Saturday, 21 March 2009

Baby Causes Britain's Irratiometer To Oscillate Violently

The pendulum flew off the national mood swingometer today, as the British public - who, only days ago, were clamouring their support for former health secretary Patricia Hewitt's proposals to not prosecute those who help incurable, pain-wracked relatives to travel abroad to die with dignity in assisted-suicide clinics - furiously demanded the death penalty for doctors who obtained a court order allowing an incurable, pain-wracked baby to die with dignity.

'Baby OT', who had a rare metabolic disorder, brain damage and respiratory failure, died today after the Court of Appeal authorised medical staff to turn off the ventilator which was maintaining the child's agonised, futile existence.

When the death of Baby OT was announced, however, Harriet Harman's Court of Public Opinion swiftly yanked the gears of the national mood into reverse, causing a terrible grinding noise as the public's brains turned somersaults in their heads.

"This is eugenics, pure and simple, as practiced without mercy by Hitler and his warped cronies," said a irrational schizophrenic shopper in a Waitrose car park. "When these so-called medics forget their Hippocratic Oath and grant themselves the right to choose who lives and who dies, we are living in the Fourth Reich. To me, someone who is enduring the unspeakable agonies of an incurable, failing body looks like some wrinkly old fart in a wheelchair, and I don't mind them being sent on their way early."

"My parents, for example, are living far too long and are of no use to anybody," she continued, "And I can just see their valuable house being sold to pay for care in their twilight years, leaving me with absolutely bugger all. So if I want them humanely killed to end my financial suffering, why the hell shouldn't I be free to pack them off to a Dignitas clinic? Whereas this is a cute widdle baby. Aww."

The Nev Filter went out into the streets to ask the public how many years of unbearable suffering they thought the baby should have endured before its cuteness faded enough for them to feel comfortable about putting it out of its misery, but only received funny looks.

Recession Somehow Affecting Student Finances

University hardship fund requests from cash-strapped students have soared recently, according to a BBC survey published today, with the notorious economic slop-bucket of Plymouth topping the league with a 38% increase in applications.

Higher Education Minister David Lammy told reporters: "Nowadays more and more students are studying at their nearest university - meaning that the University of Plymouth is stuffed to the rafters with thicky middle-class Janners who thought they'd hit on a fantastic scheme for postponing a lifetime of Jobcentre pestering by a few years."

"After they'd pissed their loans away over Freshers', though," he went on, "They found they had no option but to take a menial part-time job in a supermarket or a bar, selling alcohol to those students from further afield who had at least some idea of the basics of money management. Unfortunately, those students in turn fell victim to the ridiculously high cost of living in Plymouth - and, as they stop buying booze, the student staff become superfluous to the supermarkets and bars and get the sack. It's a vicious circle."

"I suggest they try prostitution," concluded the minister optimistically. "At least Plymouth's armed forces personnel still have a few bob in their pockets."

University vice-chancellors seized on the announcement with glee, claiming it supported their call for astronomical increases in fees.

"Hardship funds are generally only accessible to UK students," said a vice chancellor with a wig and clip-on beard. "If we could only get rid of these impoverished British morons and replace them all with wealthy international students, we could abolish these wretched funds altogether and use the money instead to pay for jollies - whoops, sorry - arduous management missions to set up academic partnerships in countries which happen to be blessed with an abundance of surf-kissed white beaches."

A BBC economist suggested that, as hardship fund applications stood at zero as recently as last August, that month must therefore mark the actual beginning of the recession. He then went on to argue why the BBC licence fee would represent better value than ever before at only £142.50.

Ex-DJ Promises Nation New Era of Democracy, Prosperity, Golden Oldies

An obscure 30-year-old former DJ, Royster, promised an end to New Labour dictatorship and an new era of good governance in his inaugural speech today, after being installed as President of Britain following his sudden rise to power in a populist coup.

After making a dangerous reputation for himself in student politics by writing a series of hard-hitting soap reviews, Royster was subsequently forced to spend many years as a political exile, roaming the seven seas as a stateless disc jockey and entertainer before settling down to build his powerbase in the Canary Islands.

