Saturday, 14 August 2010

Underclass Terrified By Runaway Social Engineering Train

Underclass: service terminates here
People ran screaming in terror yesterday, as a social engineering vehicle careered down the Tube at reckless speed, with nobodies at the controls.

The machinery of social reform had been coupled to the back of a long train of right-wing thought which was being used to make radical alterations to the Underclass system, when it suddenly became completely unhinged and began to roll backwards, gaining momentum rapidly and causing chaos as it hurtled past people’s heads, threatening to suck them all into a dark, Victorian tunnel towards a dead end.

“I was looking down that tunnel only moments earlier,” said a shocked eyewitness, moments after the rattling juggernaut charged past. “There was no light at the end of it, and I’m sure there’s going to be one hell of a mess when it hits the buffers.”

“It’s a good job there were nobodies on board,” he added. “Apart from a lot of cheering Tories and several hapless Lib Dem passengers, of course.”

A spokesman for the Underclass later apologised for causing any inconvenience - but warned that unpleasant incidents were bound to become more commonplace, as profit-driven social engineers with no real experience tinkered more and more with a complex but essential system which had been delivering fewer and fewer benefits to its users for many years.

Serco Family Keen To Start Running Parent-Led Schools

The Serco family are fastidious about hygiene on picnic trips
Concerned parents such as the Pearsons, the Sercos and the Nord-Anglias are eagerly looking forward to setting up their new schools in the autumn term, announced education secretary Michael Gove today, with other caring families like the Edison-Learnings and the Cambridge-Educations offering their wholehearted advice and support.

“Make no mistake,” he told reporters, “This policy is about giving control of schools to the people who naturally care the most about children – concerned parents like Marjorie Scardino of the Pearson family.”

“Or take the Gems family,” he gushed. “Nobody has devoted their lives more to providing independent education abroad for their many foreign children. Or the industrious Mr Chris Hyman, head of the large, happy Serco family, who epitomises traditional family values such as discipline at the prisons and detention centres he runs for his naughtier kids, play activities at the helicopter training courses he operates for his children’s Action Man toys and the robust health he ensures at the hospitals he manages for his sick relatives.”

“This surely proves, beyond a shadow of doubt, that people and families are at the very heart of Conservative policies,” he concluded happily.

Friday, 13 August 2010

Britain Suddenly Notices Gigantic Debt After Only 18 Years

The massive accounting scam by which successive governments since 1992 have run up off-the-books debts which you will be paying off for the rest of your life suddenly entered the public consciousness today, after a bored BBC journalist idly asked the NHS how much all those shiny new hospitals were costing.

The answer – “£65.1bn, and it won’t be paid off until 2048” – will come as an complete shock to the average taxpayer, as it involves boring accountancy stuff rather than celebrities or football and therefore escaped their notice for eighteen long years.

A bastard in an Italian suit gleefully pointed out that, although it has been illegal for years for private companies to conceal such offset deals from their balance sheets, successive governments somehow completely forgot to apply the ban to public bodies. The subsequent tendering jamboree has allowed multinational corporates – many of which, by the strangest coincidence, are also major financial backers of the Labour and Conservative Parties - to line their pockets for years to come, with the added bonus of tying the buildings’ occupants to uncompetitive and poorly-implemented maintenance, cleaning and catering contracts.
Turns out it wasn't needed after all, but cough up anyway
“The biggest laugh in the boardrooms is that current NHS policy is to shunt as many services out of hospitals and into the community as possible,” he added with a thin-lipped smile, pouring himself a large Scotch which you’ll get round to paying for in 2025, “So these hideously-overpriced white elephants will be half empty in years to come, and you’ll still be paying full whack for them. Cheers.”

“God knows how taxpayers will react when they find out that just about every new school, university building and infrastructure project for years has been bought on the never-never,” admitted a spokesman for the Treasury today, “Let alone various contracts for things like military training and maintenance. I dare say they’ll roll their eyes, pretend it doesn’t really concern them and get back to sharing a 35-year-old millionaire’s awful disappointment at being released from the tiresome duty of running round every few years for the England squad at a fraction of his normal going rate. Then we can get back to the important business of putting your children and grandchildren in hock for the rest of their lives, too.”

