Saturday, 5 September 2009

British Women's Appalling Ignorance of Contraception Points To Horrifying Possibility

Scientists are beginning to suspect that Britain's women may have been supplanted by some hitherto-unknown lower species with a natural talent for mimicry, after a survey revealed that their idea of contraception involves stuffing a granary loaf up their aunt Mary.

Other commonly held - but woefully inept - notions of family planning include clingfilm, crisps, Coca-Cola and kebabs.

"Jesus H Christ," sobbed a crestfallen biologist. "Five hundred generations of humanity's greatest thinkers sweated blood to broaden the horizons of knowledge and understanding, and this is the end result? It makes you think. Or rather, it doesn't."

It is now feared that some kind of mindless creature with a natural talent for mimicry - like that fly that looks a bit like a wasp, or a very big virus - may, through a chance mutation, have evolved some rudimentary feature which made it more attractive to human males.

"Imagine, if you will, a virus suddenly appears sporting a magnificent pair of baps, or a fly with a nicely rounded arse," suggested Britain's leading biologist, Richard Dawkins. "That would attract a certain number of desperate, sperm-laden males to deposit their genetic material in its rudimentary front bottom. The resulting spawn would cannibalise that human DNA, perhaps developing an irresistible orange tint. In remarkably few generations, you'd have something that would resemble a human female quite closely, especially after ten pints. But in fact it would be a hideous, mindless thing with only one overriding purpose - to replicate itself endlessly. It would have a deep-seated, instinctive aversion to any form of effective contraception - hence it adopts these absurd tactics."

"Fortunately, this awful creature - if it does exist - appears to be confined in range solely to the British Isles," explained Professor Dawkins, "And only a very shallow and limited intellect would be fooled by such a mutant monstrosity."

"Bzzz," agreed his rather attractive wife, former Dr Who assistant Lalla Ward, as she repeatedly bumped her head against a window.

News and Satire: An Apology From the Nev Filter

In the light of yesterday's embarrassed announcement by two leading newspapers in Bangladesh that they ran a news story about faked moon landings without realising that their sole source for the story,, was a world-renowned satirical website that has been making up comedy news-based stories for 13 years, the Nev Filter has conducted an urgent review of its own journalistic procedures.

It is with considerable shame that I now confess to having been less than rigorous in my own daily reporting of the newsworthy events.

Some of the Nev Filter's ground-breaking reports, it now transpires, were based on nothing more substantial than an item posted on my Yahoo homepage from the notorious Sky News comedy website, a notorious source of fiction and fantasy run by James Murdoch, a well-known comedian.

Such rudimentary attempts at corroboration as were occasionally essayed by the writer involved nothing more than a quick scan through the corresponding page from BBC News - a discredited organisation of jokers which is utterly compromised by its total control by the UK Ministry of Propaganda, according to an unimpeachable source (J. Murdoch).

The Nev Filter can only apologise profusely to the readers it so shamefully misled, and from now on will only publish 100%-accurate news stories corroborated by reliable sources which are owned by such reputable paragons of truth as the Daily Mail & General Trust, Express Newspapers and Mr Murdoch's utterly trustworthy News Corporation.

Friday, 4 September 2009

Petrol-Tanker Slaughter Proves Middle-East War Not About Oil After All

Chastened NATO chiefs are investigating an airstrike in which as many as 40 Afghan civilians were reportedly killed when two petrol tankers captured by the Taleban unexpectedly exploded after being shot at.

"We thought petrol tankers only exploded like that in the movies," said a baffled spokesman for the International Security Assistance Force. "Then Colonel Ripper said he's seen Last Action Hero, and when Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the real world, bullets fired into a car just left little holes and the car drove away. So our pilots just fired a few bursts of 30mm into the tankers, thinking all the petrol would just pour out into the sand."

"Imagine their horror when there was a fucking great explosion," he continued. "They were shocked and awed to see so many towelheads running about screaming, with their towels on fire. In fact it was all they could talk about on their way back to base. They were talking about it in the mess, they were talking about it in the PX and they're still talking about it on their Facebook profiles."

The local Isaf commander is reported to have observed only insurgents in the area before calling down the airstrike, he added.

"The standard-issue M380 combat kaleidoscope which he used is infallible," he said. "It looks like a normal set of binoculars to the untrained eye - but when you turn the lenses, you see dozens of brightly-coloured little terrorists with Kalashnikovs tumbling over themselves in pretty patterns."

