Monday, 25 May 2009

Cancer Is Just A Scary Story, Say Happy Stupid Irradiated Tangerine Airhead People

The insatiable urge to sport the virulently orange colour of a basketball has sent cases of malignant melanoma soaring, according to Cancer Research UK, with over 10,000 people developing skin cancer as a direct result of binge-tangoing.

On the same day, however, the World Cancer Research Fund reported that nobody could give a shit, with over a quarter of the population so confused by scientific advice that they ignore it completely.

"It's a load of rubbish, science, innit?" said one smouldering sunbed user, as the blackened flesh peeled from her torso. "It's all like juss numbers an' shit, it don't prove nuffink. 'Cep all that stuff about frennly bacteria an' ceramides, yeah? But I read in me stars the uva day that if I look like a rancid tangerine, Johnny Depp will come an fack me bandy every bladdy night and put me in all 'is films. I'm well up for that."

"Oh, for the love of fuck, it's not rocket science," shouted an exasperated leading cancerologist, as he banged his head against a brick wall. "If you will insist of stripping off at every opportunity and exposing your pallid white flesh to the merciless UV rays of the sun or a tanning bed, you stand a pretty good chance of dying slowly in indescribable agony, OK? Even if you're lucky, one day you'll wake up and look like Robert Kilroy-Silk's withered scrotum for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? Is it? Fine, I'll just go and develop a cure for stupidity, shall I? Then you can ignore that, too."

The advice was instantly ignored by orange fuckwits across the nation, however, who said it contradicted what they read in the Daily Mail yesterday about house prices and immigrants.

'Why Wouldn't I Be Voting BNP?' Demands Jesus

In an unprecedented publicity coup for the British National Party, Jesus descended from heaven today and told a press conference that he would certainly be voting for the far-right party in the forthcoming European and county elections.

"I nearly fell off my cloud yesterday when I heard that beardy-weirdy Welshman and his houseboy telling people not to vote BNP," said the Son of God. "My old man's pretty hacked off too, I can tell you - and the Holy Ghost was so narked, he went white as a sheet."

"I went to a lot of trouble to set up an organisation where like-minded people would slavishly give up their freedom in return for being told what to think and do by some bossy fanatic in fancy dress," explained Jesus. "I demand total obedience from my followers, and anyone who disagrees can go to hell. If that's not a working definition of fascism, I don't know what it is."

"Just look at the Church of Scotland," explained our Lord and Saviour. "In a misguided attempt to move with the times, they've just gone and let a poofter in. So full marks to my loyal Jock bigots for threatening to split the kirk in two unless they run the bum-bandit out of town covered in feathers, that's what it's all about. I think you'll find my dad was quite clear on what to do with his sort."

"So I say a vote for the BNP is a vote for Christian values," concluded the Holy Lamb of God, as his beard started to peel off. "They'll make you proud to be a godfearing British fascist, or my name's not Nick Griffin."

"Bollocks," he added.

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Royal Family Exposes News Of The World Security Flaws

Serious questions are being asked today about security at the Wapping headquarters of News Corporation, after it was revealed that two members of the royal family succeeded in gaining access to sensitive areas by posing as journalists.

"Two arrogant bastards fell out of a Bentley, totally shit-faced, in the small hours of the morning," admitted a red-faced security guard at the gates. "One of them was dressed in a Nazi uniform, while the other immediately chucked his guts up against the wall of my hut. Of course I let them through. They looked like typical journalists to me."

Once inside the building, the undercover princes were waved through into the News of the World newsroom, where their bottles of Bollinger were seized by dry-throated hacks and passed eagerly from desk to desk. The intruders promptly found a couple of spare desks, sat down and wrote several stories about the celebrities with whom they had just been partying at Boujis, before staggering off in search of Rupert Murdoch's private bathroom suite.

"It seems almost impossible to believe that somebody could access this part of my dad's premises with such ease," said a shaken James Murdoch, chairman and chief executive of News Corp's UK, Europe and Asia operations. "And one of them left an upsettingly obstinate floater in the bowl, which could so easily have been a bomb. What would happen to the world without my father telling everyone who they should vote for? It doesn't bear thinking about."

Wills and Harry got as far as the accounts department, where they were in the middle of claiming back their expenses for a night on the piss when their worried bodyguards finally phoned to ask where the hell they'd got to.

"The ROYALS certainly had us all FOOLED!" admitted News of the World editor Clive Goodman sheepishly. "But even a simple CHECK of their stories against Boujis' VIP guest list would have REVEALED that - incredibly - the CELEBS whose DRUNKEN antics (dis)graced our gossip section (see pages 1-48) WERE actually there for once!"

"We have been CAUGHT with our trousers DOWN," he added. "Visit our website for the photos WE DARE NOT PRINT in a family newspaper!!!"

No Opportunity Necessary, No Experience Needed

Tory leader David Cameron has invited everyone in Britain to stand as a Conservative at the next election.

"What I'm going to do today," said Mr Cameron, as interviewer Andrew Marr played guitar, "Is to reopen the Conservative candidate list to anybody who wants to apply, particularly if they haven't been convicted of theft recently."

"They may not have had anything to do with the party before," he added. "But I'm saying if you believe in public service, if you share our values - no, hang on, forget that bit - if you want to help clean up politics - better scrub that bit too - er - look, if you want a chance to get your hands on a basic of £64,766 plus expenses - and let's face it, that's a hell of a lot better than anything you'll ever find on Jobcentreplus - come and be a Conservative parliamentary candidate."

Mr Cameron said he wanted to persuade people like headteachers and small business owners to stand.

"I should think they're just the kind of people who are sick and tired of busting a gut trying to do the impossible with limited resources on a daily basis, only to watch everything falling apart around them. I'm sure they'd jump at the chance of four years of well-paid job security," he smiled. "Right now I expect many of them are saying, 'I'm not going anywhere near that nest of vipers.' But I say come on in, the water's lovely - and it was paid for by the taxpayers!"

When asked whether MPs with no grounding in the fundamental principles of Toryism would be expected to toe the party line, Mr Cameron looked blank, and asked for the question to be repeated slowly.

"No, you've lost me there," he admitted. "Party line? Is that what poor people used to have when they couldn't afford a phone of their own? Sorry, I don't see what you're getting at."

Rabid Politics of Hate May Not Be Entirely Compatible With Teachings of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, Suggest Archbishops

The two senior clerics of the Church of England have politely suggested to their flock that, if Jesus were to come back today and get his name onto the electoral register, then his preferred candidate might perhaps not belong to the British National Party.

"Jesus is mainly known for being the Son of God, spreading a message of hope, truth and peace, and saying 'Love thy neighbour'," said Dr Rowan Atkinson, the Archdruid of Canterbury. "Whereas I think it's as true today as in the olden times that the BNP's message tends to focus more on fear, lies, hate and kicking your neighbours out."

"And, you know, Nick Angriff is - in a very real sense - the bastard hell-spawn of Beelzebub and Hitler," added the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu.

The BNP leadership was dismissive about the church leaders' outburst, however.

"How can Dr Atkinson claim to speak for the English Church of English England when he is clearly Welsh, has a beard and probably wears sandals?" countered Mr Angriff. "He should go back to his reservation and spend the rest of his life singing the songs of his tribal forefathers, or whatever it is they do. And Dr Sentamu should be struck off the BMA register immediately. He has absolutely no medical training whatsoever, and what's more he has a funny foreign name."

When told that Dr Sentamu was black, Mr Angriff fainted dead away.