Saturday, 14 January 2012

Joey The Horse Cited In Brand-Perry Divorce Papers, Found Stoned On Hollywood Boulevard, Makes Anti-Semitic Remarks To Arresting Officer, Hopes To Branch Into Directing

It's the same, sorry tale of Hollywood excess
Looking dishevelled and ungroomed, ‘War Horse’ top movie star Joey the Horse held a press conference today to apologise for the bizarre outburst he whinnied angrily at a police officer who arrested him yesterday - for staggering down Hollywood Boulevard, high as a kite on sugar lumps - in which he claimed that the Jews were responsible for all war films.

“I have been under terrific strain lately,” Joey neighed to Tinseltown hacks. “I’ve been cited as a co-respondent in the Russell Brand and Katy Perry divorce – I’m not at liberty to say who with – and I confess that I have fallen victim to a terrible addiction to nosebag candy.”

Joey added that, after detoxing at the Vetty Ford Clinic, he hopes to get behind the cameras to direct ‘Race Boy’, a moving tale of a magnificent chestnut farmer who is cruelly drafted into an inequine steeplechase run by criminally incompetent donkeys.

“Of course, the scenes of slaughter where thousands and thousands of brave but uncomprehending humans are callously ordered over the top of the hurdles by their asinine generals will be harrowing to watch,” promised Joey, “But that’s not really at the heart of the film. In fact, it’s not important at all. What matters is that, against 100-1 odds, the plucky farmer wins the race - only to face the knacker’s yard afterwards.”

James Cameron Snaps Up Costa Concordia Movie Rights

Tragically, the menu featured quite a lot of pasta
Leading Hollywood director James Cameron has already made a preliminary swim around the wreck of the ill-fated Costa Concordia cruise liner, trying to picture in his mind’s eye the most dramatic way to frame doomed passengers tumbling down the sides of the awful monument to man’s hubris, after buying up the exclusive film rights to the terrible maritime disaster.

The cinematic visionary has already filmed Kate Winslet standing like a living figurehead at the prow of the enormous vessel, and is currently tying weights to Leonardo diCaprio.

“I’d like to thank the passengers who have died or are still missing for inspiring me to make a stack of bucks out of their unimaginable suffering,” he told admiring reporters, as he ordered Mexico to build him a full-sized replica of the floating behemoth as it would have appeared in its heyday, i.e. Thursday evening.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Other Energy Suppliers Call For EDF To Be Sectioned

The five other major energy suppliers are desperately ringing doctors today, trying to get rival EDF carted off under Section 2 of the Mental Health Act after it announced a crazy plan to cut consumers’ gas bills by 5%.

British Gas responds to the EDF challenge
“What customers want more than anything else is fair, clear and transparent prices. We know they want action rather than words. That is why we are the first major supplier in history to announce a cut, my avian masters!” EDF Energy’s chief executive Vincent de Rivaz told the pelicans in St James’ Park, naked as the day he was born.

As white-coated British Gas psychiatrists chased him around the park with nets, the fleeing lunatic screamed: “I’m not mad! Thanks to November’s 15% price hike, we’re still 9.6% up on the deal!”

Schoolies To Program Next Generation Of Timewasting Shit

Launching a consultation into the future of ICT teaching in Britain’s schools, education secretary Michael Gove proclaimed a vision where, instead of futile wasted years of trying to learn the basics of the English language, the nation’s teenagers will be encouraged to learn a rudimentary programming language instead so they can code the timewasting successors to mind-numbing crap like Furious Moles, Bread Karate and Incontinent Auntie.

Homework innit
“There’s really very little to be gained by merely showing today’s teens how to use Word because, let’s face it, they’re illiterate,” explained Mr Gove. “English, with its onerous grammar, spelling and vocabulary, has now moved far beyond human comprehension. Let’s dream up a rudimentary programming language instead, with a vocabulary comprising just a handful of simple drag-and-drop icons for operations such as GO, PICK UP, HIT, DROP, USE and BANG, so they can create millions of tedious but addictive new apps for your phone.”

Pupils are already bursting with enthusiasm for Mr Gove’s innovative new approach to computing.

“i gots this brillent ideer were its like Scrabo exep them horibo leters is blow up by mere cats,” budding software engineer Sammi-Jo Potts tweeted the Nev Filter. “mum recons shed nevr git a minits work dun eva agen #crapps”.

Cameron Finds Last Thing Britain Does Well, Unveils Plan To Ruin It

After an exhaustive search, prime minister David Cameron has finally identified the only thing Britain is still any good at, and announced government plans to fuck it up beyond all recognition.

Speaking at Pinewood Studios, the incensed PM told reporters: “Do you realise that, every single day, irresponsible bastards are blowing taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on making thought-provoking films of quality and depth for that tiny minority who can still think? What a pointless waste. We need to be giving that money to the Hollywood studios who deign to make their mass-market blockbusters here instead because, my goodness, all those big explosions don’t come cheap.”

This, but in colour, is all the gritty realism you need
“I was particularly incensed to think that the Film Council might have thrown your money at that ‘Four Lions’ rubbish, an offensive piece of blatant al-Qaeda propaganda which glorifies terrorism,” raged Mr Cameron. “It didn’t, as it happens - but that’s not the point. It might have, if it felt like it.”

“And, with the government as executive producer leaning over his shoulder, there’s no reason why Mike Leigh can’t apply his talents to a big-budget gorefest remake of Fiend Without A Face, in which the brains and spinal columns are ripped out of manky Northerners by a mad scientist’s experiments, leaving them to flop down contentedly in front of Coronation Street for the rest of their lives,” he added. “That’s the sort of cinematic inspiration you crave, isn’t it?”

