"People come up to me all the time - ordinary little people, just like you - and say, 'Heather Mills, it's really easy for you to hop about on one leg 'cos you're so beautiful and caring and kind,'" she snarled as she sharpened a vicious-looking scythe. "Well, actually it isn't easy at all, being a beautiful, kind, caring monopod. I love the ordinary little people, you know, I do - but Christ, they really are thick as pigshit. Time for caring, kind, beautiful me to put the record straight, with a little help from my showbiz mates."
High on the hitlist is ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney, who is earmarked for a terminal walletectomy. Viewers can also expect to see:
- Jeremy Clarkson struggling to expound his arsey, cocksure worldview as his genitals are located and removed from their denim confinement with the aid of tweezers;
- Fern Britton's dietary techniques revealed once and for all when her skin is slowly unpeeled;
- a drooling Stephen Fry sitting awestruck by Alan Davies' encyclopaedic knowledge, after being forcibly and severally trepanned with a Black & Decker drill;
- Cheryl Cole grunting like a sow on heat as her Autotune is unplugged by an expert sound engineer;
- Katie Price's plastic breasts trying to marry the next man they meet, once the rest of her has been surgically removed with extreme prejudice.