Where's Tony?

As Israel's cabinet pondered international calls for a ceasefire for a tense three seconds, before deciding to carry on turning the Gaza Strip into an elongated crater, concern was growing over the whereabouts of Middle East peace envoy Tony Blair.

"He gave an interview for our Haaretz newspaper a week ago, in which he trotted out the usual wishy-washy crap about 'wouldn't it be nice if everyone would just learn to get along'," laughed Israel's PM, Ehud Olmert, "But that was over the phone. We haven't actually seen him in ages. He's not going to be in the Gaza Strip, either. We told him back in July that it was a bit iffy - and if he was too timid to go there then, well, he's not very likely to be there now, is he?"

When asked if he had seen anything of Mr Blair recently, Palestinian National Authority President Mahmoud Abbas replied: "Who?"

Britain's Prime Minister Gordon Brown initially gave the same response. However, after being reminded that he served as Chancellor for ten years under Mr Blair, he grudgingly replied that he had heard nothing from him in months - adding that if he never heard from him again, he would be counting his blessings.

When the Pope was asked about Mr Blair - who converted to Catholicism after stepping down as Prime Minister - his press office issued a statement that His Holiness met many pilgrims while carrying out his duties and could not be expected to remember every individual whom he blessed. "Is he gay?" asked a papal nuncio.

Spokesmen from JP Morgan Chase and Zurich Financial Services confirmed that they had not heard from him since appointing him as a special advisor on globalisation. "We're beginning to wonder whether we should add Tony Blair to our long list of dodgy investments," said one.

Mr Blair's Faith Foundation, his Sport Foundation and Yale University - which gave him a visiting lectureship in faith and globalism - also admitted that there had been no contact with the former world statesman for some time.

Meanwhile, as Israeli bombs continued to rain down on Gaza, its beleaguered citizens issued a heartfelt plea to the elusive Peace Envoy: "Please, Mr Blair, won't you do for us what you did for the lucky people of Britain?"