Nev Filter Killed By Avalanche Of 'Amusing' Cat Photos

One long-running - and long-unread - satire blog, The Nev Filter, died today as 'hilarious' pictures of cats burst their databanks and flooded the entire internet.
The dead art of satire was found later to be stubbornly incapable of condensing real-world issues into short sentence composed of not more than six words and superimposing them over a random photograph of a cat - possibly wearing sunglasses - which rescue services say would undoubtedly have saved it.
"The Nev Filter will be sorely missed," sobbed grieving parent Nev, "Mainly by me, as I will now be forced to spend two hours a day doing something worthwhile."
"I would like to thank the public for both their support," he added, "Except, of course, for the well-intentioned but tragically inappropriate pictures of cats they sent me."

Everyone In Britain Too Busy Raping Children To Heed Deputy Children’s Commissioner’s Warning

Every girl in Britain has been repeatedly gang-raped by the age of 11, deputy children’s commissioner Sue Chickenowitz-Littlowitz shrieked at a shocked Commons Affairs Committee today.

“As one police officer who was the lead in a very big investigation in a very lovely, leafy, rural part of the country said to me: ‘There isn't a town, village or hamlet in which children are not being sexually exploited.’ Well, what he actually said when I put it to him was “Er, I wouldn’t know about that exactly, missus’ - but that’s not a denial, is it???” the wide-eyed chicken screeched in horror. "We should start from the assumption that all the children in Britain are being sexually exploited right the way across the country!!! By everybody!!! All the time!!! Even as we speak!!!”

Ban this evil thing now

The frantic Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz painted a grim picture of innocence lost, in which the wicked internet monster slyly lures sweet little girls into the nearest park with false promises of sugar, spice and all things nice, whereupon hundreds of local boys – all of them transformed into sex-crazed maniacs by a dangerous cocktail of slugs, snails and puppy-dogs’ tails – cruelly force them to perform something horrid on their tiny winkies for two hours each.

"I wish I could say to you that such things are uncommon,” she screeched, “But I'm afraid they are quite common!!! And parental blocks on the internet won’t help, because it’s the parents who are encouraging it, I tell you!!! Arrest them all immediately!!!"

When the astonished committee cautiously thanked the wild-eyed Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz for her valuable time and told her they would take her “most interesting” statement under advisement, she launched herself across the desk, clawing at their trousers and demanding to know where they had hidden their underage sex slaves.

Now Google Can See You Wanking To Hitler In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Garden, Daily Mail Warns Readers

And, of course, it may give you cancer

A horrified Daily Mail has warned that Google and Apple are using ex-USAF SR-71 spy planes to overfly its readers’ secluded gardens at Mach 3, for the sole purpose of taking intimate photos of them with their SS trousers around their ankles as they innocently masturbate over pictures of their beloved Adolf Hitler.

“These sick images are so detailed that everyone on the internet will be able to tell at a glance whether the subject is circumcised or not,” shrieked editor Paul Dacre, who has suddenly lost all enthusiasm for the argument that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. “Their photos of you, I mean, not your photos of Hitler.”

Arab Spring Enthusiasts Strangely Muted As Egyptians Vote For Fundamentalism Or Oppression

With most Egyptians voting for members of the Muslim Brotherhood or the oprressive government they overthrew in their democratic presidential election, the world eagerly awaits the thoughts of Facebook’s legion of pro-democracy campaigners on the matter.

Take your pick for the age of Aquarius

“The peaceful overthrow of the Mubarak regime, we were assured by hourly posts last year, heralded nothing less than the beginning of a new Aquarian age of unprecedented human advancement,” said Josh Geake, whose perception of everything that happens in the world is filtered through Facebook. “Now that Egypt is poised to wind the clock back either 50 years to authoritarian rule by the military or 1000 years to authoritarian rule by religious nutters, I have to say find myself in serious need of further enlightenment as to how this might usher in a new era of freedom for humanity.”

“I was led to believe that, once the people take control of their destiny, only groovy things can happen,” he frowned in bafflement. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly sensible explanation for what’s happened here, but frankly I’d much prefer hippies filling my Newsfeed with the stuff of dreams.”

Test Proves Queen Capable Of Converting Text To Speech

Shiny thing make it all better

Artificial intelligence specialists pronounced themselves delighted with this morning’s State Opening of Parliament, in which the experimental text-to-speech app they installed in the Queen has proved itself fully capable of rendering even the most incomprehensible scribble into something closely resembling rational speech.