‘We’re Doing All Right, Thanks, How About You?’ Taunt Insufferable Germans

Who'd have thought there was any future in making things people want to buy?
Germany took unwarranted delight in telling its foundering neighbours how well its economy was doing today, rubbing the rest of Europe’s noses in the highest quarterly growth it has seen since reunification.

“Just look at that beauty – 2.2% growth!” beamed a fat German bastard from Destatis, the Bundestag’s national statistics office. “Read it and weep. How are you all managing? Oh well, never mind, eh? I’m sure things will pick up some day.”

With most other European nations struggling to get anywhere near 1% - and Greece’s economy, if that’s the word, shrinking by 1.5% - the Germans were congratulated through gritted teeth by their counterparts.

“It was all down to exports, actually,” smiled Germany’s economy minister, Rainer Bruederle. “It’s a good job somebody is still making stuff, isn’t it? How’s it coming with that rising service-sector model your economists all had the hots for a few years ago, when everyone was confidently predicting the inevitable decline of manufacturing? Really? That’s too bad.”

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Cameron Urges Britons To Celebrate Heritage He Is Entirely Ignorant Of

The rugged English beauty of Fylingdales
Prime minister David Cameron closed the book on Labour’s discredited ‘Cool Britannia’ brand today, urging the people of Britain to celebrate a rich history which he knows jack shit about.

“We sell ourselves short by refusing to acknowledge the huge tourist potential of Britain’s glorious past,” exclaimed Mr Cameron. “There is, for example, a huge worldwide interest in the dark days of 1940, when the mighty 8th Air Force’s Flying Fortresses were all that stood between London and the Luftwaffe’s bombers.”

“And when we’re holidaying abroad, we really ought to engage servants in stirring conversations extolling the extraordinary virtues of our stately homes, like Graceland and the Palace of Versailles - many of which still bear scars from the Civil War, when they were besieged by the Japanese,” he continued, in a speech from the historic Cabinet War Rooms on the 17th floor of Canary Wharf’s One Canada Square.

“We also have the most wonderful areas of outstanding natural beauty to boast of, when we’re being arrested by a Spanish policeman for disorderly conduct,” he added. “How could Johnny Foreigner’s heart fail to stir at our famous Great Wall of China, built by the Emperor Rosko to keep the Picts out? Why shouldn’t our hearts fill with pride in the pure, unspoilt Fylingdales countryside? Or the lovely Windscale coast in Cumbria, where I have spent many an idyllic summer? And don’t forget to tell your pool cleaner that people still play on the very spot in Yeovil where St Francis of Assisi calmly finished his game of basketball before trouncing the Swiss Armada in 1888.”

Angriff Wins 122% Support From BNP Members

Independent counters verified the result
BNP leader Nick Angriff vowed to lead the British National Party for a thousand years, after its members delivered a resounding vote of confidence in his brilliant leadership by giving him a comfortable 122% support in a challenge by discredited, Zionist-backed infiltrators.

The distinctly negroid alcoholic Derek Adams achieved a mere 0 signatures, notorious gay Pakistani terrorist Richard Barnbrook won no support and the main contender, hook-nosed baby-sacrificing moneylender Eddy Butler – whose shabby campaign consisted solely of chanting “Angriff has only one eyeball” - saw his support evaporate to a mere 0 nominations.

A triumphant Mr Angriff thumped the podium repeatedly as he declared the results, adding magnanimously that he had commuted his challengers’ sentences to seven years in a re-education camp “where they will learn to concentrate better”.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Scottish Parliament Struggling To Explain Concept of ‘Doctors’ To Senators

If you can't piss up it, senator, try this
Scotland’s leaders are still making heroic efforts to explain to four US senators what a doctor is, what he does and why it’s none of their fucking business, after receiving a peremptory demand to publish convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi’s medical records.