"Be assured that Britain - or as it will soon be known, Roysterland - is a friend to every nation and citizen in the world," the fresh-faced head of state assured the international community, which has threatened sanctions and questioned the legality of his presidency - which he attained in unprecedented circumstances by persuading Gordon Brown to take part in one of his magic tricks, from which the prime minister mysteriously failed to emerge.

Three days after being confirmed in charge of the country by a constitutional court made up of former colleagues from UPSU's governing committee, Royster inadvertently swore a series of foul-mouthed oaths in front of shocked religious leaders, his cabinet and judges.

To cheers from the assembled crowds, Royster promised "the end of dictatorship, of waste in the management of the state's affairs, the end of the lies ... empty promises that have for too long stifled Britain's political life."

"Coming up next, though, it's back to 1974 for Ray Stevens' classic novelty hit, 'The Streak'," he added. "But first, here's the news on the hour from the Nev Filter."

Friday, 20 March 2009

Jail For Swindling Couple Who Single-Handedly Brought Ruin to Millions

Britain's financial meltdown was brought to a swift conclusion by the news that an evil couple who defrauded the nation's coffers of £43,000 in benefits have been declared guilty of causing the recession. Supervillain Shashi Bacheta and her malevolent sidekick Jeffrey Cole have been sent to prison for ever.

The pair were discovered to have embarked on a voyage round the world aboard Mr Cole's £100,000 yacht Kismet, after benefit fraud investigators found snapshots of them in Gran Canaria on somebody else's blog.

Judge Huw Davies reminded the thwarted scoundrels that ocean yachting was an activity reserved for decent, upstanding members of the community, such as bankers, company directors, property developers, Russian billionaires and any politicians with whom they happened to be on good terms.

The nation rejoiced at the halting of the couple's nefarious, economy-draining activities, and an overjoyed Prime Minister declared that Monday will be a special bank holiday, in which everyone in the country lucky enough to still have a job will be entitled to hit an Unemployed with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail and abuse them grievously.

"A yacht is not for recreation," pointed out Sir Terry Leahy, CEO of Tesco. "As any corporate executive worth his salt will tell you, a yacht is for visiting suitable offshore tax havens in which to set up wholly-owned investment and property-management subsidiaries, thereby avoiding the tiresome business of paying tax."

Brown Urges Abolition of Tax Havens Not Connected With Britain

Gordon Brown has called upon the world to outlaw tax havens, except for the ones over which Britain has any direct or indirect control.

"We must act to reshape the regulatory system for the new times. Greater international co-operation lies at the heart of all our changes," he told reporters. "And so we must bring the shadow banking system into the regulatory system. Apart, that is, from the British Overseas Territories, which are administered by the British Government through the Foreign and Commonwealth Office - specifically Anguilla, Bermuda, the British Virgin Islands, the Cayman Islands, Gibraltar, Montserrat and the Turks and Caicos Islands."

"This is a recognition that the old tax havens have no place in this new world," he went on, "Except for our very good Commonwealth friends Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Barbados, Belize, Brunei, Cyprus, Grenada, Guyana, the Maldives, Mauritius, St Lucia, St Vincent and the Grenadines, Samoa, the Seychelles and Trinidad and Tobago."

"We now call on all countries to apply international standards," he added. "With the obvious exception of our close and loyal neighbours in the British Isles, the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands."

"Honest British companies such as Tesco do rather a lot of business in these places, apparently," continued Mr Brown. "And they have made it clear to me that if my government should be so rash as to do anything which might interfere with their highly-innovative accounting systems then, regrettably, they would have no option but to move their head offices abroad - which, they assure me, would result in a considerable loss of tax income to the Exchequer."

"So basically, I'm just talking about unspeakably foreign places where French and German are spoken, i.e. Luxembourg, Lichtenstein and Switzerland, the greedy, thieving bastards," concluded the Prime Minister. "Why can't they be more like Britain and be governed by principled, moral leaders with a firm understanding of the ethics of high finance?"

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Pope Rethinks Advice on Abstinence After Copping Eyeful of French President's Wife In The Buff

God's vicar on Earth, Pope Benedict XVI, is reported to have changed his mind about the benefits of sexual abstinence, after the French government sent President Nicolas Sarkozy's hot wife, Carla Bruni, on a mission to meet the 81-year-old pontiff in Africa and give him a practical demonstration of why he will never stop people fucking.

