‘Oh, Please Don’t Throw Us Into That Briar Patch, Brer Britain,’ Plead Chuckling Icelanders

The citizens of Iceland are still wearing shit-eating grins today, after Foreign Secretary William Hague threatened to use Britain’s veto to block their hard-up nation’s hideously expensive application for membership of the European Union.

The sanction was proposed at the EU summit in Brussels on Friday, with Mr Hague warning that – as far as Britain and Holland, the two countries worst-hit by the collapse of pretend bank Icesave, were concerned – Iceland’s eventual membership would be strictly contingent on meeting its financial obligations.

“After the inevitable collapse of our stupendously imaginary banking system two years ago, my share of the national debt is currently about 116,000 of your British pounds,” smiled brennivín-soaked Odd Thorgeirsson, as he staggered from one jam-packed Reykjavík bar to another. “Thank you, Mr Hague - you magnificent English baldy twit - for threatening to spare me the extra £16.60 that this Kr990m EU application was going to cost me.”

“Nobody here but our stupid government wanted to join anyway,” belched his friend, Þrud Bárbarían, amiably. “We have more than enough corrupt idiots ruining our lives already, thanks.”

In the meantime, other European financial ministers are said to be earnestly discussing the possibility of applying Mr Hague’s membership condition to £800m-short Britain itself.

Holiday In South Africa (extended version)

(with apologies to the Dead Kennedys)

So you played the pools for a year or two
And you know you've seen it all
Flags on your car and a vuvuzela
Back home your type don't crawl

Show the world you’re a lout blastin’ James Corden’s ‘Shout’
From your 10-watt stereo
Braggin': “Fabio’s got the team for the goals
And we’ll win without Rio”

It's time to taste what you most fear
Rooney will not help you here
Brace yourself, my dear:

It's a holiday in South Africa
It's football, but we’re shite
It's a holiday in South Africa
Paint your fat face red and white.

You're a pot-bellied fan, you scream “In-gur-land!”
You want everyone to ‘respeck’ you
Kick ass while you drip at the cost of the strip
While the players get richer off you

Well you'll look stupid with a gun in your back
For causing an affray
Shout for a consul till you starve
Then your ass is served up on a plate

Now you can go where people are one
Now you can go to a mixed-race prison
What you need, my son:

Is a holiday in South Africa
Where the folks are mostly black
A holiday in South Africa
Where you’ve landed in the cack

Ing Lund, Ing Lund, Ing Lund, Ing Lund, [etc]

Ex-ten-ded holiday in South Africa
Where you'll do what you're told
A holiday in South Africa
Where you’ll look like an arsehole -
Inglund!

(Don’t forget to pre-order the unofficial follow-up hit - ‘I Fought The Boer’!)

President Washington Reassures PM Over ‘Anti-British’ Claims

In a frank transatlantic phone chat, US President Barack Washington has diplomatically reassured David Cameron the Younger that he fully acknowledges that the British Army defeated in the War of Independence was, in fact, a multinational organisation.

The president was responding to claims that a stridently anti-British tone has entered the Stateside coverage of the 18th-century incident.

“I have the Honour to report that Nothing could be farther from The Truth, my wonky-toothed Friend,” promised Mr Washington. “Although the British Army’s cognomen clearly hath ƒome diƒtant origin in times long past, the Record clearly ƒhows it to have been Chock Full of Heƒsian Mercenaries at the time of the incident; and what is more, Mr Camelot, it is plain for all to see that it was only following the Ordinances of your German King.”

“Moreover, I will venture to say that the modern British Army hath completely ƒhed its narrow literal Connotations, and now positively burƒteth at the seams with Gurkha-men, Fiji-ans, Jamaic-ans and what-have-you; ƒince the few Britons who are not too Podgesome to waddle through the doorway of the recruiting-ƒerjeant’s office do fail the Requisites of Entry becauƒs they cannot complete a Five League March without ducking into every wayƒide inn they encounter for Beer and fiƒticuffs.”

“Hey; no offence, Mr Canelloni, you chinleƒs Limey fag,” he added soothingly.