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Hornby Unveils Future Of Train Sets

Train sets are to be boosted into the 21st century and beyond with the announcement by Hornby that, by 2026, all curved track sections will be deleted from their catalogue.

“This will transform train sets as we know them,” said Hornby CEO Justine Greening. “The traditional oval-track design has been keeping speed down ever since train sets were invented.”

The ultra-modern train set, she explained, will whisk tiny plastic figures from the bathroom all the way to your dad’s smelly old shed at the far end of the back garden in half the time it would take today, if little people living in your toilet fancied a day out to take in the exciting scent of creosote. From the shed, the long-awaited CrossRockery line would connect your toy people with routes to your friends’ houses and beyond via the Hedgerow Tunnel, she added - and Hornby are also hoping to extend the route onward into your front garden later.

At last, your little plastic folk will finally have somewhere else to go
Scalextric fans, however, have pointed out that the sections you will have to buy to build your new layout are going up from £3.49 per Long Straight Track (R603) segment to £149.99, while your dad has also noticed that no model trains in the Hornby catalogue are actually capable of taking advantage of the speed potential of the curve-free route - meaning that you will have to import all your rolling stock from Lima or Märklin.

Meanwhile, your sister has raised vociferous objections to the route of your planned high speed model railway passing straight through her designated area of Outstanding Natural Shagging.

Monday, 9 January 2012

‘I Can Pack Up Drinking Whenever I Want’ Insists Britain, Slumped Against Newfoundland

Britain wants to know what you're looking at
Britain – currently leaning against the coast of Canada, “just to get its second wind” - has reacted furiously to the suggestion from a committee of MPs that perhaps it might like to try a day or two off the sauce for a change, just to remind itself what the world looks like without the beer goggles.

“Get your thieving hands off my fucking glass,” was the nation’s immediate response to the Commons science and technology committee’s concerns about the misery and physical consequences of alcoholism. It swiftly followed up by lashing out with Scotland, which fell off.

“I can give up any fucking time I like, see? Only I’ll do it when I feel like it, not when some jumped-up little Hitler tells me,” Britain earnestly told Canada, which it insists is its best friend in the world, ever. “Oh look, footy. Fucking sorted. Pass us another Special Brew there, mate.”

Five minutes later, however, a bloodied and soiled Britain was lying in the middle of the Atlantic, after unwisely convincing itself that Canada had nicked its pint.

Scotland Mysteriously Not Quite So Keen On Independence

Scots just love to talk about their independence
Scotland is crying foul today after Britain’s prime minister, David Cameron, actually offered them the independence referendum the entire Caledonian nation has been demanding “soon” for many years.

“OK then, Scotland, if it’s what you really want, of course you can vote to stand financially on your own two feet at long last,” declared Mr Cameron. “Only make up your minds soon, will you? Because the rest of us are sick and tired of hearing you droning on and on about nothing else since 1801, without ever once lifting a finger yourselves to actually make it happen.”

Scotland the not quite so brave now, are we
“You’re welcome to the last dregs of North Sea oil and gas,” he added. “Just think how far that’ll go towards paying for subsidised university education and hill farming, a welfare state all of your very own, a decent health service including free prescriptions and liver replacements, and importing all your Buckfast tonic wine and Mars Bars needs. Good luck with that. Bye now.”

“Och, you smug wee Sassenach cunt,” commented white-faced Scottish PM Alex Salmond.

“Oh, and one more thing,” added Mr Cameron. “All your loyal patriots who haven’t set foot north of the border for thirty or forty years had better sort themselves out some passports and start applying for work permits. If they do any, that is. The rest of you might want to start hitching now - I gather lifts to Glasgow are pretty few and far between.”

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Tory Critics To Remake ‘The Iron Lady’

Following widespread Tory condemnation of Margaret Thatcher biopic ‘The Iron Lady’ for having the front to show the former prime minister as the dribbling old ratbag she actually is, rather than the all-knowing genius they fondly pretend, David Cameron has unveiled ambitious plans to produce a remake which will re-educate filmgoers by proving that it is the entire Conservative Party - rather than the object of its unquestioning worship - which is living in a confused shadowland of tragic delusion.

“It is disturbing and tasteless to depict the blessed St Margaret in her twilight years, rather than concentrating solely on her miraculous achievements as a blue colossus bestriding the cowering world, stamping her pointy heel down on miners hell-bent on world domination, smiting Argentina from the face of the earth and demolishing the Berlin Wall with a single swipe of her trusty handbag,” declared director Mr Cameron, whilst trying to figure out how to load a roll of 35mm film into a DV-camera.

The Thing That Should Not Be
Tory moguls have already cast backbench media tart Louise Mensch as their insiprational heroine, with her cadaverous sidekick Norman Tebbit to be recreated entirely in CGI in a storyline which will replace the present-day decline shown in the current film with a Tory dream sequence - in which Baroness Thatcher will imperiously summon a humble God to her flying palace and browbeat him with her glorious achievements until he agrees to step down in her favour. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson and Ross Kemp are hotly tipped by industry insiders for the roles of evil supervillains Michael Foot and Neil Kinnock.

“If the Tories don’t think this film should be shown while Thatcher’s still drawing breath, we can think of a much simpler solution,” said the North of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, “And we could do with a bloody good street party.”