“A doctor is a very clever grown-up who spends lots of years learning all about the intricacies of the human organism, how it works in minute detail, and the many complicated things that might concievably go wrong with it,” said First Minister Alex Salmond for the umpteenth time. “He then applies all of his considerable training and experience to the daunting task of determining to the best of his ability what may be ailing his patients, and trying to predict every possible outcome for every available course of action. It’s quite a bit harder than changing the batteries in a Fisher-Price toy, which would appear to be about the level of the senators’ understanding of medicine.”

“The doctor also has to promise not to tell every Tom, Dick or Harry he meets about a patient’s health,” he added. “Indeed, unless it is in the patient’s interest to divulge information to specific parties, he is obliged to keep it strictly to himself, and not pop a copy of his medical history in an envelope and post it to you simply because you don’t happen to like him.”

“For example, our chief medical officer told us about Mr al-Megrahi’s inoperable prostate cancer because it was in Mr al-Megrahi’s best interests to spend his remaining time on earth in a proper hospital near his loved ones, and we had the authority to let him out of our prison,” he explained in a letter to the senators, annotated with many helpful pictures. “He didn’t tell you because it’s got fuck all to do with you. Sorry if I’m getting a bit technical here.”

Mr Salmond expressed his regret that the senators had clearly failed to piss properly up the rope he sent them earlier, and suggested that it might be easier for them to cut it into four lengths, climb a tree, tie one end to a high branch and the other to the necks they were apparently incapable of winding in, and jump.

“If you have any other sodding insolent questions about anything that doesn’t concern you, I shall of course be happy to offer further advice,” he concluded, adding, “You may wish to have a short pier handy.”

If A Big Chimp Could Use Tools 3 Million Years Ago, Why Is My Tap Still Leaking? Demands Public

It's upstairs, first door on the left
The public has reacted with fury to the news that ancient hominids were able to use tools, demanding to know why, after 3.2 million years of evolution, modern tradesmen are incapable of operating a spanner.

Bones with clear cut marks made by primitive stone tools were unearthed by palaeontologists working in Ethiopia, pushing back the earliest known date for tool use by 800,000 years. The only species known to have inhabited the Dikka region so long ago is Australopithecus afarensis, a distant ancestor of modern homo sapiens resembling an orang-utan.

Scientists are, however, at a loss to explain precisely when modern man lost the ability to use simple tools. Some estimate that the process began as far back as the mid-20th century, while others put the date as recently as 6th May 2009, when the National Apprenticeship Service was launched after the government decided that six weeks was plenty of time in which to learn everything there was to know about being a skilled gas fitter.

“Hello, is that Paignton Zoo?” commented a typical homeowner this afternoon. “I’d like to book one of your gibbons to come and mastic my bathroom next Monday.”

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Lotus Unveils Wanker-Slaughtering Machine

Follow in the footsteps of motorsport legends - top yourself in a Lotus
Insufferable corporate wankers with money coming out of their ears will soon be able to cull themselves by pretending to be Lewis Hamilton, with the aid of Lotus’ new £650,000 toy car, it was revealed today.

The Lotus T125, which comes with a 651bhp Cosworth V8 engine and the customary Lotus disregard for safety features, looks enough like a Formula One car to trick horrible City pricks into thinking that they will be able to hammer round a racetrack at 200mph just like one of the best two dozen drivers in the world - notwithstanding their utter lack of training or experience, other than sitting in a Bugatti Veyron in traffic on the M25 and cursing the government for allowing poor people to drive around in ghastly mass-produced boxes.

The T125 cannot be driven legally on public highways, as any fool can see that is bloody lethal. However, Lotus has kindly set up a unique ‘Lotus Exit club’, whose members will be able to weld tow bars to their Bugattis and haul their shiny new deathtraps to circuits throughout Europe - where they will be able to skewer and dismember their frail bodies at tremendous speed by losing all control of the flimsy vehicle on the first corner, if they somehow manage to dodge the massive fatal pile-up at the start of the race.

Formula One cars normally cost millions of pounds, principally because they are built using state-of-the-art lightweight materials which can withstand the tremendous forces generated when a projectile on wheels suddenly comes into contact with an immovable solid object. Lotus, however, have a long pedigree of killing their drivers by building their cars out of sharp fibreglass, papier maché and cocktail sticks instead.