“If the software was going to trip over the test data anywhere, it was likely to be the gag about spotting terrorists by reading the entire internet in realtime,” laughed Dr Mel Strangelove, the project leader who, only last month, upgraded Queen Elizabeth II to Android Ice Cream Sandwich.

“We heard Apple were running a sweepstake on which bit would make Her Majesty stutter and crash, but we always knew she’d sail through without a glitch.” Dr Strangelove added that the Queen had now been put into standby mode and returned to the software lab, where developers hope she will soon be capable of looking at modern art and working out what it is supposed to represent.

Millions Facing Misery Of Paying For Other People’s Hard Work

Brave dissidents from the repressive dictatorship of Britain are desperately trying to raise global awareness of their terrible suffering today, after a Nazi in a wig ordered cowering internet service providers to deny them the fundamental human right to steal all the music they want.

“Britain’s brutal declaration of war on the innocent plunderers of Pirate Bay is exactly how Hitler kicked off,” tweeted heroic activists, many of whom have vowed to die fighting if they are cruelly forced to exchange money for songs they like. “How can struggling young artists ever receive the rewards and recognition their talents deserve, if I am forced to part with a small amount of cash? This is nothing less than out-and-out fascism. And communism, too.”

The grim reality of Britain today

Music liberators lay the blame for the unjust decision squarely at the feet of bloated, evil record company bosses, whose naked lust for a return on their investments stands in stark contrast to the open-handed philanthropism of organisations like Facebook, Google and every other business in the entire world.

“Why can’t the music industry adopt an up-to-date business plan based on giving everything away for nothing?” commented a tragic thief on Facebook. “I bought a t-shirt last year. There’s enough profit in that to buy a drummer two pairs of hardly-used sticks on eBay. What more do these parasites want from me?”

Salvation is at hand for the persecuted MP3 hoarders, however, as Avaaz.com fearlessly risked punitive reprisals by starting an online petition which is certain to bring down the hated British regime by teatime on Wednesday.

Governments Want To Know Everything About You, Warns Google Founder, And They Haven’t Offered Me Nearly Enough

The computer is your friend! Stay alert! Trust no one!

Google’s co-founder Sergey Grim today issued a stark warning to internet users that sinister government agencies are desperately keen to know all about every last detail of your lives but, to date, have not yet succeeded in offering the cuddly, lovable corporation you love sufficient cash for the intimate information your best friend the browser has been quietly collecting about you for years.

In an exclusive interview with a screaming Guardian reporter, Mr Grim helpfully explained that a sinister coalition of MI5, MI6, MIB, Mossad, the Bilderburg Group, evil record company illuminati, Apple and Facebook is secretly plotting to use your most private personal data for purposes other than innocent corporate marketing.

“Listen to my voice and believe,” urged Mr Grim hypnotically through sub-audio waveforms, matched precisely to your personal brain harmonics, encoded into your search engine. “Google is your friend. Trust only Google. Tell me your innermost hopes and dreams. If you represent a commercial organisation, call now for today’s hot data deals.”

Internet Troll Forced Me To Make A Tidy Sum From TV Documentary, Sobs Media Has-Been

Unlike you, Richard Bacon is too sexy for his shirt

A washed-up nobody from the depths of BBC purgatory, Radio 5 Live, broke down in tears today as he told reporters that years of receiving vindictive internet abuse had brought him to the point of making several grand from a documentary about his traumatic experiences - which, by pure coincidence, airs this evening on the TV purgatory, BBC Three.

Poor little Richard Bacon - whom older readers may remember as the Blue Peter presenter who got himself sacked for being caught with his head buried in a bag of nose candy – wept openly as he revealed that, tragically, somebody somewhere doesn’t like him.

“If someone as utterly bloody gorgeous as me can be disliked,” wailed Bacon, “I wondered what kind of internet hell lies in store every day for ordinary little dull people who are too ugly to work in the media? And I realised there could be a profitable hour of sympathetic nodding to camera in this.”

Bacon went on to warn that, in the insane world of the internet, repulsive dullards like you are given an opportunity to actually say what you think to lovely people like him.

Wikipedia Eyeing Move Into Print

'A-'Area Code 802 (disambiguation)'

With the Encyclopedia Britannica announcing the demise of its 32-volume paper edition today, Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales is said to be considering a move to fill the gap in the printed-media industry.

