Wednesday, 12 January 2011

‘Death To My Enemies,’ Urges Palin In The Nicest Possible Way

This picture is completely meaningless
America’s next idiot president, Sarah Palin, has reacted angrily to suggestions that publishing a graphic of congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords with cross-hairs superimposed on it might in some way have given ranty loner gunman Jared Looner the idea to shoot her.

“Anti-American gay commies are making unresponsible statements about mah rilly responsible publicity campaign,” screeched Ms Palin. “Well, since when did anyone ever take anything ah say seriously? Ha! Got ya there, ya pinko scumbags!”

“Ah urge all mah supporters to grab their weapons, go out and shoot me a lefty liberal before sundown,” she screamed in a video statement aired across the United States. “Of course, ah mean this solely in the context of political rhetoric, and it should in no way be taken as a call to pump every last filthy Democrat fulla lead.”

“Let me make this crystal clear,” she added vehemently, as images of every Democratic politician flashed across the nation’s screens, marked with 50 points on the chest and 100 for a headshot. “The last idea ah want to put in mah supporters’ redneck heads is a massive armed uprising against the Democrats, who undoubtedly deserve to go down in a hail of bullets, and anybody who says otherwise must be put up against a hypothetical wall and metaphorically shot.”

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Tate & Lyle Nominated For Nobel Prize

The pharmacist will see you now
Shortly after the General Pharmaceutical Council’s dismissal of charges against a pharmacy chain which sells sugar to idiots who think that vaccines are all a big plot to kill them, the Nobel Committee announced that Tate & Lyle were now the front-runners for this year’s outstanding contribution to medicine.

A spokesman for Ainsworths, the chemists who recommend homeopathy for malaria prevention, leapt up from behind the counter wearing a huge, terrifying mask, shook his juju bag until a corner of a sugar lump fell out and screamed, “That’ll be 25 quid mate.”

“Look, it’s pyramid shaped too,” he added as he pranced about, shaking a large twig topped with an Action Man head. “That’s the best immunisation that money can buy.”

Tracey Brown - the director of Sense About Science, which brought the charges - told reporters: “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” before emigrating in search of a country where at least one person in authority has more intelligence than a whelk.