Work, Slavery and Pensions Minister James Purnell today announced the government’s much-heralded shake-up of the benefits system, with the launch of a White Paper aimed at forcing the jobless to jump through hoops and perform tricks for the entertainment of Middle England - or face eviction, starvation and a pitiful death in a back alley.
“Lissen up an' lissen good, scum,” snarled the minister. “We graciously gives you a fat handout every fortnight to piss up against the wall, see? Well, now we wants something in return. From now on you’re gonna have to work or starve. Some of you crafty beggars might get orf light wiv some noddy course in pick-pocketry, but I expect most of you will be put to work stacking shelves in my good friend Mr Fagin’s supermarket.”
The draconian scheme does not, however, extend to decent gentlefolk from the home counties who might be experiencing the unlooked-for embarrassment of finding themselves, through no fault of their own, temporarily bereft of employment due to the global economic situation. Instead, such worthy, deserving cases will be given access to free Master’s degree courses, with the fees paid out the universities' funds.
“Course, all that rough talk wot I was giving out earlier, that’s just for them working-class shirkers, innit guv? It don’t apply to the likes of you an’ me,” Mr Purnell told a packed House of Commons. “Dare I say it, a lot of us ‘uns is goin’ to be down the social usselves in a year or so’s time. Coo, fancy me with a Master’s in Political Science, eh? Lavly jubbly!”
Several rebellious backbench Labour MPs have, however, expressed outrage at the minister’s proposals, and are threatening to create a storm of protest until they are bought off with some token promises. Some went so far as to claim that the government was, in effect, turning its back on the welfare state.
"When them bloody Trots dumped a cradle-to-grave welfare state on Britain in 1945, amid all the general hoohah about a fairer society an' all that tosh they must of clean forgot to exclude all them working-class buggers," Mr Purnell went on. "Now it's time to fix that good an' proper. Stands to reason, dunnit?"
All over the south east, the middle classes were reported to be frothing with delight at Mr Purnell's announcement.
"This not only promises unnecessary misery and humiliation for the hoi polloi," said a futures trader from Kingston who had recently received a P45, "It reassures people like me that we're not like them at all."
He then shouted over the garden fence to his neighbour: "What's that subject you teach, Bryan? See you in class tomorrow!"
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