The French foreign ministry had previously joined a growing worldwide chorus of condemnation of the Pope's bizarre claim that using condoms could, in some unfathomable way understood only by him and his imaginary friend, God, make the continent's AIDS and HIV epidemic worse.

Instead, Pope Benedict insisted that the only way to avoid infection and a hideous, lingering death was for everyone to remain celibate until they married another Catholic virgin.

"Zut! France may be a predominantly Catholic country," said foreign ministry spokesman Eric Chevallier, "But we also have a reputation for fucking like rabbits, which is after all a basic and natural impulse. We therefore asked President Sarkozy if he wouldn't mind lending us his gorgeous, pouting wife for a couple of days - and he generously agreed, as he desperately needed to give his little fellow a bit of a rest."

Ms Bruni caught up with the Pope in Cameroon as he was being greeted at the airport by President Paul Biya, and promptly ripped open her flimsy dress to tempt the surprised Vicar of Christ with an eyeful of her legendary Charlies.

The embarrassed Pope Benedict tried in vain to cover the growing proturbance in his cassock, as the watching dignitaries nudged him encouragingly with their elbows. However, as the comely Ms Bruni lasciviously ground her pelvis against his thigh, he uttered a lust-fuelled moan of ecstasy, tore off his vestments and buried his wrinkly face in the welcoming depths of her cleavage.

To wild cheers of encouragement from the watching crowds, the sweating pontiff then proceeded to give France's first lady a papal poking, right there on the hot tarmac of the airport. Unfortunately, the overenthusiastic former Flak gunner shot his porridge over Ms Bruni after only a few seconds; but Mr Biya kindly allowed the couple to continue their sexual acrobatics in the back of the presidential limousine on the way to a huge open-air Mass.

Arriving at the stadium, a white-faced but grinning Pope staggered from the vehicle in his underpants and told his hushed followers: "I've been such a fool, my children, but I'm going to make up for all the tragic, wasted years of my hollow life by furiously shagging anything with a pulse that can't run away fast enough. Fuck all you want, my flock - just remember to wear a condom, that's all."

"Right," he added, removing his y-fronts to gasps of admiration from the faithful, "Who's first?"

Religious Believers Strangely Reluctant To Meet Their Maker

People with strong religious beliefs appear to be in no great hurry to meet their Lord and Saviour, according to research published in the Journal of the American Medical Association which shows that terminal cancer patients who pray frequently are three times more likely than atheists to beg their doctors to drag out their doomed lives for as long as is medically possible.

Despite the intense physical and psychological stress caused to the dying by aggressive interventions like ventilators, feeding tubes and non-palliative chemotherapy - not to mention the emotional trauma that such long-drawn-out deaths inevitably inflict upon relatives - doctors found that those cancer victims who believed firmly in life after death were by far the most reluctant to embark on the journey into the Beyond.

"It could be that the faithful feel that, by putting themselves through this needless, agonising torture, they are in some way sharing in the sufferings that Christ endured for our sins on the cross," said one baffled medic. "On the other hand, it could just be that they only believe in God at all because they just can't bear the thought of their own mortality. Go figure."

The noted atheistic tub-thumper, Professor Richard Dawkins, shouted angrily that the research conclusively proved, beyond a shadow of doubt, that - unlike the terrified, cowering, cannibalistic totem-fetishists infected with the Christianity disease - rational and reasonable unbelievers like himself were quite comfortable with the notion that the world would somehow carry on just fine without them, and snarled a message of non-religious hope to the world: "You are all going to die."

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Vice-Chancellors Think of a Number, Double It

Students could be paying back their tuition fees well into their fifties, if the latest proposals from university vice-chancellors are put into effect.

Two-thirds of vice-chancellors - speaking anonymously, to make it harder to discern how much money they rake in - are demanding that students' fees be increased to between £7,000 and £20,000 a year. The current limit is £3,500.