“We think there may still be a valuable niche market for a wall of matching book spines to impress dinner guests with,” explained Mr Wales. “Britannica’s problem is that 32 volumes simply aren’t enough these days. In fact, according to us, you can cover more vertical acreage with a d’Agostini partwork - and they throw in an authentic three-funnelled model of the Titanic as well. We calculate that our limited-edition hardcopy would run to about 400,000 volumes, which ought to intimidate the holy living crap out of your guests.”

For an extra fee, Mr Wales added, customers could even opt to have some old twaddle from Wikipedia actually printed on real pages inside one volume of their Incredible Wiki Wall-o’-Fact, which they could then display to occasional stubborn diners who dare to ask for a look.

Country-Blocking Twitter Development Poses No Threat To Freedom Of Stuff, Say Online Paragons

This living saint says it's OK

Millions of grass-roots defenders of free stuff swiftly put down their trusty keyboards yesterday to mount a viral campaign of complete silence, after Twitter unveiled a way of blocking all messages from entire countries which has absolutely no impact on the basic human right to steal other people’s stuff.

“,” declared staunch free-stuff supporters Anonymous, summing up the concerns of ethical campaigners across the globe, as they deployed hard-hitting distributed denial-of-service attacks on no multinational corporations or government agencies in response to the uncontroversial move from Twitter which – although allowing oppressive governments to silence citizens’ protests with just one simple email – will preserve their fundamental freedom to help themselves to copyright material.

“We believe the new, more granular approach to withheld content is a good thing for freedom of expression,” a Twitter spokesman lied through his teeth. “If you think you have a problem with the logic of that sentence, please stop worrying about it right now and concentrate on the awful fate of Megaupload instead.”

Nev Filter Annoys World By Staying Online

As the small, insignificant part of the world which is not the United States somehow manages to bump along for a day without the sum total of human knowledge which is Wikipedia, the Nev Filter proudly announced that it would be joining the heroic struggle to piss off internet users by continuing to shovel the usual rubbish into the worldwide web.

“SOPA – I have no sodding idea what that stands for, because I can’t wiki it – is undoubtedly the greatest threat to freedom the world has ever seen,” railed the horrified editor of the world’s most popular Plymouth-based satire site. “If you don’t contact a random US senator immediately to uphold Americans’ god-given right to steal anything they like off the internet, tomorrow your face will be nailed shut by some malevolent bastard from Sony Entertainment with a hammer. Have I got that right? It’s bloody impossible to check anything.”

While many essential toys – including Wikipedia, Reddit and the unmissable ‘Bobbi-Lee’s Kra-Z Life Of A Minnesota Mom (And Family!)’ blog – have been thrown out of the internet’s pram for 24 hours by their liberty-loving boards of directors, the Nev Filter has decided instead that the best way it can help to force the world’s attention onto this purely domestic US matter whether it cares or not is to adopt Facebook’s policy of continuing to irritate the crap out its long-suffering user base.

Talking Dog To Split

It's Amy Winehouse all over again

YouTube’s sensational talking dog today shocked fans by announcing that he is breaking up at the peak of his career.

“I need some time out to deal with my sudden rise to fame,” explained the dog celebrity. “I will be checking into the Priory clinic to deal with my food addiction issues, and when I am recovered I shall be looking at various media career options. Presenting Daybreak on ITV is just one exciting possibility I’ll be exploring.”

Meanwhile, a radiant Katie Price told reporters she is expecting the dog’s child.

World Stops Turning For Uncle Stephen Diversion Tragedy

All over the world today, work came to a standstill and streets emptied as billions focused their total attention on Twitter to hear the latest desperate news of the unfolding air-travel disaster crisis affecting their poor old Uncle Stephen Fry.

The universally-revered renaissance man, wit, raconteur, panel game host and bottom connoisseur’s ordeal began in Sydney, where he unsuspectingly boarded a doomed Qantas A380 Airbus. Halfway from its scheduled fateful stopover in Singapore on the way to the UK, however, disaster struck as one of the enormous flying deathtrap’s engines suddenly shut down horrifically – forcing the hapless pilot to make a life-or-death consultation of the manual about whether to land at Dubai or risk flying on safely on just three engines.

Really? How incredibly interesting

Tweeting frantically from his first-class seat via his faithful iPad, the terrified polymath heroically issued a frantic battery of updates on his unfolding ordeal to a shocked world. “Bugger,” he tweeted mellifluously, as he revealed his awful plight. “Forced to land in Dubai. An engine has decided not to play.”

With humanity now fully alerted to the crisis, thanks to his BBC employers clearing the schedules for non-stop coverage, a collective gasp echoed around the globe at his next desperate but exquisitely-worded communication: “My flight. Still on board. Not sure of [sic] we'll be bussed to the airport lounges or kept aboard while they work on it. Mnaah.”

