about looking after your families,” added the spokesman, before speeding off to Quaglino’s in his Bentley. “We got a few quid for them, too.”
Monday, 27 October 2008
“Back to Work, Stumpy” Says Government
The government has started telling the sick and disabled to get off their sodding arses and do some bloody work for a change.
With the introduction today of the Employment and Support Allowance, which replaces Incapacity Benefit, new claimants are to face a barrage of interviews and tests from Jobcentre staff with no medical training whatsoever.
“Anyone with at least one eye and a stump is capable of sitting at a checkout in Tesco, pushing groceries through the scanner and pressing a few buttons on the till, if they’re securely strapped to the chair,” said Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell. “Meanwhile, the mentally-deficient can be gainfully employed as coat racks or draught excluders. As for those suffering from so-called mental health issues, they can look forward to getting slapped on the cheek until they stop their pathetic whiny snivelling and pull themselves together. God, you people make me sick.”
The government hopes that the new, sterner measures will result in reducing the number of people on sickness benefits by a million, either through forcing them into undignified, meaningless non-jobs or by natural wastage through suicide.
“I’m really looking forward to learning the timetables and sitting in the rain all day holding a bus stop sign,” said one lazy multiple-sclerotic workshy in a comfortable, motorised wheelchair. “Who knows what career opportunities will be opened up by my long-overdue return to the world of employment?”
“Before my Jobcentre assessment this morning, I didn‘t care if I lived or died,” added a perfectly fit-looking young man with severe bipolar disorder but a full, working complement of arms and legs. “Now I just want to curl up and die.”
With the introduction today of the Employment and Support Allowance, which replaces Incapacity Benefit, new claimants are to face a barrage of interviews and tests from Jobcentre staff with no medical training whatsoever.
“Anyone with at least one eye and a stump is capable of sitting at a checkout in Tesco, pushing groceries through the scanner and pressing a few buttons on the till, if they’re securely strapped to the chair,” said Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell. “Meanwhile, the mentally-deficient can be gainfully employed as coat racks or draught excluders. As for those suffering from so-called mental health issues, they can look forward to getting slapped on the cheek until they stop their pathetic whiny snivelling and pull themselves together. God, you people make me sick.”
The government hopes that the new, sterner measures will result in reducing the number of people on sickness benefits by a million, either through forcing them into undignified, meaningless non-jobs or by natural wastage through suicide.
“I’m really looking forward to learning the timetables and sitting in the rain all day holding a bus stop sign,” said one lazy multiple-sclerotic workshy in a comfortable, motorised wheelchair. “Who knows what career opportunities will be opened up by my long-overdue return to the world of employment?”
“Before my Jobcentre assessment this morning, I didn‘t care if I lived or died,” added a perfectly fit-looking young man with severe bipolar disorder but a full, working complement of arms and legs. “Now I just want to curl up and die.”
Brand Fears For Bummy-Wum After On-Air Actor Abuse Incident
Addled drug-bucket Russell Brand has made a half-hearted apology of sorts to the actor Andrew Sachs after leaving two sweary and abusive messages on the erstwhile Fawlty Towers actor’s answering machine.
The manky-haired, self-adoring comedian - together with obscene money-hoover Jonathan Ross, who was a guest on his Radio 2 show - thought it would be ’funny’ to hurl a farrago of filth down the telephone wires. Both now face fines or up to six months in prison if the police receive a formal complaint, with hardened criminals reportedly queuing up to add either or both celebrity bottoms to their tally sheets.
Brand was severely chastised later in the street by irate Torquay hotelier Basil Fawlty, who screamed incoherently while beating him mercilessly with a tree branch.
Ross, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment as he was busy stuffing his mouth with TV licence-payers’ hard-earned fivers.
The manky-haired, self-adoring comedian - together with obscene money-hoover Jonathan Ross, who was a guest on his Radio 2 show - thought it would be ’funny’ to hurl a farrago of filth down the telephone wires. Both now face fines or up to six months in prison if the police receive a formal complaint, with hardened criminals reportedly queuing up to add either or both celebrity bottoms to their tally sheets.
Brand was severely chastised later in the street by irate Torquay hotelier Basil Fawlty, who screamed incoherently while beating him mercilessly with a tree branch.
Ross, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment as he was busy stuffing his mouth with TV licence-payers’ hard-earned fivers.
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