"Basically, we've been chucking skips full of cash into Private Finance Initiative schemes on the never-never, plonking down shiny and prestigious new buildings all over our campuses like there's no tomorrow," said one vice-chancellor, hidden behind a Groucho Marx-style false nose and spectacles. "But it's finally dawned on us that there really is no tomorrow, as we have suddenly woken up to the fact that we'll still be paying the property developers for these vast white elephants long after the current bumper crop of Chinese students have completed their studies and gone back home to set up a new generation of universities to meet their country's future requirements."

"We've also got a terrible problem with campuses overrun by ghastly lower-middle-class English thickies," admitted the secret vice-chancellor. "As far as our beloved and highly-profitable overseas students are concerned, these alcohol-sodden loafers just hang around the uni in their Premier-league football shirts, making the place look scruffy. Frankly, these scum would be better off just leaving school and going straight to work in Sainsbury's, which is where they all end up anyway."

"Then we could fill our courses with rich Americans, who are well-accustomed to paying through the nose for what people in this country used to get for free," he added, before heading off for an agreeable round of golf.

Japanese Scientists Proudly Unveil Latest Geek Masturbation-Fantasy Object

Japanese researchers have unveiled a female robot, which they hope will take the place of catwalk models in the fashion industry.

Like the supermodels it may replace, the robot - named HRP-4C - has a vaguely creepy silicone face with a limited range of expression, finds it hard to understand simple instructions, walks stiffly with a unnatural gait, only weighs as much as a 12-year-old child, costs well over £1m and is of no practical use whatsoever.

While the robot has a human-like head and hands, the rest of its body is styled on a chunky mecha look derived from manga comics, meaning that any clothing it might one day model will have to be pretty chunky in the lower leg and foot department.

"We are counting on the fashion industry moving towards a silver body-armour look, which is perhaps slightly less stupid and impractical than most of its creations," explained humanoid research leader Shuji Kajita. "If that doesn't happen, then bell-bottom flares will have to come back in a big way."

British women were dubious about their cybernetic counterpart, however, and swiftly came up with a wide-ranging catalogue of highly uncomplimentary observations about HRP-4C's eyes, hair, nose, mouth, chest, waist, bum, thighs, feet, hands, knees and bumps-a-daisy.

British men, however, appeared to be extremely - and exclusively - interested in whether the robot actually had a realistic bumps-a-daisy.

Monday, 16 March 2009

Iraqis Now Looking Forward To Non-Violent Early Death

The majority of Iraqis are feeling much more hopeful about the future, says an opinion poll carried out for the BBC, ABC News and NHK.

A violent and bloody death is no longer the main worry preoccupying the man in the street, having been replaced by freedom-loving, democratic worries like employment and the economy.

"Yes, I can safely say that I am more concerned about the economy nowadays than being killed by a suicide bomber," agreed Baqubah resident Mahmood Jassim. "Perhaps one day some of that reconstruction money the Americans promised us in return for sucking every last drop of oil out from under our feet may be put towards restoring a clean water supply, before we all die of cholera."

His friend Raqaij Ubaydi agreed, adding: "If my country's economy ever gets back on its feet, maybe I could get a job and save my children from dying a lingering death from malnutrition. Compared to that, being blown to bits by some hothead would at least be mercifully quick."

Not all Iraqis shared their upbeat view of their nation's future, however.

"Actually, I'm still quite concerned about violence myself," admitted housewife Nadia Adwar, glancing furtively over her shoulder. "In fact, right now I'm concerned that my husband will beat me to death if he catches me talking to a foreigner. But the idea that the women of Iraq might need some freedom too seems to have somehow escaped the West's attention completely."

"But what do I know?" she added. "I'm only a woman."

Australia Now Officially Full of Uneducated Labourers

The BBC today announced the launch of an exciting new daytime show, which will reflect the Australian government's decision to cut its immigration programme by 14% in the face of the economic downturn.

Nadia Sawalha will host 'Not Wanted Down Under' - in which a planeload of disgruntled bricklayers, carpenters, plumbers and electricians desperate to escape from the ruins of Britain will be flown halfway across the world and introduced to a long queue of laid-off Australian manual workers, all of whom will be keen to tell them to piss off back where they came from.

