Thursday, 5 April 2012

Country Obsessed By Weather Still No Closer To Understanding How It Works

As water companies imposed hosepipe bans on the drought-struck south east, a furious Middle England took time out from demanding the immediate return of last weekend’s unseasonal sunshine to turn on all the taps in a spontaneous act of principled defiance against corporate bully boys, prudence and all reason.

This is what Britain should be like, but with a car wash and a jacuzzi
“How bastard dare these profiteering, jumped-up gauleiters from Thames Water tell me I can’t fill up my swimming pool on the off-chance that I might want to freeze my bollocks off in the middle of a downpour?” seethed Rob Blind, a jumped-up senior profiteer at Gauleiter Bank AG’s London office, as he truculently scoured his BMW Z4 convertible down to the bare metal in a maniacal frenzy of repetitive car-washing disorder. “It’s my sodding water, I’m bloody paying through the nose for it, so I’ll do whatever I damn well like with it.”

“If there’s such a desperate shortage, why don’t they just cut off Peckham?” he demanded. “They can put their precious standpipes outside the Jobcentres and the magistrates’ courts. That sort are used to queueing, aren’t they?”

“Damn and blast it, it’s spitting with rain again!” he roared obsessively. “Now I’ll have to wash all those spots off my car’s newly-exposed bodywork before the bloody thing collapses in a heap of rust. Why isn’t the sun shining? Call this summer? How am I supposed to fill a car with water with the bloody roof up?”

“Pass me that goddamned hose again!” he screamed.

Guardian Readers Strangely Muted On Travesty Of Justice Involving Tragic Rich Rioter

Laura Johnson, the millionaire’s daughter convicted today of taking part in last summer’s riots, is reported to be mystified by the ongoing lack of outraged protest on her behalf from Britain’s sympathetic left-wingers.
The rioter even Alan Rusbridger can't defend
“Laura’s future hopes have been cruelly consigned to the scrapheap by this uncaring government,” pointed out no-one at all. “Nobody with a wanky humanities degree from Exeter has a hope in hell of ever getting a job. Employers know it’s a worthless piece of paper which only proves that daddy couldn’t swing her a place at Oxford or Cambridge.”

“Instead of brutally throwing the full force of the law against this poor bewildered mentalist simply for taking her mates for a spin, we should all be asking ourselves how each and every one of us selfishly inflicted depression on her by not making her life perfect in every concievable way,” added nobody else.

Hand-wringing sociologists believe the automatic lefty exoneration which has been universally claimed for every other rioter may, in Laura’s case, have evaporated when the court revealed that she had, unpardonably, acquired a packet of evil fags with the undeniable intention of poisoning a groovy liberal child with her toxic second-hand smoke.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

British Animal Lovers Now Welling Up For Panda That Doesn’t Exist

Millions of mawkish fauna addicts are flocking to Edinburgh Zoo tonight to hold a teary candle-lit vigil for a poor hypothetical panda cub, which has cruelly been denied its very existence through the tragic reluctance of its potential parents to give a shit.

This could have been a panda. But it isn't. And now it never will be
“I’m afraid there is now very little hope that this cute widdle baby panda will ever come into being,” sobbed a red-eyed Sir David Attenborough, after the zoo’s valiant attempts to draw male panda Gang Buang’s attention to his potential mate Tin Can’s erogenous zones met with tragic failure when it was discovered that pandas appear to lack any form of erogenous zones.

“We built a ‘love tunnel’ shaped like an enormous fuzzy Aunt Jemima from his enclosure to hers,” wept head keeper John Morris, “But all the dozy bugger does is sit there, obstinately reading intellectual journals, deconstructing the zeitgeist and dreaming up new theories about dark matter. Now she’s got a major strop on and she’s started writing a feminist blog for the Guardian.”

Devastated zoo managers expressed the hope that every heartbroken animal worshipper will buy a cuddly symbolic memento from its gift shop, take it home and lovingly bury it in a sunny corner of their garden to honour the memory of the panda baby which, tragically, never had a chance to live.

Meanwhile - unnoticed on the unimportant parts of the planet such as Mali, Somalia, Greece, Sudan, Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, Russia, Texas and California - members of a common species of ape continue to die violently, as nature intended.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

James Murdoch Has ‘No Recollection’ Of Resigning

Confusion reigns at BSkyB tonight, with ex-chairman James Murdoch barricaded inside his office whilst resolutely denying ever having seen the resignation email he wrote this morning.

“Re: My role within the BsSkyB management structure,” observed Mr Murdoch through the keyhole. “A water-cooler meme of what must be seen as entirely subjective accuracy has lately crossed my awareness threshold, viz.: I have resigned.”

James Murdoch wonders where his desk has gone
“Whilst it is neither my desire - nor indeed my role - to belittle the inherent value of grape-based data distribution networks as a vehicle for dynamic mission-related interchange,” he droned, “I consider it vital - for reasons of ongoing corporate integrity - to categorically state, according to the degree of authority associated with my status within our organisational hierarchy, that I have absolutely no recollection of ever reading any such communication.”

“This memo, it should be noted, constitutes neither confirmation nor refutal of the undeniable evidence that I am clearly the originator of the document in question, namely my resignation,” he acknowledged. “The key issue at stake here is, naturally, that if I say I have not read the message then it must be understood that I can neither be a) held to account for it nor b) expected to act upon it.”

Mr Murdoch then instructed his former PA to explain to visitors that he was in a very important meeting, and went on with his normal routine of staring at a blank screen whilst trying to open a doughnut.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Miliband Publishes List Of Working-Class People He’s Had Dinner With

Mr Miliband will have whatever you're having
As pressure mounts on David Cameron to tell the whole truth for once, Miliband Two added fuel to the fire by releasing an exhaustive list of every ordinary member of the public with whom he has ever shared a table but not the bill.

“I am proud to say that my dinner parties clearly show that, unlike Mr Cameron, I keep my feet firmly on the ground by only dining with typical members of the general public,” droned the Labour leader. “Lord Sugar, for example, is as common as muck and taught me a lot of rude words. And my gosh, I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my pasty when cheeky chappie Sir George Iacobescu was telling me about all the attractive ladies he’d wolf-whistle as he was building Canary Wharf with his own two hands.”

Meanwhile, deputy PM Nick Clegg earnestly invited anyone at all to dine with him, adding that no donations were necessary but it would be nice if they could bring along a bottle of Lambrini.

Government To Employ Everyone To Read Everyone Else’s Emails

Unemployment will soon be a thing of the past, with the government today guaranteeing jobs for life for everyone in Britain as it announced plans to spy on everything you say, do and think.

Welcome to your new job
“Not everyone is a terrorist or paedophile, obviously,” acknowledged home secretary Theresa May. “But everyone might be, which is all the excuse we need to do what Labour had the bare-faced cheek to suggest when they were in power.”

Under the Home Office proposals, everyone will be required to spend at least five hours a day monitoring and transcribing your calls, emails, text messages, social networking ,browsing history, facial expressions and body language, then pass it round until somebody eventually decides to send the police round to arrest you.

The Queen is expected to formally announce the plans to turn her country into China when she opens the next session of Parliament next month, if she knows what’s good for her.

“I heard that,” snapped Mrs May.