Monday, 8 February 2010

Heather Mills Enlists Celebrity Friends To Raise Disability Awareness Whether They Like It Or Not

Britain's showbiz community is living in fear of Heather Mills tonight, after the one-legged Beatle-shagger threatened to challenge popular misconceptions about disability - by maiming as many celebs as she can on a reality TV show she devised during a rare break from counting Paul McCartney's former money.

"People come up to me all the time - ordinary little people, just like you - and say, 'Heather Mills, it's really easy for you to hop about on one leg 'cos you're so beautiful and caring and kind,'" she snarled as she sharpened a vicious-looking scythe. "Well, actually it isn't easy at all, being a beautiful, kind, caring monopod. I love the ordinary little people, you know, I do - but Christ, they really are thick as pigshit. Time for caring, kind, beautiful me to put the record straight, with a little help from my showbiz mates."

High on the hitlist is ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney, who is earmarked for a terminal walletectomy. Viewers can also expect to see:
  • Jeremy Clarkson struggling to expound his arsey, cocksure worldview as his genitals are located and removed from their denim confinement with the aid of tweezers;
  • Fern Britton's dietary techniques revealed once and for all when her skin is slowly unpeeled;
  • a drooling Stephen Fry sitting awestruck by Alan Davies' encyclopaedic knowledge, after being forcibly and severally trepanned with a Black & Decker drill;
  • Cheryl Cole grunting like a sow on heat as her Autotune is unplugged by an expert sound engineer;
  • Katie Price's plastic breasts trying to marry the next man they meet, once the rest of her has been surgically removed with extreme prejudice.
"Welcome, my famous friends, to Heather Mills' World of Disability," shrieked the inspirational model, philanthropist and wobbly skater, donning an ice hockey mask as she hopped on a bus to Notting Hill.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Labour Giants Deliver Keynote Sobs To TV Addicts

Stores are running out of mops and sponges today, as the British electorate grimly prepares to be deluged by floods of crocodile tears from senior Labour figures in the forthcoming general election.

Prime minister Gordon Brown set the ball rolling, when he started blubbing his eyes out during a hard-hitting interview with Piers Morgan. When the ferocious political journalist asked him how he thought the death of his prematurely-born daughter in 2002 had informed his economic policy decisions as chancellor, the normally stony-faced PM inhaled deeply from a bag of onions before welling up and bawling his little heart out on his shocked inquisitor's sleeve.

After the cameras were repositioned for extra cut-in footage, the prime minister composed himself, asked the director if he needed another take and moved onto a question about whether he was a tit man or a leg man.

While Mr Brown's waterworks will not be broadcast until next Sunday, Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell provided a sneak preview of what sympathetic audiences can expect when he burst into tears during The Andrew Marr Show this morning. When the horror-eared Marr mentioned Campbell's shite novel, the shoulders of Tony Blair's former propagandist-in-chief shook uncontrollably as he reached in his pocket for a rubber bulb which sent jets of water spraying from his eyes, drenching the floor manager and shorting out the studio lights.

Mr Campbell later claimed that, by giving the free plug for his novel as arranged, Marr was cynically planting the deliberately-misleading impression in the viewers' minds that the infamous WMD dossier he compiled in 2002 for his patron saint, Tony Blair, could in some way be mistaken for a steaming crock of horseshit.

A Labour Party spokesman later denied that the weepfest could be part of a wider election strategy aimed at picking up sympathy votes from the sort of mindless fuckwits who vote for the saddest case every week on Britain's Got Talent because they can only react to obvious outbursts of emotion, in much the same way that plants grow in the direction of sunlight.

"If we won by turning the election into a public spectacle of mawkish grief by sidestepping the serious issues facing Britain in favour of a maudlin appeal to cheap sentimentality," he said, "I'm sure Gordon Brown would feel honour-bound to tell the Queen he couldn't, in all conscience, form a government."