A few professionals, such as nurses, doctors, engineers and IT experts, will be grudgingly allowed to stay if they want to, but will be told in no uncertain terms that the only reason their presence will be tolerated is that the locals are far too busy surfing, sunbathing, playing cricket, rugby or a bizarre, violent corruption of football, throwing prawns onto barbies and wrestling with the local fauna to be bothered with spending a few years studying for a degree.

Nadia Sawalha will also be told to bugger off back to Britain, announced the Australian government on hearing of the BBC's plans.

"And she can take her big hair back to the bloody eighties while she's at it," said lagered-up Immigration Minister Chris Evans. "She hasn't changed since she was in bloody EastEnders."

"Strewth," he added.

Sunday, 15 March 2009

'Arithmetic May Not Be My Strongest Point,' Admits Chief Medical Officer

Alcohol is firmly back in the sights of the disgruntled medical profession, following the surprise defeat of their much-touted scheme to outlaw killer chocolate in Scotland.

The government's Chief Killjoy, Sir Liam Donaldson, has today suggested that alcoholic drinks should carry a minimum price of 50p per unit of alcohol, in a poorly thought-out attempt to stop people from drinking themselves into an alcoholic grave, accompanied on their way by sporadic bouts of random violence and insensibility.

"Our Scottish counterparts failed in their attempts to outlaw chocolate because they foolishly forgot that most doctors nowadays are women," said Sir Liam. "And women - ever women doctors - will never vote to ban chocolate, which is better than sex, even if it is mildly poisonous."

The government is said to be very interested in the proposals, not least because any increase in the price of alcohol would be accompanied by a commensurate increase in the tax the government can rake in.

It has been widely reported that a bottle of wine would go up from £2.99 to £4.50, hitting moderate, middle-class drinkers like you and me in the pockets. Less well-covered, however, is the fact that a pint of cheap lager - the fuel of choice for the typical moron lying in the street - would actually come down to about £1.50 under Sir Liam's pricing scheme. This would hit off-sales of cooking lager in supermarkets, leading to a drop in shouting at the footy on the telly on council estates; however, it would represent a considerable saving on pub prices, promising a vast increase in exactly the kind of suicidal binge-drinking that the medical profession claims to be so keen to stamp out.

When it was pointed out to Sir Liam that his bright idea would see the price of a standard bottle of whisky soar to a staggering £42 he turned white, drained the contents of his hip flask in one gulp and headed off to Threshers to stock up before Gordon Brown did something stupid, like following his advice.

It is widely expected that the next target of opportunity for the medical profession to take a vindictive pop at will be sandwiches, mineral water or possibly Cadbury's Creme Eggs.

Kind-Hearted Brits Donate Pint of Milk to Bankrupt Celebrity Piss-Artist

A deeply-moved nation has rallied round to buy Kerry Katona a pint of milk, following revelations in this morning's People newspaper that she is now so poor she can't afford one.

The fresh pint of Sainsbury's Taste The Difference semi-skimmed was left on her doorstep, following a quick whip-round by a sympathetic public.

The washed-up former Atomic Kitten told the media that she had no idea where all her money had gone and said she had called in celebrity cash guru - whatever the fuck that is when it's at home - to try to track it down.

Frank Cochrane says he will begin with the mammoth task by attempting to count all the empty lager cans piled up in ceiling-high pyramids all over Ms Katona's home.

"Kerry does not have a pot to piss in," he told reporters. "She's relying on family and friends, but to be honest they're getting pretty fed up with her pissing on them and now they're telling her to hold it in until she can stagger to the lavatory. And because she is bipolar she has the attention span of a fruit fly. And because she is a total fuckwit she publicly pissed her entire fortune against the wall even as she was strenuously denying that she had a drink problem. And finally, because she's a spiteful bitch she claims her estranged husband has probably got all the money hidden in a mattress."

"She'd bloody better have something left somewhere, because my fee will be based on a percentage of anything I recover," he added. "And for keeping a poker-straight face while I'm spouting horseshit about what a little saint she is, I think it's safe to say I'll be wanting a pretty packet."

Meanwhile, the warm-hearted people of Britain say they are currently searching eBay for a piss-pot for the impoverished celebrity waster.