"Still, at least the destruction of these tankers should finally put a stop to all those whining liberals back home who keep telling the American public that the conflict in the Middle East is all about oil," he added.

Brown Outlines War Aims

In a keynote speech defending the government's strategy on Afghanistan, prime minister Gordon Brown has stymied his critics by outlining Britain's aims, calling them "realistic and achievable".

With 212 British soldiers now dead in the ongoing conflict and yesterday's resignation of defence aide and former soldier Eric Joyce, Mr Brown has been under increasing pressure to explain why Britain remains committed to a war many feel it cannot hope to win.

"Only this week I was in Afghanistan myself, bringing cheer to our hard-pressed heroes by announcing that I would be committing more troops to the theatre of operations," smiled Mr Brown. "No longer will they be distracted from achieving our aims by getting rotated out of Afghanistan at the end of their tour of duty. From now on they can stay in the front line until the job is done."

"You can imagine their happy faces when they heard that," he added.

Those War Aims In Full

1. to Greet Every New Day With a Smile;
2. to Eat Three Square Meals a Day;
3. to Take It As It Comes;
4. to Never Let The Bastards Get Us Down;
5. to Think Only Happy Thoughts;
6. to Turn Challenges Into Opportunities;
7. to Go To Work On An Egg;
8. to Drop One Dress Size by Christmas [insert year here].

Ex-Soldier Resigns From Defence Post

Falkirk MP Eric Joyce, a former army officer, has resigned as parliamentary aide to Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth, questioning the government's strategy in Afghanistan. In his resignation letter - published below - he questioned Gordon Brown's arguments for keeping British troops in the strife-torn nation:

Finished With The War: A Soldier's Declaration

"I am making this statement as an act of wilful defiance of military authority because I believe that the war is being deliberately prolonged by those who have the power to end it. I am a soldier, convinced that I am acting on behalf of other soldiers. I believe that the war upon which I entered as a war of defence and liberation has now become a war of aggression and conquest. I believe that the purposes for which I and my fellow soldiers entered upon this war should have been so clearly stated as to have made it impossible to change them and that had this been done the objects which actuated us would now be attainable by negotiation.

"I have seen and endured the sufferings of the troops and I can no longer be a party to prolonging these sufferings for ends which I believe to be evil and unjust. I am not protesting against the conduct of the war, but against the political errors and insincerities for which the fighting men are being sacrificed.

"On behalf of those who are suffering now, I make this protest against the deception which is being practised upon them; also I believe it may help to destroy the callous complacency with which the majority of those at home regard the continuance of agonies which they do not share and which they have not enough imagination to realise.

"Lt. Siegfried Sassoon, 3rd Battalion Royal Welch Fusiliers, July 1917."

A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence said that a place was being prepared in a mental institution for Mr Joyce, who was clearly suffering from Pre-Election Stress Disorder.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Public Urged To 'Run For Your Lives' From Evil TV Presenters

Members of the public were today urged to stay away from TV presenters, after two members of the notorious gang of rogues were sentenced for their reckless crime sprees.

The shadowy Chloe Madeley was banned from driving for 20 months and fined £435 by Hendon magistrates after overturning her car in a drunken crash. The erstwhile presenter of Big Brother's Foul Mouth and daughter of TV fugitives Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan - who have ominously disappeared from public view since moving to Watch TV - snarled her defiance as she sped away from the courts in the back of a taxi.

Elsewhere, the dangerous Midlands Today reporter Ashley Smith was dragged from the dock screaming bloody vengeance on society after being sent down for two years for smashing a patio umbrella pole into the face of an innocent teenager who was trying to break up a fight at the notorious criminal reporter's pub. The shaken judge later issued a stark message to the public.

"If you see a thug with a microphone and a camera operator coming towards you in the street, don't be tempted to have a go at expressing your opinions," warned Judge Peter Carr. "You risk being viciously cut by this villainous creature, and you'll either be left lying in pieces on the edit-suite floor, or end up so brutally edited that you look like a vegetable."

The public were also reminded that the notorious Noel Edmonds is still a free man, 23 years after killing a member of the public just for entertainment during rehearsals for his terrible Late, Late Breakfast Show.

Calls Grow For Inquiry To Decide What Lockerbie Inquiry Should Be About

Pressure is mounting on Gordon Brown to set up an inquiry to resolve the serious but unanswered questions regarding the release of convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, namely Who, What, Where, When, How and Why?