Costs have also been kept down by eschewing the use of elaborate computer-controlled braking and engine management systems to help the driver to maintain control of the car under high-G conditions, whereas Lotus engineers sensibly pointed out that all that gubbins would be a bit of a waste on a car which is obviously going to be permanently reduced to a wide scattering of components within 30 seconds of some insufferable futures-trading prick starting the engine.

Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson briefly soiled his denims in delight, before nominating Richard Hammond to be the first man ever to disassemble himself at high speed in front of a camera.

Monday, 9 August 2010

Horrified Dr Camerstein Vows To Track Down The Child-Threatening Monster He Created

A remorse-wracked David Camerstein has packed his belongings and taken passage on a ship heading into the frozen Arctic wastes, seeking to track down and destroy the hideous child-threatening monster he created with his impetuous and unnatural social experiments.
The unnatural monster has been driven off for now

The monster, health minister Anne Milton, was last seen terrorising five-year-olds in the rustic backwater of Scotland, leaping out from bushes and pigsties to snatch at their little bottles of milk. As angry Scots villagers gathered together with firebrands to chase the unholy creature away, the overbearing Dr Camerstein at last saw the folly of his ill-advised plan to raise a hideous travesty of human parts - which once, in life, was a caring nurse - aloft in a raging thunderstorm, bringing it back to the Department of Health in a bolt from the blue.

At daybreak a contrite Dr Camerstein took to his carriage with his misshapen assistant SteDor at the reins and sped away from the crumbling pile he inherited in Downing Street, urging the cowed people of Britain to remain in their hovels and stay calm as his coach-and-four rattled along the potholed highways on its way to the docks.

“Mrs Milton - may God grant peace to her tormented soul - was a nurse in her former existence, and in his arrogance Dr Camerstein convinced himself that restoring her dessicated corpse to Health would be of some benefit to mankind,” commented his bitter rival, Edward Balls. “Older, wiser heads tried to warn him of the dangers, pointing out that many of the older villagers still whisper tales of a dark past when a cruel Thatcher stalked the land, stealing the milk from children and casting a long shadow of fear and loathing until she was finally held at bay and dispatched by those who created her.”

“I take no pleasure in pointing out that, all too predictably, history is repeating itself,” he added. “Only Dr Camerstein can possibly reason with the shambling affront to The Almighty which he has unleashed upon the world. If reason fails - as I fear it must - then frankly the best thing would be for him to climb out onto an ice floe with the monstrous thing, the pair of them to disappear forever from the sight of men into the frozen, howling waste.”

Latest In Long-Running Divide And ConquerTM Game Franchise Reviewed!

Comrades Out, Now!
New from the team who brought you the classic BrownoutTM and Reds Dead RedemptionTM comes Divide And ConquerTM: Red Alert 3 - a game in which scheming players control the country, by dividing the evil unions down the middle.

You take the role of ‘Derek Simpson’, leader of the weak Unite faction, who has bravely decided to split away from the tough, battle-ready mechanised stormtroopers of the RMT and the wily bureaucrats of the PCS. Derek must fight his way out of the rapidly-escalating war of words and find a safe path to the bosses who lie at the heart of the game.

Of course, Derek will be aided in his mission by picking up strength from various papers he finds coming to his aid along the journey. Even sworn enemies have the potential to become allies, depending on how cleverly Derek attacks rival leaders, such as the bloated Bob Crow, as they try to develop a powerful Red alliance that will unleash chaos and disruption on an unprecendented scale as they try to wrest power from the nation’s enlightened rulers.

However, Derek will find he can call on help from many hidden sources, as he bravely struggles to prevent the other factions from recruiting an unstoppable army from the largely neutral population.

The gameplay is, of course, nothing new to aficionados of the socio-political strategy genre. However, heavy marketing will undoubtedly create mass-market appeal for a product squarely aimed at those who find traditional familiarity comforting and do not want a challenge.

Rating: ♦♦♦♦ed.