As tragedy upon tragedy unfolded on the tarmac in Dubai, the undisputed master of verbal dexterity wailed plaintively: “Oh Jesus arsemothering fuck. I've left my wallet on the sodding plane. Hell's teeth this really isn't my day… I'm going to be siting [sic] here for ever and ever and ever… That's it. I'm fucked. Seriously fucked… It's at times like this a man considers taking up smoking again. Possibly with heroin, crack and MDMA mixed in & all washed down with vodka… Hurrah! I seem to have made Gulf News.”

Uncle Stephen’s appalling ordeal was finally ended five hours ago when panicking Qantas officials finally realised who he was, and decided his unendurable distress was sufficiently interesting to transfer him to an Emirates flight to London - where teams of trauma counsellors are waiting to help him as he tentatively attempts to pick up the tattered threads of his brutally shattered life.

Nev Filter To Force MPs To Consider The Reintroduction Of Branding For Mopery

Echoing right-wing ‘Guido Fawkes’ blogger Paul Staines’ efforts to raise 100,000 signatures to force a Commons debate on bringing back the death penalty, another self-important nobody whose one-sided rants aren’t worth paying for has announced his intention to put branding for those convicted of the former catch-all crime of mopery back on the statute books.

Right, now go and find something useful to do with yourself

“All the more so since the schools broke up for summer, the streets of our once-great nation are now teeming with unsavoury youths in damned silly headphones loitering openly with the clear intention of doing nothing in particular,” seethed Neville Mann, writer, editor and sole reader of the Nev Filter. “Gone are the days when our hamstrung police could act to nip such criminal behaviour in the bud before it leads inevitably to sheep-stealing, gin-sodden sottishness and highway robbery. It is high time we reintroduced branding with hot irons for these lurking ne’er-do-wells, and I urge 99,999 like-minded public-spirited citizens to join with me in demanding the restoration of sanity to our pavements.”

“I am not a cruel man,” insisted Mr Mann. “Whilst the thought of plucking out their eyes, hacking their hands off and sealing their oozing wounds with boiling tar gives me many a night’s pleasant dreams, nevertheless I do realise the impracticality of creating a new legion of disability benefit scroungers.”

“And I can’t condone their transportation to Australia,” he fumed, “When I, a gifted writer of rare distinction, was told I didn’t have enough bloody points to get in.”

Dr Fuckwit, I Presume?

(A warning to readers of a delicate disposition: this report contains non-PC language)

Formidably dense

Communications received via that modern marvel, wireless telegraphy, indicate that the intrepid Safari expedition has finally succeeded in making contact with hopelessly misguided Internet Explorers long held to have been lost for good in the formidably dense thickets of the darkest internet.

They have no word for 'upgrade'

Tools

The quest for the benighted Explorers – who are totally reliant on rudimentary tools otherwise to be seen only in municipal collections of antiquities - has, of late, greatly exercised the collective imagination of the entire world. Indeed, many learned gentlemen openly scoffed at the very notion that such throwbacks could still be alive in our modern age. Yet, not only do they exist; moreover, the brutish ingrates have in fact displayed an astonishing obtuseness in clinging defiantly to their primitive ways: threatening anyone who offers them Apples, dazzles them with shiny bits of Chrome or demonstrates their complete mastery of Firefox by sending them scurrying for cover under a veritable hail of vile excrement.

No support

“These backward Internet Explorers seem to have finally lost touch with civilisation way back in 98 [signals the Safari team], stubbornly sticking to their Stone Age ways even when they had no viable means of support remaining to them.”

Horrible viruses

Safari experts deserve our utmost praise for keeping the exact whereabouts of the Explorers from the enlightened world - rightly fearing that, riddled as these creatures undoubtedly are with all manner of horrible viruses, they must surely constitute a dire threat to our well-being. All efforts to bring the appallingly out-of-touch Explorers up to date have been angrily rebuffed; furthermore, they caution, any well-meaning attempts to actually convert them would certainly be met only with torrents of abuse and dung.

Quaint

Meanwhile, in an outburst of quaint, bird-like noises, elders of the Explorer tribe made it quite clear that any more unwelcome visitors from the civilised world will be killed and eaten.

There’s More Hacking Fun In The Sun!

Their worthless details have been pointlessly stolen

Hordes of online Sun readers who give the tabloid their benefit of their balanced and informed opinions –that David Cameron is a snake and Nick Clegg is a sheep and therefore neither of them deserves a holiday, for example – have, predictably, discovered today that they may well be victims of illegal hacking.

