Violent crime in the National Mental Isolation Unit (formerly known as Plymouth) is up by a worrying 58%, according to figures obtained by the local parish magazine.
Front-page headlines in the Herald highlighting the disturbing rise - which bucks the national trend - sparked punch-ups in newsagents and supermarkets, and spontaneous rioting was reported in the city's three traditional fight arenas of Union Street, Mutley Plain and the historic Barbican.
"In other parts of the country violent crime is on the wane, thanks to high-visibility policing and Gordon Brown's inspired fiddling of the statistics," Vivien Pengelly, leader of Plymouth City Council, told the Nev Filter. "However, in Plymouth there is a large population of ignorant fuckers who are genetically closer to bonobo chimpanzees than human beings. When they get excited they either fight or fuck. Or both at the same time."
"Y'want some, wanka?" she added. "Come on, then."
"As a matter of urgency, we are implementing an action plan to deal with the escalating violence in Plymouth," warned the Chief Constable, Stephen Otter. "We are putting extra officers 'on the beat', which means they will beat seven colours of shit out of every fucker that crosses their path. That should teach them. Got a problem with that, y'cunt?"
Concerned community leaders from notorious flashpoints such as the Barbican, Barne Barton, Cattedown, Chaddlewood, the City Centre, Crownhill, Derriford, Devonport, Efford, Eggbuckland, Estover, Ham, Hartley, Higher and Lower Compton, Laira, Manadon, Mannamead, Marsh Mills, Mount Wise, Mutley, North Hill, Pennycomequick, Pennycross, Plymstock, Plympton, Southway, St. Budeaux, St. Judes, St. Peter's, Stonehouse, Tamerton Foliot, West Hoe and Whitleigh are meeting up in North Prospect to discuss the problem with an assortment of clubs, knives and broken bottles.
The Nev Filter sent a work-experience trainee out onto the streets of the city to canvass local opinion. After being repeatedly asked what the fuck he thought he was looking at, he is now continuing his investigations in the A&E unit of Derriford Hospital, another well-known hot-spot for fights.
Meanwhile, local tourism chiefs tried to talk up the city's unfortunate reputation as the arse end of Britain with the slogan: "Come to Plymouth and Fuck Off."
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