Paxman Still Hurling Minister’s Guts From Television Centre Roof

Thrill-seeking Newsnight audiences ran screaming from their televisions last night, as an enraged Jeremy Paxman suddenly broke free from his token restraints and tore a whimpering Shitey Chloe Young limb from limb.

Nothing can survive a blow from the terrible claw of Paxman

The roaring beast – promoted by his handlers as ‘the last of his kind’ – was deceptively docile at first, but the moment the pretty young minister flounced onto the set his mood became increasingly wild and agitated.

The menacing grey gorilla toyed with her at first, prodding her playfully and rolling his eyes every time she tried desperately to soothe his massive, furrowed brow by repeating a quavering song about “households and businesses”. Suddenly breaking free from his restraint, however, he horrified his gawping audience by snapping his unequal challenger’s head off and ripping her to pieces, before rampaging through the emptied Television Centre to clamber onto the roof - from where he continues to shower the BBC car park with gory chunks of the hapless treasury junior.

“I smelt the fear the moment I switched on the telly,” cringed a traumatised eyewitness, cowering behind a back bench. “Why on earth wasn’t the Great Shite Chunterer on hand to shoot down this terrifying monster?”

A sheepish David Cameron today insisted that Mr Osborne had, in fact, fully intended to face down the legendary monster - but explained that the chancellor had unfortunately taken several wrong turns on the way to the studio before finally running out of fuel in a blind alley leading nowhere.

CofE Bishops Threaten To End 500 Years Of Poking Noses Into Secular Matters Of State

A bishop ponders the ineffable holiness of matrimony

In a strongly-worded declaration, the Church of England has warned that unless the government abandons plans to grant same-sex couples the same rights to the word 'marriage' which everyone else enjoys, it will bring five centuries of constitutional meddling in everybody else’s business to an abrupt end.

“Cor strike a light! Us what's in the established church can’t bear to fink abaht one geeza fondling anuvva geeza’s bum - which is why we finks abaht it all the bleedin' time!” exploded the state religion, in its submission to the home office consultation on drastic proposals to allow same-sex couples to use the same word for their relationships as owners of non-matching genitals. "Stands to reason, dannit?"

“Blimey, if this perversion uv Gawd Almighty’s special bladdy word goes froo I reckon, right, we'd just afta walk aht the 'ouse of Lords – which is where we vote on matters of vital bladdy importance to the 'ole bleedin lot uv yer, guided solely by the unparalleled words uv wisdom wot sam bunch uv wogs in the Middle East cooked up fahsands uv years ago - an' stroll straight into the lavin' arms uv the BNP,” explained the Bishop of Leicester. “Just bleedin' fink for a second, if yer will, wot old Darky Sentamu must be finkin' abaht that.”

“If marriage was good enough for Jesus an' them twelve buggers wot 'ung rahnd wiv 'im, it bladdy orta be good enough for you, yer bleedin' poofters,” he added vehemently. “Er...”

Man Unfit To Run Media Empire Defended By Woman Unfit To Be MP

Spot the hideous parasitic sucker

Top Tory masturbation fantasy and Lady Thatcher impersonator Louise Schmuck today appeared on all channels simultaneously to explain to her intellectual inferiors why – contrary to received wisdom, common sense and the evidence of her own two eyes - Rupert Murdoch is nothing less than the acme of business morality.

“I and my less glamorous Tory colleagues on the Culture Committee disagree strongly with its conclusion that any rational human being would rather wear radioactive knickers than trust the saintly Mr Murdoch any further than they could throw him,” she simpered, speaking from the elderly press baron’s trousers.

When reminded that, coincidentally, Mr Murdoch happens to be the publisher of her sister’s books, Ms Schmuck’s permanent smile cracked and fell off, revealing a hideous parasitic sucker which literary experts say could be a some kind of metaphor.

Cameron Sees ‘No Evidence’ Of Hague Eating Baby

The PM didn't see it, therefore it didn't happen

A defiant David Cameron told an angry House of Commons today that he had seen “no evidence” of foreign secretary William Hague devouring a baby alive as he arrived five minutes early for this morning’s cabinet meeting.

“After an unfortunate encounter with the door frame, I stepped into the cabinet room to be met by a respectful silence from my colleagues,” declared the prime minister, waving his white stick at what he thought to be the opposition benches.

“My radiantly attractive home secretary, young Mrs May, told me not to worry if I thought I could smell blood, as Mr Osborne was having one of his nosebleeds again," he added. "Then Mr Hague belched in his typically forthright, northern way, which rather broke the ice, and we got down to discussing the issues facing mauve people in Britain today.”