The prime minister called a press conference today in an attempt to face down his critics, who claim that he has been strangely reticent to say what, if anything, he thinks about the release of a man who may or may not be dying of cancer, who may or may not have planted a bomb aboard the ill-fated airliner, whose trial may or may not have been compromised by US and British security services, to a country which may or may not be our ally in the war on terror, in a deal which may or may not be linked to trade and which may or may not have been urged on the Scottish Parliament by Westminster.

"I may or may not order an inquiry into the release of this evil terrorist who may or may not be the victim of a terrible miscarriage of justice," declared a confident Mr Brown. "Or I may or may not set one up to look into his conviction. Then again, it may or may not be up to me. The decision may or may not be the prerogative of the SNP-dominated Scottish Parliament, whose decision to release this man may or may not have been influenced by the wishes of the Labour government in London."

Britain's papers are now so chock-full of questions about al-Megrahi's release that they are leaking out all over the place. An assistant manager at the Ealing Broadway branch of WH Smith told reporters:

"That's the fourth bin-bag of Lockerbie questions I've had to sweep up and put into a skip, and that's just today. In the last week or so I think I've seen every question that can possibly be asked about Lockerbie inquiries, except for three: How Much Will It Cost, Does It Really Matter and Is There Nothing Else Going On In The World Right Now That We Might Conceivably Want To Know About?"

"But I don't suppose anybody's interested in those," he shrugged.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Environmental Disaster Narrowly Averted By Toxic Heavy Metal Light-Bulbs

The world was saved from turning into a roasting Venus-like hell today, thanks to the timely abolition of evil tungsten light-bulbs by the heroic European Union.

Global temperatures have already dropped to nominal levels, endangered species are breeding like never before and the hole in the ozone layer is rapidly closing up, say some men in white lab-coats.

"Today's Europe-wide ban on the sale of evil old-fashioned light-bulbs completes stage two of our masterplan," said Professor Oz Ram. "As I speak, stage three is being implemented. There is no cause for alarm. You will shortly be receiving a visit from one of our dedicated clean-up teams, who have a warrant to enter your home, smash any remaining evil bulbs with baseball bats and arrest you for your part in a nefarious plot to destroy the planet. Please remain calm."

"Saintly light-bulb manufacturers have selflessly put the profit motive to one side in order to meet the demand for fluorescent lights," explained Dr Phil Lips. "And it's cost them - I mean us - a pretty penny in increased manufacturing costs, let me tell you. Regrettably, we - sorry, they - will almost certainly be forced to hike the price up sharply in order to return to our- whoops, their previous levels of profitability."

"Unfortunately, there now remains the slight problem of what to do with all that horrifically toxic mercury when the bulbs wear out and go into landfill," sighed Dr Maz Da. "Perhaps we could look into the possibility of banning these deadly fluorescent deathtraps and replacing them with LED arrays, like cyclists use. They use very little power, and really will last for years. However, setting up new production lines costs a few bob, and it's jolly nice having a captive market - er, so I'm told - so our advice for the next few years is to buy as many cuddly, evil fluorescent tubes as possible."

Poland Raises Collective Eyebrow

Prime Minister Vladimir Rasputin yesterday commemorated the Nazi invasion of Poland in 1939 by pointing out that, although the Soviet Union may also have inadvertently invaded Poland in accordance with the agreement it secretly made with its good chum Hitler, it was forced to do so by Britain and France.

"Had Britain and France not been so eager to sell Czechoslovakia down the river in 1938 by signing the Munich Agreement, World War Two would quite simply never have happened," smiled Mr Rasputin, in a brief respite from crossing out large chunks from a history book and writing his own copious notes in the margin. "Comrade Stalin was loudly telling the whole world that Hitler was absolutely crapping himself and would certainly have resigned immediately, if they'd only had the guts to stand up to his feeble armed forces - which we knew all about, having trained them on our territory for fifteen years or so."

Mr Rasputin went on to explain to the somewhat surprised citizens of Gdansk how Stalin was only restrained from taking on the Nazi war machine himself by the unfortunately-timed, and entirely accidental, execution of most of his own officers.

"As it is, our armed forces only burst into Eastern Poland in order to save as many Poles as possible from the murderous onslaught of our splendid Nazi allies, " he suggested. "As for the so-called Katyn massacre - which even horrified the Nazis when they discovered the mass grave containing the corpses of 20,000 Polish army officers - this was almost certainly an early outbreak of deadly swine flu, which was fortunately contained by the swift humanitarian actions of uniformed Soviet medical experts."

