Saturday, 30 October 2010

Obliging Yemeni Terrorists Provide Timely Excuse For Keeping Airport Security Checks

A terror cell of operatives working for al-Qaeda or something have kindly given Western governments a spurious argument against airlines who want to see an end to excessive US-style passenger security checks, by obligingly sticking some inert plastic explosives inside a couple of toner cartridges, sellotaping a few wires to them and posting them airfreight to America labelled ‘BOMB - HANDLE WITH CARE’ .

One of the curiously inept bombs was miraculously discovered on a UPS cargo plane during a stopover at East Midlands Airport, while the other was fortuitously intercepted in Dubai.

“We have yet to determine whether the package we found is a viable explosive device,” announced home secretary Theresa May this morning. “We’ve tried dropping it a few times, but so far it hasn’t gone off. Next we’ll try sticking 240 volts through it, and if that fails we’ll give it a minute or two with a blowtorch. That ought to do it.”

Long-suffering passengers, meanwhile, are already pointing out to singularly unimpressed security officials that even if they were all subjected to vivisection during check-in, it wouldn’t exactly be an effective deterrent to a terrorist putting an airmail bomb in a postbox somewhere in the Middle East.

“I’m afraid such cavalier attitudes to security are missing the point,” responded Mrs May huffily. “The important thing is that if people start thinking too much about things like this, then the terrorists win.”
A dedicated suicide bomber could easily cram one of these up his arse, say experts
Meanwhile, the Yemeni government has promised a full investigation into the matter, right after it finds some way of establishing its authority beyond the walls of the parliament building.

Better Start Wiping Pensioners’ Bums If You’re Planning On Getting Old Yourself, Suggests Government

Mr Parsons can't wait to introduce you to his runny bottom
The government is studying with interest a plan to blackmail people into looking after the elderly in their free time, it was announced today.

The voluntary scheme would give people the freedom to decide whether to clean shit off the senile on a regular basis for the whole of their working lives, or die of neglect once they retire.

In Japan, where the scheme has been in operation since 1991, volunteers are entitled to ‘bank’ the hours they spend caring for the elderly in the hope that a future government might in some way take care of them in return when they reach old age.

“UK life expectancy is currently 80 years,” said care services minister Paul Burstard. “For most people, that’s going to mean well over 100,000 hours of retirement. Therefore, on a pro rata basis, today’s 18-year-olds should probably plan on spending about 40 hours a week of their spare time hauling dribbling senior citizens in an out of the bath, just to be on the safe side.”

Charities have given a cautious welcome to the general principle of encouraging people to volunteer, but also pointed out that this was “the stupidest fucking nonsense” they’d heard since the repeal of the Poor Laws in 1948.

Friday, 29 October 2010

Horrible Middle-Class Parents Demand Their Qualifications

Mr Fellows would like his GCSE in Media Studies now, please
Pushy parents - who, according to researchers at Leicester and Leeds universities, are largely responsible for their children’s academic achievements - are now demanding that any qualifications be awarded to them instead of the thick, bone-idle children whose Xboxes they had to physically remove from the house before they finally made a token attempt at a bit of homework.

“This report says my input is worth more than the combined efforts of my layabout son and all his teachers combined, am I right?” said insufferable twerp parent Marcus Fellows, 41. “Well, if it was all my hard work that was responsible for twelve GCSEs, kindly explain to me why they have that whiny little shit’s name on them and not mine.”

“They can sack those lefty waste-of-space teachers while they’re at it, and pay me their enormous salaries,” demanded the awful Mr Fellows. “And you can take it as read that I won’t be wasting any of it on a lifetime subscription to the Guardian.”

“Somebody had better bloody well sort out my three-month summer holiday, too,” he added.

Defence Review Criticism Unjustified In Light of Revived Hitler Clone Threat, Insists Defence Secretary

Just one of these aboard a nuclear submarine could have been catastrophic
Dr Liam Fox, the defence secretary, has angrily refuted a Royal United Services Institute survey of 2000 defence experts, in which the majority said the recent Strategic Defence Review represented a lost opportunity for a more challenging rethink.

“These so-called ‘experts’ can say what they like,” riposted Dr Fox from his new command centre, the long-disused Aldwych tube station, “But the only thing stopping an army of cloned Hitler cyborgs from goose-stepping down Tottenham Court Road right now is the very real threat of an independent British Armageddon.”

“Only this week, HMS Astute detected a determined Hitler clone with an aqualung trying to prise open one of its torpedo tubes with a giant Swiss Army penknife,” he warned. “Fortunately, the captain acted quickly to avert the danger by squashing this dangerous genetically-enhanced madman against the nearest sandbank. I’m sure you don’t need me to outline the dire consequences, should even a single Hitler have got loose aboard our most advanced nuclear strike submarine, but I will anyway.”

The defence secretary then spent several hours acting out one of his many doomsday fantasies, oblivious to the fact that the press centre had swiftly emptied.

Meanwhile, Admiralty chiefs were gamely attempting to explain how Britain’s defence capabilities will be enhanced by an empty aircraft carrier.

“Er… imagine a scenario in which the army is trying to mount a counter-attack against an invading army of genetically modified Hitlers, who are encamped on the other side of a ravine,” began the First Sea Lord, Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope, with sweat running down his forehead. “But the only bridge is miles upwind, which would undoubtedly give the Hitlers their scent. However, if our new toy – er, carrier – were to stealthily back up and turn - hey presto! Instant crossing.”

“That’s the last thing they’d expect,” he added, before theatrically examining his watch and suddenly announcing that he was late for an urgent meeting.

Meanwhile, the RAF confidently announced that they would be alert and ready to deal with any conceivable threat to UK airspace - whether or not a Hitler clone was involved - as long as it took the form of a fifty-year old propellor-driven Tupolev.