Mr Cameron also denied that Britain was in recession, saying that he had never seen so many busy shops in Britain’s high streets, before walking out of the chamber with his head held high and into the broom cupboard.

Catholic Leader Suddenly Discovers Keen Interest In Something Other Than Sex

Just as education secretary Michael Gove orders an investigation into whether Catholic schools acted illegally in urging pupils to sign a petition against gay marriage, Cardinal Keith O’Brien - the head of the Catholic church in Scotland - has suddenly found that he is vitally concerned with the welfare of the poor.

How is it fair that some people live like me? demands the Cardinal

“Imagine my surprise when I heard that, in the rare moments when Jesus wasn’t ranting about the evils of bum sex, our Lord and Saviour expressed a passing interest in the less well off,” said the Cardinal. “’My word,’ I thought to myself, ‘That seemed to go down rather well with people. Perhaps I should try going down with people myself.’"

Cardinal O’Brien admitted that, engrossed as he was in saving the world from the awful plight of gay weddings, he had somehow failed to notice that the rich get richer and the poor get - children, and that this had apparently been considered “fun” for quite some time.

“This is, of course, entirely the fault of governments,” he maintained, speaking from his lavish mansion in Edinburgh’s Morningside district. “As a leader of the Catholic church, I positively welcome any measures which encourage people not to breed.”

Dummies Barred From Politics: Westminster Empty

Exhibit A, Your Honour

The arrest of an Aberdeen woman under the Representation Of The People Act, for the crime of entering her shop window dummy as a local election candidate, has left Britain in an unprecedented power vacuum after Scotland Yard raided the House of Commons.

The discovery, by Grampian Police, that a dummy cannot legally stand for election under UK law left the wind whistling through the deserted corridors of the Palace of Westminster, as the nation’s 650 MPs were unceremoniously flung into skips and carted off to Madame Tussauds to be melted down.

“There’s a bit of a debate going on about the exact legal status of the unelected dummies in the House of Lords, as many of them were placed there by the illegally-elected dummies,” admitted a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police. “As you might imagine, though, it’s indescribably tedious and nobody from our legal team has yet managed to stay awake.”

Gorgeous George Galloway Brings Down Establishment

George Galloway - the respected moral authority, dictator enthusiast, oil collector and pussy fancier - is to meet the queen later today, ask her if she fancies a quick one round the back of the throne and accept her invitation to form a government, following his sensational overthrow of the entire discredited Tory-Labour-Lib Dem axis of evil.

A creep not sucking up to a tyrant, in a meeting which never happened

Mr Galloway’s anti-imperialist idol, President Assad of Syria, was the first to send his congratulations on the Great Respecter’s routing of the Zionist forces of reaction, saying: “What a breath of fresh air. The free people of Syria believe that your reforming zeal and your vision of Britain as a genuinely independent European country is one that is widely appreciated across the Middle East. I am very impressed by your knowledge, by your sharpness, by your flexible mind, by your selective amnesia. I am very, very impressed. Britain is lucky to have you as her prime minister.”

Speaking through a ouija board from the innermost circle of Hell, where he is currently being skewered by red-hot pokers for the next thousand centuries, the blood-soaked soul of Saddam Hussein also offered warm congratulations to the Respect Party’s humanitarian founder: “Sir, I salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability and I want you to know that we are with you, until victory, until Jerusalem is a Jew-free zone yes no hello goodbye.”

Mr Galloway’s first respectful act as PM-for-life will be to thank his heroes for their kind words of wisdom, deny ever meeting them and call anyone who suggests otherwise a drink-soaked former Trotskyite popinjay. He will then stop all of the bad things in the world forever, starting with the iniquitous and unjust pasty tax.

Clegg Thanks Party For Gift Of Knife In Back

This is a smile, and Nick Clegg has the respect of his party

Wearing his best upside-down smile, Nick Clegg wiped a tear from his eye at the Liberal Democrats’ spring conference in Gateshead as he thanked the party faithful for the touching gift they presented to him yesterday - which took the form of a gleaming stainless-steel scalpel, pinning between his shoulder blades a heartfelt note thanking him for all he has done for the party’s reputation in the two years since becoming deputy prime minister.

“I can’t quite reach round to pull it out and have a good look at it,” apologised Mr Clegg bravely, as delighted NHS paramedics gleefully threw him in the back of an ambulance bound for the Royal Cornwall Hospital. “But Shirley Williams tells me it’s a marvellous example of British precision toolmaking which I should definitely show to David Cameron, if he comes to visit me.”

U-Turn On Non-Existent Sanctions To Topple Government

Turns out it wasn't such a bad idea after all

David Cameron’s coalition government is balanced precariously on the brink of collapse today after being forced into an humiliating U-turn - announcing the abolition of work-experience sanctions which, it insisted, never existed in the first place.