If only Britain and France had declared war on Nazi Germany in 1938, argued Mr Putin, all of Russia would have been mobilised to help them to defeat the evil fascists.

"Unfortunately, by the time Britain and France did declare war on Nazi Germany a year later, Comrade Stalin had signed the Ribbentrop Pact with Hitler, putting him in a bit of an embarrassing position," he sighed. "Even so, he really wanted to help - but unfortunately, the newly-promoted generals who were tasked with the invasion of Germany were holding their maps the wrong way up, and attacked Finland instead. It took the sudden, unannounced Nazi blitzkrieg which swept across our borders in 1941 for anyone to actually remember where Germany was."

Meanwhile, Poland's purple-faced president, Lech Kaczynski, is today said to be still attempting to pick his jaw up off the floor.

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Killing Innocent Bystander Was 'Proportionate', Say Police

Police have defended their behaviour during the G20 protests in London, citing 30 injuries received by officers carrying out Operation Glencoe Massacre and claiming that their response - leading to one death and 80 separate reports of assault to the Independent Police Complaints Commission, which is also looking at 50 complaints about 'kettling' tactics - was "proportionate".

"Evenin' all. What you have to remember is that the Climate Camp was nothing less than an attempt to overthrow civilisation by bloodthirtsy revolutionaries who want to eat your children," said Inspector Savage, a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police Federation.

"One of our number was callously scalded while trying to figure out how to make a cup of tea at the Excel Centre, another was bitten by a rioting dog and another was lucky to survive after tripping over a crypto-anarchist safety barrier," he explained. "Worst of all, a colleague from the City of London force suffered a stiff neck after being cruelly forced to wear a heavy helmet. Surrounded by such dire threats to life and limb, is it any wonder some brave officers on the spot exercised their legal right to murder a newspaper vendor?"

"The injuries show the level of violence that was shown towards police during the protest," he concluded.

"Mind how you go now," he told the press conference, before tripping over his shoelace and laying into the front row of reporters with his baton.

Lemmings Puzzled By Behaviour of British Humans

Lemmings from Norway are to study the bizarre behaviour of the British human, a primitive, rat-like creature which hurls itself off cliffs every summer for no readily apparent reason.

"Masses of these simple animals migrate westward to their dismal, rainswept coast of Cornwall every summer, for reasons we cannot fathom," said lead researcher Sven Lemming. "But they just don't seem able to stop, and many of them go on to plummet to their deaths over the nearest cliff. Only yesterday, a human narrowly survived a 50ft fall onto rocks at Mevagissey. Apparently the poor dumb animal thought this was a good way to catch fish. And the beaches of Newquay are littered every summer with the pulpy remains of humans who climbed over fences and railings to leap to their doom. They seem to possess some kind of anti-Darwinian self-culling instinct."

The bizarre self-obliterating habits of the British human seem to be in some way linked to water. Rivers, ponds and water-filled quarries across the country are said to be dangerously clogged with soggy corpses - many of them juveniles, who the lemmings believe may have died while practicing the atavistic death-plunge which is the hallmark of their species. Other juveniles and young adults indulge in a strange mating display called 'tombstoning', where they will jump from cliffs, rocks and piers into about three inches of water to impress a squawking female.

"No body of water is too small for these animals to fulfil their unconscious desire for a watery grave, and nor can they resist the primeval urge to plummet to their deaths from any available ledge," said Dr Lemming. "Hotels all over the world are infested with migrating British humans hell-bent on wedging their heads in the swimming-pool filter or toppling off the balcony."

However, some lemmings suspect the tales of mass suicide are not what they appear.

"British humans are generally sluggish, indolent creatures who prefer not to stray far from their foul-smelling nests," said Professor Erik Lemming, who has risked his life to live among the British humans in order to study their strange habits. "I believe this so-called 'instinct' is in fact an unnaturally-engineered phenomenon, carried out for chiefly the benefit of nearby cameras."

Despite their propensity for self-inflicted death, however, the British human is not in any danger of extinction.

"They seem to be incredibly fecund little critters, producing litter after litter of squealing young from an early age," said Dr Sven. "Although - given their many other unappealing habits - if they were to die out, I can't say the world would really miss them."