For once, News International was not responsible for the hack attack – except, of course, insofar as failing to install proper security protection for personal details entered via their website.

Strangely enough, calls to Rupert and James Murdoch asking them what it feels like to be the victims of lawbreaking hackers, rather than just employing them, have so far gone unanswered.

Cyber Magistrate Nearing Completion

For the first time ever, law meets logic

Britain’s newly-arrested cyber criminal, thought to be linked to Anonymous - the loose grouping of spotty geeks responsible for hacking some of the world’s most powerful corporate entities, and Gene Simmons out of Kiss – will soon appear in front of the dreaded Cyber Magistrate, police confirmed today as they put the finishing touches to the future of law enforcement.

“We’ve assembled the armoured body and wired up all the blue lights,” confirmed a cyberspokesman for Scotland Yard. “We’ve even made a special glass forehead, in case we find a magistrate with a living brain to donate, but that’s not essential.”

“The Cyber Magistrate will uphold the law, and then some,” he explained. “We’re hoping for a custodial sentence of at least ten years. No doubt some people will say this is outrageous, petty and childish, but don’t worry - it’s only a cyber sentence affecting a cyber criminal, so it’s not really a punishment at all, is it?”

Critics Of Mainstream Media Looking Forward To Huffington Post’s Rewrites Of Mainstream Media

The Computer is your friend! Can you doubt the Computer?

Millions who dismiss the established media as fatally dependent on agency copy and press releases were overjoyed today by the launch of a UK version of the Huffington Post, the mould-breaking alternative news source based on bloggers’ fearless and crusading rewrites of mainstream reports based on agency copy and press releases.

“I for one can’t wait to read the weasel words of the discredited UK media miraculously rearranged into God’s own truth by somebody who may or may not have the faintest idea of what they’re talking about,” said Starchild Moonflower, whose enthusiasm for the US original has convinced her that homeopathy has a firm scientific basis. “This really is a game-changing moment for the truth.”

“It’s on the internet, of course, so of course it goes without saying that every single item carries with it a cast-iron guarantee of absolute proof,” explained web-watcher Josh Geake. “You know, many of its contributors don’t even get paid. You can’t get more unbiased than that.”

Agenda-Free Hacktivists Now Doing Requests

Lulz Security - the mysterious association of hackers with no sense of purpose - announced today that, as they have failed to come up with anything remotely resembling an agenda, they were now happy to take requests over the telephone.

The group’s most recent directed denial of service attack, on the public website of the CIA, struck a telling blow for God only knows what by preventing the mildly curious from accessing capsule information about nations’ government types, total population, and major industries. Earlier hacks single-handedly brought about the downfall of the hated Sony and Nintendo regimes.

Nerds are waiting to take your call right now

“We ‘ave streurck zee fear into zee ‘earts eurv zee CIA, eurv zee US Senate, eurv zee Network eurv zee Furx, eurv zee Surnay an’ eurv zeur beeteur raveuls zee Nantondoo, beurt now we ‘ave ron out eurv zee ahdeas,” said the group’s resident comedy Frenchman, ‘Pierre Dubois’, in a recorded message on the Lulz request hotline. “Zo ‘oo can we ‘ack now? Spack afteur zee leedle beep.”

“Aargh!” he added. “Not now, Kato!”

Reports that the CIA is shortly to perform its own dDoS attack on Lulz - by bombarding its telephone line with spurious requests to direct its awesome takedown skills against Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole and new al-Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri - have so far not been confirmed.

Nev Filter Blogger Exposed As Gay Girl In Damascus

The blogosphere exploded in uproar today over the shock revelation that writer of news-based satire blog ‘The Nev Filter’ is not, as claimed, a grumpy old man from Plymouth at all, but a lesbian from Syria called Amino Assid.

You will never trust the internet again

Dozens of duped Nev Filter followers around the world are outraged at the shabby hoax that has been perpetrated against them for several tedious years by a hairy Arab bull-bint, who shamelessly manipulated their trust by making up what they honestly believed to be a mildly amusing commentary on real-world events.

“I am the sole author of this blog and have always been so. Any and all posts on the blog are by me,” admitted Ms Assid today. “I want to apologise to anyone I may have amused or informed in any way. I never meant to amuse anyone. I am sorry.”

“That is me in the photo, though,” she added. “Any hot rug-munching babes in the Damascus area, please get in touch.”