“Due entirely to a miserable little non-campaign by a tiny number of diehard Stalinists, I am pleased to announce that dolescum who are warmly recommended by the Jobcentre to report to the nearest supermarket, if they know what’s good for them, for a two-month crash course in placing jam in neat little rows will no longer face the imaginary threat of losing their benefits should they fail to be absolutely delighted by the CV-enhancing skillset which they are acquiring,” mumbled employment minister Chris Grayling yesterday, as floods of Britain’s biggest employers swiftly dropped the scheme like a live rattlesnake.

Leading political commentators agree that the government has been fatally weakened by its craven abolition of the non-existent penalty, and are confidently predicting a vote of no confidence in the coalition - forcing an emasculated David Cameron to call a snap election which will see the Socialist Workers’ Party swept into everlasting power on a tidal wave of proletarian enthusiasm.

Republicans Consider Parachuting Credible Candidate Into Convention, Possibly Jeb Bush

As realisation slowly dawns on the Republican party that all of their presidential candidates are drooling idiots, plans are hastily being drawn up to write off the billions spent on their caucus campaigns and leave it to the party convention in August to select a credible new candidate whose impressive stature will lead the wider American public to desert Barack Obama in droves. George W Bush’s brother Jeb has been mentioned.

This is what Republicans call 'a statesman'

“The Republican core constituency loves a traditional Old-Testament tub-thumper with foam flying from his mouth,” explained former GOP chairman Haley Barbour. “Problem is, Americans who don’t marry their cousins shit themselves dry at the prospect of some Jesus freak, who knows for a fact that Satan has a factory in hell churning out dinosaur bones, drumming his fingers on the nuclear button every morning and asking himself whether this is the day God wants him to declare Armageddon open for business.”

Meanwhile the corporate interests which have been bankrolling the current presidential candidates from state to state are understood to be willing to write off their huge capital investments to date, rationalising that the Republicans “will owe them big time” when it comes to throwing out every bill President Obama puts before Congress.

“Oh please, Bre’r Barbour, doan t’row dat prickly ol’ Jeb Bush ‘cross de ribber at poor li’l me,” pleaded the Democrat incumbent, rolling his eyes and collapsing in fits of laughter.

Liberal Democrat Keeps Promise

Following his arrest on charges of perverting the course of justice over his wife’s claim that he dodged a speeding ticket, ex-energy secretary Chris Huhne is today facing widespread calls to challenge Nick Clegg for the leadership of the Liberal Democrats after becoming the first MP of the coalition government’s minority party to actually fulfil a promise he gave to the British public – i.e. to resign his cabinet post if he was charged with a criminal offence.

The most truthful liar in Parliament

“Obviously, Chris Huhne is a suspected liar, cheat and self-serving rat,” explained the Nev Filter’s veteran Westminster correspondent, Nev. “On the other hand, the entire country knows through bitter personal experience that all the other Lib Dems are compulsive and habitual liars, cheats and self-serving rats – which, for the time being at least, makes him the most honest minion of the whole rotten syndicate.”

Scotland Mysteriously Not Quite So Keen On Independence

Scots just love to talk about their independence

Scotland is crying foul today after Britain’s prime minister, David Cameron, actually offered them the independence referendum the entire Caledonian nation has been demanding “soon” for many years.

“OK then, Scotland, if it’s what you really want, of course you can vote to stand financially on your own two feet at long last,” declared Mr Cameron. “Only make up your minds soon, will you? Because the rest of us are sick and tired of hearing you droning on and on about nothing else since 1801, without ever once lifting a finger yourselves to actually make it happen.”

Scotland the not quite so brave now, are we

“You’re welcome to the last dregs of North Sea oil and gas,” he added. “Just think how far that’ll go towards paying for subsidised university education and hill farming, a welfare state all of your very own, a decent health service including free prescriptions and liver replacements, and importing all your Buckfast tonic wine and Mars Bars needs. Good luck with that. Bye now.”

“Och, you smug wee Sassenach cunt,” commented white-faced Scottish PM Alex Salmond.

“Oh, and one more thing,” added Mr Cameron. “All your loyal patriots who haven’t set foot north of the border for thirty or forty years had better sort themselves out some passports and start applying for work permits. If they do any, that is. The rest of you might want to start hitching now - I gather lifts to Glasgow are pretty few and far between.”

2m Cambodians Died Of Gratitude, Insists Brother Number Two

Nuon Chea, the right-hand man of Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot, who is on trial for his part in the deaths of two million Cambodian victims of the regime’s disastrous social experiment, insisted that the Khmer Rouge were in fact jolly decent chaps and all-round good eggs whose sole flaw was an excess of kindness.

Thanks a lot

“I don't want the next generations to misunderstand the history. I don't want them to misunderstand that the Khmer Rouge are bad people, are criminals,” said the 85-year-old, defending himself against charges of war crimes, genocide and crimes against humanity. “There’s a very real danger that we might be misrepresented to future generations - like poor old Hitler, a clean-living fellow whose sole ambition in life was to give all the smelly Jews of Europe a free wash. How was he to know that their farts would be so toxic in a confined space?”

Cambodia’s ‘Brother Number Two’ suggested that the two million victims of his movement’s simple enthusiasm for country living had, in fact, expired due to an excess of sheer gratitude.

“Either that or a sudden, tragic outbreak of Vietnam,” he added helpfully.

Church Of England Topples Government

Bearded religious fanatics, but in a good way

Millions of ecstatic Britons thronged the streets today, openly firing prayers into the air, after hearing the news that David Qameron’s hated coalition regime has at last been successfully overthrown in a desperate verbal assault by 18 Anglican bishops in this morning’s Observer.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has been formally appointed as pastoral caretaker PM by Her Majesty (Angela Merkel), and said he was working hard to form a new government of Britain’s top theocrats.

Even as the bishops were receiving their ministerial appointments, however, the search for the fugitive Colonel Qameron and his evil cohorts continued, amid speculation that they may be making a last stand in their traditional strongholds in the commuter belt or the countryside - or, in the case of Nick al-Clegg, a damp and dismal hole in the ground (either Scotland or Cornwall).

Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop and Justice Secretary of York, told reporters: “Dearly beloved, I have gathered you here today to acknowledge the sins of the Qameron clan, who have fallen from grace and landed on their arses with an almighty thump. Although our heavenly Father in his infinite wisdom and mercy seems to have temporarily hidden them from mortal sight, yet shall we continue to look for them even, as it were, through a glass darkly. We shall seek them amongst the cedars of Surbiton. We shall not fear them, yea, even though we walk through the shadows of the valley of debt. And when at last we shall find them, there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth as we forgive them.”

Tired Old Spitting Image Jokes Revisited

Dr Liam Fox’s Birthday Party
Fox: What would you like to eat, Dave?
Cameron: I’ll have the steak.
Fox: How would you like it?
Cameron: Lean. (sobs) Very, very lean.
Fox: And what about the vegetables?
Cameron: You and Mrs Thatcher will have the same as me.

Darling: Why We Had To Leave The Country In The Hands Of A Raving Lunatic For Three Years

The horse's head was just a friendly hint, said Brown

On the Andrew Marr Plays Guitar Show today, former Chancellor Alistair Darling sensationally revealed the reason why he and David Miliband chose not to topple delusional megalomaniac Gordon Brown when they had the chance.

“At the end point you had say you had to get borrowing down,” explained the traumatised ex-chancellor. “Which is another way of saying: ‘take a sodding great axe to public services, the welfare state, the NHS and all those other things people think are essential’.”

“David Miliband and I met and discussed whether there was any way of getting rid of Gordon, i.e. telling the world about his hour-long ranting fits and his utter pig-headed refusal to recognise an economic disaster even as it came crashing down around his ears,” he revealed. “But then David said to me, ‘Hang on a minute, Snowy - if we punt Gordon into the long grass, then one of us is going to have to fuck the country sideways. Why don’t we just let the Tories do it for us and take all the flak instead? Then we can just shrug and say it was all Gordon’s fault, and coast back into power when the plebs give them the boot in four years’ time?’ So there you have it. It was all Gordon’s fault and nobody else’s, and if he even thought I was looking like I might spill the beans, the psychotic maniac would undoubtedly have kicked my teeth in and handed them back to me as cufflinks. Or told his devoted henchman, Balls, to do it.”

“Vote Labour in 2013, folks,” he added hopefully.

Government Limits MPs To Two Rioters Per House

The government has announced that, regardless of the number of home improvements they would like done free of charge at the taxpayers’ expense, MPs will still only be allocated a maximum of two convicted rioters per household.

“This is sanctimonious penny-pinching at its worst,” spluttered backbencher Richard Graft. “Jacqui Smith only wanted a bit of painting in one measly room, and she got two offenders. I need my entire Westminster pied-a-terre rewired for 7:1 Dolby Surround in every room, including the balcony overlooking the Thames – now it’s going to take bloody weeks.”

How about a new constituency office?

PM David Cameron, however, insisted that there was a limited number of rioters, but many of them were receiving long sentences which would simply not be fulfilled by fixing up every MP’s wish list in the short term.

“What I would ask every parliamentarian to do is to search his or her heart for long-term projects which will be of lasting value to the entire community,” he said, “MPs should consider connecting their mansions and their constituency offices with an underground railway, or artfully concealing an Olympic-sized swimming pool beneath a colossal ha-ha. These tasks will take two members of the criminal underclass years to complete.”

Nev Filter To Force MPs To Consider The Reintroduction Of Branding For Mopery

Echoing right-wing ‘Guido Fawkes’ blogger Paul Staines’ efforts to raise 100,000 signatures to force a Commons debate on bringing back the death penalty, another self-important nobody whose one-sided rants aren’t worth paying for has announced his intention to put branding for those convicted of the former catch-all crime of mopery back on the statute books.

Right, now go and find something useful to do with yourself

“All the more so since the schools broke up for summer, the streets of our once-great nation are now teeming with unsavoury youths in damned silly headphones loitering openly with the clear intention of doing nothing in particular,” seethed Neville Mann, writer, editor and sole reader of the Nev Filter. “Gone are the days when our hamstrung police could act to nip such criminal behaviour in the bud before it leads inevitably to sheep-stealing, gin-sodden sottishness and highway robbery. It is high time we reintroduced branding with hot irons for these lurking ne’er-do-wells, and I urge 99,999 like-minded public-spirited citizens to join with me in demanding the restoration of sanity to our pavements.”

“I am not a cruel man,” insisted Mr Mann. “Whilst the thought of plucking out their eyes, hacking their hands off and sealing their oozing wounds with boiling tar gives me many a night’s pleasant dreams, nevertheless I do realise the impracticality of creating a new legion of disability benefit scroungers.”

“And I can’t condone their transportation to Australia,” he fumed, “When I, a gifted writer of rare distinction, was told I didn’t have enough bloody points to get in.”

Anarcho Squad To Arrest Francis Maude

Francis Maude, or someone who looks quite like him

City of Westminster police are preparing to storm the Houses of Parliament this aftrernoon, after a call for the public to inform on anarchists resulted in switchboards being jammed with warnings about the Conservative party, and Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude in particular.

“Anarchism is a political philosophy which considers the state undesirable, unnecessary, and harmful, and instead promotes a stateless society, or anarchy,” warned the City of Westminster’s counter-terrorism focus desk, on the same day that Mr Maude cheerfully admitted the wholesale wanton destruction of the machinery of government – with 17,000 civil servants taken out and many major infrastructure projects stopped dead in their tracks as part of a carefully-orchestrated £3.75bn assault on the very foundations of state.

“This is just scratching the surface of what we have planned for the coming months and years,” taunted the black-suited Maude on his notorious anarchist website, http://www.cabinetoffice.gov.uk.

“Remember, lads, the primary objective is this jumped-up little prick Maude, who struts around the gaff looking like Boris Yeltsin,” Inspector Savage of the Westminster Bastard Squad briefed his team as they eagerly smacked their nail-encrusted truncheons into their gloved palms. “But if you happen to see that budget-slashing creep Cameron, or his nihilist accomplices George Osborne or Theresa May, the odd riot shield in the teeth certainly won’t go amiss.”

Labour Still Under Misapprehension That Better-Off Would Actually Set Foot Inside NHS Hospitals

Not if my bloody life depended on it, say Tory voters

Despite decades of private healthcare take-up by everyone who has the wherewithal to put a price on their health, the Labour Party today angrily accused the government of transferring funds to NHS trusts in Tory-supporting parts of the country - at the expense of its own voters in the provincial urban warzones.

"A responsible government, which cared about health and equalities, that cared about the health of the poor, would not be taking money away from inner-city areas full of uncritical lifelong Labour supporters,” said shadow health minister Diane Abbott, adding: “This isn’t about politics.”

“What on earth makes you think we’re spending more on the NHS in Conservative strongholds, you silly woman?” retorted health secretary Angela Lansbury. “That would be like the Queen taking the burnt-out shell of car out of a scrapyard, giving it a quick coat of whitewash and setting it up on bricks in front of Buckingham Palace, wouldn’t it?”

Voters in the Tory heartlands were equally dismissive of the Labour claims.

“I’d welcome the government putting more cash into the Royal Surrey,” commented futures trader Rob Blind of Guildford, as he booked himself in for mole removal at the private Nuffield cosmetic surgery clinic on the same site as the NHS county hospital. “As long as they spend it on screening the bloody thing with poplars, so I don’t have to look at hordes of diseased paupers wheeling their drips around as they hunt for somewhere to have a fag.”